Chapter 7--Ride on the Peace Train

Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be, something good has begun
Oh I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be, some day it's going to come
Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country, come take me home again

- Peace Train by Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam)

There are days when I wake up and just feel totally grateful! And there are days when I wake up grumpy, just like everyone else that has had a moment of humanity. I am glad I usually wake up grateful, but since there is a major flu bug going around and none of my family can breathe properly, I have begrudgingly gotten out of bed and began the daily routine to get my youngest off to school, my homework done, breakfast dishes and cleaning the kitchen done, and swallow down a forced cup of coffee and a protein shake. Today I have had to add nose-blowing every few minutes into the routine, which has allowed my mood to be altered to a bit of irritation. I will work on answering emails first this morning. I will make more chicken soup for my sick family. THEN if I am energetically inspired, I go to the gym and write out my daily assignments for my screenwriting. Maybe I will bring a book to read on the machines, usually revolving around business or occasionally a favorite to further enhance my spiritual pursuits. But as I teeter on the thought of going back to bed, I am reminded how amazing my life is! And I had to get up to write.

Fourteen years ago I was living on the graces of some of my wonderful friends. I had an apartment I couldn't afford and after the divorce and having been railroaded into poverty, leaving everything behind and losing any of what I had left, I barely had enough time to find a poorly underpaid waitress job and didn't eat much at all for almost a year. I went from a difficult time losing weight at a size 14 to a barely able to keep my clothes up size 2. I was in a constant state of fight or flight for a year during the divorce. I experienced what many would consider "war conditions." And I was so despondent. And I had no will left to live--yet freedom from oppression and lies and being degraded constantly was a better alternative than living on the edge of having nothing left. I was even forced to stay away from my children, bullied by the courts, and threatened to be thrown in jail if I didn't give what I had left to my ex for child support. But I had me--my mind, my Spirit and my independence.

So as I realize how far I have come, I am reminded of how my life is amazing! I have a beautiful family, have all of my children AND many more! I have a wonderful partner, loving and honorable friends, a refrigerator full of yummy organic and natural food, all the amenities I could ask for! I have internet and heat and Netflix and a new bank account and school and my teachers and healers and.... See, there is an abundance to be grateful for! But was I grateful for what I had back 14 years ago? Yes. But in a different way; I was grateful I was able to start over, but held so much resentment for the way I was treated.

It is SO easy to be "happy" when we are warm and comfortable and surrounded by love! But those times when life throws us curve balls, when we are thinking about whether we are going to pay our rent or feed our children, those times when you find out your partner is more interested in watching adult entertainment than in spending time with you, those moments when you find yourself with a bottle of vodka in bed with you at night, or when you realize you can't take care of yourself let alone others, those are the moments when gratefulness is the LAST feeling you have running around your brain...

The most difficult experience I had threaded throughout all these days of extreme sadness was the fact that I was completely rejected and judged by so many others who claimed to be Spiritual leaders and teachers and even supposed friends. My kids' father lied to everyone about me (I found the emails and had many conversations with those who told me his intentions). My family cut me off from any support. And remember, I wasn't a drug addict or party animal or anything remotely resembling a deviant. My condition after divorce, however, resembled these archetypes after I had nothing left to hold onto. My friends, those that claimed to be so godly, were the first to run like rats from a sinking ship.

It is funny--it was the new friends I made that took me in, cared for me, made sure I was fed and had a roof over my head. These friends were my new Pagan, Wiccan, Atheist and Buddhist friends. In fact, I am still grateful to be friends with many of them today! I felt amazing, unconditional love from them! I was richly blessed with compassion. It is because of these experiences that I found that silver lining in the darkness of such a turbulent life journey. Much like the Biblical references to the "Good Samaritan", I was rescued not by those in my circles, but those that had the most compassion! (Thank you to those who cared for me--Deborah and Brooke, Mary, Missy, Casey, and even Eric and of course David! And also to my many friends who were there for me as well, Michael, Kat, Kimi, Kaye, Tripp, Jason, and the rest of the Saint Simons gang! You all know who you are and will always be remembered forever...)

The reason I even bring up these multitudes of experiences today is because I want all my readers to know that in my pursuit to find wholeness, peace and wisdom, I had to experience so much pain so I can understand what those around me are experiencing. This was my Buddha's journey--just like in the story of Siddhartha Gautama. The Buddha began his journey in extreme wealth, sheltered from the outside world. Then he encountered every one of life's traumas--poverty, sickness, disease, death--and finally woke up to his purpose. When he was awakened, he left his comfortable palace lifestyle and with the help of a chariot driver, he was able to sneak out of the kingdom to go and find his people and see the suffering he had only recently encountered. When he was long on his journey, he was at the point of starvation when a village girl took him in and gave him rice and milk. Her generosity was rewarded with the ability to conceive her son according to the story. Many of these karmic changes are written about in the wisdom texts--direct blessings given for kindness and compassion. THIS is why I live the way I do and why I have chosen the life I have.

For my Christian friends, this similar parable is explained by Jesus in Matthew 25:35-40: For I was hungry, and you gave me meat: I was thirsty, and you gave me drink: I was a stranger, and you took me in: naked, and you clothed me: I was sick, and you visited me: I was in prison, and you came to me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we you an hungered, and fed you? or thirsty, and gave you drink? When saw we you a stranger, and took you in? or naked, and clothed you? Or when saw we you sick, or in prison, and came to you? And the King shall answer and say to them, Truly I say to you, Inasmuch as you have done it to one of the least of these my brothers, you have done it to me. There are hundreds of examples about Jesus' generosity in the Christian Bible. For my Jewish friends, compassion is all but lost in the Old Testament conquests, but think about the wisdom of those who were altruistic and unconditional, like in the stories of Ruth and Hannah (notice they are both women!). Selfish pursuits to conquest, dominate and separate (the "chosen" ones) are examples of what our society now models in order to further the missions that are instilled by Fear. How many times have I heard that the War on Iraq was "God's Will"?? Really? Yes, I understand that there are Muslim factions too that take their beliefs to an extreme...but haven't we propagated these divisions? That can be as likely attributed to God as NOT feeding someone because they don't have the same belief system (but I see it happen in religious circles).

So now that I am on a Path to Enlightenment myself, I am attracting so many who are a part of my world that are from all walks of life! I found on all my journeys that one thing resonated throughout--either those around me understood true loyalty and compassion and the tenets of Unconditional Love, or they were held back by their comfort zone, false superiority and judgments. What a stark contrast! Now there are those I met who were more the Conditional types that have had their own awakenings and have come around to show great strides in love, compassion and service. And then I have seen those who I thought were on the path to understanding who have been caught up by societal norms, money, dogma or just plain complacency. I often see that those who can't handle change or are confronted with a challenge often stick their heads in the sand. I think this is what happened to some of my friends from my youth when I was in the middle of the divorce--I don't think any of them could handle the challenge to their own belief systems.

The Difference Between "Us V. Them" and "Us AND Them"

In my journeys the last many years, I have encountered a stark contrast in our society that has propagated and fed into Fear. If there ever was a societal basis behind the idea of a Satan or a Devil, it is the Fear that leads to separatism. I see it actually the most prominently in the majority movements that revolve around religious ideologies, especially the main 3 in our country: Christianity, Judaism and Islam. I am NOT by any means saying ALL people of faith fall into this! In fact many of you (those that would actually READ this) are much more understanding, educated, open-minded and/or enlightened to the True nature of the purpose behind belief systems in the FIRST place. Those that promote, preach and feed into separatism are creating the basis for disharmony that continues to flourish in our society.

Americans are most susceptible to it! See, we are not only subjected to the barrage of national, political hype, but we are also conditioned to choose "sides". We have national sports teams that compete against others. We have inflated loyalty to these teams and our passions behind them. Why else would there be violent encounters at games if we didn't have such conditioning? I see it in our politics even more starkly. During the elections last year, there was such a division in which "side" to vote for, when it was such a farce--neither choice was going to be favorable for the actual people of our country, because the "Us" and "Them" were not Democrats and Republicans but rather the Privileged and Non-Privileged. But this is overlooked in a society that is trained to "take sides."

Remember in grade school when you had to be on a "team"? When we were growing up, our gym teacher Coachie (that's what we called him) would choose two students and those two students had to take turns choosing teams. This led to a few students always being chosen last or feeling unwanted. It was typical. I remember times when I was one of the "choosers" and I would consciously choose based on who I thought NEEDED to be chosen rather than who was most popular, athletic or enthusiastic. I remember it being like a contest. It was so much pressure! But it taught me early to think about the choices I made long before there was a theory/principle behind it. It just was.

Not all children are born with the gift of seeing the best in others, the Divine Child, as I was. I can honestly say it wasn't always true and I wasn't always a thoughtful kid. I hurt people, just like I was hurt. I wasn't complacent by any means! And I was susceptible to peer pressure and made some poor decisions in puberty because of it (most involving dating and friendships--I wasn't exposed to challenging vices until much later). But even then, I knew that the ONLY way to be a great young woman was to be kind, generous, and giving even to a fault. And so it happened that I was part of a group of loving, non-judgmental youth, but we too were separated because of our faith. And in our home town, there were many groups that spent their time "converting" other youth to their causes, to joint their youth groups, to live in this bubble of same-faith community. Since leaving the nest of singular understanding, I have found that this can only go so far. I commend those that have taken the leap and gone into mission work or some kind of service. But for many, it has just allowed a generation of separatists to continue to enforce the ideology onto a new generation of children, and the societal divisions based on Fear are growing wider.

I know many didn't want to be friends in High School because of my Christian stand. In contrast to the fear-based ideologies though, I was just super zealous. See, it was in my own understanding of Divine Love that I wanted to share it with everyone, which was a bit too pushy for many of my classmates. Later in life, when it came down to who actually stood by me from that group of friends, only my best friends Tom and Kelly have been there for me the whole time. Tom didn't hang out with our little "religious" group, but we have been siblings since grade school. And Kelly, even in spite of our differences in beliefs now, has always been a true and giving friend.

Then, I believe the reason my life was such a dichotomy was the extreme difference in Conditional and Unconditional Love. As explained in the last couple of chapters, I have been blessed with the understanding of seeing others as I see myself BECAUSE of the Divine connection I choose. But even those who claim to be connected with the Divine are sorely off-base when they feed into the agenda that being kind is ONLY reserved to those that believe what they do. Do you see this? Which side do YOU choose to be on?

So to become more "Us AND Them" we must also take a look at how we envision those that don't believe, look or associate with us. Movies often depict the extreme in society. The ultra-wealthy grow up to either be superior in their actions and treatment of others, or they do something good with their lives to help humanity. But there is a HUGE difference in offering service to the world to make yourself look good and the acts of true genuine service! When we reach out of our world and find those that are hurting, poor, suffering, homeless, do we judge their condition? Or do we see them as we see ourselves? Wasn't I just in that same boat, TWICE in this lifetime? Most of you know me and understand I have reconstructed my life just like I have adapted to and reconstructed my faith. Many of you look at me as successful. But would you have asked if I needed help when I had nowhere to go? Would you have attempted to understand why I was lying near-dead on the side of the road or would you have walked around to the other side of the street? And not just me, but those that live in your own community?

Change the Mentality and the Faith Will Follow

I am not asking for many of you to take a radical leap. There is often an underlying ideology already that allows us to easily see the connections in humanity once we are on the path to Divine living. But the roadblock to seeing through the eyes of the Source is this little itching virus of separation that feeds off our energy by creating the drama of "Us V. Them". Folks, I have my moments. Once again I am human! I have a deep disdain for prejudice and even more disdain for hate crimes. I tend to "judge" those that commit these types of actions and I have to take a step back and figure out why. I don't believe in the turn-the-other-cheek idea completely. If I am slapped once, I usually fight back the second time I am struck (hahahaha!) but I do believe in the importance of understanding why someone would be able to live in Fear.

But take a look at what you THINK when you see others. What do you create in your world when you have a conflict with a relative, a coworker, someone on the train, a person standing in line in front of you at the grocery store? How do you respond to others when they are kind or when they are stressed? What is your natural reaction to people standing on the corners begging for money? Where do you find yourself on the side of thinking when it comes to religion, politics and nationality? And what is the most memorable experience you have about handling a situation with someone who was or is hateful? Or do you stay in such a tight-knit group that this would never happen because you are too busy talking to those within your own circles?

I want to give you something to plant in your mind as you finish this: Who are YOU in these scenarios? And would it change your life radically if you chose to find a way to be less selfish and more kind? Would you find peace if you didn't have whatever Fear it is in your heart and mind? If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I want to start getting some feedback from my friends and family about these blogs--feel free to contact me and let's have a chat about what is it that may be eating away at you. Once you begin mentally shifting your focus on treating EVERYONE as you would want to be treated, regardless of your actions, you WILL find a way to open your Faith in both Humanity and the Divine. Take the time to check it out yourself! Do one good deed, a pay-it-forward, for ONE person this week. Then tell me how you feel about your life and where you are going!

C'mon, jump aboard the Peace Train with me! Yeah, maybe I AM just a hippie in Mommy's clothing, but I have never truly been happier. It really does look great on this side!

Chapter 6--Unconditional Love Leads To an Unconditional Life

I began writing my thoughts and journeys down in September 2009. I will eventually edit all of my material as I have gained great wisdom and knowledge since beginning this journey. However, I can see the progression is greatly enhanced by this revelation: That we must live our lives in Unconditional Love. It seems idealistic. Many have told me I wear "rose-colored glasses." But the Truth comes out when one finally crosses that Threshold into understanding a connection with the Divine and not allowing daily circumstances to break that connection, but rather enhance it. It is living in one's Center, finding one's God, having one's Divine inspiration...it all relates to crossing a bridge that when on the other side seems like such a fond memory to a new beginning.

In Chapters 1 and 2, I created a definition for dichotomy and balance in life. My desire was to cover examples of life's contrasts--the Yin and Yang of "good" and "bad" thought, which ultimately leads to questioning WHY do we perceive something is one way or the other? The conclusions became that everything happens for the purpose of 1. Creating contrast in life lessons along the way to allow us to see if we are in line with our higher learning path and 2. Defining experiences and people in our lives as those we are able to connect with Conditionally or Unconditionally.

In Chapters 3 and 4, I define what IS Love. I go into detail over the definitions of Love in its many forms and then how it connects to us in relationships. But these definitions are limited by our worldly scope of Love if they separate our individual self from our Divine Creator. It may come across as academic, but it is in finding that Love is so diverse that we often find ourselves categorizing our feelings for others based on our definitions rather than what we see in them by "walking a mile in their moccasins." These definitions allow relatability. I absolutely love seeing those around me through that lens! In spite of our own thoughts, behaviors and attractions, we still have a Divine connection that shows us what we need to learn. So what is your goal in this lifetime? To see the thread in everything around you? Or to allow yourself to be limited by what you are told to be the truth?

The reason I am asking the choice here is much like when Morpheus asks Neo if he wants the red or the blue pill in the movie The Matrix. Once your eyes have seen beyond the scope in front of you, once you become blind to skin color, age, race, religion, region and social class, you also see that connection that allows us to rise in consciousness and elevate humanity. Now, I have seen many who have been given the SAME choices as I and challenges as I have and they chose to remain where they were in their own reality. I see it all the time now because it is so contrasting to what I feel and believe. In fact, I am often "accused" of being and thinking OUTSIDE reality. I do. This is a given once you cross into the Threshold of Divine Living. I don't have to engage with those that believe in the limitation of what our awakening allows. However, I still choose to commune with those that understand being alive in our world is to be open to the infinite possibility, vibrate on the level of Love, and reach out to those around us who are also striving to find this path.

So what I discovered is that those around me are a reflection of my Universe and I often find the Truth between experiences, encounters, words and reflections within these connections! So using this format, I am looking at what I see in the World and what I see in the Collective Consciousness and find a way to bridge these worlds together--Earth and Divine--by observing my world from the outside-the-box point-of-view! And within that framework, I find thankfulness for my entire journey!

Gratefulness for the Journey to the Truth

I have to admit that the switch didn't happen overnight, even after experiencing challenges that would push many other more open individuals to that moment of enlightenment. It was a lot more subtle for me on my journey. As I expressed in the last chapter, I had a lot of Conditional Love examples that led me to learn more and more about what path I did NOT want to take. I chose to allow friendships, partnerships, and even family relationships to remain long after they had become negative or self-serving BECAUSE I love them. I remember incidences throughout my life of friends that used me for my talent, my looks, my intellect and my faith. Many of the "vampire energies" that I have allowed to exist came in through the door of love. I was incapable of separating Love and Service from being used. This was also a byproduct of my upbringing, belief system and social conditioning. But I am grateful for all my life lessons!

Now we have this crazy thing called Facebook that we use to connect with other people. I have had many relationships reconnected through this virtual forum. It's amazing! Think of this--millions of us connect in order to share information, stories, memories and often ideologies and passions. It has been a brilliant social experiment for the world! So many other forums offered similar means of connecting for many different reasons. Since the internet has become a household entity, we have had Myspace around for a while for connecting, Twitter for networking, LinkedIn for business, Meetup.com for hosting groups, and now we have all kinds of virtual sites for marketing, class reunions, dating, and sharing interests. We have the giants like Google, Wikipedia, and all these virtual news sources to feed us information. The World is at our fingertips! And what do many of us do? Pass pictures of kittens to one another and play online video games. I find it quite fascinating!

So I have discovered that if I use all these mediums, virtually post my expressions of Love and Light to whomever in my Universe is listening (including this blog!), I am creating a space for allowing others to come into my world as well and to open to my awareness. Many are already there and come as a friend and peer in this Journey. And these are the folks I keep attracting. I find myself feeling such gratefulness and community thanks to these connections...many of which are still only virtual. I do attempt to create as many face-to-face connections as possible. In fact, that is what I live for--traveling, journeys to see other people, connecting to find out of there are ways to get these messages out to many. I collaborate when I write. I depend on my closest friends and family for guidance as well as keeping my focus on reality. And I find that I still resonate with those who want to live an altruistic lifestyle. I desire a gift-society living and I am creating this life for myself and living this way with my family.

Several years ago I had a series of crossroad moments that allowed me to move toward these directions and attract these kinds of communities. I have covered the challenges (Conditional Love) in relationships. I encountered issues that included commitment to myself and my path, the ability to transform a relationship with loving kindness, and the abrupt ending of those relationships that vibrated into different directions for whatever reason. To expand these patterns in relationships, I was recently reminded of the connections I have made with other movie producers. I have also been partnered with many of these business relationships, but when I set the intention of looking for a mutual ground, I am often met with resistance. There are still many who live for themselves but do not VALUE the work done, monetarily or otherwise. Since it has no "value" then the work is not considered work at all and often I have been taken for granted by my generosity. These moments then defined my movement.

For instance, I began this Journey of Enlightenment while I was working for a movie producer as his Network Specialist. We had a great working relationship but no contracts. He showed me how to focus on creating the environment and life you want by putting my Spiritual attractions to work in our business. It seemed to work for a time. I told him I needed to be paid for my work or I couldn't work with him anymore and he told me no. So I learned a lot from our agreement, but wasn't honored in pay or for what I was worth, which became a question: what AM I worth? Then I moved on to partner with other people, learned to run a production company myself, and have made a choice to step out of that arena when a new path presented itself returning to acting and learning to master screenwriting. The more I plan to produce and create works that are high-minded, the more high-minded the connections I am making. And my lesson--self-worth--reflects now even more strongly when contrasted by those who don't see that within themselves.

Since my movie producer partner faded away into the distance, we always come around to reconnect in one way or another. He unfortunately lost his girlfriend at the same time my ex died in 2011, so we had a reason to communicate on a personal level. My world has become greater thus the distance between degrees of separation are smaller. I am actively involved with people in my spiritual community in Denver. I am also working in partnership to write and create several entities that will reflect our strong ideologies on film. I find that we all know a lot of the same people. Many chose to "take sides" when I left my last relationship because he too was widely connected. But those that have stayed "friends" (whether virtually or on a regular basis) are showing that they don't have a need to be Conditional with me! This is a great progress I have had with my friendships--they continue to reconnect and it is happening with more and more friendships as I write.

Seeking the Truth from Humanity's Reflection

So not only do I have these great mediums to express my gratefulness, these connections that are inspired by the Divine, but I also have the blessings of the connections to the Truth. Another pattern I encountered in my Journey was finding the right Spiritual Truths when I asked for them! Remember, many of Life's Lessons come from a yearning to seek an answer, even if it appears in a form unpleasant or difficult to handle. I have learned about my own strong desire to be independent because I am watching my daughter mimic and reflect my very essence when I was her age and in college. I also see a reflection of my awakening in the young people I have encountered the last few years in my travels and here in our spiritual groups. When they have an "ah-hah moment" I am reminded of my own blessings. I am also reminded of my humanity when I see a young person fail to achieve their goal and end up in disappointment. I can comfort them and it also comforts me to know that not everything happens as we set out to create it. BUT if we are open to it, the Higher Path will lead us to where we are suppose to be going.

I have a great example. Often the truth of the world's view comes out of the mouths of babes. Children often indicate a gauge to our wellness by their words, often just blurted out. I have had nephews and nieces and friends' children tell me things like, "Why do you look so different? Why are you so (skinny, big, old, etc)?" My first thought becomes, "What have I done to my body?" Oftentimes in stress I have allowed my body to fluctuate and my body appearance changes when I am in these situations--thus this thought gives me an indicator on what I might have to look at to change. In my experience I have had to look at the reasons behind the questions as well, so I don't have negative thoughts at any time about my appearance per se nor about the child that asked the question by any means! I have been told by another child that I am the most beautiful woman they have seen! (That was one of my adoring nephews). But I do take these signs into consideration IF I feel I may be on the wrong track for some reason. Yet many times I see this as a reflection of the World in general as to how I am intended to be by their standards. So am I focusing on the wrong thoughts? Does this analysis make sense to you? Do you judge or reflect yourself to the world in a way that is allowing your light to shine through as the Creation that you are? So when they ask, "Why do you look so different?" you can answer, "because I am so joyful!" Thinking within as a reflection of the Divine rather than on the surface became an imperative leap of understanding in my journey.

Children are well-known for pointing out other things too. One child used to ask me, "Do you believe in Jesus like my mommy does?" to which I answered, "I do believe that Jesus was here for a reason. I believe you are here too, right in front of me, for a reason! We all exist here for a reason." Another used to ask me, "How old are you really?" to which I answered, "How old do you want me to be?" One child asked me why I don't have my own house. Another wants to know why I have chosen not to buy another car. I then look at the Path I have chosen and I am grateful for what I have decided to do with each choice along the way. I also have had children ask me why I was in a specific relationship, which in a nutshell was an litmus test to what I was reflecting and often asking myself at the same time. These are all thoughts stemmed from a societal awakening that they are experiencing. These thoughts intrigue me as I examine their origins--faith, social status, possessions--but often they are indicators upon examination of the way the World looks at me. So I ask, am I too seeing myself from a worldly point-of-view or am I focusing on what I can do for my family, for my community and those around me? The answer more and more has been I am on the RIGHT PATH and everything else becomes superfluous.

So how did I take all of these encounters into consideration? I began to think of myself in Divine terms as I encountered people, as having the Spirit within and seeing their Spirit as well. And these definitions of self I reflected back to those around me. Going back to seeking for Spiritual Truths, when I began searching for peers and teachers who I could resonate with, I sought for those around me to be forthright, but for the right reasons! Then I began to attract those who would call me out on my limitations, stop me from thinking Conditionally, and give me an honest feedback to where I was heading. I had a few close friends in 2009 when I began this writing that would reflect with me and point me in the right direction. Now I am blessed with hundreds of new connections throughout the world!

The Rest of My Journey Up To Now

So how did I cross this bridge over to Unconditional Love? As I concluded above, I first chose to take a path starkly different than the ones my relationships were on (especially after leaving Colorado and visiting my old stomping grounds in Chicago the Summer of 2009 with my daughter and my best friends Tom and Greg). Then I found compassion from those who understood my major life changes, especially since I left the negativity AND all my belongings behind. All I had at that point was the car I was driving and the suitcases I was carrying. I then found my self-worth through exploring my relationship with others in business and chose to work in positions only making what I was worth. There were a couple of exceptions to the rule this past year while settling into new environments, but that is to be expected. And I finally decided to look at myself through the lens of the Divine, rather than the World.

I no longer need material things, though I enjoy some comforts and I have excellent taste because I love to decorate. I use the skills I have learned basically everyday, from business to parenting to leadership from an Unconditional point of view. I analyze everything I do and for what purpose it has come into my life at the time that it does. I write out my conflicts and lessons in this form, in my screenwriting developments, in novel and in poetry. I embrace rather than run from emotions and I stand up for myself when I am wronged. I am not passive or quiet in my passions, in fact I am rather outspoken and forthright when asked. I don't limit my conversations to help others unless it has a non-Unconditional based motive, like those that want my attention for romantic pursuits rather than on a true friendship level. And I have found myself on the other side of these realizations in a wonderful, loving family environment!

My family life here in Denver is wonderful! It is exactly where we are meant to be. We are learning gifts from one another because we choose to cherish one another! This is such a simple thought but it is powerful and inspires greatness from all of us. I am running a business with my family, enjoying raising a step-daughter, looking for ways to expand our business and my writing through travel, creating concepts that will elevate our purposes and give the world around us a little more hope. I accept my humanity in the forms of the occasional illness, a momentary lapse of reason, an outburst of frustration every once in a while. I am a Spiritual person here having a Physical experience on this planet! This is how I look at any situation--through a Spiritual filter.

I also believe in Karma. Everyone who I have wronged I have either had a chance to reconcile or have been able to let go of the situation. There are a few exceptions because of a continued conflict, mostly revolving around my children. I allowed myself to be treated in an inferior way by not placing a value on my own skills and talents as a mother, guardian and partner in previous relationships. Now my wonderful partner Mark and our adorable other-mother Amber and our daughter all seek to honor one another's gifts and I feel so blessed to be venerated for what I do. I love my life and I am finally finding that "home" where before I was always running, travelling, seeking the answers elsewhere. I find the beauty of the Universe's Unconditional Love in energy given to create, write, sing, meditation, honor and thank one another. And now it is time to do something with this Unconditional Love and Divine Knowledge! This is the next step on my Journey to Enlightenment--where should we put all our love and overflowing passion?

I Am Made of Precious Scales - The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin

This is going to be the next part of the book I have started. Any feedback or interest in the writing, please let me know.

One of the elements of passion I will begin to explore more in this journey is that of humor. After all I experiences of Tragedy, I find myself drawn more and more to humor, to Life’s Comedy, and this is reflected daily by my partner. He has a great voice for his cartoons and often he can mimic famous actors or movies in jest during conversation. As I chose the title for this segment, of course, I can hear his voice laughingly doing Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” as he says, “The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin” in his creepiest voice. So I put the lotion in the basket…and we go back to the story after a fit of laughter.

The burning in my lungs when I began this reflection took a long time to heal but finally subsided. The virus or whatever it was that slowed down my momentum is no longer hindering me. Now it is just blazing hot and I am in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record—we have been burned in Florida, stifled in Chicago and now overheated and lethargic in Denver. The return to the Foothills of Colorado was not a cool and calm welcoming to me like my past returns. We are blazing hot! My partner and I have had some crazy ups and downs while we were on the road, but now it is time to take what we have found on our adventure and bring it home. Our Journey together is not over, it is just beginning to take root.

The flight of this Dragon has been a powerful force, not just in me, but in the reflection of the man with whom I have found friendship and affection. It is funny. I gave up looking for a partner and he appeared right when I needed him. This is by no means a fairy tale ending. The seven months we have been travelling has brought the two of us together but it has by no means created the powerful production company our earthly partnership had intended to manifest---not at the moment, not yet of course.

The wounded Dragon has come out of her cave. She saw her reflection in the pool of water before her and she was frightened. She knew that in spite of his appearance, and that it was just as fierce as hers, she was not ready to look into the face of the Mirror. She soared high, gathered speed, shrieked loudly, and perched atop a high mountain where she shed her skin. She was growing in strength but it was only the first part of her growth. And when she returned to the pool to look again, she realized that in her own reflection, she caught his eyes as well and they both had grown.

This is truly how I have pictured my last two years of rapid change. I am finding my voice again. And have found my fire. This is where, once I finally realized where we had been, that upon looking back at our friendship, our joining forces, and our travels, there were really two trails of smoke behind us the whole time. We have grown together. And in spite of the pains, I am grateful he truly was there with me.

I began this path of growth and rebirth when I moved away from Colorado, but I have returned so many times because this is where I am drawn. About three years ago, when I was living in Miami, I thought that once I was geographically free from the torrid relationship I had left, I would find the “one true love” of my life. (I will describe the meaning of the relationship in subsequent chapters—after all, he too was one of my soul mates. Thus the quest to solve why I am here began). But finding my partner didn’t happen. I was sorely disappointed. I had opened many psychic channels which gave me the knowledge of the destruction around me but also gave me the hope of a partner to come along and join me. I have felt alone so many times. I remember often walking around South Beach or even riding the buses in Denver or the Loop in Chicago and I would stare aimlessly upward and beg for an explanation: had I become so tough from my life lessons, so removed from the possibility of a gentle relationship to break through these hard scales I had been given?

Around the same time, I met an executive producer in Colorado who helped to pull me out of the ashes after I left the destruction of my broken dreams behind. He gave me a purpose and I learned everything I could about the entertainment industry, specifically about how to produce a feature film. I have been on stage for years. I picked up acting after the divorce again, playing a lead role in a major performance that set my soul on fire again. I auditioned for many additional roles and felt the stings of many rejections. But I have found a path in film from which I have found comfort in my age and my appearance. Yet it was behind the scenes, dreaming and setting goals to create these beautiful entities called films, that I have found a higher level of passion. I am grateful for his part in igniting this fire in me.

Playing with the big dogs of feature filmmaking is not a walk in the park. You can’t pee on a few trees and expect to find the miracle in such a safe and landscaped environment. Yes, anyone can pick up a camera these days and make and independent film. But it is in the details of producing that the real magic happens. So I set out to learn everything and be the best top dog I could be.

The miracle didn't happened. Nor did the money. Nor did any of the films I worked so diligently to peddle for over a year. And the executive producer moved on to another female intern and refused to pay me what I was worth. So I left to start my own ventures. I then partnered with a new and exciting filmmaker and close friend in Chicago. We started the dreaming process again after we had a separation—the relationship of course got in the way of progress. The renewal happened about the time I had returned to Colorado for the last time from Miami, and when my world fell apart, I hung up that hat for a long while. So I didn’t work for the executive producer any longer and the partnership with the filmmaker too had dissipated in time. I was not ready.

After a year growing and working in the Spiritual community, I built a solid foundation of friends and networks for a youth program for other sensitive and psychic kids. My gifts at that point had been new, like the growing Phoenix I had become. So, I figured, we could all grow together. This was my blessing in disguise when the one I left years before suddenly took his own life. It was my community that held me and cried with me and was there for me. My sister in Texas was empathetic and for most of our lives, we have strengthened each other and I commiserated with her on many occasions. She knew all about my life. And she and I both share that Highly Sensitive personality. Thus we also share that propensity to choose destructive relationships as well as that conflict we call addiction. So many of us exist on this planet—the downtrodden and the lost and the single mothers who have had to fight to survive, especially for some reason in this supposed-modern day and age of reason in the U.S.A. The system never fails to hold down those who try to crawl out of the hole. So I figured, why not build a ladder and we can all crawl out together?

This ladder, or ascending path, is both the Spiritual one and also the career path that I am creating. How I see it is this: when the visions of our dreams succeed, both in reality and financially, I will be able to bring alongside those that we choose to honor for their part in our lives….actors, producers, writers, creators of all sorts. And we can create these visions together. So sure enough, my sister and I have joined forces to write out stories before and we will continue to do so. This is what sparked me to write in the first place, and our first screenplay together is still going to be our best story.

My filmmaker friend in Chicago has also had the Vision. She too has had the rough experiences of divorce, betrayal, raising teenagers and fighting against the odds to create solid films that will become legends. The filmmaker has succeeded where many have failed. Her vision is strong and that is why we went to Chicago as part of our recent journey, to join forces and create together. Businesses don’t happen overnight, and we helped to start the foundation for what she is building, but our company and our vision is to plant roots in both the Spiritual community and in the movie industry right here in our home territory. And we plan to combine the two.

So there are paths to show all sorts of enlightened ideals through film, television and media. We have the anarchy of the internet—that is enough to get out messages, one viral stroke of luck at a time. And it works. But this method doesn’t work for everyone. Fortunately, we all have a niche we are trying to fill so we will find like-minded souls to help us with our journeys. For instance, my filmmaker friend is American Latino, so her entertainment preferences and filmmaking choices will revolve around creating quality and celebratory pieces for her market. My partner and I have a mutual love for science fiction and fantasy (you would never guess with all the Dragon references, would you?), so our goals are aligned together with many other partnering filmmakers, writers, producers and artists. We have several of our productions set to be animated, because that’s what we desire to see immortalized and on the big screen.

My scales have grown strong and they are shiny. I am blessed. Many only look at their scars as hideous flaws or monstrous outgrowths of fear. Often growing a tail or horns is considered abnormal for a dragon. But if one thinks they are a beast of a different sort, of course that makes sense. It’s not all fluffy unicorns and angel wings that grow out of strength and courage. And not all fire-breathers understand their gifts either. Many forget what they have endured and jump right into the same fire over and over again. I am guilty of that myself obviously—I am an expert at repeat mistakes. But it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate my scales, my scars, my tail, my claws and my fire.

In the same way, not all filmmakers have to have a happy-ever-after ending and not all good guys get the girl and save the day. Not all producers have to use blood and gore and zombies either, but heck if that isn’t the most popular genre of our time right now. If I could rationalize zombies becoming enlightened then maybe I could fit in to that trend. Meanwhile, I will stick to what I know, allegories and Dragons and fantasy. So creating visual fireworks with a camera, a green screen and CGI is real to me and my world. I would love to share my prolific world with others. And I am doing so one step at a time. My partner and I are writing and creating fantastical tales and sharing our vision. And we have agreed to keep going until someone sees our vision and helps us run with it (with or without zombies). So our tenacity will feed our hunger and we will shed our scales to grow greater and stronger with each experience.

My partner and I have had many firsts together on this trip. For the sake of our fans, present and future, and for the edification of our children, I will have to delineate these adventures thoroughly in blogs (chapters) to come. Since this series of writings comes from my heart and my perspective, I will do my best to fairly portray both sides of each story as much as possible. That being said, remember, I am not easy to get along with as a partner, wife or whatever I am called to those who are with me. And my stubbornness to be independent has been the death of many relationships before, so it was a Fool’s leap to get into a small vehicle and drive from Colorado to Texas to Louisiana to Florida and then up to Illinois only to find ourselves on our way back to Colorado. And as I mentioned, all this travelling took place in the last seven months.

So we will tell you of our experiences, our revelations and our voluminous collection of stories. But many you will have to wait and see on film. Meanwhile, as we are writing and producing our films, I will reflect on these lessons while elaborating on our newest adventures as well.

Now the Dragon is ready to take flight! She spreads out her enormous wings and cries joyfully as she dives from the rocky cliff where her fears were left behind. She knows she is her own being, her own reflection, but she seeks out the others just the same. The strength is not in her solitude but in collecting her family around her. As she soars above the dry and wasted land that once was lush and cool and green, she is saddened by the destruction. There were many fires, many souls lost, too many dreams dashed upon those rocks. Many have tried to blame the fires and the destruction on her and her kind. But every being is responsible for his or her own path and choices. Her flight is short—she must land to strengthen her wings before continuing. When she finds her own inner strength and her own power, she too can join in the healing of the land. She realizes, as she descends into the valley, that this is why she is here.

Chapter 4: Relationships---People Pressure and the Gift of Discernment

Once you begin to familiarize yourself with the worlds of love that benefit your environment—your agape (your being, doing, wants, needs and desires), you will begin to see that there are objects, experiences and paths you don’t need! This is a great revelation for those who are bombarded with peer pressure or feel compelled to act or look like what we are “told” is successful or beautiful or popular. People will begin to see that your inner being is reflecting more and you will notice others around you that want to know what you have been doing that makes you so, well, different.

The truth is once you start looking at everything you are given as a gift—your family, your friends, your city, your body, your situation—you will desire to be centered more and more. You will be blessed with more and more abundance of gifts because the Universe responds to your gratefulness as a reflection of the receiving of gifts. Going back to the example of the visualization: Do you really desire that which you visualized? Do you need that cell phone (whatever object you chose)? Is it important to you for the right reason (your beliefs)? And can you look upon it objectively as just that—an experience for this lifetime?

Let me explain a little more before I am ready to explore another “world.” You may ask, “Why would I receive more blessings by being more grateful?” Well, the Universe sees everything as a gift! The “good” and the “bad” are gifts we receive regardless of their initial origin. Okay, bear with me. IF we have thoughts that go out to the Universe/Collective Consciousness that are constantly “negative” in nature by definition, we will receive what we send out. It’s like a radio system that allows us to gauge the outcome of our thoughts, whether or not we are aware of it, that allows us to receive what we believe we deserve!! Is this starting to make sense?

If we believe we deserve what the world around us gives us, we cannot change the outcome of our thoughts which then give us what we have sent out. Therefore if we constantly think upon the negative of the Universe—disasters, accidents, and our fears of death—we create those realms around us. NOW I am not saying we subconsciously want cancer or a terminal illness, but these too are given to us as part of our life experience! It’s a weird concept, I know, but it’s true.

Now, being grateful for everything, including disasters and illnesses, then allows the Universe to give us the experiences and needs we desire by returning higher vibrations. We find disasters heart-wrenching and we are saddened by the loss of human lives, especially if they are around us or we are directly impacted by them. But after the sadness dissipates, what can we find grateful about those experiences? Maybe that we are alive!! Or that they are not suffering from illness or poverty or anything that physically challenged them. Or that the loss creates awareness of our own humanity (this will definitely be explored later).

We desire what we need. And we think about these needs. Our needs may be elemental like housing and food and shelter, but they can be more in depth such as recovering from a loss and safe travel and passage. They can also be the higher thoughts that can help a child that is raised impoverished to achieve their goals—they are focused more on the outcome and whatever it takes by the gifts of the challenges of their environment.

So again, I challenge you to look within. What do you think? What is going through your head? Do you sit and watch the news and find yourself miserable in your daily life? Or do you find outlets to learn that create a more pleasant environment? Remember I talked about agape love? What is your environment like?

People Are Strange—Creating our Own Worlds in the Company of Others

In this chapter, I want to explore philia love – the relationships we have with other souls who connect us together with our world. You love those who are around you for different reasons. You love your parents (possibly), or siblings, or friends, or spouse, or coworkers, or the guy who serves you coffee in the mornings, as a way of reflecting your own love for humanity. It’s the construct of the human “family” that gives you that kind of love. We are all created to look, sound, and breathe alike. I mean, yes, we may not understand each other exactly (some people speak other languages, others have a different physical appearance), but we all are born, live and die. Right?

Interestingly, our thoughts internally are also fed and nurtured by our relationships with others around us. For instance, we may spend an hour everyday meditating, focusing on our dreams, imagining a beautiful world around us. But as soon as the meditation and quiet time is over, we enter the real world and spend the other 16 hours or so in the day with other people awake. Then if we are lucky, we can focus our minds in our dreams on those pleasant experiences we want to manifest unconsciously. But that is not always something we can remember.

So how do we see and react to those around us? Who is closest to you in your inner circle? Do you have intimate relationships with others, such as parents, children, or partners, who are a positive reflection of you, who tell you the good and the bad, and who can nurture your dreams and growth? This is all too often not a reality. It is usually those closest to us that are the most challenging to our growth.

Let’s dispel a major obstacle to this kind of relationship love: prejudice. We are taught to create a barrier between us and “them”. Do you have a “them” from whom you learned to be separate? Again, this goes back to your thoughts. Dig deep. Or maybe just look at the surface of those around you. What color is your skin? What color do you “see” yourself? This is not rocket science. Your eyes tell you that your skin is the shade you see it. Right? Now, what do you see around you with your closest relationships? What do you feel about the color of the skin of those around you?? Do you have any prejudices? Do you think to yourself, “those people are not related to me because they have a different skin color.” If so, we need to work on this before we move on.

More Than Skin Deep – Going Further Within

Now, seeing that those around us are the most challenging most often, did anyone in your family or your life teach you that we are different because of skin color? Okay, if that’s the case, then that’s where you start to peel away the layers of thought. Radical idea number one: Nobody is different because of skin color. That is a learned social construct, and it is not real. It is only as real as we make it out to be. We may not “relate” to someone because our parents, friends and family tell us that those of another “color” act or think differently from us. But do they really? I mean, don’t they too worry about what others think of them? Don’t they too have parents and siblings and friends? Don’t they too face challenges because of their personal experiences. Of course they do. So what separates us by color is only based on a system of irrational fear and false teachings.

The first time I experienced a truly racist experience was in high school. We used to travel a lot with our acting competitions, called Speech Teams, throughout the Chicago area. I remember the reactions of my teammates going into predominantly racially differing neighborhoods and the false elicitations of fear. Once we traveled to a high school that had locks on the doors and metal detectors at the entrances. This was because there were gang problems within their city’s social systems. We never truly understood the challenge by analyzing our own reactions. All we knew was that they lived in a “different” world because they had to deal with local violence and prevention, whereas we did not have those challenges in our school.

Yet, the immediate association was that it was because they were African-Americans living in an inner city school system. Wow. How do we go from metal detectors and violence to skin color? We are taught this. So that is how we reacted—associating the two together. I can’t recall an exact comment from anyone on the team, I just remember the sentiments of uneasiness caused by the entranceway of the school.

Does this mean all African-American schools have that kind of violence because they are a violent group of people? Heck no! But we have to deal with the media’s idea of African-based countries and the violence and terrorism that is caused by the social constructs of some, not all, of these environmental systems. We see what has happened to dictatorships in Africa, the destruction to Haiti (most recently with the series of earthquakes that has changed their nation completely), the gang violence in major cities in our country, and the poverty that is associated within these communities.

But this has nothing to do with skin color. It has to do with hundreds of years of being told that skin color mattered that created systems of imbalance, like apartheid in South Africa and European-based dominance and slavery. These conditions exist. Yes. But does that mean that all babies born with brown or black-hued skin are violent? No way!! So why do we as a nation “label” and treat people differently?

How about you? Using more than just that example, how do you see people around you with different colored skin? Do you look upon them as equals? Or do you see that maybe your life lessons are not much different than theirs? Do you think that on this gigantic planet we call Earth that there may be people that have a different language or country or skin color that are more loving, more caring and more attentive to their compassionate, giving self than you? Of course there are. And does it not occur to you that maybe they have it better off because of whatever their situation because then they are given tools that we may not have in their society to learn to love fully?

One Big Happy Family – Learning to Love the World We Live In

Let’s step outside ourselves and our family for a moment. Evaluate your immediate surroundings. Take our your notebook. Write down your closest relationships. Include everyone you experience or have experienced in your lifetime thus far that has been close to you (remember, include those who are no longer with us):

• Parents. The obvious first relationship you had was with your parents. It may have or have not been one or both biological beings that created you. It may include a step-parent, a grandparent, or a guardian who raised you. Write them all down.
• Siblings. Write down everyone that you include as a sibling, biological, by marriage, or somehow connected to you through a parental figure.
• Immediate Family. Include grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and all relatives as far out as you can go. List everyone you know influences you from your family tree.
• First Friends. Who are the closest friends you had in your life? Think of who you talk to on your social networks. But also remember those who you grew up with in your neighborhood environment.
• Teachers, Mentors and Leaders. Do you remember all your grade school teachers? Can you remember who taught you music, art, or coached your little league team? Do you have a memory of your family’s religious leaders (pastors, priests, rabbis, and so on). Or your parents’ friends and the neighbor kids’ parents?
• Associates, Coworkers, and Classmates. Who were closest to you in your early years growing up? Who did you hang out with, and who did you have to see on a regular basis? What clubs, sports, activities were you in? And how well did you get to know them? Do you remember that one person from summer camp or from the playground? Do you have a memory of that family that lived down the street, or the classmates who were with you throughout your life in school?
• Societal Members. And finally, take a look at those in your community, now and before, who had some kind of impact on you for some reason.

Once you have written down all those you can remember (if you are like me, there will be dozens of names to recollect), you can start by taking a few at a time, or working through until you have them all down. Now, write next to each name all the physical characteristics you know about them--height, weight, ethnicity, appearance. Write down your first thought about that person. You don’t have to go into much detail, but now finally write an emotion you have about them.

This is going to be your relationship guide. This is how you associate yourself with other people. Once you finish a simple list, go back and read every word you wrote. Here’s what I want you to do:

1. Physical appearance is a non-judgmental characteristic. It is a given—they were born into this particular appearance. Therefore this is not going to influence how you look at them unless you see a difference in them that causes you to think of them as “different”. For instance, if they were in a wheelchair, you would look at them as “handicapped” physically in some way, but do you see them as more or less fortunate than you?

2. Take a look at your emotional response to each individual you listed. Why did you write that particular word? Or why did you use that particular description? This is thus what YOU see in them and in the world. NOT who they may be.

3. Now the fun part begins: Take each name, and each one’s characteristics and emotions, and find ONE thing per person you see in them when you knew them that is the same as something about YOU. This is the mirror from which I want to see all your relationships as we progress throughout these chapters. How do you see them in relationship to yourself?

Here are some good examples:

Mother – physical appearance is obviously like me since it is related to me biologically. Socially, she is very outgoing and talkative like me. Emotionally, I find she is different because she likes to talk about other people often to others, which is a source of major contention between us. Do I find I do that? Sometimes. But do I mean it to be mean? Not really. Thus, should I be careful about what I say to other people about those closest to me. This is a resounding yes.

Son – looks just like my family, like me and my brothers especially. Shy and reflective. Dry sense of humor. Loving. But also sometimes gets angry at injustices and loses his temper. Do I do that too? Of course I do. Do I let it get at me? Yes. And do I sometimes say things out loud that may be hurtful when I feel wronged? Well…where do you think he got that from?

Best friend in high school – Very talented, beautiful voice, loving, great mom, adoring wife, amazing as a spiritual leader. When we spent time together in the younger years, she was very insecure with her relationships with men before she was married. It was a direct reflection of what I too experienced. Our methodologies were different, but we were the same type of woman—physically attractive women with insecurities within ourselves that limited us intimately. She was able to overcome this within her marriage. I was not. But I remembered what I learned from her—how to stand up for myself and not be a “door mat” in relationships with men. But it worked within my social construct for a time, but I eventually outgrew the paradigm of a submissive wife. It didn’t work for me.

Cousin – Compassionate to me as an adult when my children and I were homeless and needed a place to stay. But angry and reactive to her own children, and unable to relate to mine. Jealousy and a negative reaction to me caused us not to talk any longer. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I have negative feelings of that summer? Not really, but I do feel bad that she felt let down by what she thought I was and was not doing—it took me a long time to find a good job and I felt I was not able to pay her and her husband back for their generosity. My kids were affected by her reaction to her own children, which came across as angry and negative. But in the end, we both felt wronged in some way. Do I want to hear from her again? Most definitely. And I always think the best about her and her family.

Most difficult boss – I worked for a man once who had all the money you could ask for but was never happy. This sounds like an allegory but I guarantee he does exist. He had a beautiful and famous wife, two intelligent and creative children, and a multi-million dollar home within which I worked. Was I a great employee? Not always. But did I learn from him anything? Yes. I learned I would never marry an unhappy person again, I would never yell at my children and treat them disrespectfully. But mostly I learned that a shrewd business man can run a really tight ship and still never have what he truly wants: joy in his life. Why strive for monetary success if you have to belittle others to get it? Does it make me question my decision to work for him? No, it was one of my lessons. Was I happy that time in my life? Not really, so I attracted the same type of unhappiness—appeared on the outside as altogether, but inside he must have felt as empty as I did.

I could go on and come up with hundreds of examples. I have lived a fully experienced life when it comes to relationships. I have met the poorest people on Earth who are surrounded by love and contentment because of their family. And I have met the wealthiest and most miserable people that I could ever know. I met movie stars who were really humble and had nice families. I met drug dealers who really only cared about their children and thus created that lifestyle out of necessity. I have met religious leaders who beat their children. And I have met talented artists who hate being exploited in the press. And yet I still encounter the hurt and the downtrodden. What am I learning from them?