Facing the Crone of Wisdom: The Choice to Journey Into Darkness

”Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” – Marie Curie

”Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.” – Paulo Coelho

”People living deeply have no fear of death.” – Anais Nin

Middle Age and the Realization of Mortality

I am writing this piece because I am personally experiencing the great challenges often faced by women my age and in my position: the great loss of motherhood through menopause and the drive to seek out Wisdom and leave behind a Legacy. These experiences are all connected. This is also true for both men and women, specifically in our society and time in history for individuals over 40 years of age. As we get older and face our own mortality, we seek answers to inevitable questions involving the underlying feeling of urgency that we must “accomplish” something in our lifetime. Many of us have already sought to do something that will be worthy of remembrance, myself included. And as we find our answers, we reveal more questions. Why are we so inclined to be enlightened? Were we created this way? How does the mind suddenly open to the concepts of mortality and spirituality? And why do we seek wisdom?

Our country is specifically, still predominantly and historically influenced by Christianity, but we have acknowledged and accepted our roots in Native American cultures and the shamanic spirituality that planted its roots here long before the Christians arrived. And we have assimilated our brothers and sisters of all major religions who have arrived at our shores and passed their wisdoms down for generations. With this understanding and with my personal journey as an anthropologist and connoisseur of world religions and wisdom texts, I am prone more than others to self-analyze and actualize a study of what I am experiencing and how it relates to others on my journey, both in this life and in all of human history. I suppose this is my legacy. Besides my roles as a mother, teacher, friend, healer and leader, I also seek to be remembered for my ability to transform these concepts and ideologies into written words. It’s like the play within a play—I thrive off the knowledge that this story has been told for thousands of years in different forms and manifests through me to join in community with those that have sought wisdom in its many forms before me. I feel comforted by the transformation.

The Confrontation of the Ego: The Crone Archetype and Internal Transformation

One of the greatest, most frightening fairy tales in human history is the birthplace of all evil witch stories: the tale of Baba Yaga, the Crone of Russian mythology. It may be a particular bias of mine, but if you take apart the roots of the tale, the origins of which descend from many different chrone stories, they all contain the same concepts. Baba Yaga was described as an ancient woman, goddess of the Underworld, with silver and black hair wild and overgrown, pale and green skin, often described as large in body and stature with skinny legs, a long hooked nose, burning eyes and the stench of death permeating from her mouth full of rotten teeth. She flies home in a mortar and pestle with her birch broom at her side. She has three horseman who serve her, the White Horseman (day), the Red Horseman (sun), and the Black Horseman (night), all of whom ride in and out of her yard. Her home is deep in the dark forest. Her house spins on chicken legs. And her yard is outlined by a fence of human bones with the skulls atop that light at night with the fire of judgment. Baba Yaga is scary. She threatens to eat those who confront her if they do not face the tasks she assigns. But is it fear of life that causes heroes and heroines to accomplish these impossible feats? In every tale she appears, the protagonist acts out a conundrum, but do we interpret this as being afraid of the Goddess or an act of courage? Ask yourself, do you live your life in fear of eternal punishment or do we seek to make a better world for a more noble higher purpose?

Baba Yaga means and represents “Old Crone.” There are similar characters throughout world mythologies that have the same appearances and traits. The representation of the Female in different cultures is represented by Youth (the Maiden), Motherhood (the Mother) and Menopause (the Crone). In all myths, the Crone represents the Underworld, not the life after death concept of hell, but the internal journey. Facing the Crone means going deep into the Abyss of the Darkness. And each world myth represents facing the Ancient, the Evil, the fear of Death: it becomes the confrontation of our own mortality but wakes us up to reality. Why would we attempt a feat that cannot be done unless we are truly powerful enough to accomplish it? That is like asking a cancer patient why they want to live—thus those who read what I write must know one thing: unless you have faced the Goddess of Transformation, you may not have a clue to that which I am referring.

Is Baba Yaga not frightening enough? Let’s go back even further, to one of the first of the Ancient Goddesses. In the earliest recordings of mythology, the Vedic/Hindu tradition, there is the goddess Kali, whose name translates as "black", or "death", and represents empowerment, or Shakti. Kali is the consort but also the conqueror of Lord Shiva, the judge of the world that leads those into the Underworld. In many representations, she is standing over him, atop his chest. She represents facing the fear of life after death, a judge of hearts much like Anubis in the Ancient Egyptian pantheon, in order to gain wisdom. She is depicted as black or dark blue in color, a warrior with a scythe and a necklace of human or demon heads around her neck. But she does not represent our physical Death per se, but Transformation. Her image is depicted as mostly naked and wild and powerful. She is the Universal Darkness. She is shown as the incarnation of Durga after battle that faces that part within us of defeating those demons we hold so close to our hearts. We misunderstand facing our fear as loss of life, but it is really loss of the body, transformation of the Ego. We are removing the obstacle of human frailty. We become a source of wisdom once we face these demons. But the Ego battle comes with a price and left behind is bloodshed.

Other goddesses of wisdom include Athena (Roman), Sophia (Gnostic), Inanna (Greek), Isis (Egyptian), Ishtar (Sumerian) and Lilith (Assyrian). They vary in aspects, cover many thousands of years of human mythology, but all show us the transformation of the female from the Mother to the Crone through battle or judgment. It is interesting that, in general, we see war as an act of the masculine, but it is very clear that the Chrone is the warrior version of the feminine. I am not implying that men do not have demons to slay that often end up in death and destruction, but this is again not a physical death, but a spiritual one. And for humanity to evolve, many must seek this transformation in their own feminine psyche, no matter what gender we were born to in this Universe.

I am also not implying that everyone has the privilege of facing the Crone. A major part of our society does not acknowledge the death of the Ego. In fact, the opposite of wisdom is narcissism, and this leads to a sickness that permeates our culture: the ideology that we are the “savior” of our own little world. This leads to controlling of others, prejudice, class differences, religious hatred and the idea of superiority, and eventually to the justification of the mob mentality of righteous killing so highly praised in concepts such as government, military, corporate monopolies and in the conquest of power. Do we believe our God allows us to kill in His name? (Yes, this is a direct shot at the major world religions who see god as masculine, superior and justify nationalism and sovereignty as permission to destroy other human beings). The concept of the Crone Goddess is in direct conflict with these beliefs. Yet she does not “claim” to be God or superior or any such thing. In fact, she is not even a God but an archetype. The Vedics knew this. Now we can face her together as a part of all that is within us if you are ready.

Gaining Wisdom Through Power: The Antithesis of Transformation and the Preservation of the Ego

Can you still seek Wisdom after war? Yes but not in the way we think traditionally. The story of Solomon in Judaic culture has its roots in the concept that he was a warrior in battle but he sought Wisdom. Interesting, in the Occult, there is a school of thought that Solomon actually created a system of communicating with archangels and suppressing demons through the use of sigils, or drawings that are used to hold the power of these entities. (These writings are known as the Greater Keys and Lesser Keys of Solomon). Is power therefore the ultimate goal? Did Solomon allow these texts to be spread throughout his Kingdom? Or wasn’t this a secret societal knowledge that was reserved for the elite? There is also a legend that these texts were sought by and protected by the Knight’s Templar during the Holy Wars. Throughout history, known by legend, many leaders were thought to have secretly used these “keys” as a way to gain power and access control over nations, including Hitler, who was known to be obsessed with the Occult. But this type of knowledge, though fascinating, misses the point that gaining Wisdom is not accomplished by seeking power over others, but seeking power over our Egos, finding transformation within. So the antithesis of what Solomon sought was the manifestation of a system of belief that uses the control of powerful energies. While many seek to gain power, the balance of these earthly and temporary conditions cannot be taken with us. All true power in our world goes to the grave with the seeker. And the result is death just the same.

Let’s connect the dots. So, in mythologies, Wisdom stories, spread throughout the nations for many centuries, facing the Goddess (or Crone archetype) of Transformation leads to death of Ego and revelation of Wisdom. Yet taking the Wisdom of Solomon using the “keys” to unlock the control over powerful outside forces (one can equate and physically manifest the “power” behind archangel positive and demonic negative energies according to this ideology), develops a hierarchy of superiority and control over our external, worldly and temporary environments. Thus we feed the Ego rather than deconstruct it. This is one example of many that interprets "Wisdom" and "Power" together.

Other such constructs of control that also replace true Wisdom with the power of Ego, such as the tenets of national governments and religious institutions, seeking to aggrandize the powerful. Many within our societies use texts (laws, books, etc.) to gain power or seek a position within these institutions to be venerated. We manifest our gods and fuel our systems of belief so highly in these large-scale communities. We teach them to our children and promote them as “good.” We gather in churches and synagogues and mosques weekly or sometimes daily to teach and manifest what we believe in our knowledge is "right". And we celebrate our national sovereignties through Holidays and Religious practices in order to feel a part of the greater community and call it a blessing. Yet what do we actually get out of our worship of our external gods or governments? Ask yourself. Aren't these just bodies of humankind in positions of leadership? Why do we give such credence to the words spoken on the pulpit or in the congressional seat or on stage? Are they better than us since they have sought the "wisdom of power"? Are we worshipping a deity or a person? And isn't it true that we are riddled with a society that is filled with God-like complexes?

Immortality: Manifestation of Legend and the Confrontation of Death

Now we have a third confrontation of Ego to explore: The physical manifestation of anti-aging through Science. There is a billion dollar international pharmaceutical industry devoted to preventing death and anti-aging. We have medical practices that can “fight” disease, cancer, heart failure and degeneration. We have a billion dollar beauty industry that “fights” against wrinkles and grey hair and sagging skin. We invest billions in exercise and diet to “fight” aging and cellular death. Yet is it out of the fear of dying? Or can we attribute all of these transformations of sorts to an innate human experience of the desire to live forever and allow the Ego to thrive? Is the prolonging of life a necessity to permit us to remain here as long as we can? Is this a salvation for us, to be younger, stronger, more physically capable? We see television exploit the “transformation” of the human form constantly in the celebration of makeovers to worldly standards of beauty and admiration. This is not new…the Greek gods and goddesses were depicted as immortally youthful and superiorly strong. We see immortality as venerated in Sampson’s hair and the resurrections of Achilles and Osiris, all three whom are depicted as superior in looks and strength.

All of these ideologies explored to this point in the pursuit of seeking Wisdom play off the idea that Wisdom and Immortality are connected. Don’t we all seek an immortal legend in some way, shape or form? Some within humanity use the simple act of procreation to pass down their legend—does it ever occur to us why so many who are uneducated, poor or who aren’t interested in anything but their own lives are so excellent at procreating and having many children? Aren’t we subjected to beliefs that connect childbearing with worthiness? And why is it that those of us who seek a higher knowledge, greater purpose or have more abundance are often less likely to reproduce? I am stating this internationally as an average, not as a cultural flaw but rather as an observation. For instance, the average rate of children per family is highest in Niger, Yemen, Uganda, Malawi and Afghanistan, all having an average of 7 children per household (all agriculturally-based, religious-driven and have low life expectancies--this is easily corraborated on Google). While countries that have an average of less than 2 children per household include Australia, Greece, Hungary, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg and many countries in Eastern Europe. What causes these trends? Is it survival and culture? Do we thus put our energies into our prodigies for the purpose of passing on our genes or our Egos? Moreover, what drives our obsession to seek immortality through procreation?

In our American culture, men are prone to believe they must pass down their legacy through their children. Women are told as they get older that their “clock is ticking” and they must find a suitable partner to procreate. Religions tell us to find a mate and settle down and procreate. Science has invented such techniques to meet these demands as chemical hormone balancing (birth control and fertility drugs), in vitro fertilization and other such ways to give us the bundle of joy a person so longs to have. Because of the high rate of divorce, we have an entire empire of Family Law that capitalizes on the battle to gain custody over a child, making lawyers and judges rich in the process of sorting out the pain of Ego-driven parenting. Fathers live vicariously through their children’s achievements; mothers feel obligated to create an atmosphere of home that is often driven by rivalry of others in their immediate society or community. “Look at how amazing my child is.” “Here’s what my child has done.” “They are a chip off the old block.” Aren’t these the sentiments of legacy that feed our Egos of immortality?

Facing Our Own Transformation, Mortality and Death of the Ego

I am blessed. I have experienced a lot of the aforementioned experiences of seeking Wisdom and Transformation. I have been blessed with the genetic and biological passing of myself by giving birth to three lovely and brilliant children, for whom I write these blogs. I am currently (and therefore until death by my own vow) partnered with an amazing husband with whom I am helping to raise his biological daughter as well. So I have achieved “legacy” in this way. I have been born of some privilege, understanding the positions of “superiority” both by being born in a somewhat affluent area of society, as a Caucasian woman who was raised as a Christian. I have experienced the instruction to gain higher education, attended three great colleges, and I am in the midst of continuing my higher education as a doctor and healer. I have been privileged to see many additional cultures, having traveled to seek what additional experiences I could encounter. I have been taught by so many wonderful teachers and cannot get enough knowledge—I love TED talks and spiritual literature and meetup groups with likeminded friends. I thrive from intellectual conversation. And I have found a great connection with modern science, technology and nutrition to prolong my life and brain and appearance through the blessings of these gifts of the industries of immortality. I won’t lie—I love it that my physical and mental selves has benefited from these international passions and personal pleasures.

Yet is time for me to face the Crone. I realized that now more than ever, as my entire world has been blessed with the gifts of Ego, I am ready to face my fears and manifest my journey to the Underworld to seek the Baba Yaga/Kali. I am flawed. I have demons. I have emotional walls and irrational fears and regrets and jealousies and a mountain of other skeletons in my closet that I have carefully ascended like a pile of corpses. This may sound gruesome, but it is reality. For every person of wisdom and fame we emulate, there are human secrets within us all we must chop off at the head. The gift of wisdom is this: do we choose to face these demons and wear their heads around our neck or on our fence posts or do we continue to live in fear and feed our Egos? Do we seek prestige, power, fame, acknowledgement, and praise? Or do we seek answers? Once I face these demons and slay my own Jaberwocky, I will relay to you how my journey into the Underworld is progressing.

It is time to end my suffering and live as I was meant to do as a Crone of Higher Wisdom, not to seek power, but rather to create Love. As I descend into the darkness, I feel I am truly going home. Don't take my word for it. Don't venerate my journey, seek your own. Go to the place where Kali awaits. Join me when you are ready.

“Om aim hrim klim camundayai vicche svaha."

Death and Rebirth: The Body and the Spirit

Written June 2012, Chicago, IL

Today is a new day. Actually, every day is a new day for me. I am a blessed woman. I have discovered my own power and I know who I am. But in that, I am constantly in a state of awareness, heightened learning and change. I live in the moment. I am aware of this world around me and those connections within my Soul and with my Spirit and the Universe. So why am I stuck? Literally, I am grounded and sick in bed. I feel like the Phoenix—my body is about to implode and I am ready to start tomorrow born in a new flame. I am counting on that “new beginning” to be free from allergies and this terrible spring cold.

I am writhing in pain as I begin this writing. My lungs are on fire, my throat is convulsing, and this microscopic entity called a virus has found its way into my sinuses and has caused me immense grief. At first I thought it was all allergies, which I never experienced here in Chicago before. They say the pollen count is at an all-time high. But my lungs are throbbing and don’t care where the source of irritation has birthed, and that they are still keeping me awake and making me aware of my human form constantly. So you know what? I am stuck home and have time to reflect on my life. Very few events have grounded me. I have a habit of making every day an adventure. So these experiences are all new for me—middle age and illness and the unknown. So this experience is teaching me to slow down and stop and listen.

I have always been a wanderer. I spent most of my life plowing through obstacles and creating roller coasters. Not literally, I’m a business woman. I negotiate contracts and I am starting up a major corporation. So a major illness is not on my agenda. Nor is death, or tragedy, nor any additional factor that might derail my progress. I am driven. And every experience I have had up until now has led me to this moment. I have never lived more than a couple years in one area, but I keep coming back to my home sweet home, Chicago. I loved my ten years in the Denver area, but I won’t miss the cold, the dry air (my hair dislikes dry air), and the memories attached to my wild years and raising my children as a poor, single mother. Thank goodness my darling oldest daughter graduated and went off to college to study engineering—one of us is creating a stable career—and I am free to explore the world once again.

I have spent the last 6 months at light speed and in a very small car. So this is my chance to reflect. I met a couple of great financial investors, and continued to create the life we have imagined living. And we will see what happens next. This is one of my stops—where will the Universe take me next? My idea of camping is a 2-star hotel, so living a nomadic life for the last 6 months, on-and-off, was fun and exciting, but way outside my normal travelling criteria and comfort zone of pleasure. My partner, on the other hand, is very comfortable in the great outdoors and makes a killer meal on a campfire. I love to visit places, but with flight schedule, a full suitcase of clothes for various fun activities, and a map to all the cool places to go. He likes to relax and fish and wander. If I had known that the unforeseeable journey would include moments of homelessness, living out of the car and replacing tires--all of them--I would have stayed home to prepare. He also mentioned post script that if we had known how difficult the trip would be, we would have stayed home (in Denver) for a few more months to save additional funds. Instead, we dove into the trip and navigated this great U.S. of A. with a GPS, a worn car atlas and a couple of bottles of Sailor Jerry’s. And I loved every moment of the journey—even at the toughest points of learning.

Until recently, as I will explain in further detail, I was content to stay home and work on my spiritual growth. I had run away and travelled far, but I found myself back home in the mountains and foothills of Colorado, where I have been on and off for twelve years. I have been focusing on the Universe and its mysteries for several years now, as I will further delve into explanation. I lived my life on my own Zen path, in spite of those around me and their journeys. My family, children and partners never truly understood. I was pleasantly creating a life around me that was solitary and yet in a group of enlightened healers, much like myself. I made a plethora of friends. I surrounded myself with those that could feel the strength of the connection between us and our Creator, no matter from which source of dogma or mythology the thoughts had come.

The idea that there is a God, or Creator, or pantheon of thought forms, or alien higher race, has come through a form of a Higher Self in order to connect us together in this pool of what we call Humanity, has been my source of inspiration since I was a child. I have spent countless hours studying and connecting and searching. I came close to joining an Ashram a year ago. And now I have come to a place where it doesn’t matter where that source comes from, but that it is threaded throughout the daily life I live that counts. And it is reminding me that I must depend on that Higher Self for guidance, for both the healing of my burning chest (temporary) and for the direction I must take my next step (long term). I am born of fire! Yet, explaining that metaphor to my swollen sinuses is currently pointless and aggravating. In this fire, however, I am seeking the flame of my Higher self and I am not alone in this quest.

The Shamaness’ Path of Experience and Awareness

After years mismatched partnerships, I finally met someone with whom I have been connected and I knew right away that it was the path I was meant to take--to travel across the country, for months on end, to find a way to create a life together and work together and create entertainment together. It hasn’t been easy. We are producing a series of TV shows and movies. We were planning to retire and dreamed about finding the right investors, but that immediate fantasy was short lived. I have allowed myself to be “responsible” for everything. I have had to decide where we go and who we see and what paths to take and with whom to network. This has created a burden of imbalanced control. So after several weeks of intense works in Florida that ended unsettled, I returned to my original plan to join forces with another strong-willed woman to create a powerful business model. I have come to work for another entertainment company so I can finish what we started, but from a different angle.

So I am older and wiser. And I attract younger men; well, actually now, I have attracted one younger man, but he is so much like me. I have a childlike spirit. But it is easily derailed when I have to be the task master in business and in a relationship. I am impossible to live with; I know that. But I am also the hardest worker I know. I am independent to a fault, which has deep roots I will explain. I have overcome the worst of any type of relationship: betrayal. I have survived and conquered post-traumatic stress disorder from years of mental and emotional abuse. In the past, I attracted and take responsibility for settling with a series of abusive men, most of whom resembled my psychotic and immature mother, and I have had to profusely apologize for my temper tantrums.

Yet I am still here. I beat the odds and somehow the battle scars work in my favor to make me the Warrior that I have embraced as my masculine “Emporer” side. I don’t know if I like it though. I would rather be gentle and innocent and kind. I would love to go back to that first day I stepped onto a stage and just embrace the Innocent and the starry-eyed youth I once was. I want to be that happy little girl who wants to grow up and be an actress. So I became a producer instead. And now I play hardball for a living. And I won’t stop until we have succeeded in producing what we have created. I am embodying Kali, Baba Yaga, The Chrone. I am a bit too young for the Senior Discount, but I am fully aware of the Dharma and Tao of the Warrior Soul.

I have analyzed hours of data and studied mountains of materials to find out the way to raise money and become successful. I am an entrepreneur. I manage all my time to seek out the right balance of market study and making connections. I have a massive network of connections, both in business and in my spiritual life. And I have been pursuing these dreams of mine and making them into realities and goals for years now. I started with just an idea—I want to become a famous actress—and I built that dream through hours of study and hard work throughout high school and into college. Actually, I caught the acting bug, much like this virus that is making me hack up a lung, and it was a hard and fast transformation. I knew it was what I wanted to be. That starry eyed little girl, the one with the painted face and tragic stare, grew up to become the anti-hero of a Greek mythos.

Truth is this for anyone who is an entrepreneur: The payoff is wonderful but the path is not for everyone. I am seriously tired of living out of a box or a backseat. And I am tired of being at the level of poverty. So I have taken my experiences and have started the process of changing them into leaps of faith. I am grateful for what I learned. And now I am ready to accept the rewards of the hard work we so diligently forged into place. All those traumas, experiences, and obstacles have created a life now of great reward. And I have had many. Some say I have been given the lion’s share of drama and sadness. But it is in these lessons, however painful they seemed at the time, that I have found my greatest gifts: thankfulness and compassion.

The Spiritual Journey and the Return of the Goddess

So this is where my story picks up: this was the end of the rebellion and start of this spiritual life that had been tickling the back of my neck for the last few years. The Higher Self won. The Spiritual path was there to lead me out of the fire. I am now the Dragon. As a spiritual leader of sorts, I have lead many and yet I find myself humbly removed from any kind of fame, power or glory for any of my work or achievements. In my career now, I stay behind the scenes for the most part in my quest to create entertainment—films, television, animations and even as a writer. Yes, on this last journey for six months, I did a little acting as well. I love being in front of a camera! And slowly all my dreams have been coming true.

Finally becoming the actress is not the happy ending of the tale. The roller coaster I am now experiencing has led to a new path that has fueled the fire I am finally getting off my chest, literally, before my lungs collapse. Yet, this fire I breathe is only painful when I don’t use it to purify my own way. I must be patient with this new Dragon. The Phoenix has died and risen in a new and improved form and I am not yet comfortable in these scales. I manifest what I desire. It is like a gift from the Universe that bears great responsibility yet produces great outcomes. I practiced using this fire when I returned to Colorado the last time, but I remained studious and learning in spite of the end of the last relationship. And in that time of awakening, I was ready to fly. That is where I was both spiritually and in my career when I met my Dragon reflection with whom I have traveled and returned to start the fire.

You see, maybe someday when one of my friends or family or children read this story, they will know that it was my conscious choice to change and allow the Universe to come in and intervene on my behalf. I did it for myself, for my children, for our future and our destiny. I was the prodigal, but also the prophet. I was given a new message and I had to create and grow in spite of those around me, not because of them. I still have to deal with my mistakes, the greatest one being that I gave up fighting for my two children because I had given up on myself. Now, however, I am thriving and I know that one day they will come back because they will want to know who I am and what had happened—the truth, not the contrived perception of reality they swallowed. I wish the best for them, and will welcome them with open and loving arms. But my path is set and my goal is to create the way for greater wisdom.

So you may ask, why the Spirituality? Why would a highly educated woman, raised in a conservative and evangelical environment, bound to study both Western medicine and American law, choose a life path so far in a different direction from where she started? Actually, I have found that all paths of higher learning lead to a Higher Consciousness. I have discovered that, in spite of all my experiences of community, of hatred, of passion and of piousness, the original belief I once held has actually been only a part of the larger picture of Oneness to which I subscribe. That being said, I am still the same person, just more enlightened and enhanced, but this is a subject for another story…

There are many ways to connect to the Universal Consciousness. Some use prayer, others use chanting, and often others verbalize their connection in writing or aloud in some way. Many use music or some connection to sound to enhance their connection and bring emotion into one’s Faith and Spirituality. I often listen to music to change my mood. I find strength in connecting with other Spiritual people. I am what we call a Highly Sensitive Person—I am an extrovert, but I feel the emotions and often connect to the thoughts of others. It is in this connection with others I find my greatest strengths, not in solitude or in isolation. Therefore, I have come full circle. My fear of being alone has actually dissipated and my longing to be with others has replaced that fear. I welcome the mirror of humanity.

My Spiritual journey, like Dorothy’s adventures in Oz, made me realize it was with me the whole time. I find solace and wisdom in all things higher minded. I crave chapter upon chapter of knowledge, everything from the Tao Te Ching to the Quran to the Zohar and the wisdom texts. I have learned from Solomon, Rumi, and Kahlil Gilbran. I laugh with Buddhist teachers and cry with the Shamans. I have soaked up texts from the Torah to the Greek and Roman tragedies. I find nuggets of wisdom in fairy tales and children’s stories and shamanic journeys. I have astral traveled and channeled higher beings. I have seen visions. And I have accepted my sensitivities and allow myself to be a beacon of light right here in the middle of humanity, rather than a lost and lonely star far off in some distant land. I love children and animals and discovering new places and creating a life of wonder. I keep myself open to the wisdom from those that have come before, my guides and my rainbow people—my ancestors. I have journeyed within, deep within oceans and high in the trees. I have danced the sacred dance. And I am still here. And I am forever grateful.