The Phoenix Arises - The Dragon Emerges

There is such a powerful connection to the New Year. It is a great tradition celebrated by everyone on the planet. We have such a blessing being able to see celebrations all over the planet. Fireworks spread from Sydney to Moscow to Beijing to Rio de Janeiro. The New Year brings longer days. The New Year brings love and joy and kisses and reunions and death and transformation and awakenings. Life is full of hopes and promises and sunrises, all because of the New Year.

The Phoenix arises. There is a great comfort that the Earth we live on has seasons. It is such a comfort to have snow on the ground that is filled with sleeping seeds. It is rising from the ashes of burned fall leaves fertilizing the cold earth. The chrysalis that is formed around the wounded is hardening but the soft wings of redemption and renewal are forming their bright colors. There is a reason why the hearts and minds of humanity mimic nature. We all experience transformation in order to learn. But what we choose to do with that revelation is up to us.

In the year 2013, there were so many strange events that happened and so many unusual world events. This was the warmest year globally in recorded human history. We had more tragedies and continued war in the Middle East and Syria. The U.S. Government shut down, but it is still not fixed. Another super typhoon devastation hit, this time in the Philippines. Human stem cells were finally successfully cloned. We lost Margaret Thatcher and Nelson Mandela. Pope Benedict XVI resigned. And we experienced a great tragedy with the Boston Marathon bombing. We now have drones killing people in retaliation for suicide bombings. We have extremist groups (mainly Muslim) attacking large-scale bombings and assaults, like the one at the Kenyan mall and the many bombings in Nigeria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Dagestan. There was an 8.0 earthquake off the coast of the Solomon Islands. Lance Armstrong admitted to “doping” and lost his titles. Same-sex marriage was legalized in the U.K. Estonia is the first country to implement nationwide electric car outlets. A 2 year old girl in the U.S. is the first ever to be actually cured of AIDS. France passes same-sex marriage. North Korea declares war with South Korea. Brazil passes same-sex marriage, while Russia makes it illegal for same-sex couples to adopt Russian children. Croatia becomes the 26th state in the E.U. Detroit, Michigan files for bankruptcy. The Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons wins the Nobel Peace Prize. A 7.7 earthquake devastates Pakistan. We end up having another school shooting here in Colorado—the shooter killed both a senior in high school and himself. But in spite of the state of the World being in complete chaos, the Dow and S&P both hit record highs. If we were to go only based on the state of World affairs, we would all be doomed. But I also truly see a pattern in the increase of awareness and enlightenment.

We celebrated the March Against Monsanto this year. We woke up our own nation to marital equality. We are finally addressing medical insurance and care, even though our first round of Obamacare V. the Insurance Racket is still up for grabs and not even closely settled. Facebook still is number one in Social Media and has become the greatest experiment in social anarchy of all times. Giant corporations keep getting stronger, we keep feeding into the system of Materialism, but banks are no longer getting any bailouts (save for the country of Cyprus). Winter still came and is freezing the Northern Hemisphere. But life still goes on.
Now is the time to hibernate. Now is the time to reflect and write. Now is the time to light the hearth fires warming the hearts of the lost and downtrodden. Now is the time to go within and start another year of awakening souls to the spreading awareness and renewal of Spirit.

New Year Resolutions—Creating the Fire of Passion

For 2014, I am dedicated to spread the message of Awakening. I want to open the network of high-minded people so we can reconstruct the norms--the popular, shallow lifestyle of convenience, processed foods, hiding behind computer screens, plastic money, instant gratification and a la carte religion; we need to find a way to open a new forum. The past seems so far away with the lightning speed of internet modernity. The traditional ways of keeping our heads in the sand while Big Corporate America tells us how to think are also over. So we have no choice but to find a new paradigm. For me personally, this reflects in how I run my life, relate to my family, and deal with both the past and the future—our job is to stir the pot. My first intention in 2014 is to get real. Honesty and spiritual reflection. It’s worth the effort. Try it.

I am living exactly the life I expected to live. I still have unfinished business. Yet in this time of renewal, those tasks I must finish are also the very things I strive to accomplish because they are a part of my quest. It has taken longer than I expected to fulfill my visions and manifest my values. I have had a list of accomplishments to complete. Here are the ones I know I am committed to complete this year and beyond:

1. Finish all my classes to complete my Doctorate. So, according to the plan, I have 2 Organic Chem classes, 2 Physics classes and Anatomy and Physiology. In order to do so, I also have to finish the reviews of Biology and Chemistry. So I have my work cut out for me. Especially at 45. But anything is possible. And I am forever the believer in the possible.
2. Attend my daughter Jacquelyn’s high school graduation. My hope is to first take my kids on one last vacation to Florida to see my son Christopher, THEN we watch Jacqui graduate, THEN we celebrate our new life together…my children will ALL be adults! Jacqui turns 18 in August!

3. This leads to the next task: To finish my memoirs about my life in the last 14 years. I left my children at age 30 so I could live after surviving a terrible marriage and abusive prison. I endured losing my identity because there was a need for power and control from my partner. The last three years of marriage sent me into a deep depression. Either I left and regained who I was or stayed and lost everything…so I left. And now, after a decade and a half, I have come full circle, reunited with my children, found my true love and created the life I manifested. I allowed my pain to transform. I gave myself permission to let go. And now I can share this with everyone I love.

4. Complete the screenplay I started in 2013. I know it is worth it. I also know how valuable it will be when completed. I look forward to the day I see it produced!

5. Spread the word about Mannatech. I work for a company that has found a scientific way to tap into the body’s natural renewal systems. I personally know what it can do, how it helps people get their lives back, and how it will lead Mark and I into the new phase of our life. I have committed to those I have been teaching. I am committed to find those who want to lead. Everyone wins. It’s a blessing to be able to bring nutrition and health to so many, and in the process, work for a company that offers nutrition to thousands of starving children. One day we will see millions fed by what we are doing. This is my motivation—to help my family and the future of our world. I love my job!

6. I will be a rock and a strong leader for our family. I have always been blessed to see a light at the end of every tunnel. It will be a year of change. I will continue to support and love our daughter Virginia, who is in college and needs our strength and health knowledge. I will continue to grow our relationships with our daughter Jacquelyn and support our son Christopher, who is in the Navy. And I will spend time visiting and connecting with our combined family. This year, I will be making our home, finding a place to grow our hearts, our garden and our friendships. I will solidify our beliefs and finding our spiritual center.

7. I am working an amazing part-time job that I love dearly. I love working at a doll store, making young girls so happy. But I know that the only way to true joy for me is to turn my work and trade into a more meaningful pursuit. Yes, it is fun to work at a place of such joy. But it is even better to create ways to heal people. All my work will be aligned accordingly.

8. I will tend my first full-NON-GMO garden. This is a lot of work. But it is worth the effort. My intention is to create a unified place for anyone to share in a truly community-based process. There will be other great intentional projects to do as well: making tinctures, processing our own sauces, brewing our own mead, and making community meals.

9. It’s time to travel again! Next plan, this summer, I am taking my children to Orlando to see Universal Studios and visit the Harry Potter Kingdom. It’s a destination for my family. I raised them all on Harry Potter. It will be a momentous reunion!! This is also the first reunion of my children and I since our last vacation to Miami in 2007. The summer of 2007 was the last time we were all together and the time I missed being with them was horrific for me. Christopher moved back to his father’s that school year and I was kept from seeing him for 5 years. It was traumatic, but as I stated, because the marriage and family system were based on my ex’s feelings and mine were always disregarded, it was typical. I am sad I lost all that time with my children. But now, it is more important that I let them know who I am and how strong I have become. This reunion will be the way to show that to them even more.

10. Every good New Year’s resolution would not be complete without a commitment to go to the gym. Since last year I attended a gym I wasn’t thrilled to attend—and I couldn’t get there regularly—I am searching for a place that is more like me. I love dancing! I have taken to Rumba classes and would also love ballet again. Looking into Denver’s possibilities. Next year, I can attend more through the University.

11. I have always fluctuated in my spirituality, but it has remained strong. My goal this year is to be more consistent in learning what my heart longs to find. I am seeking a balanced life that allows me to live unconditionally. I am limited. I am human. I have pursued a life of giving. This path was set for me long ago. And in my transformation, I have stayed strong in loving others as I love myself. I have been given the blessing of understanding that wisdom. I know there are many who cannot accept that part of me—I cannot love those who choose hate, jealousy, narcissism. There is nothing I can do to change their paths. But I can still be true to my own nature.

12. The greatest gift I can give to myself this year, and to those who know me and may even read what I write, is the gift of allowance. I allow myself permission to complete the tasks set out before me. I allow myself the blessing of a healthy body, a sound mind, an amazing family and a strong marriage. I allow myself to be true to my nature, intellectually and emotionally. I allow my life to flourish. I am not competing with anyone else. I am not succumbing to having to have “stuff” I don’t need. I don’t need to be anyone else. I am so grateful for this revelation. And to my friends, family and those who can’t see beyond their own images or perceptions of me, I promise I am going to continue to love, to teach, to parent, to learn, to pursue, to be a great wife and mother, to be a passionate leader, and to stand up for those who need a voice. It will be another wonderful year of getting to know what the Universe has in store for each and every one of us!

Wishing everyone an amazing New Year! Blessings to you all!

The Warming Fire of Protection: Dragons as Parents

As I watch my dragon child leave the cliffs for the first time, I am aware that she is constantly watching me watching her. Her fragile wings and graceful twists and turns are all part of her youth, both to be admired and protected as her guardian. I am constantly aware of my own fragile scales, but they are hardened with years of battle scars and raging fires. I know of the pain of losing my other children to dragon hunters who find us dragon parents to be too scary, too easily turned into a horrible creature rather than seen as compassionate and loving. And as I watch my little dragon do flips and breathe the fire of childhood and happiness, I am convinced once more of my role as teacher, travel guide and mother.

A few days ago, we watched a scene where a pair of sibling lions were separated from their parents and one of the siblings died. It was not only horrific for the brother lion in the story, but for me, it was even more horrific to watch my little dragon break down into sobbing tears over the loss of another creature. Her other-mommy dragon comforted her while I was playing guardian and even in the hours that followed, no comfort could console our little fire-breather. She understands the importance of the life/death/life cycle. She knows in her gigantic heart that we are all connected to the earth and all creatures and all elements are part of this cycle. But it is still that moment of pain that cracks through my thickened scales to watch our child cry that awakens my nurturing protection. I am humbled by the responsibility.

As the sun strikes high in the afternoon sky and we adventure through the cold winter skies of a latent Spring, I can feel my claws and wing tips become numb in the cold snowing winds of the mountains. But as we head back to our cave to gather warmth and prepare for sleep, my thoughts are not on my own discomfort but are on protecting, feeding and warming my child with the Fire of Protection. I may be a warrior and have a warrior family clan, but I am still first and foremost a Dragon Mother.

The Dragon Mother As Protector

Dragon parents are fierce. We have been wounded in battles over our lives, with our family, our children, or our social environments. Unlike socially complacent parents, we fight against the system that destroys loyalty and honor and that separates us from our Unconditional Source. We are bent on training our children to be independent, educated, higher-minded and to fight for what is right in society. And we are protective against those mobs of social bullying that push our little creatures into states of fight or flight because of society's shallow judgments and fear-based restrictions. We must create connections between all our warrior clans, protect the wounded Dragons that are beaten down by loss and kicked out of their social circles by judgments, and help each other thrive and heal the wounds of depression and hopelessness.

I have been a blessed mother. I have four children and dozens of adopted children. I have felt true Unconditional Love and the strength of protection as a mother and a teacher-guide for all of them at one point or another. I am closest to my oldest biological child, my truly fiery dragon, because she and I are first and foremost so much alike but also because we lived together the longest. I was able to be a strong influence on her independence and raise her to be a warrior as well. I know it was circumstantial: she would never had been able to be such a fighter if we didn't have to fight so hard to be together, to be independent and to stand up for what was right in spite of the family dynamics. The constant battlegrounds in court, with her father, with her extended family, and even between the two of us when life had become tragic and beyond difficult, were stages set for her training as she built her strong personal convictions into the fabric of her every day life. The best part is, she is as lethal as they come as a maturing dragon: beautiful, genius AND higher minded! I feel sorry for any man who tries to take advantage of her in any way...

I am also blessed, by the way, because as three Dragon parents, we have created a loving and nurturing environment for our youngest daughter (the one who cliff dives), balanced by love and untainted by jealousy or one-up-manship. This I am discovering is rare. And my two children who are living in a blended family don't have these examples of co-parenting because they are raised in an "Us V. Them" way. My entire biological family has actually been restricted from being a part of my two middle children's upbringing. They will thus have to decide as adults whether to heal those wounds within themselves. This has been their path to endure and my passion for their cause is smoldering and endless.

My son who is now at adulthood is becoming quite the fire-breather. He is learning to stretch his wings of compassion and testing the winds of young love. He is a strong, athletic creature with quite the brilliant mind. He is tall and handsome and outgoing. He knows he is learning to become an honorable man, but my goal is now to challenge him. He needs to be shown the intense passion for loyalty and given the Unconditional Love of true spiritual connection. He has had lessons of separation, disappointment and struggles among his blended family. But I am excited to introduce him to our littlest dragon and show him the dynamic that allows our warrior natures to be completed with selfless sacrifice. It is not enough to be a loving parent if one cannot be able to show your child they are the most important blessing on the planet. And in order to convey that lesson, a Dragon parent must understand that it is not ONE child above another but rather that ALL our children are greater than any gold or treasure on this earth. I am excited to show him this lesson!

My younger daughter who is a beautiful, charming and loving woman, even as a teenager, is the dragon child that needs my strongest attention to learn how to use her wings. She is content currently within her own structure, her sheltered environment and her minimal independence. But there will come a time when she is going to want to soar in her life. This requires a dragon parent strong enough to allow her the time to strengthen these wings and not be bombarded with fear and limitations. Leaving the nest as a young adult who has been constantly controlled in their allowance to grow can lead to 2 things: a limited sense of self that doesn't give the child enough tools to live independently or a sudden sense of freedom that brings about fear of the unknown or reckless abandon, both of which attract stronger and faster predators. Young adults who are "sheltered" are wounded from the start as adults if they cannot battle against greater enemies. It may seem to many reading that this is a "negative" prediction, but the truth is the REAL world is cruel and unforgiving and jealous and leads many innocents away by sabotage and dominant bullying. How can a sweet young child be protected from the big bad world of college, work, industry and corruption? They can't. The ONLY solution is to teach them wisdom and the dangers that lay ahead, pitfalls to avoid, and give them the training to fight oppression and control. These are tools of strengthening the Soul and they are not pretty--facing a wounded world takes courage and all Dragon parents need to be prepared to fight for their children.

Wounded Children--Spoiling, Separating, Denying and Attacking the Dragon Parent's Integrity

Many of my friends are great parents in conservative environments. Many of them have given their children what they had always wanted and often because of financial abundance, what is not truly necessary--luxury things like electronics and cars, vacations, private lessons, summer camps, the latest fashion items, you name it. But if the recipients are not grateful, are spoiled or are used to such gifts and use them to look down upon others, they don't have a perceived value on them. I am guilty of having done this. I got my oldest a cell phone under my contract three separate times with three separate companies. I didn't train her discipline with these gifts and her lack of perceived value extended my generosity into overuse of what I could afford.

Each time I lost my own phone contract as well because I couldn't afford to pay the extensive overages and lost the privilege because of these unrealistic 2-year contract deals. The last time was the hardest on me because I was so poor at the time, I could barely make the payments on both phones. She wouldn't help pay for the already committed contract, went and got her own phone and service, and then I lost my phone due to lack of money AND have an exorbitant bill now to pay for adding her additional phone line and breaking the contract after only a year. Thousands of dollars later, I am grateful I can only extend the privilege so far and have chosen to only handle my own service. I learned my lesson. But it has severely wounded my financial situation, and I haven't taught my daughter anything about responsibility in this case. But as a Dragon parent, I am solid now and will not give something to any of my children without it being for a good cause or a rational or imperative reason. My generosity is as great as the gold in my cave but it is more important to teach a great lesson in responsibility than to give abundantly.

As a single parent, this is a common theme. Living on the edge of poverty and complete ruin for several years, I am consciously aware of the difficulty most parents have in raising children alone. As a Dragon parent, however, I am a fighter and still have a strength of conviction that many parents would have lost a long time ago. And because of my strength and my passion to be as vocal and public about my life as possible, I frighten many of the enemies that attack in mob mentality style with pitchforks! In fact, I too lost my social "status" in society when I left my husband. Nobody cared about why I left. Nobody supported my cause not to die, but they grabbed there farm tools and chased me as far away as they could. These wounds are why I write and teach so many today.

For instance, it was really humorous the other day when my youngest dragonette (the one that lives with her father) sent me a picture of herself with Disney mouse ears from Florida this week and I received some weird text message that said "Why u put mom and kate on same message? You just gave her mom's phone number". Now mind you I am her mother, so I didn't understand who the message was for or about or why. I didn't recognize the number, but I am not used to being called by my name, so I responded to the text, "Who is this?" Suddenly I received a call from the daughter in Florida saying her father had called her and said I was HARASSING him! Oh my.

I was in a meeting at the time and burst into laughter. I thought I was going to cough up a fireball! I am apparently the big bad scary Dragon that is so intent on destroying someone's fantasy idea that I am "evil"...and even though my daughter did NOT actually forward me anyone's phone number (i.e. her step-mother), I wouldn't have given a care anyway, because I don't think twice about that person. Apparently the ex-husband has some sense of false importance in believing that I would "harass" him and his wife. Fear-based and irrational, but I see why. I am scary. I am strong and always have been. And truth is, I was wronged by them, in more ways than I have time to write about in this message. But I could only laugh, call my daughter and assure her I have no intention of "harassing" anyone, and my response to my ex was, "I am not harassing you (name of father). And have a good day. Namaste." Truth is, my life is so wonderful I wouldn't even care if they began their campaign to separate the children and I again...because I KNOW my children all now know the Truth and how much I truly love them Unconditionally.

Remember Shrek? I absolutely love how the writers allowed the big bad ogre to actually enjoy being scary! I am one of those parents. I am dangerous because of my scars--the more they throw their spears and stab with their pitchforks, the stronger I become. The more I am harassed by religion, false accusations, and judged, the greater my ability to be Unconditionally Loving and the stronger my resolve and the louder my voice. I know too many parents who have lost children in terrible battles like mine. But it is in these battles that a truly honorable and loving parent becomes the fire-breather and the protector.

After my last several relationship disasters (see previous blogs) I have also picked up other strengths as well, including legal knowledge, martial arts (I once took up kickboxing and now I am in beginning Tai Chi again with my wonderful partner!), and prolific publishing and writing. My Dragon-self resolves to be the best at everything I do for myself and as an example--I am in much better shape physically, I am healthy and strong and eat primarily raw foods or those we cook ourselves, I work and play hard, and I laugh abundantly. More importantly I have connected Wisdom, Spirituality and Compassion for those who have suffered from these bullying mobs of society. The analogy is so blatantly revived now in children's cinema--even in How To Train Your Dragon where the young protagonist had to defend his friendship with such a lethal creature, which caused the villagers to try and kill the offensive creatures. And we see the same theme in movies where people become afraid of the "monster" they have envisioned and feared. Truth is, with any wild creature, there should be an element of fear! My adorable and loving partner has the sense to know this of me, but he too can be a fighting Dragon parent, AND he has the skills to prove it.

In an online article I read about the "10 Step-Family Dragons" from the Step And Blended Family Institute (http://www.stepinstitute.ca/stepfamily_dragons.php) I of course immediately went to the section on division and badmouthing. My experience was thus as written: The Lack of Co-Parenting and Badmouthing Between Ex-Spouses: Few parents have a concrete co-parenting plan but desperately need one. Many indulge in bad-mouthing of the other parent. Badmouthing hurts the child deeply and the child’s self-esteem for life because one parent is saying the other half of the child is “bad”. The parent who is badmouthed does not know how to neutralize badmouthing. Often children are made to judge, and often choose, between their blood parents. Our society has no remedy for the consequences of this. Children grow up one-sided. And they are made to "choose" sides, which often leads to wounded and unprotected children attracting life lessons that will challenge their beliefs. Even though many of the estranged or ousted parents are not able to recover from the separation, the opposite occurs in Dragon parents. Thus it is truly important to create support among those parents who are wounded or find themselves unable to parent. It takes a village to raise a child, but it often breaks a village when the child is separated from his or her protector. And it is truly damaging to children when they are bullied into fear of any kind, but it is seriously the most damaging by the ones that are supposed to protect them.

Solutions to Dragon Parenting--Balancing the Elements

First and foremost, Dragon Parents, stop emotional blackmail. If you find yourself or another parent doing it, find out how to stop it. I was not always perfect, but I am continually focusing on what I CAN do now as a parent rather than what I CAN'T do. So instead of emotionally harboring anger (even if it is righteous!), I let my own life be an example of joy for my children!

Second, create your own loving and abundant cave of wonders. Why would your children want to leave the safety of the environment if your home is loving and giving? I am not talking about money. Even if you have it, why spend it on frivolous buy-offs? If your job or career or company is keeping you from raising your children properly, why are you doing it? Can there be another option? If you are constantly having to fight to pay a mortgage, car payment, credit card debts or other assorted bills, isn't this detracting your purpose from a healthy and balanced family life? And is your lifestyle robbing your joy from your partner/spouse as well? What steps can you do, even if it is one at a time, to remedy these life conditions that are taking away your vitality?

Third, let's talk about your Earth-physical self. This is truly important and I will explain. Parents who are buying into the current systems of health destruction (often referred to in the United States as Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Agro and Big Medicine) are MISSING major elements of healthy living that are depleting their families. First, we are a fast-food nation. If every strong parent learned to walk away from fast food, even if it is a majority of the time and not all of the time, you are doing greater than the rest of the country! 70 Percent of our nation right now is overweight!! So, parents who are willing to fight, you must make life changes that will adjust your thinking and change the training you are giving your children! What are you putting into your own body? What do you allow them to eat?? Are you eating foods with GMO's? Are you living off of processed foods? Can you find a way to cut down or get rid of something unhealthy, like video games and even cable TV, in order to put your food intake first and create healthier meals? Will you be strong enough to fight the generation of spoiled children and wrong messages by giving your kids the responsibility to cook, clean, do chores and be able to teach them independent living? If you don't know how to cook, learn!!!

Next, what activities are you showing your kids that you do? If you have to quit smoking, that should come first. Period. Nobody in their right mind in this country or anywhere on the planet should continue to smoke cigarettes. Next, are you going to the gym, walking to and from work, or doing at least 15-30 minutes worth of exercise a day? Or at least 3 times a week to prevent heart attacks or diseases? And do you get your children to do physical activities or are they stuck watching television? And what are you doing for your sanity? Do you have hobbies that are examples for your children? Do you make quality time for them or are you too self-absorbed? Do NOT give me any lip about being too busy, especially you single parents. I sacrificed so much of my time and attention for my children and gave up many of my own activities to spend time with them. I gave up buying things for myself to take them on vacations. I gave up single living and dating in times when I needed to put my kids first. Again, I wasn't perfect, but my fire to create the right home for them was blazing, even in my struggling when I was living an unhealthy lifestyle. They were able to see me transform and I am grateful! So start now.

So as your Earth-physical environment is being examined one step at a time, how is your Water-emotional environment? Are you truly happy? Are you thinking of your own emotional well-being and finding ways everyday to improve this part of you? Do you fight to heal your scars and wounds? Do you search to find meaning in your parenting, relationship and/or your self-improvement? Do you let other's opinions of you get you down?? Do you tell your little dragons you love them? Do you laugh and play? Do you budget your time so you can relax? What could you do everyday, one step at a time, to improve your emotional health?

If you are a couple, do you show your children a healthy relationship? Are you truly loving your partner Unconditionally? Do you have a healthy way of communicating with him or her (or them)? Do you talk positively to each other or cut each other down? Is the relationship fixable if it is wounded or do you continue to spit fire at each other which is showing such a negative example to your children? What can you do to be more loving and giving to your partner? Do you know the different love languages and do you use them with your family? Can you give up selfish desires to put your relationship ahead of frivolity, like drinking, hanging out with friends over your partner, or doing things that constantly cause a detrimental reaction from them? How is your Water-emotional tank being filled?

Are you spending time on your Air-Intellectual self? What can you read or watch or learn to be a better parent? What can you teach your children from your own passions? What can you do to allow your children independence and to learn to fly? What can you do to better your own education? What do you do with your time on the internet? What do you read? And what do you watch on TV or at the movies--are these things mindless entertainment or positive influences?

And what do you do for your Fire-spiritual side? This is self-explanatory and I will cover more in the next chapter. But meanwhile, are you loving others Unconditionally? And do you TREAT others as you want to be treated? Especially your family???

I know we are all well-meaning in some way, shape or form. We all strive to be better people, but why?? What is the point of a great career if your kids hate you? Seriously. What is the rationale behind dragging kids to do something you want them to do if you are not paying any attention to what they feel? How can you protect them from predators? Are you truly listening to your own heart when you make choices everyday as a parent? And how do you find the balance in soaring ahead of them in order to protect them and pushing them off a cliff to watch them fly? When do you need to give them a strong life lesson in order to keep them from getting attacked? And when do you need to breathe the fire of protection to keep them safe and warm? Ask yourself: How are you as a Dragon Parent?

Chapter 5--Love's Labour Lost--Conditional V. Unconditional Love

Several years ago, as I was starting my book to my children, I stumbled upon a pattern in humanity that created a movement in my own life and those lives around me. This pattern has been threaded throughout everything I do and is a byproduct of Unconditional Love. I know that sounds really ODD to many (especially my children and those in my life who have learned that love is Conditional), but it is actually a truth that has become stronger and more quantifiable as I explore its possibilities.

See, it is within the LOVE that is LOST and FOUND that I continue to stand by what I have discovered and see the changes in those around me when I truly live in a state of Unconditional Love. It is going to be a Quantum Leap of faith and may alter your thought process if you are not familiar with living every moment in Love, but I guarantee that if you make an attempt to do it daily, you will start seeing it from the point of view of the Collective Consciousness, then you will seriously find your own life changing, progressing quickly, advancing in wisdom, and suddenly you will find yourself in a state of bliss like no other.

Once again, in my writing I remind you that loving everyone does NOT mean giving in, placating, becoming passive or a "doormat", or any allowance of anyone in your life to take advantage of you. Boundaries are by far the greatest expression of Love--if you love yourself enough to set a boundary, then the others in your life either show true love and respect it, or they will be a part of what I call the Love Labour Lost Pool...

My greatest blessing, however, is that I have been given the energy from my Divinity to heal many of these broken relationships, and most recently I have been blessed with the reunion in communication with my two children who did not grow up with me--Christopher and Jacquelyn. I can say that in spite of all the fear-based propaganda and separation, they have made the choice to be loving and take our relationship together to a higher level. I am grateful for both of my children, my oldest child Virginia whom I have been blessed to be with and continue our relationship continuously, and the newest members of my family--my better half, Mark, my best friend Amber, and their daughter Consciense...now we are a completed family! And I attribute it all to taking the higher path of Unconditional Love.

Love Everyone Because We Are All Part of the Creation!

In my fourth chapter on Love, I discussed digging deep into agape and philia, the ideologies/definitions of Love being for friendship and relationships. These are based on our unions formed with each Soul Mate as we are connected to the Divine and partner with the Collective Consciousness. This means that it is because we are connected to a Creator/Divine Source that allows all of Creation to connect together (outside time and space. This means that everyone and everything we encounter is part of our Divine connection). So it leads to the conclusion that we are all ONE in unity, those that have come before, those that will be here or with us in whatever capacity and however it looks to our own reality.

Now, my children and friends, this is a strange realization. Can you fathom loving everyone? Seriously--aren't there people in your life whom you can never see yourself loving? Even I have those people in my life, so don't think I have all the answers to the Divine plan! That is definitely where my humanity comes in too! But I will discuss separation from the Divine shortly. Meanwhile, take a moment to think of how your world would look if everyone loved one another!

Let's create this world of Perfect Love--what does it look like to you? Unrealistic huh? But let's just say our souls suddenly decided to live in harmony and everyone suddenly began practicing altruism--the act of completely giving selflessly. It would mean that social conventions would change drastically. For instance, MONEY would become obsolete. Everyone would give to one another what they need. MATERIAL EXCESS would also be unnecessary--why do you really need that expensive electronic anyway? VIOLENT IMAGERY would diminish--because the real world would eliminate violence, so would our images of the world through movies, video games and the internet. And LIFE would be valued, thus WAR and RELIGIOUS SEPARATISM and KILLING would diminish. Then what if we added true compassion for one another? We would see an end to EXTREME POVERTY, SERFDOM, CLASS DOMINANCE, and so forth. Again, this makes a great novel, but it is NOT currently a path of reality on this planet at this time.

Love always counterbalances with Fear. This is the realistic picture. And it has been inevitable and impossible to escape in the current way our Spirits play out our connections in this Universe. See, as I have learned, it may be that we have to experience negatives in order to appreciate positives. Again, we go back to the Yin and Yang of life. But I have seen the pattern change.... This sounds absurd to those who haven't been where we are yet, but it does change! Let me further investigate this possibility.

So if we are all created from the same Source, we are all part of the same fabric of the Universe, we are all infused with energy and that energy can either be a reflection of Love or Fear, which are emitted like vibrations throughout our being. Have you ever had that feeling that you know what someone is thinking just based on a feeling of them, not on anything they say or do? We alter our vibrations when we choose to focus on a certain frequency, which attracts others with the same vibration--those that choose the path of Love spend their days looking at their life and their surroundings, their family and friends, from the lenses of a Greater Power that is Unconditional. Like a scale tipped into a stronger direction, this kind of life is blessed, abundant and the doors open for more wisdom and peace than you can ever imagine. On the other side, many still choose the path of Fear to run their lives. This manifests, as mentioned in previous chapters, as prejudice, separatism, an imbalance of seeing others as inferior, and eventually it could lead to Hate. Supporting fear, worry and ideologies that are based in negative learned experiences or behaviors is what has created racism, religious oppression, and has spawned greater patterns like violence on television and the news, desensitizing our lives to the mire that we have created as a species.

This all leads back to WHERE do you put your energy?? Do you truly desire to start your path to loving everyone or do you want to give in to the current fear-based propaganda and sensational media that allows us to remain in a lower energy state of conflict?

Pushing Out the Fear and Centering in the Love

In my own life I have been faced with very specific fear-based challenges. I will quickly go through them, since many of my other writings go into detail about the challenges, changes and Soul Mates I have encountered that challenged who I AM and what I stood for in this lifetime. Specifically, I have defining moments that have brought about significant change and I have decided to live my life in Unconditional Love because of these challenges. As I experienced each threshold, feeling burned by each painful lesson, I had a choice that was proposed to me each time: live in resentment, anger and hate (all part of Fear) or move on and live in Love.

Fear manifests in many ways. Let me start with this, because it is not just about the relationships that have been a major factor in my life changing so drastically, but also the other manifestations of fear that have created an imbalance in my own Universe. If I start with my childhood, many of you can relate and can see how I chose the paths I did. And this too, as a loving memoir for my children, will also give them and all my "other children" the opportunity to find out more about who I AM as a whole. And as I always said, I am an open book. I asked for this lifestyle. I asked to be challenged. And ultimately, I asked to be a teacher and leader in this New Era of Enlightenment.

My parents were young--18 and 19--when I was born. I know there aren't any "manuals" on parenting, but in my knowledge of the world now, I am well aware that they were sorely unprepared for child rearing. My father and I are rather close now as I have said many times in my writings, but my mother made another choice in her life--to be angry and miserable and live her entire life in fear, jealousy and pain. Forgiveness was not very often expressed to us as children, and as the oldest of five siblings, I was often the brunt of my mother's anger. This by the way is an observation...I have no anger or resentment against my mother. I learned to see both sides of her--the loving and creative side and the angry and controlling side. I chose to take from that relationship a great number of gifts that I have in my own life today, such as my love for music, singing, cooking and throwing awesome children's birthdays.

What I learned from my mother is that her love was Conditional. She could not grasp the concept of how to overcome her anger toward her life, her family, her father and sister, and what she was lacking in her own journey. I had a similar revelation in high school--so many I met were one or the other, Conditional or Unconditional in their approach to love. I grew up in a Christian-based society where I met many leaders in the community that were actually genuine examples of Unconditional Love and some were shining examples of faith-based superiority and separatism. I observed friends from high school who were kind and yet had emotional stagnation within their own families. I also observed friends who had felt or shown some kind of superiority because of money, parental issues, or status of some sort. And yet I tended to befriend and remain friends with those like myself who had a sense of loyalty, togetherness and friendship. I swore I would live my life as my greatest examples had shown me, Love is Truly Source and Truly Unconditional. This was the lesson I learned from the great Masters in my life--Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, and Mother Theresa. So I made a choice to live as an example of Unconditional Love, but that did not last very long.

College was a different story altogether. Everything seemed conditional. I put those limitations on my experiences there. For instance, I had a lot of male friends and suitors, but I never allowed them to flourish into anything solid. I was determined to finish my degree no matter what so I always kept men at arm's length. I decided not to marry a couple of them. I ended up attracting men who were also non-committal and not faithful. I didn't see a need for monogamy OR love. But in the end, I did feel love at least in a Conditional sense. Life was moving forward, I was learning how to create a distance from people but at the same time I was learning the depths of love in literature, in watching others around me, and found a great limitation in relationships that were created in college...I felt lonely after the years of closing off to the Unconditional possibility.

I also had a major life dichotomy in my career and then in my marriage at the age of 22. I had to choose the very conditional lifestyle of a doctor and continue pushing to graduate and go to medical school, or on the other hand to settle into a relationship that was permanent and seek unconditional partnership. I chose to get married. I missed out in one way of a lifetime of stability, focus, money and doing something good for society and for myself. But I was blessed with the amazing satisfaction of being a mother. Since all three children were born by the age of 27, and because my marriage fell apart at 30 years old, I was able at that point to definitely recognize a love that was not going to be giving, not going to put my needs above his own, and not able to truly grasp the Source of Unconditional Love, and the kind of love I would then spend the next 14 years seeking to find. Everything in the worlds of those around me at that point revolved around money or social status--my ex, his family, my bosses, my friends, and my own family--and many of them used a false belief system to ostracize and cut out anyone that didn't believe in their system, including the imposed ideology that I was demanded to subject myself unconditionally but receive no reward in return.

This leads to the divorce. I was subjected to a variety of fear-based emotions to counteract with my own self-loathing and fear, which came out as I made a decision that shattered my faith in humanity. I was faced with betrayal. I experienced this from my sister, my ex-husband, my ex-in-laws and my mother, all of whom "judged" and put a condition on me because I chose to leave my marriage. But their actions ultimately led to a karmic path of deception. These betrayals included a series of lies about my character, which led to a nasty custody battle which still continues. And they led to the ultimate downfall of my faith in my belief system as well. If these people could be so hateful for my choice to leave, and then commit acts of hatred, then how could they be portraying an honorable ideology of the Creator? Then I gave up hope, experienced that journey into the abyss, fell into a much-deserved depression, and spent five years in a state of anger against those who were allowed to cause these betrayals. But THIS too is an illusion! See, they were and are just incapable of understanding Unconditional Love. They acted out of their own self-denial. Their character portrayals were destroyed in my eyes. And I too became conditional--the ONE thing I swore would never happen.

Then there were the years of confusion. Why did I continue to attract Conditional Love? Why did I find myself incapable of attracting someone with these ideologies? Why did I have such Unconditional Love from my children but such hatred from those around me? My ex-husband and his family were hateful and spiteful in their actions, spending every dime in court but not even lifting a finger to help me get back on my feet for my children's sake. They continued to take more and more money. My boyfriend during those years was hateful and angry and violent but wouldn't leave me. My kids were struggling and watched me go through so much pain. My daughter who lived with me was suddenly taken from me a second time and I was devastated and the wounds reopened. By this time I fought back. I fought against the system and started publishing papers on the corrupt court system and inability for justice to see abuse when it is right in front of them. Like the human condition, separated and disjointed, the Family Law courts were specifically riddled with injustices and betrayals and abuses, caused by the anger fed into it and the attorneys who promoted separation and discredit those of us that were fighting for truth. In fact, if there ever was a creature of destruction, its name is Family Law Court. I became vocal locally and nationally and the court and the ex's family fought back harder.

I hit a breaking point, which everyone who must find a better path eventually does. After I finally took a break for my sanity and went to study for my last semester in college at University of Alicante in Spain, I walked away from all the projected anger and judgement. I chose to have a solitary but meaningful life. This started while I was in Spain because it was such a tranquil place to live and I was right on the ocean. But I found that my break turned into a momentary stop. And the ability to be alone was superseded by a strong, sudden attraction to a Spaniard. I eloped with him in Spain, then officially back in the U.S., and we moved to Aspen, Colorado. He was a wonderful man but on the path of self-awareness, yet not ready for an altruistic companionship. He left after we were married four months. I was able to get over it quickly because our time together was so short, but he again showed me a Conditional love. This then became the Opposing Pattern: Conditional Relationships were showing me what was NOT the right path.

So I realized that the second, unrealistic marriage was built on conditions as well and I filed for an annulment. By this time, as you probably guessed, I was still living Unconditionally for my children but not able to live this way in a relationship. I continued to repeat this lesson over and over until about three years ago. Meanwhile, I learned that my ability to make a home and settle somewhere became conditional as well. My ability to work at a job that was what I was worth was conditional and all but impossible to find. I can't practice in my academic profession because the field of Anthropology demands a higher degree than what is possible for me to have attained at that time. And my relationships with friends were conditional. I didn't have any support from family or otherwise, except for my sister Jane, who has always been my sounding board and my rock. But she too was feeling the conditional love that always makes us wanting for more, never satisfied in our lives.

Sudden Awakening and the Awareness of my Limitations

Now showing how my life changed from Conditional in childhood, Unconditional in my faith, to a loss of faith and an implementation once more of the Conditional. This was all part of the contrast to my learning process. I had to lose my belief in humanity to be capable of Unconditional Love! This way I could prove it to myself by attempting to see if it is actually possible! And guess what? It was!

I decided to begin to live my life and connection to the Universe as the element of Unconditional Love in my life. It took a few more years of failed jobs and failed relationships and I became a failure to myself as I fell into a cold state of conditional love mirrored by the use of alcohol and drugs to distance myself further from pain and anger. I spent three years in this state of brokenness, then attracted the worst kind of relationships that I could have imagined--the physically abusive ones. I had some of this experience with my boyfriend after marriage. But it was during my period of awakening that my strongest attraction became someone who was so self-loathing that his anger was always taken out on me. He was my total opposite and my chance to learn to vibrate either for or against my own true happiness. I had no choice: I HAD to see that side of me or I would never be whole and face the truth of my existence!

After 2008, I ran as fast as I could from this relationship but I ended up attracting men constantly who wanted to control me! I was still continuing the pattern and I had to discover why. And this Soul Mate remained in my life for another 2 years! It was the most difficult in Miami and the year afterward because I was separated from this hateful boyfriend, but still unable to give up the acts of separation that became habits in my life with him (alcohol and drugs). And he refused to let me go, which turned into an obsession to control me. This lesson taught me to fight for my independence but also to find another way out--to vibrate differently. By this time, I was further separated from my two youngest children who have been forbidden to contact me for 4 years. This was the ex's ultimate hate, but it is going to be no match to the power of Unconditional Love!

I had an awakening. I started studying the works of Thich Nhat Hanh. Then I couldn't get enough! I couldn't stop learning, reading, understanding how the Universe works! I took a job in Miami with a metaphysical store and began classwork on the different methods of meditation and focusing on the Collective Consciousness. I also read amazing works from great teachers that changed my life (Dr. John DeMartini, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Carolyn Myss and the masters the Dalai Lama, Yogananda and Kahlil Gilbran, all changed my thinking!). I learned quickly about manifestation and focusing one's vibration, changing one's energy in order to attract greater outcomes on one's path. And it began to work! I was shown how to run a youth program for Indigo children. I was given the plans for structuring a society that is self-sustaining in Unconditional Love. And this was just the beginning!

After the death of my ex-boyfriend in 2011, I realized that there is a definite chasm between Conditional and Unconditional love. I felt the pain of loss but the relief of freedom. I will always love him because I AM made from love. But in the end taking his own life showed me he could never love me back in the same way. Shortly after his death, I also found myself in a similar relationship for another year before discovering that my love could be tested once more! And that is when I realized that I could only love Unconditionally and would always do so...I have nothing but love for those that have been Soul Mates to me in this life! He left angry and bitter, but that is because his love for me was starkly Conditional--in fact so obviously so that it was the most difficult to leave. He was so lost, I felt so much love and compassion for him, especially after his mother's death last year. But this too showed me how incapable the World can be to Unconditional Love! He has taken a stance of anger and remorse, denial and hatred instead of Unconditional Love. BUT remember that time after my divorce that I felt so much betrayal? This is where he is, and you know what? I don't blame him--in fact, I embrace him and feel for his loss and pain, which makes me all the more grateful for being able to Unconditionally Love him and his family! Not everyone understands my love for the world, but it doesn't mean I don't love them. I always will love Unconditionally now that I see from a different lens.

So this leads to my next story, which will be how I opened up to Unconditional Love and how I find it to engage me in processing through ALL the pain, from this lifetime and way back into many others, and transform it into pure energy through connection with the Divine. As my engineering daughter Virginia would say: Unconditional Love = Connection with the Source of All Energy! Or as I have read in the very Bible subscribed by the faith to once I subscribed: "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (Proverbs 10:12). Quoting from Kalhil Gilbran from his work, The Prophet, Love is truly an experience:

"Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

Therefore, I have embraced and found my Center in Unconditional Love. This cannot be taken from me, nor can it be reversed. Suddenly we find ourselves passing a threshold...there comes a point when the practice of Unconditional Love covers all and we look at all of humanity through the lens of Pure Love. So suddenly this too is what I am attracting in my life. I am excited to share it with all of you!

What is Irrational in the Mind of One is Completely Sane in Another (Part I)

I have been facing some VERY strange life path issues today and within the last week. After having an amazing channeling session with my friend Joshua Magee (http://yournotthat.com/) about what to do with our lives once we acquire all this wonderful knowledge about the Spiritual development and workings within the Universe. I have been blessed by the answers, which include the fact that I AM always swimming in the right direction because the Universe will change us according to our will and our final destinations. We are designed to learn lessons in this lifetime (or recall those that may have been from other lifetimes) to teach us something, whether they be considered pleasurable or painful lessons (after all, our human selves react to ALL situations based on PAIN or PLEASURE). We create a thought form that becomes a belief based on our reaction. Our reactions, of course, are partially spiritually and partially genetically designed to determine our outcome responses.

For instance, a child goes to school and realized she is smarter than everyone else in her class. (Sorry, daughter of mine, I AM using you as an example). Her mother has spent a great amount of time educating her to read and to be aware of her Universe long before she even turns four. So her experiences within her realm of reality are based on 1. her knowledge base that was passed along to her by her mother and 2. the fact that she is already genetically pre-disposed to intelligence since both her parents were scholars. Now, within her framework, this child has a choice to use this knowledge and intelligence to baffle her teachers, to hold her superiority over her classmates, or to become lazy in school.

All these are normal responses for children to experience, especially in the realm of American school dynamics and the sociological upbringings these dynamics have manifested throughout the years. HOWEVER, my child responded to these "gifts" (knowledge, wisdom and information) with humility and often with questioning and wonder at the Universe, rather than with pride and superiority. So I am SUPER proud to say that this child grew up to be an amazing brilliant, responsible AND humble young woman who truly understands her gifts are also that and her Universe is created through her gratefulness. SO she took her spiritual self (higher self) into consideration and has been blessed because of these decisions. She created a world of positive feedback, which activates the PLEASURE center of her brain, to feed her desire to succeed in both her educational and her relational life.

I have several friends with children with disabilities. They are amazing parents! I don't know that ALL parents with children with disabilities are amazing, but my friends are. A couple of examples in particular have stuck with me. We had a young boy in our neighborhood growing up with cerebral palsy. He was a great friend to all and loved immensely among the kids. I watched how his mother, who had 2 sons much older and born "normal", was such a patient and loving and calm woman. I was so grateful and will always be grateful for her in my neighborhood because she was the mom-figure I aspired to be like the most. Her son turned out to be a great young man, who not only graduated with his high school class, but finished college. Her patience and beauty were memories that always gave me the feelings of PLEASURE. I used to babysit often for this young man when I was a teenager because I loved being around him and their family.

The other woman I am thinking of as an example is a childhood friend who still lives in our home town. She is also an amazing woman. In her case, she overcame a lot of family adversity and skewed belief systems that allowed her own mother to treat her very poorly as a child and treat her sister like she could not do anything wrong (both family patterning examples are irrational, but they seem to be ingrained beliefs that are deeply rooted). Black and white thinking is very abusive and also very common. In my friend's case, she has one son who was born with Autism. And I have never seen a more lovely example of a mother! She is such a wonderful, patient, loving woman who is raising her son to be so happy and brilliant. Her amazing tenacity and steadfast unconditional love shine through when she talks about her son. I watched her interact with him and it was apparent he is the luckiest boy on the planet to have a mother like her. He can integrate his PLEASURE feelings with those of memories with his mother.

If a child grows up with an abusive parent, in a controlling scenario, or is repeatedly rejected based on the family's "treatment" of him or her, that child may have completely different responses or reject their family altogether, depending upon the influences in his or her life. In my life, my father was and is a wonderful man. However, during my childhood, he wasn't around much. He had the responsibility, chosen or imposed, to care for many children financially (I am the oldest). My mother, on the other hand, was very Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. One day she was amazing, supportive, loving, and created a world of possibilities and experiences for us. The next, she would be upset by something and would freak out on everyone around her and impose her displeasure those closest to her, mainly her children, and principally me as the oldest.

I was NOT a quiet child. I would fight back. So by the time my father would come home, it was just a matter of time before whatever really bothered her in the first place was stuffed and not dealt with because the most pressing issue would then become her imposition of her feelings on me and my blatant disrespect for not allowing her to rant and scream without fighting back (like my poor sister often did). My brother always tried to "logically reason" with her (he is great in that way), but often she would still fly off the handle and all the logic in the world did nothing to console her aggressive and often violent outbursts. But it was only consistent in the fact that we knew, eventually every week at some point, she would lose control and we would have to emotionally be prepared for a verbal lashing.

I was not a perfect parent, especially given these examples that were definitely and deeply ingrained in my psyche. Of course, they were obviously ingrained in my mother's psyche as well, and her father, and so forth and so on... I spent the first few years of parenthood absolutely doting all over my children and couldn't be apart from them for 2 minutes. I was a "supermom" type, but I was extremely unhappy without the balance of my own self-worth and career. I became a "martyr"--home raising children because my husband told me I was not "allowed" to return to school, which imprinted a very negative and PAINFUL bitterness that festered for years. I found myself in the same stale marital situation as my parents, and my kids' father was never around and he was truly never there for me emotionally because he was too busy appeasing his parents and put his work over his family. In the long run, the ideal marriage that was suppose to be a lifetime commitment was undermined by his inappropriate action to make all our marital decisions with his father's control and his mother's passive insistence. But that is not the point of this reflection today. Our marriage did fall apart and I left him because I had had enough being ignored and disrespected and dishonored. And it is totally okay not to put up with verbal and emotional abuse.

But in the course of life events after I went to college and before I actually left my lifeless marriage ten years later, there was a time I could feel myself slipping into the role and becoming the very mother figure with whom I was raised (miserable about my failing marriage, lonely, sad, and several times I lost my temper--yet I always curbed it and ALWAYS apologized to my children, which changes the story drastically). This subtle transformation into negativity was a shock and a horror to me! I never ever in a million years wanted to pass that to my children! So I left the man who was imposing these beliefs on me (male superiority, male and religious privilege, financial superiority, and emotional berating), and I chose to be a single mother. As stated in previous chapter, that didn't turn out well, because there were so many moments I was lonely and would not allow myself to be alone, which led to several bad relationships and several plans to escape. The PAIN center of my life was becoming difficult to manage, so I would run from it, but it always appeared in a new and different form because it was one of my life path lessons.

So the PAIN of the marital situation, which mimicked the PAIN Of the parental situation (I married a version of my mother), led me to pull my proverbial hand away from the stove and I chose to leave. Since then, their reactions (both of them) have responded to me out of jealousy, hatred, vengeance and my mother tried everything to ruin my relationship with my children. Once again, one person's skewed view of life being "unfair" and that because they were not given a break gives one false liberty to hurt others or martyr themselves. Classic Greek Tragedy stories. Which I maintain to this day were and are also genetically linked behaviors in humanity. Betrayal, however, is in my judgment and in MY belief system, the most unforgivable crime. Though this is truly not a reality (everything is an illusion), it is only an attachment that remains from my feelings attached to the divorce, my mother siding with my ex-husband, my youngest sister's betrayal by lying in court to give him custody (and having a relationship with him, also out of vengeance) and my ex-father-in-law still imposing his control by imprinting his male superiority onto his son and maintaining that belief system to this day. It has, however, caused my children and I GREAT PAIN and so we all have reacted differently to it according to our mind's pain reaction to the situation. I continue to write and fight for the just outcome to be done, but my three children are just trying to forget it had ever happened and run from the PAIN, rather than face it.

So we have covered that successes and positive feedback lead to PLEASURE responses and negative and dishonoring feedback lead to PAIN responses. We call the latter in psychology fight or flight. Obviously my most painful examples are used as thus because I am going through this major transformation with them as they are deeply embedded into my PAIN centers of my brain. in my discovery, I have established a median line: all experiences cause both PAIN and PLEASURE. For example, one event that brings a PLEASURE response, like meeting a love interest for the first time, may be the cause of PAIN for that partner's ex. The love interest (in my case, several of them) then finds himself wandering off or getting back together with the ex, both to avoid PAIN and instigate PLEASURE. And thus that first memory of the meeting of that person can no longer be thought of as exclusively a pleasurable experience.

Thus this leads me to my most current situations. I have found that a series of enjoyable events, mainly in traveling across the country with my partner, are not as enjoyable in my memory as they once were. We have torn apart the trip and both assigned negative consequences to everything pleasurable about the trip. It was an amazing learning experience and I definitely felt at the time I was swimming in the right direction. However, now that there are negative memories attached to each of those experiences, I have to reevaluate what is PLEASURE to my memory is not necessarily that to my partner, nor the other way around. But once again, the reality is that what I believe to be a great memory may not be what another would find as great. As we are analyzing our successes and failure over the last year, I have come to discover I find that most of our PAIN-based experiences were our greatest learning lessons, but our minds cannot fathom letting the PAIN out of our consciousness in order to let the experience go.

For example, when we were in Florida this past Spring, we made a 2 week detour to Orlando. We found that hotels in Kissimmee were by the national average the least expensive hotel rates per week of any hotel in the country. So we checked into a weekly hotel and had a few extra days intermittently while we were there at other places. We had made a little money while acting in New Orleans and between that and a tax return, we were able to get a 4-day pass to Universal Studios. That adventure, by far, was my favorite part of our trip and to this day the memories attached to the theme park and how we are both avid movie fans (thus why we own a production company) gave us childlike joy when experiencing the adventures we did. We rode The Hulk ride and saw The Blues Brothers Show and experienced Harry Potter's Hogworts Kingdom and laughed hysterically at the Simpsons ride...and the tribute to Lucille Ball and the Tower of Doom and the Jurassic Park ride...okay, I could go on. But it was in the 4 days that I felt the closest to James and felt that overwhelming PLEASURE of our closeness and our happy memories.

But in a most recent argument, as all couples do, we are stressing over money and our trip to Orlando came up. He is still angry at the amount of money it cost to be there and take that trip. That was a surprise because I thought it was such a magical time together, and it really hurt me. I was saddened by the response. Since then we have begun to talk through why it is SO important to create these memories that are positive. As I pressured him into staying the extra time, I have to apologize for my part in making the memories attached more PAINFUL than PLEASURABLE. In the apology, he has two ways to respond: accept it for an error in judgment and let it go, or hold onto the regret and not allow it to heal as a memory that carries both LOVE and FEAR (the pain of losing money).

This goes back to my example of parenting. If we make a mistake as a parent, we cannot expect our children to forgive us! But we can expect them to have a different memory attached to a bad parenting experience IF we choose to say we are sorry for what we have done. This is truly the only way to change a "bad" memory into a "good" one. This actually has a similar resonance that vibrates with emotions. We can either vibrate in Love or in Fear. I have covered this in many of my past writings. However this vibration, this memory, this attached emotion can only be totally resolved if there is a consistent change in parenting as well, such as in this example. Any experience that leads one to have to repeatedly say "I'm sorry" but never really mean it or resolve it, will then have to continue to get the same responses from the injured parties of such decisions.

So we can only lead by example. We can create great memories for ourselves, our children, and those around us. We have the choice to deal with all life experiences and attach emotions to those experiences. However, as I will further in the second half of my resolution, I will show that it is in the process of transforming all of these memories and thoughts into learning moments by NOT attaching a label to the experience (as I learned in our talk on Saturday with Joshua and his friends) that we are truly free then to vibrate only in accordance to our TRUE NATURE, or higher self, and only allow experiences that resurface to do so in order to process them, not to use them to fuel an emotional flame from days past. This process is not easy and I would LOVE to walk everyone through it in my next writing.

I Am Made of Precious Scales - The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin

This is going to be the next part of the book I have started. Any feedback or interest in the writing, please let me know.

One of the elements of passion I will begin to explore more in this journey is that of humor. After all I experiences of Tragedy, I find myself drawn more and more to humor, to Life’s Comedy, and this is reflected daily by my partner. He has a great voice for his cartoons and often he can mimic famous actors or movies in jest during conversation. As I chose the title for this segment, of course, I can hear his voice laughingly doing Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” as he says, “The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin” in his creepiest voice. So I put the lotion in the basket…and we go back to the story after a fit of laughter.

The burning in my lungs when I began this reflection took a long time to heal but finally subsided. The virus or whatever it was that slowed down my momentum is no longer hindering me. Now it is just blazing hot and I am in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record—we have been burned in Florida, stifled in Chicago and now overheated and lethargic in Denver. The return to the Foothills of Colorado was not a cool and calm welcoming to me like my past returns. We are blazing hot! My partner and I have had some crazy ups and downs while we were on the road, but now it is time to take what we have found on our adventure and bring it home. Our Journey together is not over, it is just beginning to take root.

The flight of this Dragon has been a powerful force, not just in me, but in the reflection of the man with whom I have found friendship and affection. It is funny. I gave up looking for a partner and he appeared right when I needed him. This is by no means a fairy tale ending. The seven months we have been travelling has brought the two of us together but it has by no means created the powerful production company our earthly partnership had intended to manifest---not at the moment, not yet of course.

The wounded Dragon has come out of her cave. She saw her reflection in the pool of water before her and she was frightened. She knew that in spite of his appearance, and that it was just as fierce as hers, she was not ready to look into the face of the Mirror. She soared high, gathered speed, shrieked loudly, and perched atop a high mountain where she shed her skin. She was growing in strength but it was only the first part of her growth. And when she returned to the pool to look again, she realized that in her own reflection, she caught his eyes as well and they both had grown.

This is truly how I have pictured my last two years of rapid change. I am finding my voice again. And have found my fire. This is where, once I finally realized where we had been, that upon looking back at our friendship, our joining forces, and our travels, there were really two trails of smoke behind us the whole time. We have grown together. And in spite of the pains, I am grateful he truly was there with me.

I began this path of growth and rebirth when I moved away from Colorado, but I have returned so many times because this is where I am drawn. About three years ago, when I was living in Miami, I thought that once I was geographically free from the torrid relationship I had left, I would find the “one true love” of my life. (I will describe the meaning of the relationship in subsequent chapters—after all, he too was one of my soul mates. Thus the quest to solve why I am here began). But finding my partner didn’t happen. I was sorely disappointed. I had opened many psychic channels which gave me the knowledge of the destruction around me but also gave me the hope of a partner to come along and join me. I have felt alone so many times. I remember often walking around South Beach or even riding the buses in Denver or the Loop in Chicago and I would stare aimlessly upward and beg for an explanation: had I become so tough from my life lessons, so removed from the possibility of a gentle relationship to break through these hard scales I had been given?

Around the same time, I met an executive producer in Colorado who helped to pull me out of the ashes after I left the destruction of my broken dreams behind. He gave me a purpose and I learned everything I could about the entertainment industry, specifically about how to produce a feature film. I have been on stage for years. I picked up acting after the divorce again, playing a lead role in a major performance that set my soul on fire again. I auditioned for many additional roles and felt the stings of many rejections. But I have found a path in film from which I have found comfort in my age and my appearance. Yet it was behind the scenes, dreaming and setting goals to create these beautiful entities called films, that I have found a higher level of passion. I am grateful for his part in igniting this fire in me.

Playing with the big dogs of feature filmmaking is not a walk in the park. You can’t pee on a few trees and expect to find the miracle in such a safe and landscaped environment. Yes, anyone can pick up a camera these days and make and independent film. But it is in the details of producing that the real magic happens. So I set out to learn everything and be the best top dog I could be.

The miracle didn't happened. Nor did the money. Nor did any of the films I worked so diligently to peddle for over a year. And the executive producer moved on to another female intern and refused to pay me what I was worth. So I left to start my own ventures. I then partnered with a new and exciting filmmaker and close friend in Chicago. We started the dreaming process again after we had a separation—the relationship of course got in the way of progress. The renewal happened about the time I had returned to Colorado for the last time from Miami, and when my world fell apart, I hung up that hat for a long while. So I didn’t work for the executive producer any longer and the partnership with the filmmaker too had dissipated in time. I was not ready.

After a year growing and working in the Spiritual community, I built a solid foundation of friends and networks for a youth program for other sensitive and psychic kids. My gifts at that point had been new, like the growing Phoenix I had become. So, I figured, we could all grow together. This was my blessing in disguise when the one I left years before suddenly took his own life. It was my community that held me and cried with me and was there for me. My sister in Texas was empathetic and for most of our lives, we have strengthened each other and I commiserated with her on many occasions. She knew all about my life. And she and I both share that Highly Sensitive personality. Thus we also share that propensity to choose destructive relationships as well as that conflict we call addiction. So many of us exist on this planet—the downtrodden and the lost and the single mothers who have had to fight to survive, especially for some reason in this supposed-modern day and age of reason in the U.S.A. The system never fails to hold down those who try to crawl out of the hole. So I figured, why not build a ladder and we can all crawl out together?

This ladder, or ascending path, is both the Spiritual one and also the career path that I am creating. How I see it is this: when the visions of our dreams succeed, both in reality and financially, I will be able to bring alongside those that we choose to honor for their part in our lives….actors, producers, writers, creators of all sorts. And we can create these visions together. So sure enough, my sister and I have joined forces to write out stories before and we will continue to do so. This is what sparked me to write in the first place, and our first screenplay together is still going to be our best story.

My filmmaker friend in Chicago has also had the Vision. She too has had the rough experiences of divorce, betrayal, raising teenagers and fighting against the odds to create solid films that will become legends. The filmmaker has succeeded where many have failed. Her vision is strong and that is why we went to Chicago as part of our recent journey, to join forces and create together. Businesses don’t happen overnight, and we helped to start the foundation for what she is building, but our company and our vision is to plant roots in both the Spiritual community and in the movie industry right here in our home territory. And we plan to combine the two.

So there are paths to show all sorts of enlightened ideals through film, television and media. We have the anarchy of the internet—that is enough to get out messages, one viral stroke of luck at a time. And it works. But this method doesn’t work for everyone. Fortunately, we all have a niche we are trying to fill so we will find like-minded souls to help us with our journeys. For instance, my filmmaker friend is American Latino, so her entertainment preferences and filmmaking choices will revolve around creating quality and celebratory pieces for her market. My partner and I have a mutual love for science fiction and fantasy (you would never guess with all the Dragon references, would you?), so our goals are aligned together with many other partnering filmmakers, writers, producers and artists. We have several of our productions set to be animated, because that’s what we desire to see immortalized and on the big screen.

My scales have grown strong and they are shiny. I am blessed. Many only look at their scars as hideous flaws or monstrous outgrowths of fear. Often growing a tail or horns is considered abnormal for a dragon. But if one thinks they are a beast of a different sort, of course that makes sense. It’s not all fluffy unicorns and angel wings that grow out of strength and courage. And not all fire-breathers understand their gifts either. Many forget what they have endured and jump right into the same fire over and over again. I am guilty of that myself obviously—I am an expert at repeat mistakes. But it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate my scales, my scars, my tail, my claws and my fire.

In the same way, not all filmmakers have to have a happy-ever-after ending and not all good guys get the girl and save the day. Not all producers have to use blood and gore and zombies either, but heck if that isn’t the most popular genre of our time right now. If I could rationalize zombies becoming enlightened then maybe I could fit in to that trend. Meanwhile, I will stick to what I know, allegories and Dragons and fantasy. So creating visual fireworks with a camera, a green screen and CGI is real to me and my world. I would love to share my prolific world with others. And I am doing so one step at a time. My partner and I are writing and creating fantastical tales and sharing our vision. And we have agreed to keep going until someone sees our vision and helps us run with it (with or without zombies). So our tenacity will feed our hunger and we will shed our scales to grow greater and stronger with each experience.

My partner and I have had many firsts together on this trip. For the sake of our fans, present and future, and for the edification of our children, I will have to delineate these adventures thoroughly in blogs (chapters) to come. Since this series of writings comes from my heart and my perspective, I will do my best to fairly portray both sides of each story as much as possible. That being said, remember, I am not easy to get along with as a partner, wife or whatever I am called to those who are with me. And my stubbornness to be independent has been the death of many relationships before, so it was a Fool’s leap to get into a small vehicle and drive from Colorado to Texas to Louisiana to Florida and then up to Illinois only to find ourselves on our way back to Colorado. And as I mentioned, all this travelling took place in the last seven months.

So we will tell you of our experiences, our revelations and our voluminous collection of stories. But many you will have to wait and see on film. Meanwhile, as we are writing and producing our films, I will reflect on these lessons while elaborating on our newest adventures as well.

Now the Dragon is ready to take flight! She spreads out her enormous wings and cries joyfully as she dives from the rocky cliff where her fears were left behind. She knows she is her own being, her own reflection, but she seeks out the others just the same. The strength is not in her solitude but in collecting her family around her. As she soars above the dry and wasted land that once was lush and cool and green, she is saddened by the destruction. There were many fires, many souls lost, too many dreams dashed upon those rocks. Many have tried to blame the fires and the destruction on her and her kind. But every being is responsible for his or her own path and choices. Her flight is short—she must land to strengthen her wings before continuing. When she finds her own inner strength and her own power, she too can join in the healing of the land. She realizes, as she descends into the valley, that this is why she is here.

Death and Rebirth: The Body and the Spirit

Written June 2012, Chicago, IL

Today is a new day. Actually, every day is a new day for me. I am a blessed woman. I have discovered my own power and I know who I am. But in that, I am constantly in a state of awareness, heightened learning and change. I live in the moment. I am aware of this world around me and those connections within my Soul and with my Spirit and the Universe. So why am I stuck? Literally, I am grounded and sick in bed. I feel like the Phoenix—my body is about to implode and I am ready to start tomorrow born in a new flame. I am counting on that “new beginning” to be free from allergies and this terrible spring cold.

I am writhing in pain as I begin this writing. My lungs are on fire, my throat is convulsing, and this microscopic entity called a virus has found its way into my sinuses and has caused me immense grief. At first I thought it was all allergies, which I never experienced here in Chicago before. They say the pollen count is at an all-time high. But my lungs are throbbing and don’t care where the source of irritation has birthed, and that they are still keeping me awake and making me aware of my human form constantly. So you know what? I am stuck home and have time to reflect on my life. Very few events have grounded me. I have a habit of making every day an adventure. So these experiences are all new for me—middle age and illness and the unknown. So this experience is teaching me to slow down and stop and listen.

I have always been a wanderer. I spent most of my life plowing through obstacles and creating roller coasters. Not literally, I’m a business woman. I negotiate contracts and I am starting up a major corporation. So a major illness is not on my agenda. Nor is death, or tragedy, nor any additional factor that might derail my progress. I am driven. And every experience I have had up until now has led me to this moment. I have never lived more than a couple years in one area, but I keep coming back to my home sweet home, Chicago. I loved my ten years in the Denver area, but I won’t miss the cold, the dry air (my hair dislikes dry air), and the memories attached to my wild years and raising my children as a poor, single mother. Thank goodness my darling oldest daughter graduated and went off to college to study engineering—one of us is creating a stable career—and I am free to explore the world once again.

I have spent the last 6 months at light speed and in a very small car. So this is my chance to reflect. I met a couple of great financial investors, and continued to create the life we have imagined living. And we will see what happens next. This is one of my stops—where will the Universe take me next? My idea of camping is a 2-star hotel, so living a nomadic life for the last 6 months, on-and-off, was fun and exciting, but way outside my normal travelling criteria and comfort zone of pleasure. My partner, on the other hand, is very comfortable in the great outdoors and makes a killer meal on a campfire. I love to visit places, but with flight schedule, a full suitcase of clothes for various fun activities, and a map to all the cool places to go. He likes to relax and fish and wander. If I had known that the unforeseeable journey would include moments of homelessness, living out of the car and replacing tires--all of them--I would have stayed home to prepare. He also mentioned post script that if we had known how difficult the trip would be, we would have stayed home (in Denver) for a few more months to save additional funds. Instead, we dove into the trip and navigated this great U.S. of A. with a GPS, a worn car atlas and a couple of bottles of Sailor Jerry’s. And I loved every moment of the journey—even at the toughest points of learning.

Until recently, as I will explain in further detail, I was content to stay home and work on my spiritual growth. I had run away and travelled far, but I found myself back home in the mountains and foothills of Colorado, where I have been on and off for twelve years. I have been focusing on the Universe and its mysteries for several years now, as I will further delve into explanation. I lived my life on my own Zen path, in spite of those around me and their journeys. My family, children and partners never truly understood. I was pleasantly creating a life around me that was solitary and yet in a group of enlightened healers, much like myself. I made a plethora of friends. I surrounded myself with those that could feel the strength of the connection between us and our Creator, no matter from which source of dogma or mythology the thoughts had come.

The idea that there is a God, or Creator, or pantheon of thought forms, or alien higher race, has come through a form of a Higher Self in order to connect us together in this pool of what we call Humanity, has been my source of inspiration since I was a child. I have spent countless hours studying and connecting and searching. I came close to joining an Ashram a year ago. And now I have come to a place where it doesn’t matter where that source comes from, but that it is threaded throughout the daily life I live that counts. And it is reminding me that I must depend on that Higher Self for guidance, for both the healing of my burning chest (temporary) and for the direction I must take my next step (long term). I am born of fire! Yet, explaining that metaphor to my swollen sinuses is currently pointless and aggravating. In this fire, however, I am seeking the flame of my Higher self and I am not alone in this quest.

The Shamaness’ Path of Experience and Awareness

After years mismatched partnerships, I finally met someone with whom I have been connected and I knew right away that it was the path I was meant to take--to travel across the country, for months on end, to find a way to create a life together and work together and create entertainment together. It hasn’t been easy. We are producing a series of TV shows and movies. We were planning to retire and dreamed about finding the right investors, but that immediate fantasy was short lived. I have allowed myself to be “responsible” for everything. I have had to decide where we go and who we see and what paths to take and with whom to network. This has created a burden of imbalanced control. So after several weeks of intense works in Florida that ended unsettled, I returned to my original plan to join forces with another strong-willed woman to create a powerful business model. I have come to work for another entertainment company so I can finish what we started, but from a different angle.

So I am older and wiser. And I attract younger men; well, actually now, I have attracted one younger man, but he is so much like me. I have a childlike spirit. But it is easily derailed when I have to be the task master in business and in a relationship. I am impossible to live with; I know that. But I am also the hardest worker I know. I am independent to a fault, which has deep roots I will explain. I have overcome the worst of any type of relationship: betrayal. I have survived and conquered post-traumatic stress disorder from years of mental and emotional abuse. In the past, I attracted and take responsibility for settling with a series of abusive men, most of whom resembled my psychotic and immature mother, and I have had to profusely apologize for my temper tantrums.

Yet I am still here. I beat the odds and somehow the battle scars work in my favor to make me the Warrior that I have embraced as my masculine “Emporer” side. I don’t know if I like it though. I would rather be gentle and innocent and kind. I would love to go back to that first day I stepped onto a stage and just embrace the Innocent and the starry-eyed youth I once was. I want to be that happy little girl who wants to grow up and be an actress. So I became a producer instead. And now I play hardball for a living. And I won’t stop until we have succeeded in producing what we have created. I am embodying Kali, Baba Yaga, The Chrone. I am a bit too young for the Senior Discount, but I am fully aware of the Dharma and Tao of the Warrior Soul.

I have analyzed hours of data and studied mountains of materials to find out the way to raise money and become successful. I am an entrepreneur. I manage all my time to seek out the right balance of market study and making connections. I have a massive network of connections, both in business and in my spiritual life. And I have been pursuing these dreams of mine and making them into realities and goals for years now. I started with just an idea—I want to become a famous actress—and I built that dream through hours of study and hard work throughout high school and into college. Actually, I caught the acting bug, much like this virus that is making me hack up a lung, and it was a hard and fast transformation. I knew it was what I wanted to be. That starry eyed little girl, the one with the painted face and tragic stare, grew up to become the anti-hero of a Greek mythos.

Truth is this for anyone who is an entrepreneur: The payoff is wonderful but the path is not for everyone. I am seriously tired of living out of a box or a backseat. And I am tired of being at the level of poverty. So I have taken my experiences and have started the process of changing them into leaps of faith. I am grateful for what I learned. And now I am ready to accept the rewards of the hard work we so diligently forged into place. All those traumas, experiences, and obstacles have created a life now of great reward. And I have had many. Some say I have been given the lion’s share of drama and sadness. But it is in these lessons, however painful they seemed at the time, that I have found my greatest gifts: thankfulness and compassion.

The Spiritual Journey and the Return of the Goddess

So this is where my story picks up: this was the end of the rebellion and start of this spiritual life that had been tickling the back of my neck for the last few years. The Higher Self won. The Spiritual path was there to lead me out of the fire. I am now the Dragon. As a spiritual leader of sorts, I have lead many and yet I find myself humbly removed from any kind of fame, power or glory for any of my work or achievements. In my career now, I stay behind the scenes for the most part in my quest to create entertainment—films, television, animations and even as a writer. Yes, on this last journey for six months, I did a little acting as well. I love being in front of a camera! And slowly all my dreams have been coming true.

Finally becoming the actress is not the happy ending of the tale. The roller coaster I am now experiencing has led to a new path that has fueled the fire I am finally getting off my chest, literally, before my lungs collapse. Yet, this fire I breathe is only painful when I don’t use it to purify my own way. I must be patient with this new Dragon. The Phoenix has died and risen in a new and improved form and I am not yet comfortable in these scales. I manifest what I desire. It is like a gift from the Universe that bears great responsibility yet produces great outcomes. I practiced using this fire when I returned to Colorado the last time, but I remained studious and learning in spite of the end of the last relationship. And in that time of awakening, I was ready to fly. That is where I was both spiritually and in my career when I met my Dragon reflection with whom I have traveled and returned to start the fire.

You see, maybe someday when one of my friends or family or children read this story, they will know that it was my conscious choice to change and allow the Universe to come in and intervene on my behalf. I did it for myself, for my children, for our future and our destiny. I was the prodigal, but also the prophet. I was given a new message and I had to create and grow in spite of those around me, not because of them. I still have to deal with my mistakes, the greatest one being that I gave up fighting for my two children because I had given up on myself. Now, however, I am thriving and I know that one day they will come back because they will want to know who I am and what had happened—the truth, not the contrived perception of reality they swallowed. I wish the best for them, and will welcome them with open and loving arms. But my path is set and my goal is to create the way for greater wisdom.

So you may ask, why the Spirituality? Why would a highly educated woman, raised in a conservative and evangelical environment, bound to study both Western medicine and American law, choose a life path so far in a different direction from where she started? Actually, I have found that all paths of higher learning lead to a Higher Consciousness. I have discovered that, in spite of all my experiences of community, of hatred, of passion and of piousness, the original belief I once held has actually been only a part of the larger picture of Oneness to which I subscribe. That being said, I am still the same person, just more enlightened and enhanced, but this is a subject for another story…

There are many ways to connect to the Universal Consciousness. Some use prayer, others use chanting, and often others verbalize their connection in writing or aloud in some way. Many use music or some connection to sound to enhance their connection and bring emotion into one’s Faith and Spirituality. I often listen to music to change my mood. I find strength in connecting with other Spiritual people. I am what we call a Highly Sensitive Person—I am an extrovert, but I feel the emotions and often connect to the thoughts of others. It is in this connection with others I find my greatest strengths, not in solitude or in isolation. Therefore, I have come full circle. My fear of being alone has actually dissipated and my longing to be with others has replaced that fear. I welcome the mirror of humanity.

My Spiritual journey, like Dorothy’s adventures in Oz, made me realize it was with me the whole time. I find solace and wisdom in all things higher minded. I crave chapter upon chapter of knowledge, everything from the Tao Te Ching to the Quran to the Zohar and the wisdom texts. I have learned from Solomon, Rumi, and Kahlil Gilbran. I laugh with Buddhist teachers and cry with the Shamans. I have soaked up texts from the Torah to the Greek and Roman tragedies. I find nuggets of wisdom in fairy tales and children’s stories and shamanic journeys. I have astral traveled and channeled higher beings. I have seen visions. And I have accepted my sensitivities and allow myself to be a beacon of light right here in the middle of humanity, rather than a lost and lonely star far off in some distant land. I love children and animals and discovering new places and creating a life of wonder. I keep myself open to the wisdom from those that have come before, my guides and my rainbow people—my ancestors. I have journeyed within, deep within oceans and high in the trees. I have danced the sacred dance. And I am still here. And I am forever grateful.