I Am Made of Precious Scales - The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin

This is going to be the next part of the book I have started. Any feedback or interest in the writing, please let me know.

One of the elements of passion I will begin to explore more in this journey is that of humor. After all I experiences of Tragedy, I find myself drawn more and more to humor, to Life’s Comedy, and this is reflected daily by my partner. He has a great voice for his cartoons and often he can mimic famous actors or movies in jest during conversation. As I chose the title for this segment, of course, I can hear his voice laughingly doing Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” as he says, “The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin” in his creepiest voice. So I put the lotion in the basket…and we go back to the story after a fit of laughter.

The burning in my lungs when I began this reflection took a long time to heal but finally subsided. The virus or whatever it was that slowed down my momentum is no longer hindering me. Now it is just blazing hot and I am in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record—we have been burned in Florida, stifled in Chicago and now overheated and lethargic in Denver. The return to the Foothills of Colorado was not a cool and calm welcoming to me like my past returns. We are blazing hot! My partner and I have had some crazy ups and downs while we were on the road, but now it is time to take what we have found on our adventure and bring it home. Our Journey together is not over, it is just beginning to take root.

The flight of this Dragon has been a powerful force, not just in me, but in the reflection of the man with whom I have found friendship and affection. It is funny. I gave up looking for a partner and he appeared right when I needed him. This is by no means a fairy tale ending. The seven months we have been travelling has brought the two of us together but it has by no means created the powerful production company our earthly partnership had intended to manifest---not at the moment, not yet of course.

The wounded Dragon has come out of her cave. She saw her reflection in the pool of water before her and she was frightened. She knew that in spite of his appearance, and that it was just as fierce as hers, she was not ready to look into the face of the Mirror. She soared high, gathered speed, shrieked loudly, and perched atop a high mountain where she shed her skin. She was growing in strength but it was only the first part of her growth. And when she returned to the pool to look again, she realized that in her own reflection, she caught his eyes as well and they both had grown.

This is truly how I have pictured my last two years of rapid change. I am finding my voice again. And have found my fire. This is where, once I finally realized where we had been, that upon looking back at our friendship, our joining forces, and our travels, there were really two trails of smoke behind us the whole time. We have grown together. And in spite of the pains, I am grateful he truly was there with me.

I began this path of growth and rebirth when I moved away from Colorado, but I have returned so many times because this is where I am drawn. About three years ago, when I was living in Miami, I thought that once I was geographically free from the torrid relationship I had left, I would find the “one true love” of my life. (I will describe the meaning of the relationship in subsequent chapters—after all, he too was one of my soul mates. Thus the quest to solve why I am here began). But finding my partner didn’t happen. I was sorely disappointed. I had opened many psychic channels which gave me the knowledge of the destruction around me but also gave me the hope of a partner to come along and join me. I have felt alone so many times. I remember often walking around South Beach or even riding the buses in Denver or the Loop in Chicago and I would stare aimlessly upward and beg for an explanation: had I become so tough from my life lessons, so removed from the possibility of a gentle relationship to break through these hard scales I had been given?

Around the same time, I met an executive producer in Colorado who helped to pull me out of the ashes after I left the destruction of my broken dreams behind. He gave me a purpose and I learned everything I could about the entertainment industry, specifically about how to produce a feature film. I have been on stage for years. I picked up acting after the divorce again, playing a lead role in a major performance that set my soul on fire again. I auditioned for many additional roles and felt the stings of many rejections. But I have found a path in film from which I have found comfort in my age and my appearance. Yet it was behind the scenes, dreaming and setting goals to create these beautiful entities called films, that I have found a higher level of passion. I am grateful for his part in igniting this fire in me.

Playing with the big dogs of feature filmmaking is not a walk in the park. You can’t pee on a few trees and expect to find the miracle in such a safe and landscaped environment. Yes, anyone can pick up a camera these days and make and independent film. But it is in the details of producing that the real magic happens. So I set out to learn everything and be the best top dog I could be.

The miracle didn't happened. Nor did the money. Nor did any of the films I worked so diligently to peddle for over a year. And the executive producer moved on to another female intern and refused to pay me what I was worth. So I left to start my own ventures. I then partnered with a new and exciting filmmaker and close friend in Chicago. We started the dreaming process again after we had a separation—the relationship of course got in the way of progress. The renewal happened about the time I had returned to Colorado for the last time from Miami, and when my world fell apart, I hung up that hat for a long while. So I didn’t work for the executive producer any longer and the partnership with the filmmaker too had dissipated in time. I was not ready.

After a year growing and working in the Spiritual community, I built a solid foundation of friends and networks for a youth program for other sensitive and psychic kids. My gifts at that point had been new, like the growing Phoenix I had become. So, I figured, we could all grow together. This was my blessing in disguise when the one I left years before suddenly took his own life. It was my community that held me and cried with me and was there for me. My sister in Texas was empathetic and for most of our lives, we have strengthened each other and I commiserated with her on many occasions. She knew all about my life. And she and I both share that Highly Sensitive personality. Thus we also share that propensity to choose destructive relationships as well as that conflict we call addiction. So many of us exist on this planet—the downtrodden and the lost and the single mothers who have had to fight to survive, especially for some reason in this supposed-modern day and age of reason in the U.S.A. The system never fails to hold down those who try to crawl out of the hole. So I figured, why not build a ladder and we can all crawl out together?

This ladder, or ascending path, is both the Spiritual one and also the career path that I am creating. How I see it is this: when the visions of our dreams succeed, both in reality and financially, I will be able to bring alongside those that we choose to honor for their part in our lives….actors, producers, writers, creators of all sorts. And we can create these visions together. So sure enough, my sister and I have joined forces to write out stories before and we will continue to do so. This is what sparked me to write in the first place, and our first screenplay together is still going to be our best story.

My filmmaker friend in Chicago has also had the Vision. She too has had the rough experiences of divorce, betrayal, raising teenagers and fighting against the odds to create solid films that will become legends. The filmmaker has succeeded where many have failed. Her vision is strong and that is why we went to Chicago as part of our recent journey, to join forces and create together. Businesses don’t happen overnight, and we helped to start the foundation for what she is building, but our company and our vision is to plant roots in both the Spiritual community and in the movie industry right here in our home territory. And we plan to combine the two.

So there are paths to show all sorts of enlightened ideals through film, television and media. We have the anarchy of the internet—that is enough to get out messages, one viral stroke of luck at a time. And it works. But this method doesn’t work for everyone. Fortunately, we all have a niche we are trying to fill so we will find like-minded souls to help us with our journeys. For instance, my filmmaker friend is American Latino, so her entertainment preferences and filmmaking choices will revolve around creating quality and celebratory pieces for her market. My partner and I have a mutual love for science fiction and fantasy (you would never guess with all the Dragon references, would you?), so our goals are aligned together with many other partnering filmmakers, writers, producers and artists. We have several of our productions set to be animated, because that’s what we desire to see immortalized and on the big screen.

My scales have grown strong and they are shiny. I am blessed. Many only look at their scars as hideous flaws or monstrous outgrowths of fear. Often growing a tail or horns is considered abnormal for a dragon. But if one thinks they are a beast of a different sort, of course that makes sense. It’s not all fluffy unicorns and angel wings that grow out of strength and courage. And not all fire-breathers understand their gifts either. Many forget what they have endured and jump right into the same fire over and over again. I am guilty of that myself obviously—I am an expert at repeat mistakes. But it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate my scales, my scars, my tail, my claws and my fire.

In the same way, not all filmmakers have to have a happy-ever-after ending and not all good guys get the girl and save the day. Not all producers have to use blood and gore and zombies either, but heck if that isn’t the most popular genre of our time right now. If I could rationalize zombies becoming enlightened then maybe I could fit in to that trend. Meanwhile, I will stick to what I know, allegories and Dragons and fantasy. So creating visual fireworks with a camera, a green screen and CGI is real to me and my world. I would love to share my prolific world with others. And I am doing so one step at a time. My partner and I are writing and creating fantastical tales and sharing our vision. And we have agreed to keep going until someone sees our vision and helps us run with it (with or without zombies). So our tenacity will feed our hunger and we will shed our scales to grow greater and stronger with each experience.

My partner and I have had many firsts together on this trip. For the sake of our fans, present and future, and for the edification of our children, I will have to delineate these adventures thoroughly in blogs (chapters) to come. Since this series of writings comes from my heart and my perspective, I will do my best to fairly portray both sides of each story as much as possible. That being said, remember, I am not easy to get along with as a partner, wife or whatever I am called to those who are with me. And my stubbornness to be independent has been the death of many relationships before, so it was a Fool’s leap to get into a small vehicle and drive from Colorado to Texas to Louisiana to Florida and then up to Illinois only to find ourselves on our way back to Colorado. And as I mentioned, all this travelling took place in the last seven months.

So we will tell you of our experiences, our revelations and our voluminous collection of stories. But many you will have to wait and see on film. Meanwhile, as we are writing and producing our films, I will reflect on these lessons while elaborating on our newest adventures as well.

Now the Dragon is ready to take flight! She spreads out her enormous wings and cries joyfully as she dives from the rocky cliff where her fears were left behind. She knows she is her own being, her own reflection, but she seeks out the others just the same. The strength is not in her solitude but in collecting her family around her. As she soars above the dry and wasted land that once was lush and cool and green, she is saddened by the destruction. There were many fires, many souls lost, too many dreams dashed upon those rocks. Many have tried to blame the fires and the destruction on her and her kind. But every being is responsible for his or her own path and choices. Her flight is short—she must land to strengthen her wings before continuing. When she finds her own inner strength and her own power, she too can join in the healing of the land. She realizes, as she descends into the valley, that this is why she is here.

Death and Rebirth: The Body and the Spirit

Written June 2012, Chicago, IL

Today is a new day. Actually, every day is a new day for me. I am a blessed woman. I have discovered my own power and I know who I am. But in that, I am constantly in a state of awareness, heightened learning and change. I live in the moment. I am aware of this world around me and those connections within my Soul and with my Spirit and the Universe. So why am I stuck? Literally, I am grounded and sick in bed. I feel like the Phoenix—my body is about to implode and I am ready to start tomorrow born in a new flame. I am counting on that “new beginning” to be free from allergies and this terrible spring cold.

I am writhing in pain as I begin this writing. My lungs are on fire, my throat is convulsing, and this microscopic entity called a virus has found its way into my sinuses and has caused me immense grief. At first I thought it was all allergies, which I never experienced here in Chicago before. They say the pollen count is at an all-time high. But my lungs are throbbing and don’t care where the source of irritation has birthed, and that they are still keeping me awake and making me aware of my human form constantly. So you know what? I am stuck home and have time to reflect on my life. Very few events have grounded me. I have a habit of making every day an adventure. So these experiences are all new for me—middle age and illness and the unknown. So this experience is teaching me to slow down and stop and listen.

I have always been a wanderer. I spent most of my life plowing through obstacles and creating roller coasters. Not literally, I’m a business woman. I negotiate contracts and I am starting up a major corporation. So a major illness is not on my agenda. Nor is death, or tragedy, nor any additional factor that might derail my progress. I am driven. And every experience I have had up until now has led me to this moment. I have never lived more than a couple years in one area, but I keep coming back to my home sweet home, Chicago. I loved my ten years in the Denver area, but I won’t miss the cold, the dry air (my hair dislikes dry air), and the memories attached to my wild years and raising my children as a poor, single mother. Thank goodness my darling oldest daughter graduated and went off to college to study engineering—one of us is creating a stable career—and I am free to explore the world once again.

I have spent the last 6 months at light speed and in a very small car. So this is my chance to reflect. I met a couple of great financial investors, and continued to create the life we have imagined living. And we will see what happens next. This is one of my stops—where will the Universe take me next? My idea of camping is a 2-star hotel, so living a nomadic life for the last 6 months, on-and-off, was fun and exciting, but way outside my normal travelling criteria and comfort zone of pleasure. My partner, on the other hand, is very comfortable in the great outdoors and makes a killer meal on a campfire. I love to visit places, but with flight schedule, a full suitcase of clothes for various fun activities, and a map to all the cool places to go. He likes to relax and fish and wander. If I had known that the unforeseeable journey would include moments of homelessness, living out of the car and replacing tires--all of them--I would have stayed home to prepare. He also mentioned post script that if we had known how difficult the trip would be, we would have stayed home (in Denver) for a few more months to save additional funds. Instead, we dove into the trip and navigated this great U.S. of A. with a GPS, a worn car atlas and a couple of bottles of Sailor Jerry’s. And I loved every moment of the journey—even at the toughest points of learning.

Until recently, as I will explain in further detail, I was content to stay home and work on my spiritual growth. I had run away and travelled far, but I found myself back home in the mountains and foothills of Colorado, where I have been on and off for twelve years. I have been focusing on the Universe and its mysteries for several years now, as I will further delve into explanation. I lived my life on my own Zen path, in spite of those around me and their journeys. My family, children and partners never truly understood. I was pleasantly creating a life around me that was solitary and yet in a group of enlightened healers, much like myself. I made a plethora of friends. I surrounded myself with those that could feel the strength of the connection between us and our Creator, no matter from which source of dogma or mythology the thoughts had come.

The idea that there is a God, or Creator, or pantheon of thought forms, or alien higher race, has come through a form of a Higher Self in order to connect us together in this pool of what we call Humanity, has been my source of inspiration since I was a child. I have spent countless hours studying and connecting and searching. I came close to joining an Ashram a year ago. And now I have come to a place where it doesn’t matter where that source comes from, but that it is threaded throughout the daily life I live that counts. And it is reminding me that I must depend on that Higher Self for guidance, for both the healing of my burning chest (temporary) and for the direction I must take my next step (long term). I am born of fire! Yet, explaining that metaphor to my swollen sinuses is currently pointless and aggravating. In this fire, however, I am seeking the flame of my Higher self and I am not alone in this quest.

The Shamaness’ Path of Experience and Awareness

After years mismatched partnerships, I finally met someone with whom I have been connected and I knew right away that it was the path I was meant to take--to travel across the country, for months on end, to find a way to create a life together and work together and create entertainment together. It hasn’t been easy. We are producing a series of TV shows and movies. We were planning to retire and dreamed about finding the right investors, but that immediate fantasy was short lived. I have allowed myself to be “responsible” for everything. I have had to decide where we go and who we see and what paths to take and with whom to network. This has created a burden of imbalanced control. So after several weeks of intense works in Florida that ended unsettled, I returned to my original plan to join forces with another strong-willed woman to create a powerful business model. I have come to work for another entertainment company so I can finish what we started, but from a different angle.

So I am older and wiser. And I attract younger men; well, actually now, I have attracted one younger man, but he is so much like me. I have a childlike spirit. But it is easily derailed when I have to be the task master in business and in a relationship. I am impossible to live with; I know that. But I am also the hardest worker I know. I am independent to a fault, which has deep roots I will explain. I have overcome the worst of any type of relationship: betrayal. I have survived and conquered post-traumatic stress disorder from years of mental and emotional abuse. In the past, I attracted and take responsibility for settling with a series of abusive men, most of whom resembled my psychotic and immature mother, and I have had to profusely apologize for my temper tantrums.

Yet I am still here. I beat the odds and somehow the battle scars work in my favor to make me the Warrior that I have embraced as my masculine “Emporer” side. I don’t know if I like it though. I would rather be gentle and innocent and kind. I would love to go back to that first day I stepped onto a stage and just embrace the Innocent and the starry-eyed youth I once was. I want to be that happy little girl who wants to grow up and be an actress. So I became a producer instead. And now I play hardball for a living. And I won’t stop until we have succeeded in producing what we have created. I am embodying Kali, Baba Yaga, The Chrone. I am a bit too young for the Senior Discount, but I am fully aware of the Dharma and Tao of the Warrior Soul.

I have analyzed hours of data and studied mountains of materials to find out the way to raise money and become successful. I am an entrepreneur. I manage all my time to seek out the right balance of market study and making connections. I have a massive network of connections, both in business and in my spiritual life. And I have been pursuing these dreams of mine and making them into realities and goals for years now. I started with just an idea—I want to become a famous actress—and I built that dream through hours of study and hard work throughout high school and into college. Actually, I caught the acting bug, much like this virus that is making me hack up a lung, and it was a hard and fast transformation. I knew it was what I wanted to be. That starry eyed little girl, the one with the painted face and tragic stare, grew up to become the anti-hero of a Greek mythos.

Truth is this for anyone who is an entrepreneur: The payoff is wonderful but the path is not for everyone. I am seriously tired of living out of a box or a backseat. And I am tired of being at the level of poverty. So I have taken my experiences and have started the process of changing them into leaps of faith. I am grateful for what I learned. And now I am ready to accept the rewards of the hard work we so diligently forged into place. All those traumas, experiences, and obstacles have created a life now of great reward. And I have had many. Some say I have been given the lion’s share of drama and sadness. But it is in these lessons, however painful they seemed at the time, that I have found my greatest gifts: thankfulness and compassion.

The Spiritual Journey and the Return of the Goddess

So this is where my story picks up: this was the end of the rebellion and start of this spiritual life that had been tickling the back of my neck for the last few years. The Higher Self won. The Spiritual path was there to lead me out of the fire. I am now the Dragon. As a spiritual leader of sorts, I have lead many and yet I find myself humbly removed from any kind of fame, power or glory for any of my work or achievements. In my career now, I stay behind the scenes for the most part in my quest to create entertainment—films, television, animations and even as a writer. Yes, on this last journey for six months, I did a little acting as well. I love being in front of a camera! And slowly all my dreams have been coming true.

Finally becoming the actress is not the happy ending of the tale. The roller coaster I am now experiencing has led to a new path that has fueled the fire I am finally getting off my chest, literally, before my lungs collapse. Yet, this fire I breathe is only painful when I don’t use it to purify my own way. I must be patient with this new Dragon. The Phoenix has died and risen in a new and improved form and I am not yet comfortable in these scales. I manifest what I desire. It is like a gift from the Universe that bears great responsibility yet produces great outcomes. I practiced using this fire when I returned to Colorado the last time, but I remained studious and learning in spite of the end of the last relationship. And in that time of awakening, I was ready to fly. That is where I was both spiritually and in my career when I met my Dragon reflection with whom I have traveled and returned to start the fire.

You see, maybe someday when one of my friends or family or children read this story, they will know that it was my conscious choice to change and allow the Universe to come in and intervene on my behalf. I did it for myself, for my children, for our future and our destiny. I was the prodigal, but also the prophet. I was given a new message and I had to create and grow in spite of those around me, not because of them. I still have to deal with my mistakes, the greatest one being that I gave up fighting for my two children because I had given up on myself. Now, however, I am thriving and I know that one day they will come back because they will want to know who I am and what had happened—the truth, not the contrived perception of reality they swallowed. I wish the best for them, and will welcome them with open and loving arms. But my path is set and my goal is to create the way for greater wisdom.

So you may ask, why the Spirituality? Why would a highly educated woman, raised in a conservative and evangelical environment, bound to study both Western medicine and American law, choose a life path so far in a different direction from where she started? Actually, I have found that all paths of higher learning lead to a Higher Consciousness. I have discovered that, in spite of all my experiences of community, of hatred, of passion and of piousness, the original belief I once held has actually been only a part of the larger picture of Oneness to which I subscribe. That being said, I am still the same person, just more enlightened and enhanced, but this is a subject for another story…

There are many ways to connect to the Universal Consciousness. Some use prayer, others use chanting, and often others verbalize their connection in writing or aloud in some way. Many use music or some connection to sound to enhance their connection and bring emotion into one’s Faith and Spirituality. I often listen to music to change my mood. I find strength in connecting with other Spiritual people. I am what we call a Highly Sensitive Person—I am an extrovert, but I feel the emotions and often connect to the thoughts of others. It is in this connection with others I find my greatest strengths, not in solitude or in isolation. Therefore, I have come full circle. My fear of being alone has actually dissipated and my longing to be with others has replaced that fear. I welcome the mirror of humanity.

My Spiritual journey, like Dorothy’s adventures in Oz, made me realize it was with me the whole time. I find solace and wisdom in all things higher minded. I crave chapter upon chapter of knowledge, everything from the Tao Te Ching to the Quran to the Zohar and the wisdom texts. I have learned from Solomon, Rumi, and Kahlil Gilbran. I laugh with Buddhist teachers and cry with the Shamans. I have soaked up texts from the Torah to the Greek and Roman tragedies. I find nuggets of wisdom in fairy tales and children’s stories and shamanic journeys. I have astral traveled and channeled higher beings. I have seen visions. And I have accepted my sensitivities and allow myself to be a beacon of light right here in the middle of humanity, rather than a lost and lonely star far off in some distant land. I love children and animals and discovering new places and creating a life of wonder. I keep myself open to the wisdom from those that have come before, my guides and my rainbow people—my ancestors. I have journeyed within, deep within oceans and high in the trees. I have danced the sacred dance. And I am still here. And I am forever grateful.