The Warming Fire of Protection: Dragons as Parents

As I watch my dragon child leave the cliffs for the first time, I am aware that she is constantly watching me watching her. Her fragile wings and graceful twists and turns are all part of her youth, both to be admired and protected as her guardian. I am constantly aware of my own fragile scales, but they are hardened with years of battle scars and raging fires. I know of the pain of losing my other children to dragon hunters who find us dragon parents to be too scary, too easily turned into a horrible creature rather than seen as compassionate and loving. And as I watch my little dragon do flips and breathe the fire of childhood and happiness, I am convinced once more of my role as teacher, travel guide and mother.

A few days ago, we watched a scene where a pair of sibling lions were separated from their parents and one of the siblings died. It was not only horrific for the brother lion in the story, but for me, it was even more horrific to watch my little dragon break down into sobbing tears over the loss of another creature. Her other-mommy dragon comforted her while I was playing guardian and even in the hours that followed, no comfort could console our little fire-breather. She understands the importance of the life/death/life cycle. She knows in her gigantic heart that we are all connected to the earth and all creatures and all elements are part of this cycle. But it is still that moment of pain that cracks through my thickened scales to watch our child cry that awakens my nurturing protection. I am humbled by the responsibility.

As the sun strikes high in the afternoon sky and we adventure through the cold winter skies of a latent Spring, I can feel my claws and wing tips become numb in the cold snowing winds of the mountains. But as we head back to our cave to gather warmth and prepare for sleep, my thoughts are not on my own discomfort but are on protecting, feeding and warming my child with the Fire of Protection. I may be a warrior and have a warrior family clan, but I am still first and foremost a Dragon Mother.

The Dragon Mother As Protector

Dragon parents are fierce. We have been wounded in battles over our lives, with our family, our children, or our social environments. Unlike socially complacent parents, we fight against the system that destroys loyalty and honor and that separates us from our Unconditional Source. We are bent on training our children to be independent, educated, higher-minded and to fight for what is right in society. And we are protective against those mobs of social bullying that push our little creatures into states of fight or flight because of society's shallow judgments and fear-based restrictions. We must create connections between all our warrior clans, protect the wounded Dragons that are beaten down by loss and kicked out of their social circles by judgments, and help each other thrive and heal the wounds of depression and hopelessness.

I have been a blessed mother. I have four children and dozens of adopted children. I have felt true Unconditional Love and the strength of protection as a mother and a teacher-guide for all of them at one point or another. I am closest to my oldest biological child, my truly fiery dragon, because she and I are first and foremost so much alike but also because we lived together the longest. I was able to be a strong influence on her independence and raise her to be a warrior as well. I know it was circumstantial: she would never had been able to be such a fighter if we didn't have to fight so hard to be together, to be independent and to stand up for what was right in spite of the family dynamics. The constant battlegrounds in court, with her father, with her extended family, and even between the two of us when life had become tragic and beyond difficult, were stages set for her training as she built her strong personal convictions into the fabric of her every day life. The best part is, she is as lethal as they come as a maturing dragon: beautiful, genius AND higher minded! I feel sorry for any man who tries to take advantage of her in any way...

I am also blessed, by the way, because as three Dragon parents, we have created a loving and nurturing environment for our youngest daughter (the one who cliff dives), balanced by love and untainted by jealousy or one-up-manship. This I am discovering is rare. And my two children who are living in a blended family don't have these examples of co-parenting because they are raised in an "Us V. Them" way. My entire biological family has actually been restricted from being a part of my two middle children's upbringing. They will thus have to decide as adults whether to heal those wounds within themselves. This has been their path to endure and my passion for their cause is smoldering and endless.

My son who is now at adulthood is becoming quite the fire-breather. He is learning to stretch his wings of compassion and testing the winds of young love. He is a strong, athletic creature with quite the brilliant mind. He is tall and handsome and outgoing. He knows he is learning to become an honorable man, but my goal is now to challenge him. He needs to be shown the intense passion for loyalty and given the Unconditional Love of true spiritual connection. He has had lessons of separation, disappointment and struggles among his blended family. But I am excited to introduce him to our littlest dragon and show him the dynamic that allows our warrior natures to be completed with selfless sacrifice. It is not enough to be a loving parent if one cannot be able to show your child they are the most important blessing on the planet. And in order to convey that lesson, a Dragon parent must understand that it is not ONE child above another but rather that ALL our children are greater than any gold or treasure on this earth. I am excited to show him this lesson!

My younger daughter who is a beautiful, charming and loving woman, even as a teenager, is the dragon child that needs my strongest attention to learn how to use her wings. She is content currently within her own structure, her sheltered environment and her minimal independence. But there will come a time when she is going to want to soar in her life. This requires a dragon parent strong enough to allow her the time to strengthen these wings and not be bombarded with fear and limitations. Leaving the nest as a young adult who has been constantly controlled in their allowance to grow can lead to 2 things: a limited sense of self that doesn't give the child enough tools to live independently or a sudden sense of freedom that brings about fear of the unknown or reckless abandon, both of which attract stronger and faster predators. Young adults who are "sheltered" are wounded from the start as adults if they cannot battle against greater enemies. It may seem to many reading that this is a "negative" prediction, but the truth is the REAL world is cruel and unforgiving and jealous and leads many innocents away by sabotage and dominant bullying. How can a sweet young child be protected from the big bad world of college, work, industry and corruption? They can't. The ONLY solution is to teach them wisdom and the dangers that lay ahead, pitfalls to avoid, and give them the training to fight oppression and control. These are tools of strengthening the Soul and they are not pretty--facing a wounded world takes courage and all Dragon parents need to be prepared to fight for their children.

Wounded Children--Spoiling, Separating, Denying and Attacking the Dragon Parent's Integrity

Many of my friends are great parents in conservative environments. Many of them have given their children what they had always wanted and often because of financial abundance, what is not truly necessary--luxury things like electronics and cars, vacations, private lessons, summer camps, the latest fashion items, you name it. But if the recipients are not grateful, are spoiled or are used to such gifts and use them to look down upon others, they don't have a perceived value on them. I am guilty of having done this. I got my oldest a cell phone under my contract three separate times with three separate companies. I didn't train her discipline with these gifts and her lack of perceived value extended my generosity into overuse of what I could afford.

Each time I lost my own phone contract as well because I couldn't afford to pay the extensive overages and lost the privilege because of these unrealistic 2-year contract deals. The last time was the hardest on me because I was so poor at the time, I could barely make the payments on both phones. She wouldn't help pay for the already committed contract, went and got her own phone and service, and then I lost my phone due to lack of money AND have an exorbitant bill now to pay for adding her additional phone line and breaking the contract after only a year. Thousands of dollars later, I am grateful I can only extend the privilege so far and have chosen to only handle my own service. I learned my lesson. But it has severely wounded my financial situation, and I haven't taught my daughter anything about responsibility in this case. But as a Dragon parent, I am solid now and will not give something to any of my children without it being for a good cause or a rational or imperative reason. My generosity is as great as the gold in my cave but it is more important to teach a great lesson in responsibility than to give abundantly.

As a single parent, this is a common theme. Living on the edge of poverty and complete ruin for several years, I am consciously aware of the difficulty most parents have in raising children alone. As a Dragon parent, however, I am a fighter and still have a strength of conviction that many parents would have lost a long time ago. And because of my strength and my passion to be as vocal and public about my life as possible, I frighten many of the enemies that attack in mob mentality style with pitchforks! In fact, I too lost my social "status" in society when I left my husband. Nobody cared about why I left. Nobody supported my cause not to die, but they grabbed there farm tools and chased me as far away as they could. These wounds are why I write and teach so many today.

For instance, it was really humorous the other day when my youngest dragonette (the one that lives with her father) sent me a picture of herself with Disney mouse ears from Florida this week and I received some weird text message that said "Why u put mom and kate on same message? You just gave her mom's phone number". Now mind you I am her mother, so I didn't understand who the message was for or about or why. I didn't recognize the number, but I am not used to being called by my name, so I responded to the text, "Who is this?" Suddenly I received a call from the daughter in Florida saying her father had called her and said I was HARASSING him! Oh my.

I was in a meeting at the time and burst into laughter. I thought I was going to cough up a fireball! I am apparently the big bad scary Dragon that is so intent on destroying someone's fantasy idea that I am "evil"...and even though my daughter did NOT actually forward me anyone's phone number (i.e. her step-mother), I wouldn't have given a care anyway, because I don't think twice about that person. Apparently the ex-husband has some sense of false importance in believing that I would "harass" him and his wife. Fear-based and irrational, but I see why. I am scary. I am strong and always have been. And truth is, I was wronged by them, in more ways than I have time to write about in this message. But I could only laugh, call my daughter and assure her I have no intention of "harassing" anyone, and my response to my ex was, "I am not harassing you (name of father). And have a good day. Namaste." Truth is, my life is so wonderful I wouldn't even care if they began their campaign to separate the children and I again...because I KNOW my children all now know the Truth and how much I truly love them Unconditionally.

Remember Shrek? I absolutely love how the writers allowed the big bad ogre to actually enjoy being scary! I am one of those parents. I am dangerous because of my scars--the more they throw their spears and stab with their pitchforks, the stronger I become. The more I am harassed by religion, false accusations, and judged, the greater my ability to be Unconditionally Loving and the stronger my resolve and the louder my voice. I know too many parents who have lost children in terrible battles like mine. But it is in these battles that a truly honorable and loving parent becomes the fire-breather and the protector.

After my last several relationship disasters (see previous blogs) I have also picked up other strengths as well, including legal knowledge, martial arts (I once took up kickboxing and now I am in beginning Tai Chi again with my wonderful partner!), and prolific publishing and writing. My Dragon-self resolves to be the best at everything I do for myself and as an example--I am in much better shape physically, I am healthy and strong and eat primarily raw foods or those we cook ourselves, I work and play hard, and I laugh abundantly. More importantly I have connected Wisdom, Spirituality and Compassion for those who have suffered from these bullying mobs of society. The analogy is so blatantly revived now in children's cinema--even in How To Train Your Dragon where the young protagonist had to defend his friendship with such a lethal creature, which caused the villagers to try and kill the offensive creatures. And we see the same theme in movies where people become afraid of the "monster" they have envisioned and feared. Truth is, with any wild creature, there should be an element of fear! My adorable and loving partner has the sense to know this of me, but he too can be a fighting Dragon parent, AND he has the skills to prove it.

In an online article I read about the "10 Step-Family Dragons" from the Step And Blended Family Institute (http://www.stepinstitute.ca/stepfamily_dragons.php) I of course immediately went to the section on division and badmouthing. My experience was thus as written: The Lack of Co-Parenting and Badmouthing Between Ex-Spouses: Few parents have a concrete co-parenting plan but desperately need one. Many indulge in bad-mouthing of the other parent. Badmouthing hurts the child deeply and the child’s self-esteem for life because one parent is saying the other half of the child is “bad”. The parent who is badmouthed does not know how to neutralize badmouthing. Often children are made to judge, and often choose, between their blood parents. Our society has no remedy for the consequences of this. Children grow up one-sided. And they are made to "choose" sides, which often leads to wounded and unprotected children attracting life lessons that will challenge their beliefs. Even though many of the estranged or ousted parents are not able to recover from the separation, the opposite occurs in Dragon parents. Thus it is truly important to create support among those parents who are wounded or find themselves unable to parent. It takes a village to raise a child, but it often breaks a village when the child is separated from his or her protector. And it is truly damaging to children when they are bullied into fear of any kind, but it is seriously the most damaging by the ones that are supposed to protect them.

Solutions to Dragon Parenting--Balancing the Elements

First and foremost, Dragon Parents, stop emotional blackmail. If you find yourself or another parent doing it, find out how to stop it. I was not always perfect, but I am continually focusing on what I CAN do now as a parent rather than what I CAN'T do. So instead of emotionally harboring anger (even if it is righteous!), I let my own life be an example of joy for my children!

Second, create your own loving and abundant cave of wonders. Why would your children want to leave the safety of the environment if your home is loving and giving? I am not talking about money. Even if you have it, why spend it on frivolous buy-offs? If your job or career or company is keeping you from raising your children properly, why are you doing it? Can there be another option? If you are constantly having to fight to pay a mortgage, car payment, credit card debts or other assorted bills, isn't this detracting your purpose from a healthy and balanced family life? And is your lifestyle robbing your joy from your partner/spouse as well? What steps can you do, even if it is one at a time, to remedy these life conditions that are taking away your vitality?

Third, let's talk about your Earth-physical self. This is truly important and I will explain. Parents who are buying into the current systems of health destruction (often referred to in the United States as Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Agro and Big Medicine) are MISSING major elements of healthy living that are depleting their families. First, we are a fast-food nation. If every strong parent learned to walk away from fast food, even if it is a majority of the time and not all of the time, you are doing greater than the rest of the country! 70 Percent of our nation right now is overweight!! So, parents who are willing to fight, you must make life changes that will adjust your thinking and change the training you are giving your children! What are you putting into your own body? What do you allow them to eat?? Are you eating foods with GMO's? Are you living off of processed foods? Can you find a way to cut down or get rid of something unhealthy, like video games and even cable TV, in order to put your food intake first and create healthier meals? Will you be strong enough to fight the generation of spoiled children and wrong messages by giving your kids the responsibility to cook, clean, do chores and be able to teach them independent living? If you don't know how to cook, learn!!!

Next, what activities are you showing your kids that you do? If you have to quit smoking, that should come first. Period. Nobody in their right mind in this country or anywhere on the planet should continue to smoke cigarettes. Next, are you going to the gym, walking to and from work, or doing at least 15-30 minutes worth of exercise a day? Or at least 3 times a week to prevent heart attacks or diseases? And do you get your children to do physical activities or are they stuck watching television? And what are you doing for your sanity? Do you have hobbies that are examples for your children? Do you make quality time for them or are you too self-absorbed? Do NOT give me any lip about being too busy, especially you single parents. I sacrificed so much of my time and attention for my children and gave up many of my own activities to spend time with them. I gave up buying things for myself to take them on vacations. I gave up single living and dating in times when I needed to put my kids first. Again, I wasn't perfect, but my fire to create the right home for them was blazing, even in my struggling when I was living an unhealthy lifestyle. They were able to see me transform and I am grateful! So start now.

So as your Earth-physical environment is being examined one step at a time, how is your Water-emotional environment? Are you truly happy? Are you thinking of your own emotional well-being and finding ways everyday to improve this part of you? Do you fight to heal your scars and wounds? Do you search to find meaning in your parenting, relationship and/or your self-improvement? Do you let other's opinions of you get you down?? Do you tell your little dragons you love them? Do you laugh and play? Do you budget your time so you can relax? What could you do everyday, one step at a time, to improve your emotional health?

If you are a couple, do you show your children a healthy relationship? Are you truly loving your partner Unconditionally? Do you have a healthy way of communicating with him or her (or them)? Do you talk positively to each other or cut each other down? Is the relationship fixable if it is wounded or do you continue to spit fire at each other which is showing such a negative example to your children? What can you do to be more loving and giving to your partner? Do you know the different love languages and do you use them with your family? Can you give up selfish desires to put your relationship ahead of frivolity, like drinking, hanging out with friends over your partner, or doing things that constantly cause a detrimental reaction from them? How is your Water-emotional tank being filled?

Are you spending time on your Air-Intellectual self? What can you read or watch or learn to be a better parent? What can you teach your children from your own passions? What can you do to allow your children independence and to learn to fly? What can you do to better your own education? What do you do with your time on the internet? What do you read? And what do you watch on TV or at the movies--are these things mindless entertainment or positive influences?

And what do you do for your Fire-spiritual side? This is self-explanatory and I will cover more in the next chapter. But meanwhile, are you loving others Unconditionally? And do you TREAT others as you want to be treated? Especially your family???

I know we are all well-meaning in some way, shape or form. We all strive to be better people, but why?? What is the point of a great career if your kids hate you? Seriously. What is the rationale behind dragging kids to do something you want them to do if you are not paying any attention to what they feel? How can you protect them from predators? Are you truly listening to your own heart when you make choices everyday as a parent? And how do you find the balance in soaring ahead of them in order to protect them and pushing them off a cliff to watch them fly? When do you need to give them a strong life lesson in order to keep them from getting attacked? And when do you need to breathe the fire of protection to keep them safe and warm? Ask yourself: How are you as a Dragon Parent?

Chapter 5--Love's Labour Lost--Conditional V. Unconditional Love

Several years ago, as I was starting my book to my children, I stumbled upon a pattern in humanity that created a movement in my own life and those lives around me. This pattern has been threaded throughout everything I do and is a byproduct of Unconditional Love. I know that sounds really ODD to many (especially my children and those in my life who have learned that love is Conditional), but it is actually a truth that has become stronger and more quantifiable as I explore its possibilities.

See, it is within the LOVE that is LOST and FOUND that I continue to stand by what I have discovered and see the changes in those around me when I truly live in a state of Unconditional Love. It is going to be a Quantum Leap of faith and may alter your thought process if you are not familiar with living every moment in Love, but I guarantee that if you make an attempt to do it daily, you will start seeing it from the point of view of the Collective Consciousness, then you will seriously find your own life changing, progressing quickly, advancing in wisdom, and suddenly you will find yourself in a state of bliss like no other.

Once again, in my writing I remind you that loving everyone does NOT mean giving in, placating, becoming passive or a "doormat", or any allowance of anyone in your life to take advantage of you. Boundaries are by far the greatest expression of Love--if you love yourself enough to set a boundary, then the others in your life either show true love and respect it, or they will be a part of what I call the Love Labour Lost Pool...

My greatest blessing, however, is that I have been given the energy from my Divinity to heal many of these broken relationships, and most recently I have been blessed with the reunion in communication with my two children who did not grow up with me--Christopher and Jacquelyn. I can say that in spite of all the fear-based propaganda and separation, they have made the choice to be loving and take our relationship together to a higher level. I am grateful for both of my children, my oldest child Virginia whom I have been blessed to be with and continue our relationship continuously, and the newest members of my family--my better half, Mark, my best friend Amber, and their daughter Consciense...now we are a completed family! And I attribute it all to taking the higher path of Unconditional Love.

Love Everyone Because We Are All Part of the Creation!

In my fourth chapter on Love, I discussed digging deep into agape and philia, the ideologies/definitions of Love being for friendship and relationships. These are based on our unions formed with each Soul Mate as we are connected to the Divine and partner with the Collective Consciousness. This means that it is because we are connected to a Creator/Divine Source that allows all of Creation to connect together (outside time and space. This means that everyone and everything we encounter is part of our Divine connection). So it leads to the conclusion that we are all ONE in unity, those that have come before, those that will be here or with us in whatever capacity and however it looks to our own reality.

Now, my children and friends, this is a strange realization. Can you fathom loving everyone? Seriously--aren't there people in your life whom you can never see yourself loving? Even I have those people in my life, so don't think I have all the answers to the Divine plan! That is definitely where my humanity comes in too! But I will discuss separation from the Divine shortly. Meanwhile, take a moment to think of how your world would look if everyone loved one another!

Let's create this world of Perfect Love--what does it look like to you? Unrealistic huh? But let's just say our souls suddenly decided to live in harmony and everyone suddenly began practicing altruism--the act of completely giving selflessly. It would mean that social conventions would change drastically. For instance, MONEY would become obsolete. Everyone would give to one another what they need. MATERIAL EXCESS would also be unnecessary--why do you really need that expensive electronic anyway? VIOLENT IMAGERY would diminish--because the real world would eliminate violence, so would our images of the world through movies, video games and the internet. And LIFE would be valued, thus WAR and RELIGIOUS SEPARATISM and KILLING would diminish. Then what if we added true compassion for one another? We would see an end to EXTREME POVERTY, SERFDOM, CLASS DOMINANCE, and so forth. Again, this makes a great novel, but it is NOT currently a path of reality on this planet at this time.

Love always counterbalances with Fear. This is the realistic picture. And it has been inevitable and impossible to escape in the current way our Spirits play out our connections in this Universe. See, as I have learned, it may be that we have to experience negatives in order to appreciate positives. Again, we go back to the Yin and Yang of life. But I have seen the pattern change.... This sounds absurd to those who haven't been where we are yet, but it does change! Let me further investigate this possibility.

So if we are all created from the same Source, we are all part of the same fabric of the Universe, we are all infused with energy and that energy can either be a reflection of Love or Fear, which are emitted like vibrations throughout our being. Have you ever had that feeling that you know what someone is thinking just based on a feeling of them, not on anything they say or do? We alter our vibrations when we choose to focus on a certain frequency, which attracts others with the same vibration--those that choose the path of Love spend their days looking at their life and their surroundings, their family and friends, from the lenses of a Greater Power that is Unconditional. Like a scale tipped into a stronger direction, this kind of life is blessed, abundant and the doors open for more wisdom and peace than you can ever imagine. On the other side, many still choose the path of Fear to run their lives. This manifests, as mentioned in previous chapters, as prejudice, separatism, an imbalance of seeing others as inferior, and eventually it could lead to Hate. Supporting fear, worry and ideologies that are based in negative learned experiences or behaviors is what has created racism, religious oppression, and has spawned greater patterns like violence on television and the news, desensitizing our lives to the mire that we have created as a species.

This all leads back to WHERE do you put your energy?? Do you truly desire to start your path to loving everyone or do you want to give in to the current fear-based propaganda and sensational media that allows us to remain in a lower energy state of conflict?

Pushing Out the Fear and Centering in the Love

In my own life I have been faced with very specific fear-based challenges. I will quickly go through them, since many of my other writings go into detail about the challenges, changes and Soul Mates I have encountered that challenged who I AM and what I stood for in this lifetime. Specifically, I have defining moments that have brought about significant change and I have decided to live my life in Unconditional Love because of these challenges. As I experienced each threshold, feeling burned by each painful lesson, I had a choice that was proposed to me each time: live in resentment, anger and hate (all part of Fear) or move on and live in Love.

Fear manifests in many ways. Let me start with this, because it is not just about the relationships that have been a major factor in my life changing so drastically, but also the other manifestations of fear that have created an imbalance in my own Universe. If I start with my childhood, many of you can relate and can see how I chose the paths I did. And this too, as a loving memoir for my children, will also give them and all my "other children" the opportunity to find out more about who I AM as a whole. And as I always said, I am an open book. I asked for this lifestyle. I asked to be challenged. And ultimately, I asked to be a teacher and leader in this New Era of Enlightenment.

My parents were young--18 and 19--when I was born. I know there aren't any "manuals" on parenting, but in my knowledge of the world now, I am well aware that they were sorely unprepared for child rearing. My father and I are rather close now as I have said many times in my writings, but my mother made another choice in her life--to be angry and miserable and live her entire life in fear, jealousy and pain. Forgiveness was not very often expressed to us as children, and as the oldest of five siblings, I was often the brunt of my mother's anger. This by the way is an observation...I have no anger or resentment against my mother. I learned to see both sides of her--the loving and creative side and the angry and controlling side. I chose to take from that relationship a great number of gifts that I have in my own life today, such as my love for music, singing, cooking and throwing awesome children's birthdays.

What I learned from my mother is that her love was Conditional. She could not grasp the concept of how to overcome her anger toward her life, her family, her father and sister, and what she was lacking in her own journey. I had a similar revelation in high school--so many I met were one or the other, Conditional or Unconditional in their approach to love. I grew up in a Christian-based society where I met many leaders in the community that were actually genuine examples of Unconditional Love and some were shining examples of faith-based superiority and separatism. I observed friends from high school who were kind and yet had emotional stagnation within their own families. I also observed friends who had felt or shown some kind of superiority because of money, parental issues, or status of some sort. And yet I tended to befriend and remain friends with those like myself who had a sense of loyalty, togetherness and friendship. I swore I would live my life as my greatest examples had shown me, Love is Truly Source and Truly Unconditional. This was the lesson I learned from the great Masters in my life--Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, and Mother Theresa. So I made a choice to live as an example of Unconditional Love, but that did not last very long.

College was a different story altogether. Everything seemed conditional. I put those limitations on my experiences there. For instance, I had a lot of male friends and suitors, but I never allowed them to flourish into anything solid. I was determined to finish my degree no matter what so I always kept men at arm's length. I decided not to marry a couple of them. I ended up attracting men who were also non-committal and not faithful. I didn't see a need for monogamy OR love. But in the end, I did feel love at least in a Conditional sense. Life was moving forward, I was learning how to create a distance from people but at the same time I was learning the depths of love in literature, in watching others around me, and found a great limitation in relationships that were created in college...I felt lonely after the years of closing off to the Unconditional possibility.

I also had a major life dichotomy in my career and then in my marriage at the age of 22. I had to choose the very conditional lifestyle of a doctor and continue pushing to graduate and go to medical school, or on the other hand to settle into a relationship that was permanent and seek unconditional partnership. I chose to get married. I missed out in one way of a lifetime of stability, focus, money and doing something good for society and for myself. But I was blessed with the amazing satisfaction of being a mother. Since all three children were born by the age of 27, and because my marriage fell apart at 30 years old, I was able at that point to definitely recognize a love that was not going to be giving, not going to put my needs above his own, and not able to truly grasp the Source of Unconditional Love, and the kind of love I would then spend the next 14 years seeking to find. Everything in the worlds of those around me at that point revolved around money or social status--my ex, his family, my bosses, my friends, and my own family--and many of them used a false belief system to ostracize and cut out anyone that didn't believe in their system, including the imposed ideology that I was demanded to subject myself unconditionally but receive no reward in return.

This leads to the divorce. I was subjected to a variety of fear-based emotions to counteract with my own self-loathing and fear, which came out as I made a decision that shattered my faith in humanity. I was faced with betrayal. I experienced this from my sister, my ex-husband, my ex-in-laws and my mother, all of whom "judged" and put a condition on me because I chose to leave my marriage. But their actions ultimately led to a karmic path of deception. These betrayals included a series of lies about my character, which led to a nasty custody battle which still continues. And they led to the ultimate downfall of my faith in my belief system as well. If these people could be so hateful for my choice to leave, and then commit acts of hatred, then how could they be portraying an honorable ideology of the Creator? Then I gave up hope, experienced that journey into the abyss, fell into a much-deserved depression, and spent five years in a state of anger against those who were allowed to cause these betrayals. But THIS too is an illusion! See, they were and are just incapable of understanding Unconditional Love. They acted out of their own self-denial. Their character portrayals were destroyed in my eyes. And I too became conditional--the ONE thing I swore would never happen.

Then there were the years of confusion. Why did I continue to attract Conditional Love? Why did I find myself incapable of attracting someone with these ideologies? Why did I have such Unconditional Love from my children but such hatred from those around me? My ex-husband and his family were hateful and spiteful in their actions, spending every dime in court but not even lifting a finger to help me get back on my feet for my children's sake. They continued to take more and more money. My boyfriend during those years was hateful and angry and violent but wouldn't leave me. My kids were struggling and watched me go through so much pain. My daughter who lived with me was suddenly taken from me a second time and I was devastated and the wounds reopened. By this time I fought back. I fought against the system and started publishing papers on the corrupt court system and inability for justice to see abuse when it is right in front of them. Like the human condition, separated and disjointed, the Family Law courts were specifically riddled with injustices and betrayals and abuses, caused by the anger fed into it and the attorneys who promoted separation and discredit those of us that were fighting for truth. In fact, if there ever was a creature of destruction, its name is Family Law Court. I became vocal locally and nationally and the court and the ex's family fought back harder.

I hit a breaking point, which everyone who must find a better path eventually does. After I finally took a break for my sanity and went to study for my last semester in college at University of Alicante in Spain, I walked away from all the projected anger and judgement. I chose to have a solitary but meaningful life. This started while I was in Spain because it was such a tranquil place to live and I was right on the ocean. But I found that my break turned into a momentary stop. And the ability to be alone was superseded by a strong, sudden attraction to a Spaniard. I eloped with him in Spain, then officially back in the U.S., and we moved to Aspen, Colorado. He was a wonderful man but on the path of self-awareness, yet not ready for an altruistic companionship. He left after we were married four months. I was able to get over it quickly because our time together was so short, but he again showed me a Conditional love. This then became the Opposing Pattern: Conditional Relationships were showing me what was NOT the right path.

So I realized that the second, unrealistic marriage was built on conditions as well and I filed for an annulment. By this time, as you probably guessed, I was still living Unconditionally for my children but not able to live this way in a relationship. I continued to repeat this lesson over and over until about three years ago. Meanwhile, I learned that my ability to make a home and settle somewhere became conditional as well. My ability to work at a job that was what I was worth was conditional and all but impossible to find. I can't practice in my academic profession because the field of Anthropology demands a higher degree than what is possible for me to have attained at that time. And my relationships with friends were conditional. I didn't have any support from family or otherwise, except for my sister Jane, who has always been my sounding board and my rock. But she too was feeling the conditional love that always makes us wanting for more, never satisfied in our lives.

Sudden Awakening and the Awareness of my Limitations

Now showing how my life changed from Conditional in childhood, Unconditional in my faith, to a loss of faith and an implementation once more of the Conditional. This was all part of the contrast to my learning process. I had to lose my belief in humanity to be capable of Unconditional Love! This way I could prove it to myself by attempting to see if it is actually possible! And guess what? It was!

I decided to begin to live my life and connection to the Universe as the element of Unconditional Love in my life. It took a few more years of failed jobs and failed relationships and I became a failure to myself as I fell into a cold state of conditional love mirrored by the use of alcohol and drugs to distance myself further from pain and anger. I spent three years in this state of brokenness, then attracted the worst kind of relationships that I could have imagined--the physically abusive ones. I had some of this experience with my boyfriend after marriage. But it was during my period of awakening that my strongest attraction became someone who was so self-loathing that his anger was always taken out on me. He was my total opposite and my chance to learn to vibrate either for or against my own true happiness. I had no choice: I HAD to see that side of me or I would never be whole and face the truth of my existence!

After 2008, I ran as fast as I could from this relationship but I ended up attracting men constantly who wanted to control me! I was still continuing the pattern and I had to discover why. And this Soul Mate remained in my life for another 2 years! It was the most difficult in Miami and the year afterward because I was separated from this hateful boyfriend, but still unable to give up the acts of separation that became habits in my life with him (alcohol and drugs). And he refused to let me go, which turned into an obsession to control me. This lesson taught me to fight for my independence but also to find another way out--to vibrate differently. By this time, I was further separated from my two youngest children who have been forbidden to contact me for 4 years. This was the ex's ultimate hate, but it is going to be no match to the power of Unconditional Love!

I had an awakening. I started studying the works of Thich Nhat Hanh. Then I couldn't get enough! I couldn't stop learning, reading, understanding how the Universe works! I took a job in Miami with a metaphysical store and began classwork on the different methods of meditation and focusing on the Collective Consciousness. I also read amazing works from great teachers that changed my life (Dr. John DeMartini, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Carolyn Myss and the masters the Dalai Lama, Yogananda and Kahlil Gilbran, all changed my thinking!). I learned quickly about manifestation and focusing one's vibration, changing one's energy in order to attract greater outcomes on one's path. And it began to work! I was shown how to run a youth program for Indigo children. I was given the plans for structuring a society that is self-sustaining in Unconditional Love. And this was just the beginning!

After the death of my ex-boyfriend in 2011, I realized that there is a definite chasm between Conditional and Unconditional love. I felt the pain of loss but the relief of freedom. I will always love him because I AM made from love. But in the end taking his own life showed me he could never love me back in the same way. Shortly after his death, I also found myself in a similar relationship for another year before discovering that my love could be tested once more! And that is when I realized that I could only love Unconditionally and would always do so...I have nothing but love for those that have been Soul Mates to me in this life! He left angry and bitter, but that is because his love for me was starkly Conditional--in fact so obviously so that it was the most difficult to leave. He was so lost, I felt so much love and compassion for him, especially after his mother's death last year. But this too showed me how incapable the World can be to Unconditional Love! He has taken a stance of anger and remorse, denial and hatred instead of Unconditional Love. BUT remember that time after my divorce that I felt so much betrayal? This is where he is, and you know what? I don't blame him--in fact, I embrace him and feel for his loss and pain, which makes me all the more grateful for being able to Unconditionally Love him and his family! Not everyone understands my love for the world, but it doesn't mean I don't love them. I always will love Unconditionally now that I see from a different lens.

So this leads to my next story, which will be how I opened up to Unconditional Love and how I find it to engage me in processing through ALL the pain, from this lifetime and way back into many others, and transform it into pure energy through connection with the Divine. As my engineering daughter Virginia would say: Unconditional Love = Connection with the Source of All Energy! Or as I have read in the very Bible subscribed by the faith to once I subscribed: "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (Proverbs 10:12). Quoting from Kalhil Gilbran from his work, The Prophet, Love is truly an experience:

"Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

Therefore, I have embraced and found my Center in Unconditional Love. This cannot be taken from me, nor can it be reversed. Suddenly we find ourselves passing a threshold...there comes a point when the practice of Unconditional Love covers all and we look at all of humanity through the lens of Pure Love. So suddenly this too is what I am attracting in my life. I am excited to share it with all of you!

I Am Made of Precious Scales - The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin

This is going to be the next part of the book I have started. Any feedback or interest in the writing, please let me know.

One of the elements of passion I will begin to explore more in this journey is that of humor. After all I experiences of Tragedy, I find myself drawn more and more to humor, to Life’s Comedy, and this is reflected daily by my partner. He has a great voice for his cartoons and often he can mimic famous actors or movies in jest during conversation. As I chose the title for this segment, of course, I can hear his voice laughingly doing Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” as he says, “The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin” in his creepiest voice. So I put the lotion in the basket…and we go back to the story after a fit of laughter.

The burning in my lungs when I began this reflection took a long time to heal but finally subsided. The virus or whatever it was that slowed down my momentum is no longer hindering me. Now it is just blazing hot and I am in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record—we have been burned in Florida, stifled in Chicago and now overheated and lethargic in Denver. The return to the Foothills of Colorado was not a cool and calm welcoming to me like my past returns. We are blazing hot! My partner and I have had some crazy ups and downs while we were on the road, but now it is time to take what we have found on our adventure and bring it home. Our Journey together is not over, it is just beginning to take root.

The flight of this Dragon has been a powerful force, not just in me, but in the reflection of the man with whom I have found friendship and affection. It is funny. I gave up looking for a partner and he appeared right when I needed him. This is by no means a fairy tale ending. The seven months we have been travelling has brought the two of us together but it has by no means created the powerful production company our earthly partnership had intended to manifest---not at the moment, not yet of course.

The wounded Dragon has come out of her cave. She saw her reflection in the pool of water before her and she was frightened. She knew that in spite of his appearance, and that it was just as fierce as hers, she was not ready to look into the face of the Mirror. She soared high, gathered speed, shrieked loudly, and perched atop a high mountain where she shed her skin. She was growing in strength but it was only the first part of her growth. And when she returned to the pool to look again, she realized that in her own reflection, she caught his eyes as well and they both had grown.

This is truly how I have pictured my last two years of rapid change. I am finding my voice again. And have found my fire. This is where, once I finally realized where we had been, that upon looking back at our friendship, our joining forces, and our travels, there were really two trails of smoke behind us the whole time. We have grown together. And in spite of the pains, I am grateful he truly was there with me.

I began this path of growth and rebirth when I moved away from Colorado, but I have returned so many times because this is where I am drawn. About three years ago, when I was living in Miami, I thought that once I was geographically free from the torrid relationship I had left, I would find the “one true love” of my life. (I will describe the meaning of the relationship in subsequent chapters—after all, he too was one of my soul mates. Thus the quest to solve why I am here began). But finding my partner didn’t happen. I was sorely disappointed. I had opened many psychic channels which gave me the knowledge of the destruction around me but also gave me the hope of a partner to come along and join me. I have felt alone so many times. I remember often walking around South Beach or even riding the buses in Denver or the Loop in Chicago and I would stare aimlessly upward and beg for an explanation: had I become so tough from my life lessons, so removed from the possibility of a gentle relationship to break through these hard scales I had been given?

Around the same time, I met an executive producer in Colorado who helped to pull me out of the ashes after I left the destruction of my broken dreams behind. He gave me a purpose and I learned everything I could about the entertainment industry, specifically about how to produce a feature film. I have been on stage for years. I picked up acting after the divorce again, playing a lead role in a major performance that set my soul on fire again. I auditioned for many additional roles and felt the stings of many rejections. But I have found a path in film from which I have found comfort in my age and my appearance. Yet it was behind the scenes, dreaming and setting goals to create these beautiful entities called films, that I have found a higher level of passion. I am grateful for his part in igniting this fire in me.

Playing with the big dogs of feature filmmaking is not a walk in the park. You can’t pee on a few trees and expect to find the miracle in such a safe and landscaped environment. Yes, anyone can pick up a camera these days and make and independent film. But it is in the details of producing that the real magic happens. So I set out to learn everything and be the best top dog I could be.

The miracle didn't happened. Nor did the money. Nor did any of the films I worked so diligently to peddle for over a year. And the executive producer moved on to another female intern and refused to pay me what I was worth. So I left to start my own ventures. I then partnered with a new and exciting filmmaker and close friend in Chicago. We started the dreaming process again after we had a separation—the relationship of course got in the way of progress. The renewal happened about the time I had returned to Colorado for the last time from Miami, and when my world fell apart, I hung up that hat for a long while. So I didn’t work for the executive producer any longer and the partnership with the filmmaker too had dissipated in time. I was not ready.

After a year growing and working in the Spiritual community, I built a solid foundation of friends and networks for a youth program for other sensitive and psychic kids. My gifts at that point had been new, like the growing Phoenix I had become. So, I figured, we could all grow together. This was my blessing in disguise when the one I left years before suddenly took his own life. It was my community that held me and cried with me and was there for me. My sister in Texas was empathetic and for most of our lives, we have strengthened each other and I commiserated with her on many occasions. She knew all about my life. And she and I both share that Highly Sensitive personality. Thus we also share that propensity to choose destructive relationships as well as that conflict we call addiction. So many of us exist on this planet—the downtrodden and the lost and the single mothers who have had to fight to survive, especially for some reason in this supposed-modern day and age of reason in the U.S.A. The system never fails to hold down those who try to crawl out of the hole. So I figured, why not build a ladder and we can all crawl out together?

This ladder, or ascending path, is both the Spiritual one and also the career path that I am creating. How I see it is this: when the visions of our dreams succeed, both in reality and financially, I will be able to bring alongside those that we choose to honor for their part in our lives….actors, producers, writers, creators of all sorts. And we can create these visions together. So sure enough, my sister and I have joined forces to write out stories before and we will continue to do so. This is what sparked me to write in the first place, and our first screenplay together is still going to be our best story.

My filmmaker friend in Chicago has also had the Vision. She too has had the rough experiences of divorce, betrayal, raising teenagers and fighting against the odds to create solid films that will become legends. The filmmaker has succeeded where many have failed. Her vision is strong and that is why we went to Chicago as part of our recent journey, to join forces and create together. Businesses don’t happen overnight, and we helped to start the foundation for what she is building, but our company and our vision is to plant roots in both the Spiritual community and in the movie industry right here in our home territory. And we plan to combine the two.

So there are paths to show all sorts of enlightened ideals through film, television and media. We have the anarchy of the internet—that is enough to get out messages, one viral stroke of luck at a time. And it works. But this method doesn’t work for everyone. Fortunately, we all have a niche we are trying to fill so we will find like-minded souls to help us with our journeys. For instance, my filmmaker friend is American Latino, so her entertainment preferences and filmmaking choices will revolve around creating quality and celebratory pieces for her market. My partner and I have a mutual love for science fiction and fantasy (you would never guess with all the Dragon references, would you?), so our goals are aligned together with many other partnering filmmakers, writers, producers and artists. We have several of our productions set to be animated, because that’s what we desire to see immortalized and on the big screen.

My scales have grown strong and they are shiny. I am blessed. Many only look at their scars as hideous flaws or monstrous outgrowths of fear. Often growing a tail or horns is considered abnormal for a dragon. But if one thinks they are a beast of a different sort, of course that makes sense. It’s not all fluffy unicorns and angel wings that grow out of strength and courage. And not all fire-breathers understand their gifts either. Many forget what they have endured and jump right into the same fire over and over again. I am guilty of that myself obviously—I am an expert at repeat mistakes. But it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate my scales, my scars, my tail, my claws and my fire.

In the same way, not all filmmakers have to have a happy-ever-after ending and not all good guys get the girl and save the day. Not all producers have to use blood and gore and zombies either, but heck if that isn’t the most popular genre of our time right now. If I could rationalize zombies becoming enlightened then maybe I could fit in to that trend. Meanwhile, I will stick to what I know, allegories and Dragons and fantasy. So creating visual fireworks with a camera, a green screen and CGI is real to me and my world. I would love to share my prolific world with others. And I am doing so one step at a time. My partner and I are writing and creating fantastical tales and sharing our vision. And we have agreed to keep going until someone sees our vision and helps us run with it (with or without zombies). So our tenacity will feed our hunger and we will shed our scales to grow greater and stronger with each experience.

My partner and I have had many firsts together on this trip. For the sake of our fans, present and future, and for the edification of our children, I will have to delineate these adventures thoroughly in blogs (chapters) to come. Since this series of writings comes from my heart and my perspective, I will do my best to fairly portray both sides of each story as much as possible. That being said, remember, I am not easy to get along with as a partner, wife or whatever I am called to those who are with me. And my stubbornness to be independent has been the death of many relationships before, so it was a Fool’s leap to get into a small vehicle and drive from Colorado to Texas to Louisiana to Florida and then up to Illinois only to find ourselves on our way back to Colorado. And as I mentioned, all this travelling took place in the last seven months.

So we will tell you of our experiences, our revelations and our voluminous collection of stories. But many you will have to wait and see on film. Meanwhile, as we are writing and producing our films, I will reflect on these lessons while elaborating on our newest adventures as well.

Now the Dragon is ready to take flight! She spreads out her enormous wings and cries joyfully as she dives from the rocky cliff where her fears were left behind. She knows she is her own being, her own reflection, but she seeks out the others just the same. The strength is not in her solitude but in collecting her family around her. As she soars above the dry and wasted land that once was lush and cool and green, she is saddened by the destruction. There were many fires, many souls lost, too many dreams dashed upon those rocks. Many have tried to blame the fires and the destruction on her and her kind. But every being is responsible for his or her own path and choices. Her flight is short—she must land to strengthen her wings before continuing. When she finds her own inner strength and her own power, she too can join in the healing of the land. She realizes, as she descends into the valley, that this is why she is here.