Facing the Crone of Wisdom: The Choice to Journey Into Darkness

”Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” – Marie Curie

”Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.” – Paulo Coelho

”People living deeply have no fear of death.” – Anais Nin

Middle Age and the Realization of Mortality

I am writing this piece because I am personally experiencing the great challenges often faced by women my age and in my position: the great loss of motherhood through menopause and the drive to seek out Wisdom and leave behind a Legacy. These experiences are all connected. This is also true for both men and women, specifically in our society and time in history for individuals over 40 years of age. As we get older and face our own mortality, we seek answers to inevitable questions involving the underlying feeling of urgency that we must “accomplish” something in our lifetime. Many of us have already sought to do something that will be worthy of remembrance, myself included. And as we find our answers, we reveal more questions. Why are we so inclined to be enlightened? Were we created this way? How does the mind suddenly open to the concepts of mortality and spirituality? And why do we seek wisdom?

Our country is specifically, still predominantly and historically influenced by Christianity, but we have acknowledged and accepted our roots in Native American cultures and the shamanic spirituality that planted its roots here long before the Christians arrived. And we have assimilated our brothers and sisters of all major religions who have arrived at our shores and passed their wisdoms down for generations. With this understanding and with my personal journey as an anthropologist and connoisseur of world religions and wisdom texts, I am prone more than others to self-analyze and actualize a study of what I am experiencing and how it relates to others on my journey, both in this life and in all of human history. I suppose this is my legacy. Besides my roles as a mother, teacher, friend, healer and leader, I also seek to be remembered for my ability to transform these concepts and ideologies into written words. It’s like the play within a play—I thrive off the knowledge that this story has been told for thousands of years in different forms and manifests through me to join in community with those that have sought wisdom in its many forms before me. I feel comforted by the transformation.

The Confrontation of the Ego: The Crone Archetype and Internal Transformation

One of the greatest, most frightening fairy tales in human history is the birthplace of all evil witch stories: the tale of Baba Yaga, the Crone of Russian mythology. It may be a particular bias of mine, but if you take apart the roots of the tale, the origins of which descend from many different chrone stories, they all contain the same concepts. Baba Yaga was described as an ancient woman, goddess of the Underworld, with silver and black hair wild and overgrown, pale and green skin, often described as large in body and stature with skinny legs, a long hooked nose, burning eyes and the stench of death permeating from her mouth full of rotten teeth. She flies home in a mortar and pestle with her birch broom at her side. She has three horseman who serve her, the White Horseman (day), the Red Horseman (sun), and the Black Horseman (night), all of whom ride in and out of her yard. Her home is deep in the dark forest. Her house spins on chicken legs. And her yard is outlined by a fence of human bones with the skulls atop that light at night with the fire of judgment. Baba Yaga is scary. She threatens to eat those who confront her if they do not face the tasks she assigns. But is it fear of life that causes heroes and heroines to accomplish these impossible feats? In every tale she appears, the protagonist acts out a conundrum, but do we interpret this as being afraid of the Goddess or an act of courage? Ask yourself, do you live your life in fear of eternal punishment or do we seek to make a better world for a more noble higher purpose?

Baba Yaga means and represents “Old Crone.” There are similar characters throughout world mythologies that have the same appearances and traits. The representation of the Female in different cultures is represented by Youth (the Maiden), Motherhood (the Mother) and Menopause (the Crone). In all myths, the Crone represents the Underworld, not the life after death concept of hell, but the internal journey. Facing the Crone means going deep into the Abyss of the Darkness. And each world myth represents facing the Ancient, the Evil, the fear of Death: it becomes the confrontation of our own mortality but wakes us up to reality. Why would we attempt a feat that cannot be done unless we are truly powerful enough to accomplish it? That is like asking a cancer patient why they want to live—thus those who read what I write must know one thing: unless you have faced the Goddess of Transformation, you may not have a clue to that which I am referring.

Is Baba Yaga not frightening enough? Let’s go back even further, to one of the first of the Ancient Goddesses. In the earliest recordings of mythology, the Vedic/Hindu tradition, there is the goddess Kali, whose name translates as "black", or "death", and represents empowerment, or Shakti. Kali is the consort but also the conqueror of Lord Shiva, the judge of the world that leads those into the Underworld. In many representations, she is standing over him, atop his chest. She represents facing the fear of life after death, a judge of hearts much like Anubis in the Ancient Egyptian pantheon, in order to gain wisdom. She is depicted as black or dark blue in color, a warrior with a scythe and a necklace of human or demon heads around her neck. But she does not represent our physical Death per se, but Transformation. Her image is depicted as mostly naked and wild and powerful. She is the Universal Darkness. She is shown as the incarnation of Durga after battle that faces that part within us of defeating those demons we hold so close to our hearts. We misunderstand facing our fear as loss of life, but it is really loss of the body, transformation of the Ego. We are removing the obstacle of human frailty. We become a source of wisdom once we face these demons. But the Ego battle comes with a price and left behind is bloodshed.

Other goddesses of wisdom include Athena (Roman), Sophia (Gnostic), Inanna (Greek), Isis (Egyptian), Ishtar (Sumerian) and Lilith (Assyrian). They vary in aspects, cover many thousands of years of human mythology, but all show us the transformation of the female from the Mother to the Crone through battle or judgment. It is interesting that, in general, we see war as an act of the masculine, but it is very clear that the Chrone is the warrior version of the feminine. I am not implying that men do not have demons to slay that often end up in death and destruction, but this is again not a physical death, but a spiritual one. And for humanity to evolve, many must seek this transformation in their own feminine psyche, no matter what gender we were born to in this Universe.

I am also not implying that everyone has the privilege of facing the Crone. A major part of our society does not acknowledge the death of the Ego. In fact, the opposite of wisdom is narcissism, and this leads to a sickness that permeates our culture: the ideology that we are the “savior” of our own little world. This leads to controlling of others, prejudice, class differences, religious hatred and the idea of superiority, and eventually to the justification of the mob mentality of righteous killing so highly praised in concepts such as government, military, corporate monopolies and in the conquest of power. Do we believe our God allows us to kill in His name? (Yes, this is a direct shot at the major world religions who see god as masculine, superior and justify nationalism and sovereignty as permission to destroy other human beings). The concept of the Crone Goddess is in direct conflict with these beliefs. Yet she does not “claim” to be God or superior or any such thing. In fact, she is not even a God but an archetype. The Vedics knew this. Now we can face her together as a part of all that is within us if you are ready.

Gaining Wisdom Through Power: The Antithesis of Transformation and the Preservation of the Ego

Can you still seek Wisdom after war? Yes but not in the way we think traditionally. The story of Solomon in Judaic culture has its roots in the concept that he was a warrior in battle but he sought Wisdom. Interesting, in the Occult, there is a school of thought that Solomon actually created a system of communicating with archangels and suppressing demons through the use of sigils, or drawings that are used to hold the power of these entities. (These writings are known as the Greater Keys and Lesser Keys of Solomon). Is power therefore the ultimate goal? Did Solomon allow these texts to be spread throughout his Kingdom? Or wasn’t this a secret societal knowledge that was reserved for the elite? There is also a legend that these texts were sought by and protected by the Knight’s Templar during the Holy Wars. Throughout history, known by legend, many leaders were thought to have secretly used these “keys” as a way to gain power and access control over nations, including Hitler, who was known to be obsessed with the Occult. But this type of knowledge, though fascinating, misses the point that gaining Wisdom is not accomplished by seeking power over others, but seeking power over our Egos, finding transformation within. So the antithesis of what Solomon sought was the manifestation of a system of belief that uses the control of powerful energies. While many seek to gain power, the balance of these earthly and temporary conditions cannot be taken with us. All true power in our world goes to the grave with the seeker. And the result is death just the same.

Let’s connect the dots. So, in mythologies, Wisdom stories, spread throughout the nations for many centuries, facing the Goddess (or Crone archetype) of Transformation leads to death of Ego and revelation of Wisdom. Yet taking the Wisdom of Solomon using the “keys” to unlock the control over powerful outside forces (one can equate and physically manifest the “power” behind archangel positive and demonic negative energies according to this ideology), develops a hierarchy of superiority and control over our external, worldly and temporary environments. Thus we feed the Ego rather than deconstruct it. This is one example of many that interprets "Wisdom" and "Power" together.

Other such constructs of control that also replace true Wisdom with the power of Ego, such as the tenets of national governments and religious institutions, seeking to aggrandize the powerful. Many within our societies use texts (laws, books, etc.) to gain power or seek a position within these institutions to be venerated. We manifest our gods and fuel our systems of belief so highly in these large-scale communities. We teach them to our children and promote them as “good.” We gather in churches and synagogues and mosques weekly or sometimes daily to teach and manifest what we believe in our knowledge is "right". And we celebrate our national sovereignties through Holidays and Religious practices in order to feel a part of the greater community and call it a blessing. Yet what do we actually get out of our worship of our external gods or governments? Ask yourself. Aren't these just bodies of humankind in positions of leadership? Why do we give such credence to the words spoken on the pulpit or in the congressional seat or on stage? Are they better than us since they have sought the "wisdom of power"? Are we worshipping a deity or a person? And isn't it true that we are riddled with a society that is filled with God-like complexes?

Immortality: Manifestation of Legend and the Confrontation of Death

Now we have a third confrontation of Ego to explore: The physical manifestation of anti-aging through Science. There is a billion dollar international pharmaceutical industry devoted to preventing death and anti-aging. We have medical practices that can “fight” disease, cancer, heart failure and degeneration. We have a billion dollar beauty industry that “fights” against wrinkles and grey hair and sagging skin. We invest billions in exercise and diet to “fight” aging and cellular death. Yet is it out of the fear of dying? Or can we attribute all of these transformations of sorts to an innate human experience of the desire to live forever and allow the Ego to thrive? Is the prolonging of life a necessity to permit us to remain here as long as we can? Is this a salvation for us, to be younger, stronger, more physically capable? We see television exploit the “transformation” of the human form constantly in the celebration of makeovers to worldly standards of beauty and admiration. This is not new…the Greek gods and goddesses were depicted as immortally youthful and superiorly strong. We see immortality as venerated in Sampson’s hair and the resurrections of Achilles and Osiris, all three whom are depicted as superior in looks and strength.

All of these ideologies explored to this point in the pursuit of seeking Wisdom play off the idea that Wisdom and Immortality are connected. Don’t we all seek an immortal legend in some way, shape or form? Some within humanity use the simple act of procreation to pass down their legend—does it ever occur to us why so many who are uneducated, poor or who aren’t interested in anything but their own lives are so excellent at procreating and having many children? Aren’t we subjected to beliefs that connect childbearing with worthiness? And why is it that those of us who seek a higher knowledge, greater purpose or have more abundance are often less likely to reproduce? I am stating this internationally as an average, not as a cultural flaw but rather as an observation. For instance, the average rate of children per family is highest in Niger, Yemen, Uganda, Malawi and Afghanistan, all having an average of 7 children per household (all agriculturally-based, religious-driven and have low life expectancies--this is easily corraborated on Google). While countries that have an average of less than 2 children per household include Australia, Greece, Hungary, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg and many countries in Eastern Europe. What causes these trends? Is it survival and culture? Do we thus put our energies into our prodigies for the purpose of passing on our genes or our Egos? Moreover, what drives our obsession to seek immortality through procreation?

In our American culture, men are prone to believe they must pass down their legacy through their children. Women are told as they get older that their “clock is ticking” and they must find a suitable partner to procreate. Religions tell us to find a mate and settle down and procreate. Science has invented such techniques to meet these demands as chemical hormone balancing (birth control and fertility drugs), in vitro fertilization and other such ways to give us the bundle of joy a person so longs to have. Because of the high rate of divorce, we have an entire empire of Family Law that capitalizes on the battle to gain custody over a child, making lawyers and judges rich in the process of sorting out the pain of Ego-driven parenting. Fathers live vicariously through their children’s achievements; mothers feel obligated to create an atmosphere of home that is often driven by rivalry of others in their immediate society or community. “Look at how amazing my child is.” “Here’s what my child has done.” “They are a chip off the old block.” Aren’t these the sentiments of legacy that feed our Egos of immortality?

Facing Our Own Transformation, Mortality and Death of the Ego

I am blessed. I have experienced a lot of the aforementioned experiences of seeking Wisdom and Transformation. I have been blessed with the genetic and biological passing of myself by giving birth to three lovely and brilliant children, for whom I write these blogs. I am currently (and therefore until death by my own vow) partnered with an amazing husband with whom I am helping to raise his biological daughter as well. So I have achieved “legacy” in this way. I have been born of some privilege, understanding the positions of “superiority” both by being born in a somewhat affluent area of society, as a Caucasian woman who was raised as a Christian. I have experienced the instruction to gain higher education, attended three great colleges, and I am in the midst of continuing my higher education as a doctor and healer. I have been privileged to see many additional cultures, having traveled to seek what additional experiences I could encounter. I have been taught by so many wonderful teachers and cannot get enough knowledge—I love TED talks and spiritual literature and meetup groups with likeminded friends. I thrive from intellectual conversation. And I have found a great connection with modern science, technology and nutrition to prolong my life and brain and appearance through the blessings of these gifts of the industries of immortality. I won’t lie—I love it that my physical and mental selves has benefited from these international passions and personal pleasures.

Yet is time for me to face the Crone. I realized that now more than ever, as my entire world has been blessed with the gifts of Ego, I am ready to face my fears and manifest my journey to the Underworld to seek the Baba Yaga/Kali. I am flawed. I have demons. I have emotional walls and irrational fears and regrets and jealousies and a mountain of other skeletons in my closet that I have carefully ascended like a pile of corpses. This may sound gruesome, but it is reality. For every person of wisdom and fame we emulate, there are human secrets within us all we must chop off at the head. The gift of wisdom is this: do we choose to face these demons and wear their heads around our neck or on our fence posts or do we continue to live in fear and feed our Egos? Do we seek prestige, power, fame, acknowledgement, and praise? Or do we seek answers? Once I face these demons and slay my own Jaberwocky, I will relay to you how my journey into the Underworld is progressing.

It is time to end my suffering and live as I was meant to do as a Crone of Higher Wisdom, not to seek power, but rather to create Love. As I descend into the darkness, I feel I am truly going home. Don't take my word for it. Don't venerate my journey, seek your own. Go to the place where Kali awaits. Join me when you are ready.

“Om aim hrim klim camundayai vicche svaha."

Chapter 7--Ride on the Peace Train

Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be, something good has begun
Oh I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be, some day it's going to come
Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country, come take me home again

- Peace Train by Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam)

There are days when I wake up and just feel totally grateful! And there are days when I wake up grumpy, just like everyone else that has had a moment of humanity. I am glad I usually wake up grateful, but since there is a major flu bug going around and none of my family can breathe properly, I have begrudgingly gotten out of bed and began the daily routine to get my youngest off to school, my homework done, breakfast dishes and cleaning the kitchen done, and swallow down a forced cup of coffee and a protein shake. Today I have had to add nose-blowing every few minutes into the routine, which has allowed my mood to be altered to a bit of irritation. I will work on answering emails first this morning. I will make more chicken soup for my sick family. THEN if I am energetically inspired, I go to the gym and write out my daily assignments for my screenwriting. Maybe I will bring a book to read on the machines, usually revolving around business or occasionally a favorite to further enhance my spiritual pursuits. But as I teeter on the thought of going back to bed, I am reminded how amazing my life is! And I had to get up to write.

Fourteen years ago I was living on the graces of some of my wonderful friends. I had an apartment I couldn't afford and after the divorce and having been railroaded into poverty, leaving everything behind and losing any of what I had left, I barely had enough time to find a poorly underpaid waitress job and didn't eat much at all for almost a year. I went from a difficult time losing weight at a size 14 to a barely able to keep my clothes up size 2. I was in a constant state of fight or flight for a year during the divorce. I experienced what many would consider "war conditions." And I was so despondent. And I had no will left to live--yet freedom from oppression and lies and being degraded constantly was a better alternative than living on the edge of having nothing left. I was even forced to stay away from my children, bullied by the courts, and threatened to be thrown in jail if I didn't give what I had left to my ex for child support. But I had me--my mind, my Spirit and my independence.

So as I realize how far I have come, I am reminded of how my life is amazing! I have a beautiful family, have all of my children AND many more! I have a wonderful partner, loving and honorable friends, a refrigerator full of yummy organic and natural food, all the amenities I could ask for! I have internet and heat and Netflix and a new bank account and school and my teachers and healers and.... See, there is an abundance to be grateful for! But was I grateful for what I had back 14 years ago? Yes. But in a different way; I was grateful I was able to start over, but held so much resentment for the way I was treated.

It is SO easy to be "happy" when we are warm and comfortable and surrounded by love! But those times when life throws us curve balls, when we are thinking about whether we are going to pay our rent or feed our children, those times when you find out your partner is more interested in watching adult entertainment than in spending time with you, those moments when you find yourself with a bottle of vodka in bed with you at night, or when you realize you can't take care of yourself let alone others, those are the moments when gratefulness is the LAST feeling you have running around your brain...

The most difficult experience I had threaded throughout all these days of extreme sadness was the fact that I was completely rejected and judged by so many others who claimed to be Spiritual leaders and teachers and even supposed friends. My kids' father lied to everyone about me (I found the emails and had many conversations with those who told me his intentions). My family cut me off from any support. And remember, I wasn't a drug addict or party animal or anything remotely resembling a deviant. My condition after divorce, however, resembled these archetypes after I had nothing left to hold onto. My friends, those that claimed to be so godly, were the first to run like rats from a sinking ship.

It is funny--it was the new friends I made that took me in, cared for me, made sure I was fed and had a roof over my head. These friends were my new Pagan, Wiccan, Atheist and Buddhist friends. In fact, I am still grateful to be friends with many of them today! I felt amazing, unconditional love from them! I was richly blessed with compassion. It is because of these experiences that I found that silver lining in the darkness of such a turbulent life journey. Much like the Biblical references to the "Good Samaritan", I was rescued not by those in my circles, but those that had the most compassion! (Thank you to those who cared for me--Deborah and Brooke, Mary, Missy, Casey, and even Eric and of course David! And also to my many friends who were there for me as well, Michael, Kat, Kimi, Kaye, Tripp, Jason, and the rest of the Saint Simons gang! You all know who you are and will always be remembered forever...)

The reason I even bring up these multitudes of experiences today is because I want all my readers to know that in my pursuit to find wholeness, peace and wisdom, I had to experience so much pain so I can understand what those around me are experiencing. This was my Buddha's journey--just like in the story of Siddhartha Gautama. The Buddha began his journey in extreme wealth, sheltered from the outside world. Then he encountered every one of life's traumas--poverty, sickness, disease, death--and finally woke up to his purpose. When he was awakened, he left his comfortable palace lifestyle and with the help of a chariot driver, he was able to sneak out of the kingdom to go and find his people and see the suffering he had only recently encountered. When he was long on his journey, he was at the point of starvation when a village girl took him in and gave him rice and milk. Her generosity was rewarded with the ability to conceive her son according to the story. Many of these karmic changes are written about in the wisdom texts--direct blessings given for kindness and compassion. THIS is why I live the way I do and why I have chosen the life I have.

For my Christian friends, this similar parable is explained by Jesus in Matthew 25:35-40: For I was hungry, and you gave me meat: I was thirsty, and you gave me drink: I was a stranger, and you took me in: naked, and you clothed me: I was sick, and you visited me: I was in prison, and you came to me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we you an hungered, and fed you? or thirsty, and gave you drink? When saw we you a stranger, and took you in? or naked, and clothed you? Or when saw we you sick, or in prison, and came to you? And the King shall answer and say to them, Truly I say to you, Inasmuch as you have done it to one of the least of these my brothers, you have done it to me. There are hundreds of examples about Jesus' generosity in the Christian Bible. For my Jewish friends, compassion is all but lost in the Old Testament conquests, but think about the wisdom of those who were altruistic and unconditional, like in the stories of Ruth and Hannah (notice they are both women!). Selfish pursuits to conquest, dominate and separate (the "chosen" ones) are examples of what our society now models in order to further the missions that are instilled by Fear. How many times have I heard that the War on Iraq was "God's Will"?? Really? Yes, I understand that there are Muslim factions too that take their beliefs to an extreme...but haven't we propagated these divisions? That can be as likely attributed to God as NOT feeding someone because they don't have the same belief system (but I see it happen in religious circles).

So now that I am on a Path to Enlightenment myself, I am attracting so many who are a part of my world that are from all walks of life! I found on all my journeys that one thing resonated throughout--either those around me understood true loyalty and compassion and the tenets of Unconditional Love, or they were held back by their comfort zone, false superiority and judgments. What a stark contrast! Now there are those I met who were more the Conditional types that have had their own awakenings and have come around to show great strides in love, compassion and service. And then I have seen those who I thought were on the path to understanding who have been caught up by societal norms, money, dogma or just plain complacency. I often see that those who can't handle change or are confronted with a challenge often stick their heads in the sand. I think this is what happened to some of my friends from my youth when I was in the middle of the divorce--I don't think any of them could handle the challenge to their own belief systems.

The Difference Between "Us V. Them" and "Us AND Them"

In my journeys the last many years, I have encountered a stark contrast in our society that has propagated and fed into Fear. If there ever was a societal basis behind the idea of a Satan or a Devil, it is the Fear that leads to separatism. I see it actually the most prominently in the majority movements that revolve around religious ideologies, especially the main 3 in our country: Christianity, Judaism and Islam. I am NOT by any means saying ALL people of faith fall into this! In fact many of you (those that would actually READ this) are much more understanding, educated, open-minded and/or enlightened to the True nature of the purpose behind belief systems in the FIRST place. Those that promote, preach and feed into separatism are creating the basis for disharmony that continues to flourish in our society.

Americans are most susceptible to it! See, we are not only subjected to the barrage of national, political hype, but we are also conditioned to choose "sides". We have national sports teams that compete against others. We have inflated loyalty to these teams and our passions behind them. Why else would there be violent encounters at games if we didn't have such conditioning? I see it in our politics even more starkly. During the elections last year, there was such a division in which "side" to vote for, when it was such a farce--neither choice was going to be favorable for the actual people of our country, because the "Us" and "Them" were not Democrats and Republicans but rather the Privileged and Non-Privileged. But this is overlooked in a society that is trained to "take sides."

Remember in grade school when you had to be on a "team"? When we were growing up, our gym teacher Coachie (that's what we called him) would choose two students and those two students had to take turns choosing teams. This led to a few students always being chosen last or feeling unwanted. It was typical. I remember times when I was one of the "choosers" and I would consciously choose based on who I thought NEEDED to be chosen rather than who was most popular, athletic or enthusiastic. I remember it being like a contest. It was so much pressure! But it taught me early to think about the choices I made long before there was a theory/principle behind it. It just was.

Not all children are born with the gift of seeing the best in others, the Divine Child, as I was. I can honestly say it wasn't always true and I wasn't always a thoughtful kid. I hurt people, just like I was hurt. I wasn't complacent by any means! And I was susceptible to peer pressure and made some poor decisions in puberty because of it (most involving dating and friendships--I wasn't exposed to challenging vices until much later). But even then, I knew that the ONLY way to be a great young woman was to be kind, generous, and giving even to a fault. And so it happened that I was part of a group of loving, non-judgmental youth, but we too were separated because of our faith. And in our home town, there were many groups that spent their time "converting" other youth to their causes, to joint their youth groups, to live in this bubble of same-faith community. Since leaving the nest of singular understanding, I have found that this can only go so far. I commend those that have taken the leap and gone into mission work or some kind of service. But for many, it has just allowed a generation of separatists to continue to enforce the ideology onto a new generation of children, and the societal divisions based on Fear are growing wider.

I know many didn't want to be friends in High School because of my Christian stand. In contrast to the fear-based ideologies though, I was just super zealous. See, it was in my own understanding of Divine Love that I wanted to share it with everyone, which was a bit too pushy for many of my classmates. Later in life, when it came down to who actually stood by me from that group of friends, only my best friends Tom and Kelly have been there for me the whole time. Tom didn't hang out with our little "religious" group, but we have been siblings since grade school. And Kelly, even in spite of our differences in beliefs now, has always been a true and giving friend.

Then, I believe the reason my life was such a dichotomy was the extreme difference in Conditional and Unconditional Love. As explained in the last couple of chapters, I have been blessed with the understanding of seeing others as I see myself BECAUSE of the Divine connection I choose. But even those who claim to be connected with the Divine are sorely off-base when they feed into the agenda that being kind is ONLY reserved to those that believe what they do. Do you see this? Which side do YOU choose to be on?

So to become more "Us AND Them" we must also take a look at how we envision those that don't believe, look or associate with us. Movies often depict the extreme in society. The ultra-wealthy grow up to either be superior in their actions and treatment of others, or they do something good with their lives to help humanity. But there is a HUGE difference in offering service to the world to make yourself look good and the acts of true genuine service! When we reach out of our world and find those that are hurting, poor, suffering, homeless, do we judge their condition? Or do we see them as we see ourselves? Wasn't I just in that same boat, TWICE in this lifetime? Most of you know me and understand I have reconstructed my life just like I have adapted to and reconstructed my faith. Many of you look at me as successful. But would you have asked if I needed help when I had nowhere to go? Would you have attempted to understand why I was lying near-dead on the side of the road or would you have walked around to the other side of the street? And not just me, but those that live in your own community?

Change the Mentality and the Faith Will Follow

I am not asking for many of you to take a radical leap. There is often an underlying ideology already that allows us to easily see the connections in humanity once we are on the path to Divine living. But the roadblock to seeing through the eyes of the Source is this little itching virus of separation that feeds off our energy by creating the drama of "Us V. Them". Folks, I have my moments. Once again I am human! I have a deep disdain for prejudice and even more disdain for hate crimes. I tend to "judge" those that commit these types of actions and I have to take a step back and figure out why. I don't believe in the turn-the-other-cheek idea completely. If I am slapped once, I usually fight back the second time I am struck (hahahaha!) but I do believe in the importance of understanding why someone would be able to live in Fear.

But take a look at what you THINK when you see others. What do you create in your world when you have a conflict with a relative, a coworker, someone on the train, a person standing in line in front of you at the grocery store? How do you respond to others when they are kind or when they are stressed? What is your natural reaction to people standing on the corners begging for money? Where do you find yourself on the side of thinking when it comes to religion, politics and nationality? And what is the most memorable experience you have about handling a situation with someone who was or is hateful? Or do you stay in such a tight-knit group that this would never happen because you are too busy talking to those within your own circles?

I want to give you something to plant in your mind as you finish this: Who are YOU in these scenarios? And would it change your life radically if you chose to find a way to be less selfish and more kind? Would you find peace if you didn't have whatever Fear it is in your heart and mind? If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I want to start getting some feedback from my friends and family about these blogs--feel free to contact me and let's have a chat about what is it that may be eating away at you. Once you begin mentally shifting your focus on treating EVERYONE as you would want to be treated, regardless of your actions, you WILL find a way to open your Faith in both Humanity and the Divine. Take the time to check it out yourself! Do one good deed, a pay-it-forward, for ONE person this week. Then tell me how you feel about your life and where you are going!

C'mon, jump aboard the Peace Train with me! Yeah, maybe I AM just a hippie in Mommy's clothing, but I have never truly been happier. It really does look great on this side!

What is Irrational in the Mind of One is Completely Sane in Another (Part I)

I have been facing some VERY strange life path issues today and within the last week. After having an amazing channeling session with my friend Joshua Magee (http://yournotthat.com/) about what to do with our lives once we acquire all this wonderful knowledge about the Spiritual development and workings within the Universe. I have been blessed by the answers, which include the fact that I AM always swimming in the right direction because the Universe will change us according to our will and our final destinations. We are designed to learn lessons in this lifetime (or recall those that may have been from other lifetimes) to teach us something, whether they be considered pleasurable or painful lessons (after all, our human selves react to ALL situations based on PAIN or PLEASURE). We create a thought form that becomes a belief based on our reaction. Our reactions, of course, are partially spiritually and partially genetically designed to determine our outcome responses.

For instance, a child goes to school and realized she is smarter than everyone else in her class. (Sorry, daughter of mine, I AM using you as an example). Her mother has spent a great amount of time educating her to read and to be aware of her Universe long before she even turns four. So her experiences within her realm of reality are based on 1. her knowledge base that was passed along to her by her mother and 2. the fact that she is already genetically pre-disposed to intelligence since both her parents were scholars. Now, within her framework, this child has a choice to use this knowledge and intelligence to baffle her teachers, to hold her superiority over her classmates, or to become lazy in school.

All these are normal responses for children to experience, especially in the realm of American school dynamics and the sociological upbringings these dynamics have manifested throughout the years. HOWEVER, my child responded to these "gifts" (knowledge, wisdom and information) with humility and often with questioning and wonder at the Universe, rather than with pride and superiority. So I am SUPER proud to say that this child grew up to be an amazing brilliant, responsible AND humble young woman who truly understands her gifts are also that and her Universe is created through her gratefulness. SO she took her spiritual self (higher self) into consideration and has been blessed because of these decisions. She created a world of positive feedback, which activates the PLEASURE center of her brain, to feed her desire to succeed in both her educational and her relational life.

I have several friends with children with disabilities. They are amazing parents! I don't know that ALL parents with children with disabilities are amazing, but my friends are. A couple of examples in particular have stuck with me. We had a young boy in our neighborhood growing up with cerebral palsy. He was a great friend to all and loved immensely among the kids. I watched how his mother, who had 2 sons much older and born "normal", was such a patient and loving and calm woman. I was so grateful and will always be grateful for her in my neighborhood because she was the mom-figure I aspired to be like the most. Her son turned out to be a great young man, who not only graduated with his high school class, but finished college. Her patience and beauty were memories that always gave me the feelings of PLEASURE. I used to babysit often for this young man when I was a teenager because I loved being around him and their family.

The other woman I am thinking of as an example is a childhood friend who still lives in our home town. She is also an amazing woman. In her case, she overcame a lot of family adversity and skewed belief systems that allowed her own mother to treat her very poorly as a child and treat her sister like she could not do anything wrong (both family patterning examples are irrational, but they seem to be ingrained beliefs that are deeply rooted). Black and white thinking is very abusive and also very common. In my friend's case, she has one son who was born with Autism. And I have never seen a more lovely example of a mother! She is such a wonderful, patient, loving woman who is raising her son to be so happy and brilliant. Her amazing tenacity and steadfast unconditional love shine through when she talks about her son. I watched her interact with him and it was apparent he is the luckiest boy on the planet to have a mother like her. He can integrate his PLEASURE feelings with those of memories with his mother.

If a child grows up with an abusive parent, in a controlling scenario, or is repeatedly rejected based on the family's "treatment" of him or her, that child may have completely different responses or reject their family altogether, depending upon the influences in his or her life. In my life, my father was and is a wonderful man. However, during my childhood, he wasn't around much. He had the responsibility, chosen or imposed, to care for many children financially (I am the oldest). My mother, on the other hand, was very Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. One day she was amazing, supportive, loving, and created a world of possibilities and experiences for us. The next, she would be upset by something and would freak out on everyone around her and impose her displeasure those closest to her, mainly her children, and principally me as the oldest.

I was NOT a quiet child. I would fight back. So by the time my father would come home, it was just a matter of time before whatever really bothered her in the first place was stuffed and not dealt with because the most pressing issue would then become her imposition of her feelings on me and my blatant disrespect for not allowing her to rant and scream without fighting back (like my poor sister often did). My brother always tried to "logically reason" with her (he is great in that way), but often she would still fly off the handle and all the logic in the world did nothing to console her aggressive and often violent outbursts. But it was only consistent in the fact that we knew, eventually every week at some point, she would lose control and we would have to emotionally be prepared for a verbal lashing.

I was not a perfect parent, especially given these examples that were definitely and deeply ingrained in my psyche. Of course, they were obviously ingrained in my mother's psyche as well, and her father, and so forth and so on... I spent the first few years of parenthood absolutely doting all over my children and couldn't be apart from them for 2 minutes. I was a "supermom" type, but I was extremely unhappy without the balance of my own self-worth and career. I became a "martyr"--home raising children because my husband told me I was not "allowed" to return to school, which imprinted a very negative and PAINFUL bitterness that festered for years. I found myself in the same stale marital situation as my parents, and my kids' father was never around and he was truly never there for me emotionally because he was too busy appeasing his parents and put his work over his family. In the long run, the ideal marriage that was suppose to be a lifetime commitment was undermined by his inappropriate action to make all our marital decisions with his father's control and his mother's passive insistence. But that is not the point of this reflection today. Our marriage did fall apart and I left him because I had had enough being ignored and disrespected and dishonored. And it is totally okay not to put up with verbal and emotional abuse.

But in the course of life events after I went to college and before I actually left my lifeless marriage ten years later, there was a time I could feel myself slipping into the role and becoming the very mother figure with whom I was raised (miserable about my failing marriage, lonely, sad, and several times I lost my temper--yet I always curbed it and ALWAYS apologized to my children, which changes the story drastically). This subtle transformation into negativity was a shock and a horror to me! I never ever in a million years wanted to pass that to my children! So I left the man who was imposing these beliefs on me (male superiority, male and religious privilege, financial superiority, and emotional berating), and I chose to be a single mother. As stated in previous chapter, that didn't turn out well, because there were so many moments I was lonely and would not allow myself to be alone, which led to several bad relationships and several plans to escape. The PAIN center of my life was becoming difficult to manage, so I would run from it, but it always appeared in a new and different form because it was one of my life path lessons.

So the PAIN of the marital situation, which mimicked the PAIN Of the parental situation (I married a version of my mother), led me to pull my proverbial hand away from the stove and I chose to leave. Since then, their reactions (both of them) have responded to me out of jealousy, hatred, vengeance and my mother tried everything to ruin my relationship with my children. Once again, one person's skewed view of life being "unfair" and that because they were not given a break gives one false liberty to hurt others or martyr themselves. Classic Greek Tragedy stories. Which I maintain to this day were and are also genetically linked behaviors in humanity. Betrayal, however, is in my judgment and in MY belief system, the most unforgivable crime. Though this is truly not a reality (everything is an illusion), it is only an attachment that remains from my feelings attached to the divorce, my mother siding with my ex-husband, my youngest sister's betrayal by lying in court to give him custody (and having a relationship with him, also out of vengeance) and my ex-father-in-law still imposing his control by imprinting his male superiority onto his son and maintaining that belief system to this day. It has, however, caused my children and I GREAT PAIN and so we all have reacted differently to it according to our mind's pain reaction to the situation. I continue to write and fight for the just outcome to be done, but my three children are just trying to forget it had ever happened and run from the PAIN, rather than face it.

So we have covered that successes and positive feedback lead to PLEASURE responses and negative and dishonoring feedback lead to PAIN responses. We call the latter in psychology fight or flight. Obviously my most painful examples are used as thus because I am going through this major transformation with them as they are deeply embedded into my PAIN centers of my brain. in my discovery, I have established a median line: all experiences cause both PAIN and PLEASURE. For example, one event that brings a PLEASURE response, like meeting a love interest for the first time, may be the cause of PAIN for that partner's ex. The love interest (in my case, several of them) then finds himself wandering off or getting back together with the ex, both to avoid PAIN and instigate PLEASURE. And thus that first memory of the meeting of that person can no longer be thought of as exclusively a pleasurable experience.

Thus this leads me to my most current situations. I have found that a series of enjoyable events, mainly in traveling across the country with my partner, are not as enjoyable in my memory as they once were. We have torn apart the trip and both assigned negative consequences to everything pleasurable about the trip. It was an amazing learning experience and I definitely felt at the time I was swimming in the right direction. However, now that there are negative memories attached to each of those experiences, I have to reevaluate what is PLEASURE to my memory is not necessarily that to my partner, nor the other way around. But once again, the reality is that what I believe to be a great memory may not be what another would find as great. As we are analyzing our successes and failure over the last year, I have come to discover I find that most of our PAIN-based experiences were our greatest learning lessons, but our minds cannot fathom letting the PAIN out of our consciousness in order to let the experience go.

For example, when we were in Florida this past Spring, we made a 2 week detour to Orlando. We found that hotels in Kissimmee were by the national average the least expensive hotel rates per week of any hotel in the country. So we checked into a weekly hotel and had a few extra days intermittently while we were there at other places. We had made a little money while acting in New Orleans and between that and a tax return, we were able to get a 4-day pass to Universal Studios. That adventure, by far, was my favorite part of our trip and to this day the memories attached to the theme park and how we are both avid movie fans (thus why we own a production company) gave us childlike joy when experiencing the adventures we did. We rode The Hulk ride and saw The Blues Brothers Show and experienced Harry Potter's Hogworts Kingdom and laughed hysterically at the Simpsons ride...and the tribute to Lucille Ball and the Tower of Doom and the Jurassic Park ride...okay, I could go on. But it was in the 4 days that I felt the closest to James and felt that overwhelming PLEASURE of our closeness and our happy memories.

But in a most recent argument, as all couples do, we are stressing over money and our trip to Orlando came up. He is still angry at the amount of money it cost to be there and take that trip. That was a surprise because I thought it was such a magical time together, and it really hurt me. I was saddened by the response. Since then we have begun to talk through why it is SO important to create these memories that are positive. As I pressured him into staying the extra time, I have to apologize for my part in making the memories attached more PAINFUL than PLEASURABLE. In the apology, he has two ways to respond: accept it for an error in judgment and let it go, or hold onto the regret and not allow it to heal as a memory that carries both LOVE and FEAR (the pain of losing money).

This goes back to my example of parenting. If we make a mistake as a parent, we cannot expect our children to forgive us! But we can expect them to have a different memory attached to a bad parenting experience IF we choose to say we are sorry for what we have done. This is truly the only way to change a "bad" memory into a "good" one. This actually has a similar resonance that vibrates with emotions. We can either vibrate in Love or in Fear. I have covered this in many of my past writings. However this vibration, this memory, this attached emotion can only be totally resolved if there is a consistent change in parenting as well, such as in this example. Any experience that leads one to have to repeatedly say "I'm sorry" but never really mean it or resolve it, will then have to continue to get the same responses from the injured parties of such decisions.

So we can only lead by example. We can create great memories for ourselves, our children, and those around us. We have the choice to deal with all life experiences and attach emotions to those experiences. However, as I will further in the second half of my resolution, I will show that it is in the process of transforming all of these memories and thoughts into learning moments by NOT attaching a label to the experience (as I learned in our talk on Saturday with Joshua and his friends) that we are truly free then to vibrate only in accordance to our TRUE NATURE, or higher self, and only allow experiences that resurface to do so in order to process them, not to use them to fuel an emotional flame from days past. This process is not easy and I would LOVE to walk everyone through it in my next writing.