The Phoenix Arises - The Dragon Emerges

There is such a powerful connection to the New Year. It is a great tradition celebrated by everyone on the planet. We have such a blessing being able to see celebrations all over the planet. Fireworks spread from Sydney to Moscow to Beijing to Rio de Janeiro. The New Year brings longer days. The New Year brings love and joy and kisses and reunions and death and transformation and awakenings. Life is full of hopes and promises and sunrises, all because of the New Year.

The Phoenix arises. There is a great comfort that the Earth we live on has seasons. It is such a comfort to have snow on the ground that is filled with sleeping seeds. It is rising from the ashes of burned fall leaves fertilizing the cold earth. The chrysalis that is formed around the wounded is hardening but the soft wings of redemption and renewal are forming their bright colors. There is a reason why the hearts and minds of humanity mimic nature. We all experience transformation in order to learn. But what we choose to do with that revelation is up to us.

In the year 2013, there were so many strange events that happened and so many unusual world events. This was the warmest year globally in recorded human history. We had more tragedies and continued war in the Middle East and Syria. The U.S. Government shut down, but it is still not fixed. Another super typhoon devastation hit, this time in the Philippines. Human stem cells were finally successfully cloned. We lost Margaret Thatcher and Nelson Mandela. Pope Benedict XVI resigned. And we experienced a great tragedy with the Boston Marathon bombing. We now have drones killing people in retaliation for suicide bombings. We have extremist groups (mainly Muslim) attacking large-scale bombings and assaults, like the one at the Kenyan mall and the many bombings in Nigeria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Dagestan. There was an 8.0 earthquake off the coast of the Solomon Islands. Lance Armstrong admitted to “doping” and lost his titles. Same-sex marriage was legalized in the U.K. Estonia is the first country to implement nationwide electric car outlets. A 2 year old girl in the U.S. is the first ever to be actually cured of AIDS. France passes same-sex marriage. North Korea declares war with South Korea. Brazil passes same-sex marriage, while Russia makes it illegal for same-sex couples to adopt Russian children. Croatia becomes the 26th state in the E.U. Detroit, Michigan files for bankruptcy. The Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons wins the Nobel Peace Prize. A 7.7 earthquake devastates Pakistan. We end up having another school shooting here in Colorado—the shooter killed both a senior in high school and himself. But in spite of the state of the World being in complete chaos, the Dow and S&P both hit record highs. If we were to go only based on the state of World affairs, we would all be doomed. But I also truly see a pattern in the increase of awareness and enlightenment.

We celebrated the March Against Monsanto this year. We woke up our own nation to marital equality. We are finally addressing medical insurance and care, even though our first round of Obamacare V. the Insurance Racket is still up for grabs and not even closely settled. Facebook still is number one in Social Media and has become the greatest experiment in social anarchy of all times. Giant corporations keep getting stronger, we keep feeding into the system of Materialism, but banks are no longer getting any bailouts (save for the country of Cyprus). Winter still came and is freezing the Northern Hemisphere. But life still goes on.
Now is the time to hibernate. Now is the time to reflect and write. Now is the time to light the hearth fires warming the hearts of the lost and downtrodden. Now is the time to go within and start another year of awakening souls to the spreading awareness and renewal of Spirit.

New Year Resolutions—Creating the Fire of Passion

For 2014, I am dedicated to spread the message of Awakening. I want to open the network of high-minded people so we can reconstruct the norms--the popular, shallow lifestyle of convenience, processed foods, hiding behind computer screens, plastic money, instant gratification and a la carte religion; we need to find a way to open a new forum. The past seems so far away with the lightning speed of internet modernity. The traditional ways of keeping our heads in the sand while Big Corporate America tells us how to think are also over. So we have no choice but to find a new paradigm. For me personally, this reflects in how I run my life, relate to my family, and deal with both the past and the future—our job is to stir the pot. My first intention in 2014 is to get real. Honesty and spiritual reflection. It’s worth the effort. Try it.

I am living exactly the life I expected to live. I still have unfinished business. Yet in this time of renewal, those tasks I must finish are also the very things I strive to accomplish because they are a part of my quest. It has taken longer than I expected to fulfill my visions and manifest my values. I have had a list of accomplishments to complete. Here are the ones I know I am committed to complete this year and beyond:

1. Finish all my classes to complete my Doctorate. So, according to the plan, I have 2 Organic Chem classes, 2 Physics classes and Anatomy and Physiology. In order to do so, I also have to finish the reviews of Biology and Chemistry. So I have my work cut out for me. Especially at 45. But anything is possible. And I am forever the believer in the possible.
2. Attend my daughter Jacquelyn’s high school graduation. My hope is to first take my kids on one last vacation to Florida to see my son Christopher, THEN we watch Jacqui graduate, THEN we celebrate our new life together…my children will ALL be adults! Jacqui turns 18 in August!

3. This leads to the next task: To finish my memoirs about my life in the last 14 years. I left my children at age 30 so I could live after surviving a terrible marriage and abusive prison. I endured losing my identity because there was a need for power and control from my partner. The last three years of marriage sent me into a deep depression. Either I left and regained who I was or stayed and lost everything…so I left. And now, after a decade and a half, I have come full circle, reunited with my children, found my true love and created the life I manifested. I allowed my pain to transform. I gave myself permission to let go. And now I can share this with everyone I love.

4. Complete the screenplay I started in 2013. I know it is worth it. I also know how valuable it will be when completed. I look forward to the day I see it produced!

5. Spread the word about Mannatech. I work for a company that has found a scientific way to tap into the body’s natural renewal systems. I personally know what it can do, how it helps people get their lives back, and how it will lead Mark and I into the new phase of our life. I have committed to those I have been teaching. I am committed to find those who want to lead. Everyone wins. It’s a blessing to be able to bring nutrition and health to so many, and in the process, work for a company that offers nutrition to thousands of starving children. One day we will see millions fed by what we are doing. This is my motivation—to help my family and the future of our world. I love my job!

6. I will be a rock and a strong leader for our family. I have always been blessed to see a light at the end of every tunnel. It will be a year of change. I will continue to support and love our daughter Virginia, who is in college and needs our strength and health knowledge. I will continue to grow our relationships with our daughter Jacquelyn and support our son Christopher, who is in the Navy. And I will spend time visiting and connecting with our combined family. This year, I will be making our home, finding a place to grow our hearts, our garden and our friendships. I will solidify our beliefs and finding our spiritual center.

7. I am working an amazing part-time job that I love dearly. I love working at a doll store, making young girls so happy. But I know that the only way to true joy for me is to turn my work and trade into a more meaningful pursuit. Yes, it is fun to work at a place of such joy. But it is even better to create ways to heal people. All my work will be aligned accordingly.

8. I will tend my first full-NON-GMO garden. This is a lot of work. But it is worth the effort. My intention is to create a unified place for anyone to share in a truly community-based process. There will be other great intentional projects to do as well: making tinctures, processing our own sauces, brewing our own mead, and making community meals.

9. It’s time to travel again! Next plan, this summer, I am taking my children to Orlando to see Universal Studios and visit the Harry Potter Kingdom. It’s a destination for my family. I raised them all on Harry Potter. It will be a momentous reunion!! This is also the first reunion of my children and I since our last vacation to Miami in 2007. The summer of 2007 was the last time we were all together and the time I missed being with them was horrific for me. Christopher moved back to his father’s that school year and I was kept from seeing him for 5 years. It was traumatic, but as I stated, because the marriage and family system were based on my ex’s feelings and mine were always disregarded, it was typical. I am sad I lost all that time with my children. But now, it is more important that I let them know who I am and how strong I have become. This reunion will be the way to show that to them even more.

10. Every good New Year’s resolution would not be complete without a commitment to go to the gym. Since last year I attended a gym I wasn’t thrilled to attend—and I couldn’t get there regularly—I am searching for a place that is more like me. I love dancing! I have taken to Rumba classes and would also love ballet again. Looking into Denver’s possibilities. Next year, I can attend more through the University.

11. I have always fluctuated in my spirituality, but it has remained strong. My goal this year is to be more consistent in learning what my heart longs to find. I am seeking a balanced life that allows me to live unconditionally. I am limited. I am human. I have pursued a life of giving. This path was set for me long ago. And in my transformation, I have stayed strong in loving others as I love myself. I have been given the blessing of understanding that wisdom. I know there are many who cannot accept that part of me—I cannot love those who choose hate, jealousy, narcissism. There is nothing I can do to change their paths. But I can still be true to my own nature.

12. The greatest gift I can give to myself this year, and to those who know me and may even read what I write, is the gift of allowance. I allow myself permission to complete the tasks set out before me. I allow myself the blessing of a healthy body, a sound mind, an amazing family and a strong marriage. I allow myself to be true to my nature, intellectually and emotionally. I allow my life to flourish. I am not competing with anyone else. I am not succumbing to having to have “stuff” I don’t need. I don’t need to be anyone else. I am so grateful for this revelation. And to my friends, family and those who can’t see beyond their own images or perceptions of me, I promise I am going to continue to love, to teach, to parent, to learn, to pursue, to be a great wife and mother, to be a passionate leader, and to stand up for those who need a voice. It will be another wonderful year of getting to know what the Universe has in store for each and every one of us!

Wishing everyone an amazing New Year! Blessings to you all!

I Am Made of Precious Scales - The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin

This is going to be the next part of the book I have started. Any feedback or interest in the writing, please let me know.

One of the elements of passion I will begin to explore more in this journey is that of humor. After all I experiences of Tragedy, I find myself drawn more and more to humor, to Life’s Comedy, and this is reflected daily by my partner. He has a great voice for his cartoons and often he can mimic famous actors or movies in jest during conversation. As I chose the title for this segment, of course, I can hear his voice laughingly doing Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” as he says, “The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin” in his creepiest voice. So I put the lotion in the basket…and we go back to the story after a fit of laughter.

The burning in my lungs when I began this reflection took a long time to heal but finally subsided. The virus or whatever it was that slowed down my momentum is no longer hindering me. Now it is just blazing hot and I am in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record—we have been burned in Florida, stifled in Chicago and now overheated and lethargic in Denver. The return to the Foothills of Colorado was not a cool and calm welcoming to me like my past returns. We are blazing hot! My partner and I have had some crazy ups and downs while we were on the road, but now it is time to take what we have found on our adventure and bring it home. Our Journey together is not over, it is just beginning to take root.

The flight of this Dragon has been a powerful force, not just in me, but in the reflection of the man with whom I have found friendship and affection. It is funny. I gave up looking for a partner and he appeared right when I needed him. This is by no means a fairy tale ending. The seven months we have been travelling has brought the two of us together but it has by no means created the powerful production company our earthly partnership had intended to manifest---not at the moment, not yet of course.

The wounded Dragon has come out of her cave. She saw her reflection in the pool of water before her and she was frightened. She knew that in spite of his appearance, and that it was just as fierce as hers, she was not ready to look into the face of the Mirror. She soared high, gathered speed, shrieked loudly, and perched atop a high mountain where she shed her skin. She was growing in strength but it was only the first part of her growth. And when she returned to the pool to look again, she realized that in her own reflection, she caught his eyes as well and they both had grown.

This is truly how I have pictured my last two years of rapid change. I am finding my voice again. And have found my fire. This is where, once I finally realized where we had been, that upon looking back at our friendship, our joining forces, and our travels, there were really two trails of smoke behind us the whole time. We have grown together. And in spite of the pains, I am grateful he truly was there with me.

I began this path of growth and rebirth when I moved away from Colorado, but I have returned so many times because this is where I am drawn. About three years ago, when I was living in Miami, I thought that once I was geographically free from the torrid relationship I had left, I would find the “one true love” of my life. (I will describe the meaning of the relationship in subsequent chapters—after all, he too was one of my soul mates. Thus the quest to solve why I am here began). But finding my partner didn’t happen. I was sorely disappointed. I had opened many psychic channels which gave me the knowledge of the destruction around me but also gave me the hope of a partner to come along and join me. I have felt alone so many times. I remember often walking around South Beach or even riding the buses in Denver or the Loop in Chicago and I would stare aimlessly upward and beg for an explanation: had I become so tough from my life lessons, so removed from the possibility of a gentle relationship to break through these hard scales I had been given?

Around the same time, I met an executive producer in Colorado who helped to pull me out of the ashes after I left the destruction of my broken dreams behind. He gave me a purpose and I learned everything I could about the entertainment industry, specifically about how to produce a feature film. I have been on stage for years. I picked up acting after the divorce again, playing a lead role in a major performance that set my soul on fire again. I auditioned for many additional roles and felt the stings of many rejections. But I have found a path in film from which I have found comfort in my age and my appearance. Yet it was behind the scenes, dreaming and setting goals to create these beautiful entities called films, that I have found a higher level of passion. I am grateful for his part in igniting this fire in me.

Playing with the big dogs of feature filmmaking is not a walk in the park. You can’t pee on a few trees and expect to find the miracle in such a safe and landscaped environment. Yes, anyone can pick up a camera these days and make and independent film. But it is in the details of producing that the real magic happens. So I set out to learn everything and be the best top dog I could be.

The miracle didn't happened. Nor did the money. Nor did any of the films I worked so diligently to peddle for over a year. And the executive producer moved on to another female intern and refused to pay me what I was worth. So I left to start my own ventures. I then partnered with a new and exciting filmmaker and close friend in Chicago. We started the dreaming process again after we had a separation—the relationship of course got in the way of progress. The renewal happened about the time I had returned to Colorado for the last time from Miami, and when my world fell apart, I hung up that hat for a long while. So I didn’t work for the executive producer any longer and the partnership with the filmmaker too had dissipated in time. I was not ready.

After a year growing and working in the Spiritual community, I built a solid foundation of friends and networks for a youth program for other sensitive and psychic kids. My gifts at that point had been new, like the growing Phoenix I had become. So, I figured, we could all grow together. This was my blessing in disguise when the one I left years before suddenly took his own life. It was my community that held me and cried with me and was there for me. My sister in Texas was empathetic and for most of our lives, we have strengthened each other and I commiserated with her on many occasions. She knew all about my life. And she and I both share that Highly Sensitive personality. Thus we also share that propensity to choose destructive relationships as well as that conflict we call addiction. So many of us exist on this planet—the downtrodden and the lost and the single mothers who have had to fight to survive, especially for some reason in this supposed-modern day and age of reason in the U.S.A. The system never fails to hold down those who try to crawl out of the hole. So I figured, why not build a ladder and we can all crawl out together?

This ladder, or ascending path, is both the Spiritual one and also the career path that I am creating. How I see it is this: when the visions of our dreams succeed, both in reality and financially, I will be able to bring alongside those that we choose to honor for their part in our lives….actors, producers, writers, creators of all sorts. And we can create these visions together. So sure enough, my sister and I have joined forces to write out stories before and we will continue to do so. This is what sparked me to write in the first place, and our first screenplay together is still going to be our best story.

My filmmaker friend in Chicago has also had the Vision. She too has had the rough experiences of divorce, betrayal, raising teenagers and fighting against the odds to create solid films that will become legends. The filmmaker has succeeded where many have failed. Her vision is strong and that is why we went to Chicago as part of our recent journey, to join forces and create together. Businesses don’t happen overnight, and we helped to start the foundation for what she is building, but our company and our vision is to plant roots in both the Spiritual community and in the movie industry right here in our home territory. And we plan to combine the two.

So there are paths to show all sorts of enlightened ideals through film, television and media. We have the anarchy of the internet—that is enough to get out messages, one viral stroke of luck at a time. And it works. But this method doesn’t work for everyone. Fortunately, we all have a niche we are trying to fill so we will find like-minded souls to help us with our journeys. For instance, my filmmaker friend is American Latino, so her entertainment preferences and filmmaking choices will revolve around creating quality and celebratory pieces for her market. My partner and I have a mutual love for science fiction and fantasy (you would never guess with all the Dragon references, would you?), so our goals are aligned together with many other partnering filmmakers, writers, producers and artists. We have several of our productions set to be animated, because that’s what we desire to see immortalized and on the big screen.

My scales have grown strong and they are shiny. I am blessed. Many only look at their scars as hideous flaws or monstrous outgrowths of fear. Often growing a tail or horns is considered abnormal for a dragon. But if one thinks they are a beast of a different sort, of course that makes sense. It’s not all fluffy unicorns and angel wings that grow out of strength and courage. And not all fire-breathers understand their gifts either. Many forget what they have endured and jump right into the same fire over and over again. I am guilty of that myself obviously—I am an expert at repeat mistakes. But it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate my scales, my scars, my tail, my claws and my fire.

In the same way, not all filmmakers have to have a happy-ever-after ending and not all good guys get the girl and save the day. Not all producers have to use blood and gore and zombies either, but heck if that isn’t the most popular genre of our time right now. If I could rationalize zombies becoming enlightened then maybe I could fit in to that trend. Meanwhile, I will stick to what I know, allegories and Dragons and fantasy. So creating visual fireworks with a camera, a green screen and CGI is real to me and my world. I would love to share my prolific world with others. And I am doing so one step at a time. My partner and I are writing and creating fantastical tales and sharing our vision. And we have agreed to keep going until someone sees our vision and helps us run with it (with or without zombies). So our tenacity will feed our hunger and we will shed our scales to grow greater and stronger with each experience.

My partner and I have had many firsts together on this trip. For the sake of our fans, present and future, and for the edification of our children, I will have to delineate these adventures thoroughly in blogs (chapters) to come. Since this series of writings comes from my heart and my perspective, I will do my best to fairly portray both sides of each story as much as possible. That being said, remember, I am not easy to get along with as a partner, wife or whatever I am called to those who are with me. And my stubbornness to be independent has been the death of many relationships before, so it was a Fool’s leap to get into a small vehicle and drive from Colorado to Texas to Louisiana to Florida and then up to Illinois only to find ourselves on our way back to Colorado. And as I mentioned, all this travelling took place in the last seven months.

So we will tell you of our experiences, our revelations and our voluminous collection of stories. But many you will have to wait and see on film. Meanwhile, as we are writing and producing our films, I will reflect on these lessons while elaborating on our newest adventures as well.

Now the Dragon is ready to take flight! She spreads out her enormous wings and cries joyfully as she dives from the rocky cliff where her fears were left behind. She knows she is her own being, her own reflection, but she seeks out the others just the same. The strength is not in her solitude but in collecting her family around her. As she soars above the dry and wasted land that once was lush and cool and green, she is saddened by the destruction. There were many fires, many souls lost, too many dreams dashed upon those rocks. Many have tried to blame the fires and the destruction on her and her kind. But every being is responsible for his or her own path and choices. Her flight is short—she must land to strengthen her wings before continuing. When she finds her own inner strength and her own power, she too can join in the healing of the land. She realizes, as she descends into the valley, that this is why she is here.