The Phoenix Arises - The Dragon Emerges

There is such a powerful connection to the New Year. It is a great tradition celebrated by everyone on the planet. We have such a blessing being able to see celebrations all over the planet. Fireworks spread from Sydney to Moscow to Beijing to Rio de Janeiro. The New Year brings longer days. The New Year brings love and joy and kisses and reunions and death and transformation and awakenings. Life is full of hopes and promises and sunrises, all because of the New Year.

The Phoenix arises. There is a great comfort that the Earth we live on has seasons. It is such a comfort to have snow on the ground that is filled with sleeping seeds. It is rising from the ashes of burned fall leaves fertilizing the cold earth. The chrysalis that is formed around the wounded is hardening but the soft wings of redemption and renewal are forming their bright colors. There is a reason why the hearts and minds of humanity mimic nature. We all experience transformation in order to learn. But what we choose to do with that revelation is up to us.

In the year 2013, there were so many strange events that happened and so many unusual world events. This was the warmest year globally in recorded human history. We had more tragedies and continued war in the Middle East and Syria. The U.S. Government shut down, but it is still not fixed. Another super typhoon devastation hit, this time in the Philippines. Human stem cells were finally successfully cloned. We lost Margaret Thatcher and Nelson Mandela. Pope Benedict XVI resigned. And we experienced a great tragedy with the Boston Marathon bombing. We now have drones killing people in retaliation for suicide bombings. We have extremist groups (mainly Muslim) attacking large-scale bombings and assaults, like the one at the Kenyan mall and the many bombings in Nigeria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Dagestan. There was an 8.0 earthquake off the coast of the Solomon Islands. Lance Armstrong admitted to “doping” and lost his titles. Same-sex marriage was legalized in the U.K. Estonia is the first country to implement nationwide electric car outlets. A 2 year old girl in the U.S. is the first ever to be actually cured of AIDS. France passes same-sex marriage. North Korea declares war with South Korea. Brazil passes same-sex marriage, while Russia makes it illegal for same-sex couples to adopt Russian children. Croatia becomes the 26th state in the E.U. Detroit, Michigan files for bankruptcy. The Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons wins the Nobel Peace Prize. A 7.7 earthquake devastates Pakistan. We end up having another school shooting here in Colorado—the shooter killed both a senior in high school and himself. But in spite of the state of the World being in complete chaos, the Dow and S&P both hit record highs. If we were to go only based on the state of World affairs, we would all be doomed. But I also truly see a pattern in the increase of awareness and enlightenment.

We celebrated the March Against Monsanto this year. We woke up our own nation to marital equality. We are finally addressing medical insurance and care, even though our first round of Obamacare V. the Insurance Racket is still up for grabs and not even closely settled. Facebook still is number one in Social Media and has become the greatest experiment in social anarchy of all times. Giant corporations keep getting stronger, we keep feeding into the system of Materialism, but banks are no longer getting any bailouts (save for the country of Cyprus). Winter still came and is freezing the Northern Hemisphere. But life still goes on.
Now is the time to hibernate. Now is the time to reflect and write. Now is the time to light the hearth fires warming the hearts of the lost and downtrodden. Now is the time to go within and start another year of awakening souls to the spreading awareness and renewal of Spirit.

New Year Resolutions—Creating the Fire of Passion

For 2014, I am dedicated to spread the message of Awakening. I want to open the network of high-minded people so we can reconstruct the norms--the popular, shallow lifestyle of convenience, processed foods, hiding behind computer screens, plastic money, instant gratification and a la carte religion; we need to find a way to open a new forum. The past seems so far away with the lightning speed of internet modernity. The traditional ways of keeping our heads in the sand while Big Corporate America tells us how to think are also over. So we have no choice but to find a new paradigm. For me personally, this reflects in how I run my life, relate to my family, and deal with both the past and the future—our job is to stir the pot. My first intention in 2014 is to get real. Honesty and spiritual reflection. It’s worth the effort. Try it.

I am living exactly the life I expected to live. I still have unfinished business. Yet in this time of renewal, those tasks I must finish are also the very things I strive to accomplish because they are a part of my quest. It has taken longer than I expected to fulfill my visions and manifest my values. I have had a list of accomplishments to complete. Here are the ones I know I am committed to complete this year and beyond:

1. Finish all my classes to complete my Doctorate. So, according to the plan, I have 2 Organic Chem classes, 2 Physics classes and Anatomy and Physiology. In order to do so, I also have to finish the reviews of Biology and Chemistry. So I have my work cut out for me. Especially at 45. But anything is possible. And I am forever the believer in the possible.
2. Attend my daughter Jacquelyn’s high school graduation. My hope is to first take my kids on one last vacation to Florida to see my son Christopher, THEN we watch Jacqui graduate, THEN we celebrate our new life together…my children will ALL be adults! Jacqui turns 18 in August!

3. This leads to the next task: To finish my memoirs about my life in the last 14 years. I left my children at age 30 so I could live after surviving a terrible marriage and abusive prison. I endured losing my identity because there was a need for power and control from my partner. The last three years of marriage sent me into a deep depression. Either I left and regained who I was or stayed and lost everything…so I left. And now, after a decade and a half, I have come full circle, reunited with my children, found my true love and created the life I manifested. I allowed my pain to transform. I gave myself permission to let go. And now I can share this with everyone I love.

4. Complete the screenplay I started in 2013. I know it is worth it. I also know how valuable it will be when completed. I look forward to the day I see it produced!

5. Spread the word about Mannatech. I work for a company that has found a scientific way to tap into the body’s natural renewal systems. I personally know what it can do, how it helps people get their lives back, and how it will lead Mark and I into the new phase of our life. I have committed to those I have been teaching. I am committed to find those who want to lead. Everyone wins. It’s a blessing to be able to bring nutrition and health to so many, and in the process, work for a company that offers nutrition to thousands of starving children. One day we will see millions fed by what we are doing. This is my motivation—to help my family and the future of our world. I love my job!

6. I will be a rock and a strong leader for our family. I have always been blessed to see a light at the end of every tunnel. It will be a year of change. I will continue to support and love our daughter Virginia, who is in college and needs our strength and health knowledge. I will continue to grow our relationships with our daughter Jacquelyn and support our son Christopher, who is in the Navy. And I will spend time visiting and connecting with our combined family. This year, I will be making our home, finding a place to grow our hearts, our garden and our friendships. I will solidify our beliefs and finding our spiritual center.

7. I am working an amazing part-time job that I love dearly. I love working at a doll store, making young girls so happy. But I know that the only way to true joy for me is to turn my work and trade into a more meaningful pursuit. Yes, it is fun to work at a place of such joy. But it is even better to create ways to heal people. All my work will be aligned accordingly.

8. I will tend my first full-NON-GMO garden. This is a lot of work. But it is worth the effort. My intention is to create a unified place for anyone to share in a truly community-based process. There will be other great intentional projects to do as well: making tinctures, processing our own sauces, brewing our own mead, and making community meals.

9. It’s time to travel again! Next plan, this summer, I am taking my children to Orlando to see Universal Studios and visit the Harry Potter Kingdom. It’s a destination for my family. I raised them all on Harry Potter. It will be a momentous reunion!! This is also the first reunion of my children and I since our last vacation to Miami in 2007. The summer of 2007 was the last time we were all together and the time I missed being with them was horrific for me. Christopher moved back to his father’s that school year and I was kept from seeing him for 5 years. It was traumatic, but as I stated, because the marriage and family system were based on my ex’s feelings and mine were always disregarded, it was typical. I am sad I lost all that time with my children. But now, it is more important that I let them know who I am and how strong I have become. This reunion will be the way to show that to them even more.

10. Every good New Year’s resolution would not be complete without a commitment to go to the gym. Since last year I attended a gym I wasn’t thrilled to attend—and I couldn’t get there regularly—I am searching for a place that is more like me. I love dancing! I have taken to Rumba classes and would also love ballet again. Looking into Denver’s possibilities. Next year, I can attend more through the University.

11. I have always fluctuated in my spirituality, but it has remained strong. My goal this year is to be more consistent in learning what my heart longs to find. I am seeking a balanced life that allows me to live unconditionally. I am limited. I am human. I have pursued a life of giving. This path was set for me long ago. And in my transformation, I have stayed strong in loving others as I love myself. I have been given the blessing of understanding that wisdom. I know there are many who cannot accept that part of me—I cannot love those who choose hate, jealousy, narcissism. There is nothing I can do to change their paths. But I can still be true to my own nature.

12. The greatest gift I can give to myself this year, and to those who know me and may even read what I write, is the gift of allowance. I allow myself permission to complete the tasks set out before me. I allow myself the blessing of a healthy body, a sound mind, an amazing family and a strong marriage. I allow myself to be true to my nature, intellectually and emotionally. I allow my life to flourish. I am not competing with anyone else. I am not succumbing to having to have “stuff” I don’t need. I don’t need to be anyone else. I am so grateful for this revelation. And to my friends, family and those who can’t see beyond their own images or perceptions of me, I promise I am going to continue to love, to teach, to parent, to learn, to pursue, to be a great wife and mother, to be a passionate leader, and to stand up for those who need a voice. It will be another wonderful year of getting to know what the Universe has in store for each and every one of us!

Wishing everyone an amazing New Year! Blessings to you all!

The Smouldering Fire of Regret

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

There is a blessing and a curse associated with wisdom for both men and women. The body ages so we either remember or forget our experiences, recalling only what we need to remember. The mind becomes saturated with critical as well as trivial information. And the experiences we have had are woven into our tapestry with great precision like the fine brush strokes from an artist’s brush onto canvas, together creating a great masterpiece. But does that masterpiece resemble one of Monet’s japanese bridges or morph into Munch’s The Scream? Where do we fall along the spectrum of experiences? Where and when do we choose to create a life that is our own and not harbor those pains that were inflicted from others long ago that often keep us focused on the past? How do we process the smouldering fire of regret, that mind game we play that creates a wish to go back and change one of these events?

Trauma Revisited

Life events are neither “good” nor “bad”. They are happenings. What we do with those happenings is most important. An event that creates a powerfully emotive and lasting memory that elicits a negative or fear-based response is called a trauma. Traumas are directly related to sensitivity. There is actually a blessing that comes out of trauma: psychic awareness. Therefore trauma is an event that can either have a “good” or “bad” outcome, even if at the time it elicited a fear-based response. Have you ever had a connection to your “Spidey Senses” and realized something was wrong in your world before actually knowing it? This is one of those gifts. But often this gift manifests when a harmful person (one who chooses to do harm to us) is getting ready to behave in a harmful manner. After a period of time, we recognize that harm is coming because it has been the response of that person, or one like them, in the past. Then we have a “premonition” that it is coming again. This elicits the response and thus reactivates the trauma.

When we have many of these traumatic experiences, the brain reconnects the trauma pathway from the combined reaction of these experiences and we can actually “see” the events becoming a trauma before they happen. This is likened to a novel that you read and predict the ending before you get there based on your own years of experience and your knowledge of events. Well, eventually the brain becomes “open” to these predictions. The ultra-sensitive among us, however, actually become even more precognitive. The outcomes of repeat trauma, fear-based dream states and possibly mental damage due to brain development early on in childhood, all lead to precognition.

In the event of ESP occurring (extra-sensory perception), the mind becomes aware and awake to one’s self outside the body--the disassociation can actually allow us to look at the “greater picture”. There is a fine line, however, that can be crossed into what we call today insanity. The disassociation possible within a “normal” (or typical) human is a mechanism to create a logic-based thought process so that the emotions that are trapped in the body can be released in a healthy way. Often the fear we feel when confronting an event needs to go somewhere. So we release it by separating ourselves from it. The other outcome is that it is processed through a system of rationalization, which can trap these fears somewhere else. Often however, anger (outer fear) and depression (inner fear) leave scars within the body and can be converted into disease or autoimmune disorders. Therefore, we are here to learn to control our minds and our emotions so we can find a balance, release anything not serving us, and learn from our fears to turn away from pain or stop them altogether from entering.

Those that tend to internalize anger and depression become Highly Sensitive. Those that stop the feelings become Highly Desensitized. The interesting part is that both tend to eventually show signs of precognition! I know that sounds strange, especially when we would imagine that the “tough” ones would just be totally closed off. But in reality , they are guarding themselves innately from a traumatic experience through shutting down. Even if they don’t remember anything, or they blocked the experience from affecting them, they too haven’t truly processed the experience. It’s likened to a black hole--the anger and depression will eventually come out in other ways, sometimes by becoming a harmful person, many times by having a compartmentalization happen that can lead to a behavioral disorder, or they find an outlet by imposing their trauma onto something else--like learning to become a guardian, like a police officer, firefighter, emergency room doctor or soldier.

I am obviously a Highly Sensitive. I am highly clairvoyant. It can be annoying, let me tell you. My husband is a soldier. I can see in him a lot of the same clairvoyant reactions that I experience, but they manifest in different ways. Many of us in our generation (we are over 35) were raised with parents who dealt with trauma or anger by yelling, talking “down to”, or somehow convincing us NOT to show our feelings. We were told to “hide” our sensitivities. For men, we have a whole generation that was “told” by social norm that men don’t cry or show feelings because it is a sign of weakness. Women, on the other hand, from my generation were allowed to show feelings freely as long as it wasn’t toward confronting or questioning the authority of men. How strange that our society has built these crazy norms! I mean, who doesn’t grieve when someone dies? Nobody. We all grieve. But how it comes out is so very different, depending upon how we were raised. And who doesn’t want to feel like an equal? I don’t care what body parts we were born in, what color our skin may be, we all put our clothing on the same and we all bleed when we are wounded, inside or out.

Trauma is often inflicted on us from another. These incidences and the aftermath of emotion that follows can actually compound. In Chemistry, there is a point when a solute is added to a solvent where it can no longer dissolve. That point is saturation. Well, traumatic experiences that compound and open the same wounds (brain pathways) over and over again also become saturated and eventually will create a “trigger” response. When a person is then confronted with a trauma, even if the person causing the harm has no clue they are creating a harmful situation to the recipient, the trigger will create an emotive reaction that can be out of control or even response with harm.

If Only I Could Go Back...

Regret is one of these triggers. Since I have been going through menopause, I have been triggered every time I have a hormonal swing. Unfortunately, due to the imbalance of hormones during hot flashes, the swing usually triggers a cognitive memory that ends up in an emotional response. And they are not loving, feel-good responses. In my studying what has been happening to my body, I have discovered it is because the chemical reaction needed to make serotonin is blocked by the body bursting into flames. I feel like a phoenix who is about to explode every time I have one of these hot flashes! And it is followed by sobbing tears.

The price for maturation is trial by fire apparently. I found a way to stop the emotions from being released at inappropriate times AND stop the hot flashes using vitamin B-6 in conjunction with a hormone balancing/endocrine system resetting herb (wild yam) and a phosphotidylserine-phosphotidylcholine complex. I know--a lot of fancy words. If you relate, write them down; if not, don't worry about it. This formula actually prevents the hot flashes, allows the positive brain flow to continue, and keeps my body from “crashing”. Here’s why this has been so important: every traumatic experience I have ever had and had hoped to forget has come pouring out of my memory banks. Seriously--I have not had a past experience safe from resurfacing, all the way back to childhood. Every person who has ever harmed me in any way has been recalled into my brain in some way since this began over the summer. And even if I don’t see the relationship between the person and the memory, the pain from my past has been pouring out of the open Pandora’s box. It has been more than just traumatic. I have been confined to bed, had to leave a crowded room, and I have found myself unable to stop crying and purging memories at the worst moments, until finally my eyes have become swollen and my body is not able to recuperate without massive amounts of sleep.

Association V. Disassociation

The best part about these kinds of experiences is that I was finding there is a direct association with the hot flashes and my triggers, or memories of the past that brought out all my regrets. Once I got the hot flashes under control, I could disassociate, or remove my emotions and then analyze the triggers that were causing the fire. I had always been able to separate my emotions from my reactions under a healthy state. With the introduction of chemicals, hormones included, I was often not able to open up and experience those emotions and grieve through losses unless I had this disassociation removed from my thought process.

The triggers of these bursts of fire center around regrets. It’s strange that of all things to resurface, this is the most powerful emotion. I have been in physical fights. I have been bodily injured. I have been dominantly controlled. And I have felt everything from guilt to shame to anger to hatred in this lifetime. But the only emotion that keeps triggering from these attacks is regret. Why? I believe because I have never allowed myself to get over that one type of emotion. It is self-inflicted. It is not acting upon something that would have changed the course of my life in some way. We are told not to regret the past, but I do. I know not to dwell on them, but they exist nonetheless. I don’t know how others have felt during their time of fire, but this to me is the most powerful.

In the movie Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban, Professor Lupin (teacher of Defense Against The Dark Arts) has his students do a “spell” to get rid of a creature called a Boggart. It can turn into the student’s worst fear and can only be dissipated and controlled through imagining it is a different creature. This was then followed by laughter to humiliate the Boggart into submission. I feel like this every time I have a hot flash followed by an outburst. My body starts heating up and bursting into a smouldering fire that begins at my heart chakra and solar plexus. It then moves outward and upward, extending out of my head and hands, and eventually runs through my whole body. The brain’s response is then to attach to a fight-or-flight memory, often linked to a regret. Under normal circumstances (non-fire), I can usually work through a memory through meditation, talking about it, or writing. Sometimes I do praying or channeling to ask Higher Power energy to release the feelings and memories. This has been my way of dealing with all my past traumas. But in the middle of the flames, I am unable to get control of the emotive responses. And the ones that stick are the regrets. And they are the Boggarts of my mind--powerful enough to elicit fear deep within, but they can be changed once I address them.

I therefore have made a great list of regrets!! They are all subjective and my own personal, truly experiential life lessons that if I had a magic wand or time machine, I would go back and change. So before some of my readers become all offended that I am “airing” my dirty laundry, understand these experiences were real. And I had to endure them. And they are meant to share with others who have been through pain. And I don’t have any secrets. Oh, and I am not a victim any longer to any of my past perpetrators, so it was a part of my life, but not all of it. And now I can look at this list and, once processed, I can now disassociate from these pains. I am telling you this because I want to show you can do the same. Once you read the list you will know why this kind of exercise is really important for those of us who have been through traumatic experiences.

Processing Through the Regrets - Making Amends and Letting Go

I have been able to confront some of these regrets head on. For instance, I was finally able to tell my two daughters that I regret allowing them to feel unprotected or in any way out of control because I was so passive and allowing as a parent. I personally saw all three of my children as little adults because they were and are so brilliant. I never saw the need to discipline in a negative or harmful way. But with that the younger two children specifically missed out on time with me. And at some point all three were allowed to get away with actions that would usually be punished by a stricter, more structured parent who wasn’t living moment to moment trying to survive as a single parent who was denied, and often robbed of, child support. This time of my life, the ten years fighting back and forth for custody and denied repeatedly my parenting time, was the hardest and most regrettable period of time. I have countless regrets I could have avoided if I had been more cautious and more self-loving. It would also have made me a better parent.

These regrets go way back. So, if anyone is reading this and plans to “tattle” to any person directly involved in one of these regrets, feel free. I hide nothing any longer. And my experience, as a “victim” or as a “perpetrator” in any case, was still my experience. Here is my most recent, fire-fueled list:

List of the Most Impactful Regrets Ever

I regret quitting ballet as a child. I know my parents could not afford it, but my disdain for lessons of that sort started at 6. I was not ever encouraged to stick to an activity my mother didn’t want to take me to attend, so it also causes a regret of quitting a series of other activities I wish I had continued to do. This one is just the most prominent because it is linked to my first memories. And I love to dance! Maybe I would have been more athletic or agile or could have had more opportunities on stage. Who knows. I did take up ballet in college again, but not seriously. I miss the music and the beauty of it. But I miss just dancing most of all.

I regret allowing myself to lose my ability as a leader by not standing up for myself in Junior High. Of course, this was also hormonally driven. It didn’t stop me from becoming one after a long period of time. But it was in trying to please others that I lost my drive to take any lead. This caused a series of events for many years that allowed others to take advantage of my kindness. For instance, I had a “crush” in 7th grade. One evening after school, I got a call from the crush’s ex-girlfriend who still liked him. She pleaded with me not to pursue him because she knew he liked me and it was only a matter of time until she knew we would end up together. I did as she asked to please others and they got back together. I never dated anyone in Junior High or High School after that that I truly liked in the same way, and thus I became rather standoffish. And even through high school, I never dated anyone at my own school because of this (except one, but we are still friends after all this time).

I regret allowing my faith and kindness and “turn the other cheek” upbringing to allow people in my life to continue to harm me. I didn’t understand boundaries because I was never shown any healthy ones. I know now the reason this is a prominent lesson in the Christian Bible is because the Romans wanted to create a passive force of people to control. It worked and still works today. I am often confronting my Christian upbringing and the ideals that led me to allow passive-aggressive people to walk all over me (thus more regrets).

I regret letting go of the first man in my life whom I really wanted to fight for and didn’t. We are still friends. We are both happily married to others. All turned out great. But I ended up marrying the wrong person for me because I never got over that person completely (at that time of course).

This leads to the next one. I regret never taking the time to be single and alone before I got married. I missed out on so many experiences, not only because I married the wrong person, but because I married too young. Many of my friends who married their high school and college sweethearts have had dozens of years of marital bliss. I regret that I made the wrong choice, based on my limited understanding, that led me to a 14 year custody battle after 8 years of marriage (the last 5 being miserable). However, even though it led to a lot of pain for my children and I, they know who I am and how these traumas affected and shaped my existence in order to become a strong leader and guide for so many other women with children. In fact, I became a domestic violence advocate because of my experiences.

I regret not going to college when my grandmother offered to pay my tuition at Loyola. It changed the course of my life, thus how I ended up meeting and marrying the man who is my children’s father. It also disadvantaged me at the divorce not having my own career and being dirt poor. He took full advantage of my lack of education to keep me at home, then to railroad me after divorce. It was one of my greater regrets.

I regret marrying too soon. We only met 2 and a half months before we were engaged. See above reasons for regret.

I regret not standing up for myself with my then-husband and his family because of an erroneous sense of submission due to a faith that was faulty. This led to the horrific divorce, the years without my children, the ruined self-esteem that led to an almost successful suicide attempt, which gave them fuel to take my children away and treat me so disdainfully. That and they are stuck in their beliefs. I am completely grateful though it gave me strength to leave, to get my life back together, to confront and win back custody, to fight for my children so they see me as a strong and courageous person. It doesn’t stop the traumatic memories, but it did create a fighter out of me.

I regret staying so long with relationships that, even though there was a sense of dominance and control caused by an imbalance, I was mentally incapable of leaving them until I was able to fight my way out. The first, after almost 5 years, robbed me of some of the best prime years of my life to do what I needed to do to become a great parent, leader, and educator. He even squatted in my apartment so the University would not allow me to return because the bill was so high from the damage he caused. I attempted to sue him, but he hid long enough to get away from paying what he truly owes. And I have been working to go back to school ever since. This too ends up wonderfully, since now I am returning to become a Naturopathic Doctor.

The second greatest regret was the one who was horribly sick with a mental illness (I believe it was Borderline Personality Disorder) that allowed him to have full-running relationships not just with me, but with several other women who were equally as duped. Boy, he must have spent an awfully long time on the phone everyday to juggle so many of us. But the interesting part is that once I left, he spent 3 years trying to get me back, which ended up eventually resulting in him taking his own life. Yet he had 3 other women to go to. It was strange, but I truly have the least regrets around my life with this person, especially involving his constant need to push his drug and alcohol addiction on me. I believe that is because I know I am not at fault. I don’t regret being fooled as much as I do regret not just walking away sooner. I would attempt to break it off and he would stalk me until I would come back. It happened weekly after a while. And he ruined many potential relationships with others. But if I hadn’t had that last year with him trying to get me back, I might have ended up with another one just like the others….I had many other controlling relationship offers I was then able to avoid and break away from altogether. And in spite of his attempt to reunite, I finally had a year to myself to do what I wanted to do without a relationship.

I regret not attempting to become a professional actor when I was younger. I was so convinced I was going to medical school, I gave up acting. Since then, I have returned to my love of both theater and film. And I have had great experiences. But my life would have been so different--I am truly good at it. Now if I can get the hot flashes to stop, I can create a better control that will allow me to return to acting at my leisure.

I regret allowing my kids’ father to make fun of my singing and quitting altogether. It was funny because both my daughters have pursued and are continuing to sing. All three of my children have more talent in their pinkies than any of the currently popular artists of today. And yet they have a choice if they want to use it. I made a horrible mistake, because it was such a great form of expression that I now cannot use when I want to. Again, it is a regret for not standing up for myself. I still love to sing in the shower. But more than that, I love listening to my children.

I regret not kidnapping my sister and her two boys when I went to visit them in the Spring of 2002. I knew her husband was abusive and I should have just stuck her and the boys in the car. She since remarried another abuser, had 2 more boys, and now lost custody of them to my mother...let’s not get started about the Dragon Fire in me about that subject. That is the fire of consuming rage for the sneaky way she manipulated the system and took my nephews. If there is anyone I ever regret leaving my children in the care of...enough said.

I regret sending my daughter Jacqui back to her father’s when the court denied me child support. She was living with me! And the ex’s attorney somehow used a corrupt system to cut all child support from my daughters. Wow. They are currently under investigation for corruption. This is great news. But being homeless, I felt I had no choice. I did have a choice. But I regret ever sending her to live in the same system I left . I know she has turned out to be a wonderful and fine woman in spite of the religious abuse. But all the same, it is truly my greatest regret.

Finally, I regretted giving up my relationship with this amazing man in my life, Mark, whom I was so blessed enough that he returned to me. We have such a different outlook. In spite of our differences, I am so grateful he is in my life and that we have been put back together, this time permanently. Yet I do feel bad I happened to begin this life stage of constant raging fire right after we have been married (poor guy!). It’s the way of life. And when we get through this, we will both be the strongest leaders and teachers and healers we were meant to be.

In general, I regret not traveling more. I regret not going to Egypt to see the pyramids before it became a dangerous place for Americans to visit. I regret not taking that job with the Arabian horse farm. I regret ever trying certain drugs, even experimentally. I regret not staying independent for as long as I could have been because of the fear of stability. I regret not learning about money management until I was so much older. I regret not buying stocks in companies I saw emerging. I regret not taking more chances. I regret not spending more time learning from my grandmothers. I regret giving away my dogs even if I was told I couldn’t have them (my ex husband’s control--I should have just said no). I regret not completing the many books and screenplays that are still unfinished. But in all, I regret most of all giving up myself in order to succumb to the ideal of another. I am me. I will always be me. I have to live with me. I am grateful for me. And I will never again give in to appease another to the detriment of my own life, health and happiness.

Now that the fire has been purged from my traumas and memories associated with those traumas, I feel so much better. I am going to sit down and finish those books. I am going to invest more time in myself, my husband, my kids, and my schooling. I am learning to do new and different activities, but I still plan to ride more horses, dance again, and maybe I will start singing once more. I want to become the wisest, most peaceful woman I have ever met, not because I am denying my past, my anger or my trauma. But because I acknowledge these things and choose to let them go.

This fire too shall pass.