I am moving into a new chapter in my life. I am torn, anguished, finding no solace. At times the pain is excruciating, but at least I know what I am going through. I have removed myself from a three year relationship and it is as if a part of me has died.
Once we get past the denial, the shock and the anger, the pain settles in. It is so difficult to swallow that I could have put so much time and effort into a part of my life that seemed to have failed! But I know I learned so much! Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I imagine "what if" then I remember I wasn't the one that was unable to give completely. In fact, as I write, I imagine myself whole and centered--knowing that I DID give everything I could, and those parts of me I held back were only because the commitment wasn't 100%. I asked for a sign to show me loyalty and it never came...thus I chose to move on.
When is enough enough? When do we call it quits? When do we give all of ourselves or retreat into the safety of our own being? When can we be connected fully with another human being in a monogamous and healthy relationship? All these questions, flying through my mind on a daily basis, show me I have been begging the Universe to make the pain go away, to show me a different path. We can't take back what has been done, but we can direct our lives so that in the future the next challenge we receive we are more prepared to accept it. I have learned to love fully. I have learned to be in a relationship again, even if it did not turn out how I wanted it to be. I have learned to be honest with myself about my own issues and faults and the EGO that keeps me from being centered in Light and Love. I have discovered my own paths and accepted who I am. So in this case, I am so grateful for the pain!
If I had never truly been in love, I never would have known what it feels like to be truly lost and have true sorrow.
I will miss him always...
And forever be grateful for the chance to have been in love!
xoxo Kate
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