The Phoenix Arises - The Dragon Emerges

There is such a powerful connection to the New Year. It is a great tradition celebrated by everyone on the planet. We have such a blessing being able to see celebrations all over the planet. Fireworks spread from Sydney to Moscow to Beijing to Rio de Janeiro. The New Year brings longer days. The New Year brings love and joy and kisses and reunions and death and transformation and awakenings. Life is full of hopes and promises and sunrises, all because of the New Year.

The Phoenix arises. There is a great comfort that the Earth we live on has seasons. It is such a comfort to have snow on the ground that is filled with sleeping seeds. It is rising from the ashes of burned fall leaves fertilizing the cold earth. The chrysalis that is formed around the wounded is hardening but the soft wings of redemption and renewal are forming their bright colors. There is a reason why the hearts and minds of humanity mimic nature. We all experience transformation in order to learn. But what we choose to do with that revelation is up to us.

In the year 2013, there were so many strange events that happened and so many unusual world events. This was the warmest year globally in recorded human history. We had more tragedies and continued war in the Middle East and Syria. The U.S. Government shut down, but it is still not fixed. Another super typhoon devastation hit, this time in the Philippines. Human stem cells were finally successfully cloned. We lost Margaret Thatcher and Nelson Mandela. Pope Benedict XVI resigned. And we experienced a great tragedy with the Boston Marathon bombing. We now have drones killing people in retaliation for suicide bombings. We have extremist groups (mainly Muslim) attacking large-scale bombings and assaults, like the one at the Kenyan mall and the many bombings in Nigeria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Dagestan. There was an 8.0 earthquake off the coast of the Solomon Islands. Lance Armstrong admitted to “doping” and lost his titles. Same-sex marriage was legalized in the U.K. Estonia is the first country to implement nationwide electric car outlets. A 2 year old girl in the U.S. is the first ever to be actually cured of AIDS. France passes same-sex marriage. North Korea declares war with South Korea. Brazil passes same-sex marriage, while Russia makes it illegal for same-sex couples to adopt Russian children. Croatia becomes the 26th state in the E.U. Detroit, Michigan files for bankruptcy. The Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons wins the Nobel Peace Prize. A 7.7 earthquake devastates Pakistan. We end up having another school shooting here in Colorado—the shooter killed both a senior in high school and himself. But in spite of the state of the World being in complete chaos, the Dow and S&P both hit record highs. If we were to go only based on the state of World affairs, we would all be doomed. But I also truly see a pattern in the increase of awareness and enlightenment.

We celebrated the March Against Monsanto this year. We woke up our own nation to marital equality. We are finally addressing medical insurance and care, even though our first round of Obamacare V. the Insurance Racket is still up for grabs and not even closely settled. Facebook still is number one in Social Media and has become the greatest experiment in social anarchy of all times. Giant corporations keep getting stronger, we keep feeding into the system of Materialism, but banks are no longer getting any bailouts (save for the country of Cyprus). Winter still came and is freezing the Northern Hemisphere. But life still goes on.
Now is the time to hibernate. Now is the time to reflect and write. Now is the time to light the hearth fires warming the hearts of the lost and downtrodden. Now is the time to go within and start another year of awakening souls to the spreading awareness and renewal of Spirit.

New Year Resolutions—Creating the Fire of Passion

For 2014, I am dedicated to spread the message of Awakening. I want to open the network of high-minded people so we can reconstruct the norms--the popular, shallow lifestyle of convenience, processed foods, hiding behind computer screens, plastic money, instant gratification and a la carte religion; we need to find a way to open a new forum. The past seems so far away with the lightning speed of internet modernity. The traditional ways of keeping our heads in the sand while Big Corporate America tells us how to think are also over. So we have no choice but to find a new paradigm. For me personally, this reflects in how I run my life, relate to my family, and deal with both the past and the future—our job is to stir the pot. My first intention in 2014 is to get real. Honesty and spiritual reflection. It’s worth the effort. Try it.

I am living exactly the life I expected to live. I still have unfinished business. Yet in this time of renewal, those tasks I must finish are also the very things I strive to accomplish because they are a part of my quest. It has taken longer than I expected to fulfill my visions and manifest my values. I have had a list of accomplishments to complete. Here are the ones I know I am committed to complete this year and beyond:

1. Finish all my classes to complete my Doctorate. So, according to the plan, I have 2 Organic Chem classes, 2 Physics classes and Anatomy and Physiology. In order to do so, I also have to finish the reviews of Biology and Chemistry. So I have my work cut out for me. Especially at 45. But anything is possible. And I am forever the believer in the possible.
2. Attend my daughter Jacquelyn’s high school graduation. My hope is to first take my kids on one last vacation to Florida to see my son Christopher, THEN we watch Jacqui graduate, THEN we celebrate our new life together…my children will ALL be adults! Jacqui turns 18 in August!

3. This leads to the next task: To finish my memoirs about my life in the last 14 years. I left my children at age 30 so I could live after surviving a terrible marriage and abusive prison. I endured losing my identity because there was a need for power and control from my partner. The last three years of marriage sent me into a deep depression. Either I left and regained who I was or stayed and lost everything…so I left. And now, after a decade and a half, I have come full circle, reunited with my children, found my true love and created the life I manifested. I allowed my pain to transform. I gave myself permission to let go. And now I can share this with everyone I love.

4. Complete the screenplay I started in 2013. I know it is worth it. I also know how valuable it will be when completed. I look forward to the day I see it produced!

5. Spread the word about Mannatech. I work for a company that has found a scientific way to tap into the body’s natural renewal systems. I personally know what it can do, how it helps people get their lives back, and how it will lead Mark and I into the new phase of our life. I have committed to those I have been teaching. I am committed to find those who want to lead. Everyone wins. It’s a blessing to be able to bring nutrition and health to so many, and in the process, work for a company that offers nutrition to thousands of starving children. One day we will see millions fed by what we are doing. This is my motivation—to help my family and the future of our world. I love my job!

6. I will be a rock and a strong leader for our family. I have always been blessed to see a light at the end of every tunnel. It will be a year of change. I will continue to support and love our daughter Virginia, who is in college and needs our strength and health knowledge. I will continue to grow our relationships with our daughter Jacquelyn and support our son Christopher, who is in the Navy. And I will spend time visiting and connecting with our combined family. This year, I will be making our home, finding a place to grow our hearts, our garden and our friendships. I will solidify our beliefs and finding our spiritual center.

7. I am working an amazing part-time job that I love dearly. I love working at a doll store, making young girls so happy. But I know that the only way to true joy for me is to turn my work and trade into a more meaningful pursuit. Yes, it is fun to work at a place of such joy. But it is even better to create ways to heal people. All my work will be aligned accordingly.

8. I will tend my first full-NON-GMO garden. This is a lot of work. But it is worth the effort. My intention is to create a unified place for anyone to share in a truly community-based process. There will be other great intentional projects to do as well: making tinctures, processing our own sauces, brewing our own mead, and making community meals.

9. It’s time to travel again! Next plan, this summer, I am taking my children to Orlando to see Universal Studios and visit the Harry Potter Kingdom. It’s a destination for my family. I raised them all on Harry Potter. It will be a momentous reunion!! This is also the first reunion of my children and I since our last vacation to Miami in 2007. The summer of 2007 was the last time we were all together and the time I missed being with them was horrific for me. Christopher moved back to his father’s that school year and I was kept from seeing him for 5 years. It was traumatic, but as I stated, because the marriage and family system were based on my ex’s feelings and mine were always disregarded, it was typical. I am sad I lost all that time with my children. But now, it is more important that I let them know who I am and how strong I have become. This reunion will be the way to show that to them even more.

10. Every good New Year’s resolution would not be complete without a commitment to go to the gym. Since last year I attended a gym I wasn’t thrilled to attend—and I couldn’t get there regularly—I am searching for a place that is more like me. I love dancing! I have taken to Rumba classes and would also love ballet again. Looking into Denver’s possibilities. Next year, I can attend more through the University.

11. I have always fluctuated in my spirituality, but it has remained strong. My goal this year is to be more consistent in learning what my heart longs to find. I am seeking a balanced life that allows me to live unconditionally. I am limited. I am human. I have pursued a life of giving. This path was set for me long ago. And in my transformation, I have stayed strong in loving others as I love myself. I have been given the blessing of understanding that wisdom. I know there are many who cannot accept that part of me—I cannot love those who choose hate, jealousy, narcissism. There is nothing I can do to change their paths. But I can still be true to my own nature.

12. The greatest gift I can give to myself this year, and to those who know me and may even read what I write, is the gift of allowance. I allow myself permission to complete the tasks set out before me. I allow myself the blessing of a healthy body, a sound mind, an amazing family and a strong marriage. I allow myself to be true to my nature, intellectually and emotionally. I allow my life to flourish. I am not competing with anyone else. I am not succumbing to having to have “stuff” I don’t need. I don’t need to be anyone else. I am so grateful for this revelation. And to my friends, family and those who can’t see beyond their own images or perceptions of me, I promise I am going to continue to love, to teach, to parent, to learn, to pursue, to be a great wife and mother, to be a passionate leader, and to stand up for those who need a voice. It will be another wonderful year of getting to know what the Universe has in store for each and every one of us!

Wishing everyone an amazing New Year! Blessings to you all!

Chapter 6--Unconditional Love Leads To an Unconditional Life

I began writing my thoughts and journeys down in September 2009. I will eventually edit all of my material as I have gained great wisdom and knowledge since beginning this journey. However, I can see the progression is greatly enhanced by this revelation: That we must live our lives in Unconditional Love. It seems idealistic. Many have told me I wear "rose-colored glasses." But the Truth comes out when one finally crosses that Threshold into understanding a connection with the Divine and not allowing daily circumstances to break that connection, but rather enhance it. It is living in one's Center, finding one's God, having one's Divine inspiration...it all relates to crossing a bridge that when on the other side seems like such a fond memory to a new beginning.

In Chapters 1 and 2, I created a definition for dichotomy and balance in life. My desire was to cover examples of life's contrasts--the Yin and Yang of "good" and "bad" thought, which ultimately leads to questioning WHY do we perceive something is one way or the other? The conclusions became that everything happens for the purpose of 1. Creating contrast in life lessons along the way to allow us to see if we are in line with our higher learning path and 2. Defining experiences and people in our lives as those we are able to connect with Conditionally or Unconditionally.

In Chapters 3 and 4, I define what IS Love. I go into detail over the definitions of Love in its many forms and then how it connects to us in relationships. But these definitions are limited by our worldly scope of Love if they separate our individual self from our Divine Creator. It may come across as academic, but it is in finding that Love is so diverse that we often find ourselves categorizing our feelings for others based on our definitions rather than what we see in them by "walking a mile in their moccasins." These definitions allow relatability. I absolutely love seeing those around me through that lens! In spite of our own thoughts, behaviors and attractions, we still have a Divine connection that shows us what we need to learn. So what is your goal in this lifetime? To see the thread in everything around you? Or to allow yourself to be limited by what you are told to be the truth?

The reason I am asking the choice here is much like when Morpheus asks Neo if he wants the red or the blue pill in the movie The Matrix. Once your eyes have seen beyond the scope in front of you, once you become blind to skin color, age, race, religion, region and social class, you also see that connection that allows us to rise in consciousness and elevate humanity. Now, I have seen many who have been given the SAME choices as I and challenges as I have and they chose to remain where they were in their own reality. I see it all the time now because it is so contrasting to what I feel and believe. In fact, I am often "accused" of being and thinking OUTSIDE reality. I do. This is a given once you cross into the Threshold of Divine Living. I don't have to engage with those that believe in the limitation of what our awakening allows. However, I still choose to commune with those that understand being alive in our world is to be open to the infinite possibility, vibrate on the level of Love, and reach out to those around us who are also striving to find this path.

So what I discovered is that those around me are a reflection of my Universe and I often find the Truth between experiences, encounters, words and reflections within these connections! So using this format, I am looking at what I see in the World and what I see in the Collective Consciousness and find a way to bridge these worlds together--Earth and Divine--by observing my world from the outside-the-box point-of-view! And within that framework, I find thankfulness for my entire journey!

Gratefulness for the Journey to the Truth

I have to admit that the switch didn't happen overnight, even after experiencing challenges that would push many other more open individuals to that moment of enlightenment. It was a lot more subtle for me on my journey. As I expressed in the last chapter, I had a lot of Conditional Love examples that led me to learn more and more about what path I did NOT want to take. I chose to allow friendships, partnerships, and even family relationships to remain long after they had become negative or self-serving BECAUSE I love them. I remember incidences throughout my life of friends that used me for my talent, my looks, my intellect and my faith. Many of the "vampire energies" that I have allowed to exist came in through the door of love. I was incapable of separating Love and Service from being used. This was also a byproduct of my upbringing, belief system and social conditioning. But I am grateful for all my life lessons!

Now we have this crazy thing called Facebook that we use to connect with other people. I have had many relationships reconnected through this virtual forum. It's amazing! Think of this--millions of us connect in order to share information, stories, memories and often ideologies and passions. It has been a brilliant social experiment for the world! So many other forums offered similar means of connecting for many different reasons. Since the internet has become a household entity, we have had Myspace around for a while for connecting, Twitter for networking, LinkedIn for business, Meetup.com for hosting groups, and now we have all kinds of virtual sites for marketing, class reunions, dating, and sharing interests. We have the giants like Google, Wikipedia, and all these virtual news sources to feed us information. The World is at our fingertips! And what do many of us do? Pass pictures of kittens to one another and play online video games. I find it quite fascinating!

So I have discovered that if I use all these mediums, virtually post my expressions of Love and Light to whomever in my Universe is listening (including this blog!), I am creating a space for allowing others to come into my world as well and to open to my awareness. Many are already there and come as a friend and peer in this Journey. And these are the folks I keep attracting. I find myself feeling such gratefulness and community thanks to these connections...many of which are still only virtual. I do attempt to create as many face-to-face connections as possible. In fact, that is what I live for--traveling, journeys to see other people, connecting to find out of there are ways to get these messages out to many. I collaborate when I write. I depend on my closest friends and family for guidance as well as keeping my focus on reality. And I find that I still resonate with those who want to live an altruistic lifestyle. I desire a gift-society living and I am creating this life for myself and living this way with my family.

Several years ago I had a series of crossroad moments that allowed me to move toward these directions and attract these kinds of communities. I have covered the challenges (Conditional Love) in relationships. I encountered issues that included commitment to myself and my path, the ability to transform a relationship with loving kindness, and the abrupt ending of those relationships that vibrated into different directions for whatever reason. To expand these patterns in relationships, I was recently reminded of the connections I have made with other movie producers. I have also been partnered with many of these business relationships, but when I set the intention of looking for a mutual ground, I am often met with resistance. There are still many who live for themselves but do not VALUE the work done, monetarily or otherwise. Since it has no "value" then the work is not considered work at all and often I have been taken for granted by my generosity. These moments then defined my movement.

For instance, I began this Journey of Enlightenment while I was working for a movie producer as his Network Specialist. We had a great working relationship but no contracts. He showed me how to focus on creating the environment and life you want by putting my Spiritual attractions to work in our business. It seemed to work for a time. I told him I needed to be paid for my work or I couldn't work with him anymore and he told me no. So I learned a lot from our agreement, but wasn't honored in pay or for what I was worth, which became a question: what AM I worth? Then I moved on to partner with other people, learned to run a production company myself, and have made a choice to step out of that arena when a new path presented itself returning to acting and learning to master screenwriting. The more I plan to produce and create works that are high-minded, the more high-minded the connections I am making. And my lesson--self-worth--reflects now even more strongly when contrasted by those who don't see that within themselves.

Since my movie producer partner faded away into the distance, we always come around to reconnect in one way or another. He unfortunately lost his girlfriend at the same time my ex died in 2011, so we had a reason to communicate on a personal level. My world has become greater thus the distance between degrees of separation are smaller. I am actively involved with people in my spiritual community in Denver. I am also working in partnership to write and create several entities that will reflect our strong ideologies on film. I find that we all know a lot of the same people. Many chose to "take sides" when I left my last relationship because he too was widely connected. But those that have stayed "friends" (whether virtually or on a regular basis) are showing that they don't have a need to be Conditional with me! This is a great progress I have had with my friendships--they continue to reconnect and it is happening with more and more friendships as I write.

Seeking the Truth from Humanity's Reflection

So not only do I have these great mediums to express my gratefulness, these connections that are inspired by the Divine, but I also have the blessings of the connections to the Truth. Another pattern I encountered in my Journey was finding the right Spiritual Truths when I asked for them! Remember, many of Life's Lessons come from a yearning to seek an answer, even if it appears in a form unpleasant or difficult to handle. I have learned about my own strong desire to be independent because I am watching my daughter mimic and reflect my very essence when I was her age and in college. I also see a reflection of my awakening in the young people I have encountered the last few years in my travels and here in our spiritual groups. When they have an "ah-hah moment" I am reminded of my own blessings. I am also reminded of my humanity when I see a young person fail to achieve their goal and end up in disappointment. I can comfort them and it also comforts me to know that not everything happens as we set out to create it. BUT if we are open to it, the Higher Path will lead us to where we are suppose to be going.

I have a great example. Often the truth of the world's view comes out of the mouths of babes. Children often indicate a gauge to our wellness by their words, often just blurted out. I have had nephews and nieces and friends' children tell me things like, "Why do you look so different? Why are you so (skinny, big, old, etc)?" My first thought becomes, "What have I done to my body?" Oftentimes in stress I have allowed my body to fluctuate and my body appearance changes when I am in these situations--thus this thought gives me an indicator on what I might have to look at to change. In my experience I have had to look at the reasons behind the questions as well, so I don't have negative thoughts at any time about my appearance per se nor about the child that asked the question by any means! I have been told by another child that I am the most beautiful woman they have seen! (That was one of my adoring nephews). But I do take these signs into consideration IF I feel I may be on the wrong track for some reason. Yet many times I see this as a reflection of the World in general as to how I am intended to be by their standards. So am I focusing on the wrong thoughts? Does this analysis make sense to you? Do you judge or reflect yourself to the world in a way that is allowing your light to shine through as the Creation that you are? So when they ask, "Why do you look so different?" you can answer, "because I am so joyful!" Thinking within as a reflection of the Divine rather than on the surface became an imperative leap of understanding in my journey.

Children are well-known for pointing out other things too. One child used to ask me, "Do you believe in Jesus like my mommy does?" to which I answered, "I do believe that Jesus was here for a reason. I believe you are here too, right in front of me, for a reason! We all exist here for a reason." Another used to ask me, "How old are you really?" to which I answered, "How old do you want me to be?" One child asked me why I don't have my own house. Another wants to know why I have chosen not to buy another car. I then look at the Path I have chosen and I am grateful for what I have decided to do with each choice along the way. I also have had children ask me why I was in a specific relationship, which in a nutshell was an litmus test to what I was reflecting and often asking myself at the same time. These are all thoughts stemmed from a societal awakening that they are experiencing. These thoughts intrigue me as I examine their origins--faith, social status, possessions--but often they are indicators upon examination of the way the World looks at me. So I ask, am I too seeing myself from a worldly point-of-view or am I focusing on what I can do for my family, for my community and those around me? The answer more and more has been I am on the RIGHT PATH and everything else becomes superfluous.

So how did I take all of these encounters into consideration? I began to think of myself in Divine terms as I encountered people, as having the Spirit within and seeing their Spirit as well. And these definitions of self I reflected back to those around me. Going back to seeking for Spiritual Truths, when I began searching for peers and teachers who I could resonate with, I sought for those around me to be forthright, but for the right reasons! Then I began to attract those who would call me out on my limitations, stop me from thinking Conditionally, and give me an honest feedback to where I was heading. I had a few close friends in 2009 when I began this writing that would reflect with me and point me in the right direction. Now I am blessed with hundreds of new connections throughout the world!

The Rest of My Journey Up To Now

So how did I cross this bridge over to Unconditional Love? As I concluded above, I first chose to take a path starkly different than the ones my relationships were on (especially after leaving Colorado and visiting my old stomping grounds in Chicago the Summer of 2009 with my daughter and my best friends Tom and Greg). Then I found compassion from those who understood my major life changes, especially since I left the negativity AND all my belongings behind. All I had at that point was the car I was driving and the suitcases I was carrying. I then found my self-worth through exploring my relationship with others in business and chose to work in positions only making what I was worth. There were a couple of exceptions to the rule this past year while settling into new environments, but that is to be expected. And I finally decided to look at myself through the lens of the Divine, rather than the World.

I no longer need material things, though I enjoy some comforts and I have excellent taste because I love to decorate. I use the skills I have learned basically everyday, from business to parenting to leadership from an Unconditional point of view. I analyze everything I do and for what purpose it has come into my life at the time that it does. I write out my conflicts and lessons in this form, in my screenwriting developments, in novel and in poetry. I embrace rather than run from emotions and I stand up for myself when I am wronged. I am not passive or quiet in my passions, in fact I am rather outspoken and forthright when asked. I don't limit my conversations to help others unless it has a non-Unconditional based motive, like those that want my attention for romantic pursuits rather than on a true friendship level. And I have found myself on the other side of these realizations in a wonderful, loving family environment!

My family life here in Denver is wonderful! It is exactly where we are meant to be. We are learning gifts from one another because we choose to cherish one another! This is such a simple thought but it is powerful and inspires greatness from all of us. I am running a business with my family, enjoying raising a step-daughter, looking for ways to expand our business and my writing through travel, creating concepts that will elevate our purposes and give the world around us a little more hope. I accept my humanity in the forms of the occasional illness, a momentary lapse of reason, an outburst of frustration every once in a while. I am a Spiritual person here having a Physical experience on this planet! This is how I look at any situation--through a Spiritual filter.

I also believe in Karma. Everyone who I have wronged I have either had a chance to reconcile or have been able to let go of the situation. There are a few exceptions because of a continued conflict, mostly revolving around my children. I allowed myself to be treated in an inferior way by not placing a value on my own skills and talents as a mother, guardian and partner in previous relationships. Now my wonderful partner Mark and our adorable other-mother Amber and our daughter all seek to honor one another's gifts and I feel so blessed to be venerated for what I do. I love my life and I am finally finding that "home" where before I was always running, travelling, seeking the answers elsewhere. I find the beauty of the Universe's Unconditional Love in energy given to create, write, sing, meditation, honor and thank one another. And now it is time to do something with this Unconditional Love and Divine Knowledge! This is the next step on my Journey to Enlightenment--where should we put all our love and overflowing passion?

The Smoldering Fire of Relationship Anger—Dealing with Depression, Sadness and Fear

The Battle Scars of Soul Contracts

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

My scales are shedding. I can fly high and far now. I can see the sadness and destruction among the trees and the barren lands that once were a beautiful deep forest. I connect with the species of the Earth that are now being eliminated by selfish and profit-hungry humans. I see the faces of the children in Africa and the Middle East, Asia and even in North America who are huddling in makeshift shelters and crying for lack of food. I cannot feed or care for them all. It is not within my power. It pains me and my heart sends me back to my cave to gather strength for my next flight.

As I return to my own shelter, both physically and in my mind, I am attacked by those around me! In spite of my strength, I am not strong enough to protect myself from their blows, especially their words or their actions. As I matured in my youth, I often returned from these trips of understanding to find those around me so blind to their own behaviors. I respond to their fire and claws with my own defenses, baring my teeth, screaming and returning the fire. Then I retreat to the cavern to mourn the encounter. I have spent years in my reflective, “Hermit” times collecting these memories and analyzing them for what they are: my attackers are reflections of my own Ego. Thus I must retreat and go deep within the cave and find out what I can do about my own kind.

Hurt attracts hurt. Anger fuels anger. I attracted selfishness, depression, sadness, guilt, shame, blame and fear. These are the fires I battle, the lessons I challenge. I honor my faults as a part of my scars and growing pains. I have endured many swords and arrows, licked my wounds, hid deep within the mountain, and recovered. But I will always be grateful that I can go back into these memories and see them as Soul Contracts with those I attracted. Truly, I have found that my deepest wounds, those times when I was injured the most and the cuts run deepest, were the claw marks and tears from those that I loved the most.

You may be surprised to find out that we all have Soul Contracts. If you haven’t heard of them, we can spend some quality time addressing yours if you wish. But I believe after reading this section, you will be able to recognize yours and start to heal them when you are ready. It is in our relationship contracts during this lifetime that we learn our lessons and grow into the beings we are supposed to be.

Simply put, Soul Contracts are the Soul Mate relationships that have significant meaning in our lives here on the planet, including our parents, our children and our closest loved ones, including friends, significant dating relationships and/or spouses. If you believe as I do that we are Spiritual beings here having a Physical experience on this planet, you will agree no matter what flavor of belief you adopt, we meet the ones we are closest to for a significant reason. We are here to learn and grow. We are here to fly and dive and swim and play and laugh. We are here to mourn and hurt and suffer as well. This is why we are human!

Many believe we choose our parents before we are born. This I understand to be a most important Contract because they are the most influential members of our lives early on, whether as a positive example for adulthood or as a significant challenge to outgrow and learn what not to do any longer. Regardless if you believe we were connected with any of our Soul Mates before this lifetime or not, we know that environmentally, our families play a major role in our development in all aspects of life. Most often, our parent, sibling and additional familial relationships influence our choices whether we are education-oriented, whether we pursue careers or are complacent in a workplace job, and where we worship our Creator or if we choose to believe in one at all.

Once we are in our Sacred Initiation, our choices for friends, our mentors and teachers, and our activities and goals are influenced by additional, long-term Soul Mates. Often, we make our life plans based on our peers, our dating relationships and how we choose to leave the proverbial nest. We often choose formative Soul Mates in our post-high-school years as well, both as potential long-term partners and long-term friends. I have seen a pattern sociologically that the majority of adults stay in touch with their very closest friends in high school and college specifically and then they choose to loosely connect with acquaintances from other life encounters as needed or in social situations (e.g. coworkers, community members, etc.) I am more social than almost anyone I know, so thus I have hundreds of friends and acquaintances. In fact, on my social network sites, I actually know the majority of the people that I am “friends” with on those sites, other than the business acquaintances I keep on the business-related ones. I believe it is important to maintain healthy and long-term friendships.

Our deepest Soul Mate relationships are in our private, romantic connections with significant partners, spouses and lovers. The influences they have within our psychic sphere are strongest because, just like our parents, there is a strong emotional attachment to these relationships. With the exception of those who are unable to attach emotionally (whether because of a mental disability or a social phobic disorder), the majority of us crave to be in a community. The basic need to be met in our Soul Mate relationships is the need to love and be loved. We are not meant to be alone, but everyone’s idea of a partner relationship differs by sex and gender, gender preference, belief system, environmental upbringing and connectivity level.

I definitely don’t mean to come across so academic when I write about what I actually have a lot of passion discovering and teaching myself. I am truly reflective and grateful for all my Soul Mate relationships, even the most difficult. And I have learned to be who I am because of each and every one of them. Again, the Dragon self must see his or her reflection in others and actually understand or be aware of that reflection in order to learn from the experiences. I can see parts of myself in every dating partner and marriage relationship I have had—both positive and negative traits. This is so important for me to be able to relate all my experiences in my coaching, training and student development as well. But this also has given me a humble perspective on my own behavior and how to set strong boundaries with others in order to respect and love myself as the Creation of the Universe that I am. I may have reflections, but I am my own being. All of us are unique. It is the beauty of the dance of humanity.

Relationships—the Catalyst for Pain and Drama

A majority of my psychological and sociological studies have involved the ideas of archetypes. This is both a Jungian-based academic concept and a sociologically patterned Spiritual concept to me. Archetypal studies and understanding these patterns gives me the basis in which I can become a character/persona of depth and meaning. Archetypes, simply put, are behaviors that are categorized and build a specific personality type. Every human role is an Archetype, from the Hero to the Magician to the Bully and to the Slave. To become a great actress, one must be prepared for a life of tragedy and sadness. This is somewhat a prerequisite to become the best of the best in both storytelling and in performance. How can one become a true lover, a mother, or a divorcee if one hasn’t been through those archetypes as I have? My life has been given the mosaic path of constant pain and drama of these Soul Mate partnerships to teach me my soul’s strength and life’s passion. I can’t have the perspective of gratefulness without the horrors of remorse and regret. With all my extreme experiences, I am just so glad I survived!

I wasn’t always a psychologically-aware individual. And even now, I can’t say my relationships have shown that I am actually a “healthy” woman or not. You see, most of my attractions and Soul Mate relationships have been tragic, destructive and explosive in some way, leaving the debris of broken dreams and severed family connections, either with my partner’s family or within my own. Add a healthy dose of “dysfunctional,” alcoholic-style behaviors on both sides of my family and the likelihood of a successful partnership was just sabotaged greatly by the attractions of others with similar family backgrounds. I heard once from a counseling friend that we can be in a room with 100 potential partners and we always attract the one unhealthy attraction over the potential 99 other more healthy relationship choices. It took dozens of these unhealthy relationships to finally see and break the attraction patterns. Starting early on, I allowed myself to become derailed from my original passions but it ultimately led me to where I am today.

Instead of reflecting deeply upon the hurt from each relationship, I can tell you that I have experienced many facets of these challenges. I will expound only upon the most challenging of all the Soul Mate relationships in my life. In 1999, I lost my children in a terrible and destructive custody battle that left the three of them and my Soul scarred for life. I fought back and regained my rights as a parent after two years of preparing for the battle, experiencing great rage and an insatiable driving force to protect my children from the same destructive belief system that was imposed upon me during the marriage. My kids’ father never knew how to love anyone but himself. This was not completely his fault, as he was raised to be narcissistic, yet it carried over into our family. I was content not to be in a relationship, desiring greatly to be a doctor. Yet the day we met, I knew he was the father of my children. Thus we were meant to meet as the Soul Parents of the three wonderful beings I call my Angels.

Unfortunately, this Soul Mate relationship ended worse than you can imagine. Those individuals, such as my ex and his family, who can never admit they are wrong and find that in order to support their own ideologies, they must find someone to hate and blame. I have even recently known of this continued anger and abuse by this family because they systematically and illegally kept my two younger children from having any contact with me. My ex-in-laws are the principle offenders, perpetuating a cycle of fear and hatred they started in order to control those around them. And they do it in the name of their god Jesus. But this too is a Contract I have faced. Unlike them, I am saddened by their inability to break free from the pattern and I am even more saddened that it has now poisoned my own children. Yet truth be told, we all have the ability to break free from these scenarios, often at a great price. I will explain further in another chapter, but those scars they inflicted upon me and my family run very deep. I am truly and humbly grateful for my own path, which allowed me freedom from such fear-based ideology and from the pride that comes from being stuck in such a terrible and infective dogma.

I also dealt with physical and emotional abuse from a partner who was bi-polar shortly after the divorce. I attracted this partner because of my self-loathing after such a traumatic event. With all the lies that the family aforementioned spread about me, I truly degraded myself and my worth. Now I realize it was a symptom to a greater problem and I am free from the degradation. Between the allowance of this relationship and the one with the kids’ father, I am amazed I am not vengeful or bitter. I am grateful for being able to let go what is not my battle. I lost my path and my way home during those times because of anger’s stronghold on my drive to fight for a better life and to battle abuse and control. I have experienced numbness and great loss. I have a deep and unending love for my children that will never die. And in spite of my true closeness to my oldest daughter who lives near me, my other two children are not allowed to know of this unconditional love I have for them and always had. And at the time, I was truly not able to express these emotions to them because I was so caught up in the sadness of the situation. Once the abusive and controlling relationships were broken, however, I was able to find new paths and new happiness.

I have been truly in love. I believe out of all the Soul Mate relationships I can honestly say that it happened only three times so far, and because of the controlling nature of the aforementioned Soul Mate relationships, I didn’t truly love either of them. Infatuation is not love. Placing one’s self in a position above or below another person is infatuation. True Love between Soul Mates is that connection from the Higher Self that leads two Soul Mates to connect on a Spiritual and Equal Level. I mean the kind of love that binds you and holds you together in a permanent connection with the other person. Soul Contracts are not all truly loving ones, but those that give us True Love are meant to change us as well.

I truly fell in love for the first time when I returned to Colorado from a year in Spain. I was in a short-lived relationship and ended up at a resort area. I met this love when we worked together at a hotel. We lived together almost right away, and it was always loving and generous and mutual, for almost two years. When it ended, it took years of sadness and remorse because he was unable to break free from his first Soul Mate contract with his children’s mother—I thought we would be married, but he was not allowed to make that commitment to me. I felt as if I lost my best friend. I had to let him go and it was one of the hardest experiences I have ever encountered, especially because it came suddenly. To this day, I still hear from him occasionally. I became a better person because of him. And he was the one that healed my heart from all the pain of the divorce and the separation I felt away from my children. To him, I will always be grateful.

The second of my deepest Soul Contracts was the tragic suicide of my partner (aforementioned in other chapters), bound together like Heathcliffe to Catherine, and tragically he was unable to let me go. I truly felt there was a Soul Connection, even though he was dishonest, unfaithful the entire relationship by committing to many other women, and he had no true love for anyone left when he took his own life. It started as an infatuation on both of our parts, and once he was on a spiral of self-destruction and gave up all the other women, I finally felt true love for him for the first time. But in spite of my deep love, my role was as a Rescuer and his was as a Saboteur, the destroyer of both my life and his. However, this was the Contract that broke the Pattern of unhealthy, controlling relationships. Once I realized he was not meant for me, I could actually see who he truly was as a human being and I felt all the love of the Universe for him. That being said, I truly understand the loss of someone close to such a tragedy and can be there for others who are and have gone through the same. And I am more than relieved that any of my own self-deprecation Archetypes (Victim, Martyr, or Damsel) had all been confronted and I broke through those patterns as well.

Then a strange occurrence happened last year at this time. I had spent years asking the Universe for a Soul Mate that was kind, that would share complimentary interests, and genuine. The day after I discovered my ex had taken his life, I went away for a weekend and met the man I truly can now say with whom I am on the right path. I desire this relationship to be a deep and long-term love. We are not perfect. I have had a fantasy idea of what I wanted and realized I actually have everything I truly need right now with him. We have been travelling extensively and now that we are settled for a short time, we can spend the time together to find out if this love will be true and genuine. I truly feel in my heart that I was finally given the opportunity to find that Soul Mate relationship with whom I can connect to the Divine. Finally, after years of attracting control to my independence, I am finding a balance and a calm and loving partner with whom I can see myself and I am so grateful.

Soul Mates, Stereotypes and the Impact of Change

Soul Mates are the reflection or complement to these Archetype selves in the Mirror of another Soul. As I have alluded to above, if we are a Victim, they are either a Bully or a Manipulator or something we attract so we remain a Victim until we are ready to change. But if we are a Shaman or a Healer, we attract a Student, a Seeker, or on the opposite side, an Addict or a Martyr. The Liberator attracts the Slave. The Artist attracts the Muse. It all depends what we have set up for ourselves in our own world. Many believe we set these Soul Contracts before we are born—thus we choose our relatives, our mates, our challenges, our teachers and our children. In my studies and my meditations and channeling, I have found that these ideas resonate with me, but they may not with everyone. It is each of our life path’s responsibility to uncover the mystery of what we believe and why. And we ask our Guides to let us know the truth.

No matter what that Truth may be to you, do not limit yourself to believe that one group has the market on such a Truth. It is in the connection of humanity itself, in the love and community and not in the separation, that you will find such a Truth. So when you look at your Soul Mates, present and past, family or partner or friend, look in the mirror and see yourself in their eyes. All humanity has the same ability to get beyond the faith of their parents and find the truths for themselves. Then that Soul Mate relationship that troubled you for so many years will actually be healed.

I have been so fortunate to have made some amazing friends and have reconnected with so many people after all these years. As I have expounded upon these changes in my life, I find it so refreshing that the karma we build early on can be the saving grace of one’s rebirth. In this lifetime, I have created many of these archetypal characters of myself. I have been given many of these Archetypes just by the connections, environment and relationships I have had. Like a diamond with many brilliant facets, these faces are all different sides of the same stone. I have experienced the Archetypes of the Curious Child, the Evangelist, the Samaritan, the Femme Fatale, the Saint, the Martyr, the Eternal Mother and the Sage all in one short lifetime. I have also been given many titles that correspond with my life’s work, including Teacher, Mother, Leader, Advocate, Actor, Visionary, Mentor, and Friend. I am truly blessed to have been through such pain, so many transitions, and yet in spite of myself, I have become the woman I was meant to be all along.

Archetypes vs. Stereotypes

Now, if you look at your own life, you may be reading these chapters and either feeling grateful that your life has been so much less eventful, or you may be mortified at my attractions or what I have been through. I have one word of advice for all readers and all friends and family: Judgment of another’s character and experiences is a limitation to one’s true understanding of one’s own Journey. Let me explain a little. You see, if we choose to create a judgment or a stereotype for someone we know, and then we label that person as being only that stereotype. But we know that all humans are much more than just one archetypal persona, so how can one be just one stereotype?

Here’s the difference: A stereotype separates us from others by lumping all characteristics into one archetypal persona. Archetypes are multi-faceted, with many positive and negative traits. A stereotype is usually a negatively connotative and shallow label that is created by a lower-minded ideology. An archetype can actually cross all stereotypes. But a stereotype limits the inclusion of most archetypes to its definition. For future reference, I can include a list of all known psychological archetypes in my appendices, but for now, just know that there are hundreds of facets to choose from regarding the archetypal patterns. Archetypes, after all, are traits common but specifically found in one individual as a part of their personality makeup. However, stereotypes are common references to a group, race, gender or living environment.

Most of you probably feel I was oversimplifying something you already know. This may be true. But these ideas are a lot more convoluted than they appear. In acting, I discovered early on that a stereotype for a role is only a blanket covering of the role. Remember, most playwrights and screenplay authors alike develop story arcs and characters that confront each other in some way. We have a Hero or Heroine who is chosen by the gods to be a leader and warrior. We then have a protagonist, an arch-nemesis if you will, whose goal is to harm or challenge the Hero in some way. Almost always there is a Sage or Wise Person who comes in to lead the Hero into a higher purpose. And it is always enjoyable to watch in a journey when the Hero encounters his or her Lover. Finally, there’s always a second level to a truly classic writing when there is a Comedian or Trickster thrown in for comic relief and to teach a lesson. The Jester or Fool is still by far my favorite character to write and to play. Each of these Archetypes can be a part of your own life and journey if you find them.

No matter how you find and recognize personas, they are there in front of us to teach us to change. We can often learn to be a stronger character by emulating those characters found in literature. However, the majority of the best writers and entertainers of our time have experienced these relationships as well. I challenge you to write down everyone you know who is in your circle or used to be. I recommend you write as many Archetypes next to their name as possible and see if you see a reflection, an Archetype you also possess, in the other person.

Now go into yourself and find out where you are hiding your depression, sadness, anger or fear. Why do you have these feelings? Are they specifically related to another person, especially to one of your Soul Mates? Do you have an anger that won’t go away and you can’t pinpoint where it is coming from? Do you suffer from depression or anxiety related illnesses? What or whom are you afraid of? Write down all of these answers as well and match your lower-minded feelings with those who caused you somehow to feel this way.

Finally, you are going to take all those traits and see them in yourself. Who saw any of these traits in you? Can you pinpoint why? Who in your life would you consider a Soul Mate? Can you actually identify the Contract you have to learn with this person? Is there a challenge or conflict associated with a Soul Mate? Are there stereotypes that caused these confrontations such as religion, race or age? And do you see every person you consider a Soul Mate to be a mirror of who you are? These exercises will help you identify where you need to grow, what you need to confront, and how you truly feel about yourself and others. If you need additional help going through this exercise, feel free to contact me or attend one of our classes about this center-based discovery.

Depression, Anxiety and Fear – Emotional Battle Scars that Stunt Our Higher Purpose

Do you have any scars? What do they look like to you? Are yours deep wounds or superficial cuts that need some TLC? Where do you want to fly next to find out if you are ready to confront or challenge your next Soul Mate? Are there any Soul Contracts you have or are in the midst of fulfilling that are painful or cause you to withdraw or retreat? Do you still have conflict with a parent or a sibling? And what do you choose to do when you are confronted with these conflicts?

I have had long fits of depression and anxiety. Anyone who has to fight for their own children does, no matter which side of the battle you are on. Those that control and abuse cannot actually become happy or find happiness because they will always be unfulfilled by the longing to control the other partner. Those that are victims of control will too never find happiness because they cannot release themselves from their victimhood long enough to be whole and complete without the oppression. I have been in the latter role several times, thus the Soul Contract pattern I had to break, first with my mother, then with my partners as described above. I too have gaping scars and sometimes painful sores that are reopened with the arrows of anger and hatred.

But depression, anxiety and fear are only mechanisms that hold one back from growth. In a recent lecture I attended from the world renowned Dr. John DeMartini, I had a revelation that led back to my first discovery of his material and those of my other mentors (both alive and long since passed). I realized that I have been right all along knowing that the past bouts of depression and anxiety were fantasies: they are nothing more than my expectation to be attached to the outcome of a situation. Yes, as a wonderful mother who lived my entire life for my children, I had my highest priority on their health and well-being, but did not have the capability and means of acting out these priorities because I was controlled and subjugated by my husband, his money and his family.

At the time, during the divorce, I attempted to take my own life. And when I awoke to realize that I was not truly the horrible person they wanted everyone to believe I had become (because I started rebelling against the inappropriate behaviors), I knew it wasn’t truly all my doing and definitely it was not all my fault. Promises were made to me during the matrimony that were not honored and most of them just flatly refused—many of them were fantasies because he was incapable of keeping these promises, such as equality and allowing me to be independent and have my own career. He was not able to live this way, but it was a lie going into the marriage that I did not foresee.

Also, I was a passionate artist, writer, actor and singer. These talents were actually neglected and I was “told” I was not to continue them. In fact, at one point right before the divorce, he turned off my phone, sold my car and cut off my computer access to the outside world. These acts are considered abusive by any belief and law. However, they are also reflections of a controlling system that wanted me to be the fantasy as well, to be “content” to be stifled and stay at home to do nothing but raise children and not let anyone else know of my anger and sadness at the failure of the marriage. To admit that one is wrong then would allow one the freedom to allow change in order to grow. I will whole heartedly admit I made a poor judgment and chose to marry the wrong partner. He was the Soul Mate father of my children, but our relationship was never meant to last under these false pretenses.

Do not be misguided by my words. If you chose to give up part of yourself in order to be content in a marriage, then you have chosen to change your priorities accordingly. My fantasy was that I had no intention of giving up my career plans or my acting and artistic passions, but was expected to do so and actually told to do so by my mother-in-law at the time, who actually controlled much of our marriage. Do not feel horrible about my history—I chose to be a Victim and a Damsel in this lifetime in order to break free from this role. I wanted nothing more than independence and was faced with the true challenge of being a Slave. It is an important part of our growth to wake up and be aware of this pattern.

You Have A Choice—Let It Go

Yet I can see that millions of people today still remain in these roles and these dogmas. I know women who convert to Christianity or Islam in order to please their idea of a God and a spouse, only to find themselves trapped in these situations. In the movie “Not Without My Daughter” the main character also faces this when she is trapped and kidnapped and taken far away from her family and to a Muslim country where she was not able to leave and return to the U.S. with her child. She eventually found a way. In my case, I had to leave the family without my children and fight to have them again, only to continue to be painted as the “bad guy” so they can justify what is still happening.

I know other women who don’t survive these scenarios. I met many of them in my lifetime. However once I met one of the strongest women I have ever known, Wendy Titelman, who lost custody to her husband who was molesting her children. To this day, she hasn’t seen her children since they were babies. And this was here in the U.S. Her case has gone to the Supreme Court, but the outcome has not been a victory. Hopefully, one day her children will too find out how much their mother sacrificed to fight for them.

I have every right to be angry. So does Wendy. So do my friends throughout the World, men and women, who have to challenge a domineering and unfair system. But the only True Freedom is that given to us when we realize we are all part of the Collective Consciousness. We all accept these battles, these scars, and these tragedies. Losing a child to drugs, alcohol or suicide cannot be any less tragic than one lost to divorce or religious oppression. Losing a parent or a spouse or a sibling to a needless accident, disease or war is horrible. Yet we all feel the pain together. How can we alter these relationships? We can’t. We can only alter the one part of us that is the factor within the relationship: Ourselves. How do we get over the depression, sadness and fear once and for all? We accept them and then no longer allow them to control our lives.

Let go of the fantasy. Let go of what should be. We know if this was a “fair” world, these tragedies and losses would not be happening to wonderful and spiritual people. But because of these atrocities, we have wonderful and spiritual people waking up and being born every day. Do your daily part instead. Stand up for someone you see hurting. Allow yourself to grieve and recover from these scars. Love your children and your spouses for who they are, and if you cannot, let them go. And if you have it in your heart to change anything in the World, change the one thing that will open you to the next level of Consciousness: Be grateful for what you have and where you have been, for all of it, because you are the beautiful Soul that was given these gifts and challenges to make you the very unique person whom you are. I am grateful for all of you, my friends and family, who have taken the time to read this and reflect upon your own lives. Do not live in fear, for you have everything right in front of you.

Chapter 4: Relationships---People Pressure and the Gift of Discernment

Once you begin to familiarize yourself with the worlds of love that benefit your environment—your agape (your being, doing, wants, needs and desires), you will begin to see that there are objects, experiences and paths you don’t need! This is a great revelation for those who are bombarded with peer pressure or feel compelled to act or look like what we are “told” is successful or beautiful or popular. People will begin to see that your inner being is reflecting more and you will notice others around you that want to know what you have been doing that makes you so, well, different.

The truth is once you start looking at everything you are given as a gift—your family, your friends, your city, your body, your situation—you will desire to be centered more and more. You will be blessed with more and more abundance of gifts because the Universe responds to your gratefulness as a reflection of the receiving of gifts. Going back to the example of the visualization: Do you really desire that which you visualized? Do you need that cell phone (whatever object you chose)? Is it important to you for the right reason (your beliefs)? And can you look upon it objectively as just that—an experience for this lifetime?

Let me explain a little more before I am ready to explore another “world.” You may ask, “Why would I receive more blessings by being more grateful?” Well, the Universe sees everything as a gift! The “good” and the “bad” are gifts we receive regardless of their initial origin. Okay, bear with me. IF we have thoughts that go out to the Universe/Collective Consciousness that are constantly “negative” in nature by definition, we will receive what we send out. It’s like a radio system that allows us to gauge the outcome of our thoughts, whether or not we are aware of it, that allows us to receive what we believe we deserve!! Is this starting to make sense?

If we believe we deserve what the world around us gives us, we cannot change the outcome of our thoughts which then give us what we have sent out. Therefore if we constantly think upon the negative of the Universe—disasters, accidents, and our fears of death—we create those realms around us. NOW I am not saying we subconsciously want cancer or a terminal illness, but these too are given to us as part of our life experience! It’s a weird concept, I know, but it’s true.

Now, being grateful for everything, including disasters and illnesses, then allows the Universe to give us the experiences and needs we desire by returning higher vibrations. We find disasters heart-wrenching and we are saddened by the loss of human lives, especially if they are around us or we are directly impacted by them. But after the sadness dissipates, what can we find grateful about those experiences? Maybe that we are alive!! Or that they are not suffering from illness or poverty or anything that physically challenged them. Or that the loss creates awareness of our own humanity (this will definitely be explored later).

We desire what we need. And we think about these needs. Our needs may be elemental like housing and food and shelter, but they can be more in depth such as recovering from a loss and safe travel and passage. They can also be the higher thoughts that can help a child that is raised impoverished to achieve their goals—they are focused more on the outcome and whatever it takes by the gifts of the challenges of their environment.

So again, I challenge you to look within. What do you think? What is going through your head? Do you sit and watch the news and find yourself miserable in your daily life? Or do you find outlets to learn that create a more pleasant environment? Remember I talked about agape love? What is your environment like?

People Are Strange—Creating our Own Worlds in the Company of Others

In this chapter, I want to explore philia love – the relationships we have with other souls who connect us together with our world. You love those who are around you for different reasons. You love your parents (possibly), or siblings, or friends, or spouse, or coworkers, or the guy who serves you coffee in the mornings, as a way of reflecting your own love for humanity. It’s the construct of the human “family” that gives you that kind of love. We are all created to look, sound, and breathe alike. I mean, yes, we may not understand each other exactly (some people speak other languages, others have a different physical appearance), but we all are born, live and die. Right?

Interestingly, our thoughts internally are also fed and nurtured by our relationships with others around us. For instance, we may spend an hour everyday meditating, focusing on our dreams, imagining a beautiful world around us. But as soon as the meditation and quiet time is over, we enter the real world and spend the other 16 hours or so in the day with other people awake. Then if we are lucky, we can focus our minds in our dreams on those pleasant experiences we want to manifest unconsciously. But that is not always something we can remember.

So how do we see and react to those around us? Who is closest to you in your inner circle? Do you have intimate relationships with others, such as parents, children, or partners, who are a positive reflection of you, who tell you the good and the bad, and who can nurture your dreams and growth? This is all too often not a reality. It is usually those closest to us that are the most challenging to our growth.

Let’s dispel a major obstacle to this kind of relationship love: prejudice. We are taught to create a barrier between us and “them”. Do you have a “them” from whom you learned to be separate? Again, this goes back to your thoughts. Dig deep. Or maybe just look at the surface of those around you. What color is your skin? What color do you “see” yourself? This is not rocket science. Your eyes tell you that your skin is the shade you see it. Right? Now, what do you see around you with your closest relationships? What do you feel about the color of the skin of those around you?? Do you have any prejudices? Do you think to yourself, “those people are not related to me because they have a different skin color.” If so, we need to work on this before we move on.

More Than Skin Deep – Going Further Within

Now, seeing that those around us are the most challenging most often, did anyone in your family or your life teach you that we are different because of skin color? Okay, if that’s the case, then that’s where you start to peel away the layers of thought. Radical idea number one: Nobody is different because of skin color. That is a learned social construct, and it is not real. It is only as real as we make it out to be. We may not “relate” to someone because our parents, friends and family tell us that those of another “color” act or think differently from us. But do they really? I mean, don’t they too worry about what others think of them? Don’t they too have parents and siblings and friends? Don’t they too face challenges because of their personal experiences. Of course they do. So what separates us by color is only based on a system of irrational fear and false teachings.

The first time I experienced a truly racist experience was in high school. We used to travel a lot with our acting competitions, called Speech Teams, throughout the Chicago area. I remember the reactions of my teammates going into predominantly racially differing neighborhoods and the false elicitations of fear. Once we traveled to a high school that had locks on the doors and metal detectors at the entrances. This was because there were gang problems within their city’s social systems. We never truly understood the challenge by analyzing our own reactions. All we knew was that they lived in a “different” world because they had to deal with local violence and prevention, whereas we did not have those challenges in our school.

Yet, the immediate association was that it was because they were African-Americans living in an inner city school system. Wow. How do we go from metal detectors and violence to skin color? We are taught this. So that is how we reacted—associating the two together. I can’t recall an exact comment from anyone on the team, I just remember the sentiments of uneasiness caused by the entranceway of the school.

Does this mean all African-American schools have that kind of violence because they are a violent group of people? Heck no! But we have to deal with the media’s idea of African-based countries and the violence and terrorism that is caused by the social constructs of some, not all, of these environmental systems. We see what has happened to dictatorships in Africa, the destruction to Haiti (most recently with the series of earthquakes that has changed their nation completely), the gang violence in major cities in our country, and the poverty that is associated within these communities.

But this has nothing to do with skin color. It has to do with hundreds of years of being told that skin color mattered that created systems of imbalance, like apartheid in South Africa and European-based dominance and slavery. These conditions exist. Yes. But does that mean that all babies born with brown or black-hued skin are violent? No way!! So why do we as a nation “label” and treat people differently?

How about you? Using more than just that example, how do you see people around you with different colored skin? Do you look upon them as equals? Or do you see that maybe your life lessons are not much different than theirs? Do you think that on this gigantic planet we call Earth that there may be people that have a different language or country or skin color that are more loving, more caring and more attentive to their compassionate, giving self than you? Of course there are. And does it not occur to you that maybe they have it better off because of whatever their situation because then they are given tools that we may not have in their society to learn to love fully?

One Big Happy Family – Learning to Love the World We Live In

Let’s step outside ourselves and our family for a moment. Evaluate your immediate surroundings. Take our your notebook. Write down your closest relationships. Include everyone you experience or have experienced in your lifetime thus far that has been close to you (remember, include those who are no longer with us):

• Parents. The obvious first relationship you had was with your parents. It may have or have not been one or both biological beings that created you. It may include a step-parent, a grandparent, or a guardian who raised you. Write them all down.
• Siblings. Write down everyone that you include as a sibling, biological, by marriage, or somehow connected to you through a parental figure.
• Immediate Family. Include grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and all relatives as far out as you can go. List everyone you know influences you from your family tree.
• First Friends. Who are the closest friends you had in your life? Think of who you talk to on your social networks. But also remember those who you grew up with in your neighborhood environment.
• Teachers, Mentors and Leaders. Do you remember all your grade school teachers? Can you remember who taught you music, art, or coached your little league team? Do you have a memory of your family’s religious leaders (pastors, priests, rabbis, and so on). Or your parents’ friends and the neighbor kids’ parents?
• Associates, Coworkers, and Classmates. Who were closest to you in your early years growing up? Who did you hang out with, and who did you have to see on a regular basis? What clubs, sports, activities were you in? And how well did you get to know them? Do you remember that one person from summer camp or from the playground? Do you have a memory of that family that lived down the street, or the classmates who were with you throughout your life in school?
• Societal Members. And finally, take a look at those in your community, now and before, who had some kind of impact on you for some reason.

Once you have written down all those you can remember (if you are like me, there will be dozens of names to recollect), you can start by taking a few at a time, or working through until you have them all down. Now, write next to each name all the physical characteristics you know about them--height, weight, ethnicity, appearance. Write down your first thought about that person. You don’t have to go into much detail, but now finally write an emotion you have about them.

This is going to be your relationship guide. This is how you associate yourself with other people. Once you finish a simple list, go back and read every word you wrote. Here’s what I want you to do:

1. Physical appearance is a non-judgmental characteristic. It is a given—they were born into this particular appearance. Therefore this is not going to influence how you look at them unless you see a difference in them that causes you to think of them as “different”. For instance, if they were in a wheelchair, you would look at them as “handicapped” physically in some way, but do you see them as more or less fortunate than you?

2. Take a look at your emotional response to each individual you listed. Why did you write that particular word? Or why did you use that particular description? This is thus what YOU see in them and in the world. NOT who they may be.

3. Now the fun part begins: Take each name, and each one’s characteristics and emotions, and find ONE thing per person you see in them when you knew them that is the same as something about YOU. This is the mirror from which I want to see all your relationships as we progress throughout these chapters. How do you see them in relationship to yourself?

Here are some good examples:

Mother – physical appearance is obviously like me since it is related to me biologically. Socially, she is very outgoing and talkative like me. Emotionally, I find she is different because she likes to talk about other people often to others, which is a source of major contention between us. Do I find I do that? Sometimes. But do I mean it to be mean? Not really. Thus, should I be careful about what I say to other people about those closest to me. This is a resounding yes.

Son – looks just like my family, like me and my brothers especially. Shy and reflective. Dry sense of humor. Loving. But also sometimes gets angry at injustices and loses his temper. Do I do that too? Of course I do. Do I let it get at me? Yes. And do I sometimes say things out loud that may be hurtful when I feel wronged? Well…where do you think he got that from?

Best friend in high school – Very talented, beautiful voice, loving, great mom, adoring wife, amazing as a spiritual leader. When we spent time together in the younger years, she was very insecure with her relationships with men before she was married. It was a direct reflection of what I too experienced. Our methodologies were different, but we were the same type of woman—physically attractive women with insecurities within ourselves that limited us intimately. She was able to overcome this within her marriage. I was not. But I remembered what I learned from her—how to stand up for myself and not be a “door mat” in relationships with men. But it worked within my social construct for a time, but I eventually outgrew the paradigm of a submissive wife. It didn’t work for me.

Cousin – Compassionate to me as an adult when my children and I were homeless and needed a place to stay. But angry and reactive to her own children, and unable to relate to mine. Jealousy and a negative reaction to me caused us not to talk any longer. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I have negative feelings of that summer? Not really, but I do feel bad that she felt let down by what she thought I was and was not doing—it took me a long time to find a good job and I felt I was not able to pay her and her husband back for their generosity. My kids were affected by her reaction to her own children, which came across as angry and negative. But in the end, we both felt wronged in some way. Do I want to hear from her again? Most definitely. And I always think the best about her and her family.

Most difficult boss – I worked for a man once who had all the money you could ask for but was never happy. This sounds like an allegory but I guarantee he does exist. He had a beautiful and famous wife, two intelligent and creative children, and a multi-million dollar home within which I worked. Was I a great employee? Not always. But did I learn from him anything? Yes. I learned I would never marry an unhappy person again, I would never yell at my children and treat them disrespectfully. But mostly I learned that a shrewd business man can run a really tight ship and still never have what he truly wants: joy in his life. Why strive for monetary success if you have to belittle others to get it? Does it make me question my decision to work for him? No, it was one of my lessons. Was I happy that time in my life? Not really, so I attracted the same type of unhappiness—appeared on the outside as altogether, but inside he must have felt as empty as I did.

I could go on and come up with hundreds of examples. I have lived a fully experienced life when it comes to relationships. I have met the poorest people on Earth who are surrounded by love and contentment because of their family. And I have met the wealthiest and most miserable people that I could ever know. I met movie stars who were really humble and had nice families. I met drug dealers who really only cared about their children and thus created that lifestyle out of necessity. I have met religious leaders who beat their children. And I have met talented artists who hate being exploited in the press. And yet I still encounter the hurt and the downtrodden. What am I learning from them?