The Smouldering Fire of Regret

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

There is a blessing and a curse associated with wisdom for both men and women. The body ages so we either remember or forget our experiences, recalling only what we need to remember. The mind becomes saturated with critical as well as trivial information. And the experiences we have had are woven into our tapestry with great precision like the fine brush strokes from an artist’s brush onto canvas, together creating a great masterpiece. But does that masterpiece resemble one of Monet’s japanese bridges or morph into Munch’s The Scream? Where do we fall along the spectrum of experiences? Where and when do we choose to create a life that is our own and not harbor those pains that were inflicted from others long ago that often keep us focused on the past? How do we process the smouldering fire of regret, that mind game we play that creates a wish to go back and change one of these events?

Trauma Revisited

Life events are neither “good” nor “bad”. They are happenings. What we do with those happenings is most important. An event that creates a powerfully emotive and lasting memory that elicits a negative or fear-based response is called a trauma. Traumas are directly related to sensitivity. There is actually a blessing that comes out of trauma: psychic awareness. Therefore trauma is an event that can either have a “good” or “bad” outcome, even if at the time it elicited a fear-based response. Have you ever had a connection to your “Spidey Senses” and realized something was wrong in your world before actually knowing it? This is one of those gifts. But often this gift manifests when a harmful person (one who chooses to do harm to us) is getting ready to behave in a harmful manner. After a period of time, we recognize that harm is coming because it has been the response of that person, or one like them, in the past. Then we have a “premonition” that it is coming again. This elicits the response and thus reactivates the trauma.

When we have many of these traumatic experiences, the brain reconnects the trauma pathway from the combined reaction of these experiences and we can actually “see” the events becoming a trauma before they happen. This is likened to a novel that you read and predict the ending before you get there based on your own years of experience and your knowledge of events. Well, eventually the brain becomes “open” to these predictions. The ultra-sensitive among us, however, actually become even more precognitive. The outcomes of repeat trauma, fear-based dream states and possibly mental damage due to brain development early on in childhood, all lead to precognition.

In the event of ESP occurring (extra-sensory perception), the mind becomes aware and awake to one’s self outside the body--the disassociation can actually allow us to look at the “greater picture”. There is a fine line, however, that can be crossed into what we call today insanity. The disassociation possible within a “normal” (or typical) human is a mechanism to create a logic-based thought process so that the emotions that are trapped in the body can be released in a healthy way. Often the fear we feel when confronting an event needs to go somewhere. So we release it by separating ourselves from it. The other outcome is that it is processed through a system of rationalization, which can trap these fears somewhere else. Often however, anger (outer fear) and depression (inner fear) leave scars within the body and can be converted into disease or autoimmune disorders. Therefore, we are here to learn to control our minds and our emotions so we can find a balance, release anything not serving us, and learn from our fears to turn away from pain or stop them altogether from entering.

Those that tend to internalize anger and depression become Highly Sensitive. Those that stop the feelings become Highly Desensitized. The interesting part is that both tend to eventually show signs of precognition! I know that sounds strange, especially when we would imagine that the “tough” ones would just be totally closed off. But in reality , they are guarding themselves innately from a traumatic experience through shutting down. Even if they don’t remember anything, or they blocked the experience from affecting them, they too haven’t truly processed the experience. It’s likened to a black hole--the anger and depression will eventually come out in other ways, sometimes by becoming a harmful person, many times by having a compartmentalization happen that can lead to a behavioral disorder, or they find an outlet by imposing their trauma onto something else--like learning to become a guardian, like a police officer, firefighter, emergency room doctor or soldier.

I am obviously a Highly Sensitive. I am highly clairvoyant. It can be annoying, let me tell you. My husband is a soldier. I can see in him a lot of the same clairvoyant reactions that I experience, but they manifest in different ways. Many of us in our generation (we are over 35) were raised with parents who dealt with trauma or anger by yelling, talking “down to”, or somehow convincing us NOT to show our feelings. We were told to “hide” our sensitivities. For men, we have a whole generation that was “told” by social norm that men don’t cry or show feelings because it is a sign of weakness. Women, on the other hand, from my generation were allowed to show feelings freely as long as it wasn’t toward confronting or questioning the authority of men. How strange that our society has built these crazy norms! I mean, who doesn’t grieve when someone dies? Nobody. We all grieve. But how it comes out is so very different, depending upon how we were raised. And who doesn’t want to feel like an equal? I don’t care what body parts we were born in, what color our skin may be, we all put our clothing on the same and we all bleed when we are wounded, inside or out.

Trauma is often inflicted on us from another. These incidences and the aftermath of emotion that follows can actually compound. In Chemistry, there is a point when a solute is added to a solvent where it can no longer dissolve. That point is saturation. Well, traumatic experiences that compound and open the same wounds (brain pathways) over and over again also become saturated and eventually will create a “trigger” response. When a person is then confronted with a trauma, even if the person causing the harm has no clue they are creating a harmful situation to the recipient, the trigger will create an emotive reaction that can be out of control or even response with harm.

If Only I Could Go Back...

Regret is one of these triggers. Since I have been going through menopause, I have been triggered every time I have a hormonal swing. Unfortunately, due to the imbalance of hormones during hot flashes, the swing usually triggers a cognitive memory that ends up in an emotional response. And they are not loving, feel-good responses. In my studying what has been happening to my body, I have discovered it is because the chemical reaction needed to make serotonin is blocked by the body bursting into flames. I feel like a phoenix who is about to explode every time I have one of these hot flashes! And it is followed by sobbing tears.

The price for maturation is trial by fire apparently. I found a way to stop the emotions from being released at inappropriate times AND stop the hot flashes using vitamin B-6 in conjunction with a hormone balancing/endocrine system resetting herb (wild yam) and a phosphotidylserine-phosphotidylcholine complex. I know--a lot of fancy words. If you relate, write them down; if not, don't worry about it. This formula actually prevents the hot flashes, allows the positive brain flow to continue, and keeps my body from “crashing”. Here’s why this has been so important: every traumatic experience I have ever had and had hoped to forget has come pouring out of my memory banks. Seriously--I have not had a past experience safe from resurfacing, all the way back to childhood. Every person who has ever harmed me in any way has been recalled into my brain in some way since this began over the summer. And even if I don’t see the relationship between the person and the memory, the pain from my past has been pouring out of the open Pandora’s box. It has been more than just traumatic. I have been confined to bed, had to leave a crowded room, and I have found myself unable to stop crying and purging memories at the worst moments, until finally my eyes have become swollen and my body is not able to recuperate without massive amounts of sleep.

Association V. Disassociation

The best part about these kinds of experiences is that I was finding there is a direct association with the hot flashes and my triggers, or memories of the past that brought out all my regrets. Once I got the hot flashes under control, I could disassociate, or remove my emotions and then analyze the triggers that were causing the fire. I had always been able to separate my emotions from my reactions under a healthy state. With the introduction of chemicals, hormones included, I was often not able to open up and experience those emotions and grieve through losses unless I had this disassociation removed from my thought process.

The triggers of these bursts of fire center around regrets. It’s strange that of all things to resurface, this is the most powerful emotion. I have been in physical fights. I have been bodily injured. I have been dominantly controlled. And I have felt everything from guilt to shame to anger to hatred in this lifetime. But the only emotion that keeps triggering from these attacks is regret. Why? I believe because I have never allowed myself to get over that one type of emotion. It is self-inflicted. It is not acting upon something that would have changed the course of my life in some way. We are told not to regret the past, but I do. I know not to dwell on them, but they exist nonetheless. I don’t know how others have felt during their time of fire, but this to me is the most powerful.

In the movie Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban, Professor Lupin (teacher of Defense Against The Dark Arts) has his students do a “spell” to get rid of a creature called a Boggart. It can turn into the student’s worst fear and can only be dissipated and controlled through imagining it is a different creature. This was then followed by laughter to humiliate the Boggart into submission. I feel like this every time I have a hot flash followed by an outburst. My body starts heating up and bursting into a smouldering fire that begins at my heart chakra and solar plexus. It then moves outward and upward, extending out of my head and hands, and eventually runs through my whole body. The brain’s response is then to attach to a fight-or-flight memory, often linked to a regret. Under normal circumstances (non-fire), I can usually work through a memory through meditation, talking about it, or writing. Sometimes I do praying or channeling to ask Higher Power energy to release the feelings and memories. This has been my way of dealing with all my past traumas. But in the middle of the flames, I am unable to get control of the emotive responses. And the ones that stick are the regrets. And they are the Boggarts of my mind--powerful enough to elicit fear deep within, but they can be changed once I address them.

I therefore have made a great list of regrets!! They are all subjective and my own personal, truly experiential life lessons that if I had a magic wand or time machine, I would go back and change. So before some of my readers become all offended that I am “airing” my dirty laundry, understand these experiences were real. And I had to endure them. And they are meant to share with others who have been through pain. And I don’t have any secrets. Oh, and I am not a victim any longer to any of my past perpetrators, so it was a part of my life, but not all of it. And now I can look at this list and, once processed, I can now disassociate from these pains. I am telling you this because I want to show you can do the same. Once you read the list you will know why this kind of exercise is really important for those of us who have been through traumatic experiences.

Processing Through the Regrets - Making Amends and Letting Go

I have been able to confront some of these regrets head on. For instance, I was finally able to tell my two daughters that I regret allowing them to feel unprotected or in any way out of control because I was so passive and allowing as a parent. I personally saw all three of my children as little adults because they were and are so brilliant. I never saw the need to discipline in a negative or harmful way. But with that the younger two children specifically missed out on time with me. And at some point all three were allowed to get away with actions that would usually be punished by a stricter, more structured parent who wasn’t living moment to moment trying to survive as a single parent who was denied, and often robbed of, child support. This time of my life, the ten years fighting back and forth for custody and denied repeatedly my parenting time, was the hardest and most regrettable period of time. I have countless regrets I could have avoided if I had been more cautious and more self-loving. It would also have made me a better parent.

These regrets go way back. So, if anyone is reading this and plans to “tattle” to any person directly involved in one of these regrets, feel free. I hide nothing any longer. And my experience, as a “victim” or as a “perpetrator” in any case, was still my experience. Here is my most recent, fire-fueled list:

List of the Most Impactful Regrets Ever

I regret quitting ballet as a child. I know my parents could not afford it, but my disdain for lessons of that sort started at 6. I was not ever encouraged to stick to an activity my mother didn’t want to take me to attend, so it also causes a regret of quitting a series of other activities I wish I had continued to do. This one is just the most prominent because it is linked to my first memories. And I love to dance! Maybe I would have been more athletic or agile or could have had more opportunities on stage. Who knows. I did take up ballet in college again, but not seriously. I miss the music and the beauty of it. But I miss just dancing most of all.

I regret allowing myself to lose my ability as a leader by not standing up for myself in Junior High. Of course, this was also hormonally driven. It didn’t stop me from becoming one after a long period of time. But it was in trying to please others that I lost my drive to take any lead. This caused a series of events for many years that allowed others to take advantage of my kindness. For instance, I had a “crush” in 7th grade. One evening after school, I got a call from the crush’s ex-girlfriend who still liked him. She pleaded with me not to pursue him because she knew he liked me and it was only a matter of time until she knew we would end up together. I did as she asked to please others and they got back together. I never dated anyone in Junior High or High School after that that I truly liked in the same way, and thus I became rather standoffish. And even through high school, I never dated anyone at my own school because of this (except one, but we are still friends after all this time).

I regret allowing my faith and kindness and “turn the other cheek” upbringing to allow people in my life to continue to harm me. I didn’t understand boundaries because I was never shown any healthy ones. I know now the reason this is a prominent lesson in the Christian Bible is because the Romans wanted to create a passive force of people to control. It worked and still works today. I am often confronting my Christian upbringing and the ideals that led me to allow passive-aggressive people to walk all over me (thus more regrets).

I regret letting go of the first man in my life whom I really wanted to fight for and didn’t. We are still friends. We are both happily married to others. All turned out great. But I ended up marrying the wrong person for me because I never got over that person completely (at that time of course).

This leads to the next one. I regret never taking the time to be single and alone before I got married. I missed out on so many experiences, not only because I married the wrong person, but because I married too young. Many of my friends who married their high school and college sweethearts have had dozens of years of marital bliss. I regret that I made the wrong choice, based on my limited understanding, that led me to a 14 year custody battle after 8 years of marriage (the last 5 being miserable). However, even though it led to a lot of pain for my children and I, they know who I am and how these traumas affected and shaped my existence in order to become a strong leader and guide for so many other women with children. In fact, I became a domestic violence advocate because of my experiences.

I regret not going to college when my grandmother offered to pay my tuition at Loyola. It changed the course of my life, thus how I ended up meeting and marrying the man who is my children’s father. It also disadvantaged me at the divorce not having my own career and being dirt poor. He took full advantage of my lack of education to keep me at home, then to railroad me after divorce. It was one of my greater regrets.

I regret marrying too soon. We only met 2 and a half months before we were engaged. See above reasons for regret.

I regret not standing up for myself with my then-husband and his family because of an erroneous sense of submission due to a faith that was faulty. This led to the horrific divorce, the years without my children, the ruined self-esteem that led to an almost successful suicide attempt, which gave them fuel to take my children away and treat me so disdainfully. That and they are stuck in their beliefs. I am completely grateful though it gave me strength to leave, to get my life back together, to confront and win back custody, to fight for my children so they see me as a strong and courageous person. It doesn’t stop the traumatic memories, but it did create a fighter out of me.

I regret staying so long with relationships that, even though there was a sense of dominance and control caused by an imbalance, I was mentally incapable of leaving them until I was able to fight my way out. The first, after almost 5 years, robbed me of some of the best prime years of my life to do what I needed to do to become a great parent, leader, and educator. He even squatted in my apartment so the University would not allow me to return because the bill was so high from the damage he caused. I attempted to sue him, but he hid long enough to get away from paying what he truly owes. And I have been working to go back to school ever since. This too ends up wonderfully, since now I am returning to become a Naturopathic Doctor.

The second greatest regret was the one who was horribly sick with a mental illness (I believe it was Borderline Personality Disorder) that allowed him to have full-running relationships not just with me, but with several other women who were equally as duped. Boy, he must have spent an awfully long time on the phone everyday to juggle so many of us. But the interesting part is that once I left, he spent 3 years trying to get me back, which ended up eventually resulting in him taking his own life. Yet he had 3 other women to go to. It was strange, but I truly have the least regrets around my life with this person, especially involving his constant need to push his drug and alcohol addiction on me. I believe that is because I know I am not at fault. I don’t regret being fooled as much as I do regret not just walking away sooner. I would attempt to break it off and he would stalk me until I would come back. It happened weekly after a while. And he ruined many potential relationships with others. But if I hadn’t had that last year with him trying to get me back, I might have ended up with another one just like the others….I had many other controlling relationship offers I was then able to avoid and break away from altogether. And in spite of his attempt to reunite, I finally had a year to myself to do what I wanted to do without a relationship.

I regret not attempting to become a professional actor when I was younger. I was so convinced I was going to medical school, I gave up acting. Since then, I have returned to my love of both theater and film. And I have had great experiences. But my life would have been so different--I am truly good at it. Now if I can get the hot flashes to stop, I can create a better control that will allow me to return to acting at my leisure.

I regret allowing my kids’ father to make fun of my singing and quitting altogether. It was funny because both my daughters have pursued and are continuing to sing. All three of my children have more talent in their pinkies than any of the currently popular artists of today. And yet they have a choice if they want to use it. I made a horrible mistake, because it was such a great form of expression that I now cannot use when I want to. Again, it is a regret for not standing up for myself. I still love to sing in the shower. But more than that, I love listening to my children.

I regret not kidnapping my sister and her two boys when I went to visit them in the Spring of 2002. I knew her husband was abusive and I should have just stuck her and the boys in the car. She since remarried another abuser, had 2 more boys, and now lost custody of them to my mother...let’s not get started about the Dragon Fire in me about that subject. That is the fire of consuming rage for the sneaky way she manipulated the system and took my nephews. If there is anyone I ever regret leaving my children in the care of...enough said.

I regret sending my daughter Jacqui back to her father’s when the court denied me child support. She was living with me! And the ex’s attorney somehow used a corrupt system to cut all child support from my daughters. Wow. They are currently under investigation for corruption. This is great news. But being homeless, I felt I had no choice. I did have a choice. But I regret ever sending her to live in the same system I left . I know she has turned out to be a wonderful and fine woman in spite of the religious abuse. But all the same, it is truly my greatest regret.

Finally, I regretted giving up my relationship with this amazing man in my life, Mark, whom I was so blessed enough that he returned to me. We have such a different outlook. In spite of our differences, I am so grateful he is in my life and that we have been put back together, this time permanently. Yet I do feel bad I happened to begin this life stage of constant raging fire right after we have been married (poor guy!). It’s the way of life. And when we get through this, we will both be the strongest leaders and teachers and healers we were meant to be.

In general, I regret not traveling more. I regret not going to Egypt to see the pyramids before it became a dangerous place for Americans to visit. I regret not taking that job with the Arabian horse farm. I regret ever trying certain drugs, even experimentally. I regret not staying independent for as long as I could have been because of the fear of stability. I regret not learning about money management until I was so much older. I regret not buying stocks in companies I saw emerging. I regret not taking more chances. I regret not spending more time learning from my grandmothers. I regret giving away my dogs even if I was told I couldn’t have them (my ex husband’s control--I should have just said no). I regret not completing the many books and screenplays that are still unfinished. But in all, I regret most of all giving up myself in order to succumb to the ideal of another. I am me. I will always be me. I have to live with me. I am grateful for me. And I will never again give in to appease another to the detriment of my own life, health and happiness.

Now that the fire has been purged from my traumas and memories associated with those traumas, I feel so much better. I am going to sit down and finish those books. I am going to invest more time in myself, my husband, my kids, and my schooling. I am learning to do new and different activities, but I still plan to ride more horses, dance again, and maybe I will start singing once more. I want to become the wisest, most peaceful woman I have ever met, not because I am denying my past, my anger or my trauma. But because I acknowledge these things and choose to let them go.

This fire too shall pass.

The Warming Fire of Protection: Dragons as Parents

As I watch my dragon child leave the cliffs for the first time, I am aware that she is constantly watching me watching her. Her fragile wings and graceful twists and turns are all part of her youth, both to be admired and protected as her guardian. I am constantly aware of my own fragile scales, but they are hardened with years of battle scars and raging fires. I know of the pain of losing my other children to dragon hunters who find us dragon parents to be too scary, too easily turned into a horrible creature rather than seen as compassionate and loving. And as I watch my little dragon do flips and breathe the fire of childhood and happiness, I am convinced once more of my role as teacher, travel guide and mother.

A few days ago, we watched a scene where a pair of sibling lions were separated from their parents and one of the siblings died. It was not only horrific for the brother lion in the story, but for me, it was even more horrific to watch my little dragon break down into sobbing tears over the loss of another creature. Her other-mommy dragon comforted her while I was playing guardian and even in the hours that followed, no comfort could console our little fire-breather. She understands the importance of the life/death/life cycle. She knows in her gigantic heart that we are all connected to the earth and all creatures and all elements are part of this cycle. But it is still that moment of pain that cracks through my thickened scales to watch our child cry that awakens my nurturing protection. I am humbled by the responsibility.

As the sun strikes high in the afternoon sky and we adventure through the cold winter skies of a latent Spring, I can feel my claws and wing tips become numb in the cold snowing winds of the mountains. But as we head back to our cave to gather warmth and prepare for sleep, my thoughts are not on my own discomfort but are on protecting, feeding and warming my child with the Fire of Protection. I may be a warrior and have a warrior family clan, but I am still first and foremost a Dragon Mother.

The Dragon Mother As Protector

Dragon parents are fierce. We have been wounded in battles over our lives, with our family, our children, or our social environments. Unlike socially complacent parents, we fight against the system that destroys loyalty and honor and that separates us from our Unconditional Source. We are bent on training our children to be independent, educated, higher-minded and to fight for what is right in society. And we are protective against those mobs of social bullying that push our little creatures into states of fight or flight because of society's shallow judgments and fear-based restrictions. We must create connections between all our warrior clans, protect the wounded Dragons that are beaten down by loss and kicked out of their social circles by judgments, and help each other thrive and heal the wounds of depression and hopelessness.

I have been a blessed mother. I have four children and dozens of adopted children. I have felt true Unconditional Love and the strength of protection as a mother and a teacher-guide for all of them at one point or another. I am closest to my oldest biological child, my truly fiery dragon, because she and I are first and foremost so much alike but also because we lived together the longest. I was able to be a strong influence on her independence and raise her to be a warrior as well. I know it was circumstantial: she would never had been able to be such a fighter if we didn't have to fight so hard to be together, to be independent and to stand up for what was right in spite of the family dynamics. The constant battlegrounds in court, with her father, with her extended family, and even between the two of us when life had become tragic and beyond difficult, were stages set for her training as she built her strong personal convictions into the fabric of her every day life. The best part is, she is as lethal as they come as a maturing dragon: beautiful, genius AND higher minded! I feel sorry for any man who tries to take advantage of her in any way...

I am also blessed, by the way, because as three Dragon parents, we have created a loving and nurturing environment for our youngest daughter (the one who cliff dives), balanced by love and untainted by jealousy or one-up-manship. This I am discovering is rare. And my two children who are living in a blended family don't have these examples of co-parenting because they are raised in an "Us V. Them" way. My entire biological family has actually been restricted from being a part of my two middle children's upbringing. They will thus have to decide as adults whether to heal those wounds within themselves. This has been their path to endure and my passion for their cause is smoldering and endless.

My son who is now at adulthood is becoming quite the fire-breather. He is learning to stretch his wings of compassion and testing the winds of young love. He is a strong, athletic creature with quite the brilliant mind. He is tall and handsome and outgoing. He knows he is learning to become an honorable man, but my goal is now to challenge him. He needs to be shown the intense passion for loyalty and given the Unconditional Love of true spiritual connection. He has had lessons of separation, disappointment and struggles among his blended family. But I am excited to introduce him to our littlest dragon and show him the dynamic that allows our warrior natures to be completed with selfless sacrifice. It is not enough to be a loving parent if one cannot be able to show your child they are the most important blessing on the planet. And in order to convey that lesson, a Dragon parent must understand that it is not ONE child above another but rather that ALL our children are greater than any gold or treasure on this earth. I am excited to show him this lesson!

My younger daughter who is a beautiful, charming and loving woman, even as a teenager, is the dragon child that needs my strongest attention to learn how to use her wings. She is content currently within her own structure, her sheltered environment and her minimal independence. But there will come a time when she is going to want to soar in her life. This requires a dragon parent strong enough to allow her the time to strengthen these wings and not be bombarded with fear and limitations. Leaving the nest as a young adult who has been constantly controlled in their allowance to grow can lead to 2 things: a limited sense of self that doesn't give the child enough tools to live independently or a sudden sense of freedom that brings about fear of the unknown or reckless abandon, both of which attract stronger and faster predators. Young adults who are "sheltered" are wounded from the start as adults if they cannot battle against greater enemies. It may seem to many reading that this is a "negative" prediction, but the truth is the REAL world is cruel and unforgiving and jealous and leads many innocents away by sabotage and dominant bullying. How can a sweet young child be protected from the big bad world of college, work, industry and corruption? They can't. The ONLY solution is to teach them wisdom and the dangers that lay ahead, pitfalls to avoid, and give them the training to fight oppression and control. These are tools of strengthening the Soul and they are not pretty--facing a wounded world takes courage and all Dragon parents need to be prepared to fight for their children.

Wounded Children--Spoiling, Separating, Denying and Attacking the Dragon Parent's Integrity

Many of my friends are great parents in conservative environments. Many of them have given their children what they had always wanted and often because of financial abundance, what is not truly necessary--luxury things like electronics and cars, vacations, private lessons, summer camps, the latest fashion items, you name it. But if the recipients are not grateful, are spoiled or are used to such gifts and use them to look down upon others, they don't have a perceived value on them. I am guilty of having done this. I got my oldest a cell phone under my contract three separate times with three separate companies. I didn't train her discipline with these gifts and her lack of perceived value extended my generosity into overuse of what I could afford.

Each time I lost my own phone contract as well because I couldn't afford to pay the extensive overages and lost the privilege because of these unrealistic 2-year contract deals. The last time was the hardest on me because I was so poor at the time, I could barely make the payments on both phones. She wouldn't help pay for the already committed contract, went and got her own phone and service, and then I lost my phone due to lack of money AND have an exorbitant bill now to pay for adding her additional phone line and breaking the contract after only a year. Thousands of dollars later, I am grateful I can only extend the privilege so far and have chosen to only handle my own service. I learned my lesson. But it has severely wounded my financial situation, and I haven't taught my daughter anything about responsibility in this case. But as a Dragon parent, I am solid now and will not give something to any of my children without it being for a good cause or a rational or imperative reason. My generosity is as great as the gold in my cave but it is more important to teach a great lesson in responsibility than to give abundantly.

As a single parent, this is a common theme. Living on the edge of poverty and complete ruin for several years, I am consciously aware of the difficulty most parents have in raising children alone. As a Dragon parent, however, I am a fighter and still have a strength of conviction that many parents would have lost a long time ago. And because of my strength and my passion to be as vocal and public about my life as possible, I frighten many of the enemies that attack in mob mentality style with pitchforks! In fact, I too lost my social "status" in society when I left my husband. Nobody cared about why I left. Nobody supported my cause not to die, but they grabbed there farm tools and chased me as far away as they could. These wounds are why I write and teach so many today.

For instance, it was really humorous the other day when my youngest dragonette (the one that lives with her father) sent me a picture of herself with Disney mouse ears from Florida this week and I received some weird text message that said "Why u put mom and kate on same message? You just gave her mom's phone number". Now mind you I am her mother, so I didn't understand who the message was for or about or why. I didn't recognize the number, but I am not used to being called by my name, so I responded to the text, "Who is this?" Suddenly I received a call from the daughter in Florida saying her father had called her and said I was HARASSING him! Oh my.

I was in a meeting at the time and burst into laughter. I thought I was going to cough up a fireball! I am apparently the big bad scary Dragon that is so intent on destroying someone's fantasy idea that I am "evil"...and even though my daughter did NOT actually forward me anyone's phone number (i.e. her step-mother), I wouldn't have given a care anyway, because I don't think twice about that person. Apparently the ex-husband has some sense of false importance in believing that I would "harass" him and his wife. Fear-based and irrational, but I see why. I am scary. I am strong and always have been. And truth is, I was wronged by them, in more ways than I have time to write about in this message. But I could only laugh, call my daughter and assure her I have no intention of "harassing" anyone, and my response to my ex was, "I am not harassing you (name of father). And have a good day. Namaste." Truth is, my life is so wonderful I wouldn't even care if they began their campaign to separate the children and I again...because I KNOW my children all now know the Truth and how much I truly love them Unconditionally.

Remember Shrek? I absolutely love how the writers allowed the big bad ogre to actually enjoy being scary! I am one of those parents. I am dangerous because of my scars--the more they throw their spears and stab with their pitchforks, the stronger I become. The more I am harassed by religion, false accusations, and judged, the greater my ability to be Unconditionally Loving and the stronger my resolve and the louder my voice. I know too many parents who have lost children in terrible battles like mine. But it is in these battles that a truly honorable and loving parent becomes the fire-breather and the protector.

After my last several relationship disasters (see previous blogs) I have also picked up other strengths as well, including legal knowledge, martial arts (I once took up kickboxing and now I am in beginning Tai Chi again with my wonderful partner!), and prolific publishing and writing. My Dragon-self resolves to be the best at everything I do for myself and as an example--I am in much better shape physically, I am healthy and strong and eat primarily raw foods or those we cook ourselves, I work and play hard, and I laugh abundantly. More importantly I have connected Wisdom, Spirituality and Compassion for those who have suffered from these bullying mobs of society. The analogy is so blatantly revived now in children's cinema--even in How To Train Your Dragon where the young protagonist had to defend his friendship with such a lethal creature, which caused the villagers to try and kill the offensive creatures. And we see the same theme in movies where people become afraid of the "monster" they have envisioned and feared. Truth is, with any wild creature, there should be an element of fear! My adorable and loving partner has the sense to know this of me, but he too can be a fighting Dragon parent, AND he has the skills to prove it.

In an online article I read about the "10 Step-Family Dragons" from the Step And Blended Family Institute (http://www.stepinstitute.ca/stepfamily_dragons.php) I of course immediately went to the section on division and badmouthing. My experience was thus as written: The Lack of Co-Parenting and Badmouthing Between Ex-Spouses: Few parents have a concrete co-parenting plan but desperately need one. Many indulge in bad-mouthing of the other parent. Badmouthing hurts the child deeply and the child’s self-esteem for life because one parent is saying the other half of the child is “bad”. The parent who is badmouthed does not know how to neutralize badmouthing. Often children are made to judge, and often choose, between their blood parents. Our society has no remedy for the consequences of this. Children grow up one-sided. And they are made to "choose" sides, which often leads to wounded and unprotected children attracting life lessons that will challenge their beliefs. Even though many of the estranged or ousted parents are not able to recover from the separation, the opposite occurs in Dragon parents. Thus it is truly important to create support among those parents who are wounded or find themselves unable to parent. It takes a village to raise a child, but it often breaks a village when the child is separated from his or her protector. And it is truly damaging to children when they are bullied into fear of any kind, but it is seriously the most damaging by the ones that are supposed to protect them.

Solutions to Dragon Parenting--Balancing the Elements

First and foremost, Dragon Parents, stop emotional blackmail. If you find yourself or another parent doing it, find out how to stop it. I was not always perfect, but I am continually focusing on what I CAN do now as a parent rather than what I CAN'T do. So instead of emotionally harboring anger (even if it is righteous!), I let my own life be an example of joy for my children!

Second, create your own loving and abundant cave of wonders. Why would your children want to leave the safety of the environment if your home is loving and giving? I am not talking about money. Even if you have it, why spend it on frivolous buy-offs? If your job or career or company is keeping you from raising your children properly, why are you doing it? Can there be another option? If you are constantly having to fight to pay a mortgage, car payment, credit card debts or other assorted bills, isn't this detracting your purpose from a healthy and balanced family life? And is your lifestyle robbing your joy from your partner/spouse as well? What steps can you do, even if it is one at a time, to remedy these life conditions that are taking away your vitality?

Third, let's talk about your Earth-physical self. This is truly important and I will explain. Parents who are buying into the current systems of health destruction (often referred to in the United States as Big Pharma, Big Tobacco, Big Agro and Big Medicine) are MISSING major elements of healthy living that are depleting their families. First, we are a fast-food nation. If every strong parent learned to walk away from fast food, even if it is a majority of the time and not all of the time, you are doing greater than the rest of the country! 70 Percent of our nation right now is overweight!! So, parents who are willing to fight, you must make life changes that will adjust your thinking and change the training you are giving your children! What are you putting into your own body? What do you allow them to eat?? Are you eating foods with GMO's? Are you living off of processed foods? Can you find a way to cut down or get rid of something unhealthy, like video games and even cable TV, in order to put your food intake first and create healthier meals? Will you be strong enough to fight the generation of spoiled children and wrong messages by giving your kids the responsibility to cook, clean, do chores and be able to teach them independent living? If you don't know how to cook, learn!!!

Next, what activities are you showing your kids that you do? If you have to quit smoking, that should come first. Period. Nobody in their right mind in this country or anywhere on the planet should continue to smoke cigarettes. Next, are you going to the gym, walking to and from work, or doing at least 15-30 minutes worth of exercise a day? Or at least 3 times a week to prevent heart attacks or diseases? And do you get your children to do physical activities or are they stuck watching television? And what are you doing for your sanity? Do you have hobbies that are examples for your children? Do you make quality time for them or are you too self-absorbed? Do NOT give me any lip about being too busy, especially you single parents. I sacrificed so much of my time and attention for my children and gave up many of my own activities to spend time with them. I gave up buying things for myself to take them on vacations. I gave up single living and dating in times when I needed to put my kids first. Again, I wasn't perfect, but my fire to create the right home for them was blazing, even in my struggling when I was living an unhealthy lifestyle. They were able to see me transform and I am grateful! So start now.

So as your Earth-physical environment is being examined one step at a time, how is your Water-emotional environment? Are you truly happy? Are you thinking of your own emotional well-being and finding ways everyday to improve this part of you? Do you fight to heal your scars and wounds? Do you search to find meaning in your parenting, relationship and/or your self-improvement? Do you let other's opinions of you get you down?? Do you tell your little dragons you love them? Do you laugh and play? Do you budget your time so you can relax? What could you do everyday, one step at a time, to improve your emotional health?

If you are a couple, do you show your children a healthy relationship? Are you truly loving your partner Unconditionally? Do you have a healthy way of communicating with him or her (or them)? Do you talk positively to each other or cut each other down? Is the relationship fixable if it is wounded or do you continue to spit fire at each other which is showing such a negative example to your children? What can you do to be more loving and giving to your partner? Do you know the different love languages and do you use them with your family? Can you give up selfish desires to put your relationship ahead of frivolity, like drinking, hanging out with friends over your partner, or doing things that constantly cause a detrimental reaction from them? How is your Water-emotional tank being filled?

Are you spending time on your Air-Intellectual self? What can you read or watch or learn to be a better parent? What can you teach your children from your own passions? What can you do to allow your children independence and to learn to fly? What can you do to better your own education? What do you do with your time on the internet? What do you read? And what do you watch on TV or at the movies--are these things mindless entertainment or positive influences?

And what do you do for your Fire-spiritual side? This is self-explanatory and I will cover more in the next chapter. But meanwhile, are you loving others Unconditionally? And do you TREAT others as you want to be treated? Especially your family???

I know we are all well-meaning in some way, shape or form. We all strive to be better people, but why?? What is the point of a great career if your kids hate you? Seriously. What is the rationale behind dragging kids to do something you want them to do if you are not paying any attention to what they feel? How can you protect them from predators? Are you truly listening to your own heart when you make choices everyday as a parent? And how do you find the balance in soaring ahead of them in order to protect them and pushing them off a cliff to watch them fly? When do you need to give them a strong life lesson in order to keep them from getting attacked? And when do you need to breathe the fire of protection to keep them safe and warm? Ask yourself: How are you as a Dragon Parent?

Chapter 7--Ride on the Peace Train

Now I've been happy lately, thinking about the good things to come
And I believe it could be, something good has begun
Oh I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one
And I believe it could be, some day it's going to come
Cause out on the edge of darkness, there rides a peace train
Oh peace train take this country, come take me home again

- Peace Train by Cat Stevens (Yusuf Islam)

There are days when I wake up and just feel totally grateful! And there are days when I wake up grumpy, just like everyone else that has had a moment of humanity. I am glad I usually wake up grateful, but since there is a major flu bug going around and none of my family can breathe properly, I have begrudgingly gotten out of bed and began the daily routine to get my youngest off to school, my homework done, breakfast dishes and cleaning the kitchen done, and swallow down a forced cup of coffee and a protein shake. Today I have had to add nose-blowing every few minutes into the routine, which has allowed my mood to be altered to a bit of irritation. I will work on answering emails first this morning. I will make more chicken soup for my sick family. THEN if I am energetically inspired, I go to the gym and write out my daily assignments for my screenwriting. Maybe I will bring a book to read on the machines, usually revolving around business or occasionally a favorite to further enhance my spiritual pursuits. But as I teeter on the thought of going back to bed, I am reminded how amazing my life is! And I had to get up to write.

Fourteen years ago I was living on the graces of some of my wonderful friends. I had an apartment I couldn't afford and after the divorce and having been railroaded into poverty, leaving everything behind and losing any of what I had left, I barely had enough time to find a poorly underpaid waitress job and didn't eat much at all for almost a year. I went from a difficult time losing weight at a size 14 to a barely able to keep my clothes up size 2. I was in a constant state of fight or flight for a year during the divorce. I experienced what many would consider "war conditions." And I was so despondent. And I had no will left to live--yet freedom from oppression and lies and being degraded constantly was a better alternative than living on the edge of having nothing left. I was even forced to stay away from my children, bullied by the courts, and threatened to be thrown in jail if I didn't give what I had left to my ex for child support. But I had me--my mind, my Spirit and my independence.

So as I realize how far I have come, I am reminded of how my life is amazing! I have a beautiful family, have all of my children AND many more! I have a wonderful partner, loving and honorable friends, a refrigerator full of yummy organic and natural food, all the amenities I could ask for! I have internet and heat and Netflix and a new bank account and school and my teachers and healers and.... See, there is an abundance to be grateful for! But was I grateful for what I had back 14 years ago? Yes. But in a different way; I was grateful I was able to start over, but held so much resentment for the way I was treated.

It is SO easy to be "happy" when we are warm and comfortable and surrounded by love! But those times when life throws us curve balls, when we are thinking about whether we are going to pay our rent or feed our children, those times when you find out your partner is more interested in watching adult entertainment than in spending time with you, those moments when you find yourself with a bottle of vodka in bed with you at night, or when you realize you can't take care of yourself let alone others, those are the moments when gratefulness is the LAST feeling you have running around your brain...

The most difficult experience I had threaded throughout all these days of extreme sadness was the fact that I was completely rejected and judged by so many others who claimed to be Spiritual leaders and teachers and even supposed friends. My kids' father lied to everyone about me (I found the emails and had many conversations with those who told me his intentions). My family cut me off from any support. And remember, I wasn't a drug addict or party animal or anything remotely resembling a deviant. My condition after divorce, however, resembled these archetypes after I had nothing left to hold onto. My friends, those that claimed to be so godly, were the first to run like rats from a sinking ship.

It is funny--it was the new friends I made that took me in, cared for me, made sure I was fed and had a roof over my head. These friends were my new Pagan, Wiccan, Atheist and Buddhist friends. In fact, I am still grateful to be friends with many of them today! I felt amazing, unconditional love from them! I was richly blessed with compassion. It is because of these experiences that I found that silver lining in the darkness of such a turbulent life journey. Much like the Biblical references to the "Good Samaritan", I was rescued not by those in my circles, but those that had the most compassion! (Thank you to those who cared for me--Deborah and Brooke, Mary, Missy, Casey, and even Eric and of course David! And also to my many friends who were there for me as well, Michael, Kat, Kimi, Kaye, Tripp, Jason, and the rest of the Saint Simons gang! You all know who you are and will always be remembered forever...)

The reason I even bring up these multitudes of experiences today is because I want all my readers to know that in my pursuit to find wholeness, peace and wisdom, I had to experience so much pain so I can understand what those around me are experiencing. This was my Buddha's journey--just like in the story of Siddhartha Gautama. The Buddha began his journey in extreme wealth, sheltered from the outside world. Then he encountered every one of life's traumas--poverty, sickness, disease, death--and finally woke up to his purpose. When he was awakened, he left his comfortable palace lifestyle and with the help of a chariot driver, he was able to sneak out of the kingdom to go and find his people and see the suffering he had only recently encountered. When he was long on his journey, he was at the point of starvation when a village girl took him in and gave him rice and milk. Her generosity was rewarded with the ability to conceive her son according to the story. Many of these karmic changes are written about in the wisdom texts--direct blessings given for kindness and compassion. THIS is why I live the way I do and why I have chosen the life I have.

For my Christian friends, this similar parable is explained by Jesus in Matthew 25:35-40: For I was hungry, and you gave me meat: I was thirsty, and you gave me drink: I was a stranger, and you took me in: naked, and you clothed me: I was sick, and you visited me: I was in prison, and you came to me. Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we you an hungered, and fed you? or thirsty, and gave you drink? When saw we you a stranger, and took you in? or naked, and clothed you? Or when saw we you sick, or in prison, and came to you? And the King shall answer and say to them, Truly I say to you, Inasmuch as you have done it to one of the least of these my brothers, you have done it to me. There are hundreds of examples about Jesus' generosity in the Christian Bible. For my Jewish friends, compassion is all but lost in the Old Testament conquests, but think about the wisdom of those who were altruistic and unconditional, like in the stories of Ruth and Hannah (notice they are both women!). Selfish pursuits to conquest, dominate and separate (the "chosen" ones) are examples of what our society now models in order to further the missions that are instilled by Fear. How many times have I heard that the War on Iraq was "God's Will"?? Really? Yes, I understand that there are Muslim factions too that take their beliefs to an extreme...but haven't we propagated these divisions? That can be as likely attributed to God as NOT feeding someone because they don't have the same belief system (but I see it happen in religious circles).

So now that I am on a Path to Enlightenment myself, I am attracting so many who are a part of my world that are from all walks of life! I found on all my journeys that one thing resonated throughout--either those around me understood true loyalty and compassion and the tenets of Unconditional Love, or they were held back by their comfort zone, false superiority and judgments. What a stark contrast! Now there are those I met who were more the Conditional types that have had their own awakenings and have come around to show great strides in love, compassion and service. And then I have seen those who I thought were on the path to understanding who have been caught up by societal norms, money, dogma or just plain complacency. I often see that those who can't handle change or are confronted with a challenge often stick their heads in the sand. I think this is what happened to some of my friends from my youth when I was in the middle of the divorce--I don't think any of them could handle the challenge to their own belief systems.

The Difference Between "Us V. Them" and "Us AND Them"

In my journeys the last many years, I have encountered a stark contrast in our society that has propagated and fed into Fear. If there ever was a societal basis behind the idea of a Satan or a Devil, it is the Fear that leads to separatism. I see it actually the most prominently in the majority movements that revolve around religious ideologies, especially the main 3 in our country: Christianity, Judaism and Islam. I am NOT by any means saying ALL people of faith fall into this! In fact many of you (those that would actually READ this) are much more understanding, educated, open-minded and/or enlightened to the True nature of the purpose behind belief systems in the FIRST place. Those that promote, preach and feed into separatism are creating the basis for disharmony that continues to flourish in our society.

Americans are most susceptible to it! See, we are not only subjected to the barrage of national, political hype, but we are also conditioned to choose "sides". We have national sports teams that compete against others. We have inflated loyalty to these teams and our passions behind them. Why else would there be violent encounters at games if we didn't have such conditioning? I see it in our politics even more starkly. During the elections last year, there was such a division in which "side" to vote for, when it was such a farce--neither choice was going to be favorable for the actual people of our country, because the "Us" and "Them" were not Democrats and Republicans but rather the Privileged and Non-Privileged. But this is overlooked in a society that is trained to "take sides."

Remember in grade school when you had to be on a "team"? When we were growing up, our gym teacher Coachie (that's what we called him) would choose two students and those two students had to take turns choosing teams. This led to a few students always being chosen last or feeling unwanted. It was typical. I remember times when I was one of the "choosers" and I would consciously choose based on who I thought NEEDED to be chosen rather than who was most popular, athletic or enthusiastic. I remember it being like a contest. It was so much pressure! But it taught me early to think about the choices I made long before there was a theory/principle behind it. It just was.

Not all children are born with the gift of seeing the best in others, the Divine Child, as I was. I can honestly say it wasn't always true and I wasn't always a thoughtful kid. I hurt people, just like I was hurt. I wasn't complacent by any means! And I was susceptible to peer pressure and made some poor decisions in puberty because of it (most involving dating and friendships--I wasn't exposed to challenging vices until much later). But even then, I knew that the ONLY way to be a great young woman was to be kind, generous, and giving even to a fault. And so it happened that I was part of a group of loving, non-judgmental youth, but we too were separated because of our faith. And in our home town, there were many groups that spent their time "converting" other youth to their causes, to joint their youth groups, to live in this bubble of same-faith community. Since leaving the nest of singular understanding, I have found that this can only go so far. I commend those that have taken the leap and gone into mission work or some kind of service. But for many, it has just allowed a generation of separatists to continue to enforce the ideology onto a new generation of children, and the societal divisions based on Fear are growing wider.

I know many didn't want to be friends in High School because of my Christian stand. In contrast to the fear-based ideologies though, I was just super zealous. See, it was in my own understanding of Divine Love that I wanted to share it with everyone, which was a bit too pushy for many of my classmates. Later in life, when it came down to who actually stood by me from that group of friends, only my best friends Tom and Kelly have been there for me the whole time. Tom didn't hang out with our little "religious" group, but we have been siblings since grade school. And Kelly, even in spite of our differences in beliefs now, has always been a true and giving friend.

Then, I believe the reason my life was such a dichotomy was the extreme difference in Conditional and Unconditional Love. As explained in the last couple of chapters, I have been blessed with the understanding of seeing others as I see myself BECAUSE of the Divine connection I choose. But even those who claim to be connected with the Divine are sorely off-base when they feed into the agenda that being kind is ONLY reserved to those that believe what they do. Do you see this? Which side do YOU choose to be on?

So to become more "Us AND Them" we must also take a look at how we envision those that don't believe, look or associate with us. Movies often depict the extreme in society. The ultra-wealthy grow up to either be superior in their actions and treatment of others, or they do something good with their lives to help humanity. But there is a HUGE difference in offering service to the world to make yourself look good and the acts of true genuine service! When we reach out of our world and find those that are hurting, poor, suffering, homeless, do we judge their condition? Or do we see them as we see ourselves? Wasn't I just in that same boat, TWICE in this lifetime? Most of you know me and understand I have reconstructed my life just like I have adapted to and reconstructed my faith. Many of you look at me as successful. But would you have asked if I needed help when I had nowhere to go? Would you have attempted to understand why I was lying near-dead on the side of the road or would you have walked around to the other side of the street? And not just me, but those that live in your own community?

Change the Mentality and the Faith Will Follow

I am not asking for many of you to take a radical leap. There is often an underlying ideology already that allows us to easily see the connections in humanity once we are on the path to Divine living. But the roadblock to seeing through the eyes of the Source is this little itching virus of separation that feeds off our energy by creating the drama of "Us V. Them". Folks, I have my moments. Once again I am human! I have a deep disdain for prejudice and even more disdain for hate crimes. I tend to "judge" those that commit these types of actions and I have to take a step back and figure out why. I don't believe in the turn-the-other-cheek idea completely. If I am slapped once, I usually fight back the second time I am struck (hahahaha!) but I do believe in the importance of understanding why someone would be able to live in Fear.

But take a look at what you THINK when you see others. What do you create in your world when you have a conflict with a relative, a coworker, someone on the train, a person standing in line in front of you at the grocery store? How do you respond to others when they are kind or when they are stressed? What is your natural reaction to people standing on the corners begging for money? Where do you find yourself on the side of thinking when it comes to religion, politics and nationality? And what is the most memorable experience you have about handling a situation with someone who was or is hateful? Or do you stay in such a tight-knit group that this would never happen because you are too busy talking to those within your own circles?

I want to give you something to plant in your mind as you finish this: Who are YOU in these scenarios? And would it change your life radically if you chose to find a way to be less selfish and more kind? Would you find peace if you didn't have whatever Fear it is in your heart and mind? If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? I want to start getting some feedback from my friends and family about these blogs--feel free to contact me and let's have a chat about what is it that may be eating away at you. Once you begin mentally shifting your focus on treating EVERYONE as you would want to be treated, regardless of your actions, you WILL find a way to open your Faith in both Humanity and the Divine. Take the time to check it out yourself! Do one good deed, a pay-it-forward, for ONE person this week. Then tell me how you feel about your life and where you are going!

C'mon, jump aboard the Peace Train with me! Yeah, maybe I AM just a hippie in Mommy's clothing, but I have never truly been happier. It really does look great on this side!

Chapter 6--Unconditional Love Leads To an Unconditional Life

I began writing my thoughts and journeys down in September 2009. I will eventually edit all of my material as I have gained great wisdom and knowledge since beginning this journey. However, I can see the progression is greatly enhanced by this revelation: That we must live our lives in Unconditional Love. It seems idealistic. Many have told me I wear "rose-colored glasses." But the Truth comes out when one finally crosses that Threshold into understanding a connection with the Divine and not allowing daily circumstances to break that connection, but rather enhance it. It is living in one's Center, finding one's God, having one's Divine inspiration...it all relates to crossing a bridge that when on the other side seems like such a fond memory to a new beginning.

In Chapters 1 and 2, I created a definition for dichotomy and balance in life. My desire was to cover examples of life's contrasts--the Yin and Yang of "good" and "bad" thought, which ultimately leads to questioning WHY do we perceive something is one way or the other? The conclusions became that everything happens for the purpose of 1. Creating contrast in life lessons along the way to allow us to see if we are in line with our higher learning path and 2. Defining experiences and people in our lives as those we are able to connect with Conditionally or Unconditionally.

In Chapters 3 and 4, I define what IS Love. I go into detail over the definitions of Love in its many forms and then how it connects to us in relationships. But these definitions are limited by our worldly scope of Love if they separate our individual self from our Divine Creator. It may come across as academic, but it is in finding that Love is so diverse that we often find ourselves categorizing our feelings for others based on our definitions rather than what we see in them by "walking a mile in their moccasins." These definitions allow relatability. I absolutely love seeing those around me through that lens! In spite of our own thoughts, behaviors and attractions, we still have a Divine connection that shows us what we need to learn. So what is your goal in this lifetime? To see the thread in everything around you? Or to allow yourself to be limited by what you are told to be the truth?

The reason I am asking the choice here is much like when Morpheus asks Neo if he wants the red or the blue pill in the movie The Matrix. Once your eyes have seen beyond the scope in front of you, once you become blind to skin color, age, race, religion, region and social class, you also see that connection that allows us to rise in consciousness and elevate humanity. Now, I have seen many who have been given the SAME choices as I and challenges as I have and they chose to remain where they were in their own reality. I see it all the time now because it is so contrasting to what I feel and believe. In fact, I am often "accused" of being and thinking OUTSIDE reality. I do. This is a given once you cross into the Threshold of Divine Living. I don't have to engage with those that believe in the limitation of what our awakening allows. However, I still choose to commune with those that understand being alive in our world is to be open to the infinite possibility, vibrate on the level of Love, and reach out to those around us who are also striving to find this path.

So what I discovered is that those around me are a reflection of my Universe and I often find the Truth between experiences, encounters, words and reflections within these connections! So using this format, I am looking at what I see in the World and what I see in the Collective Consciousness and find a way to bridge these worlds together--Earth and Divine--by observing my world from the outside-the-box point-of-view! And within that framework, I find thankfulness for my entire journey!

Gratefulness for the Journey to the Truth

I have to admit that the switch didn't happen overnight, even after experiencing challenges that would push many other more open individuals to that moment of enlightenment. It was a lot more subtle for me on my journey. As I expressed in the last chapter, I had a lot of Conditional Love examples that led me to learn more and more about what path I did NOT want to take. I chose to allow friendships, partnerships, and even family relationships to remain long after they had become negative or self-serving BECAUSE I love them. I remember incidences throughout my life of friends that used me for my talent, my looks, my intellect and my faith. Many of the "vampire energies" that I have allowed to exist came in through the door of love. I was incapable of separating Love and Service from being used. This was also a byproduct of my upbringing, belief system and social conditioning. But I am grateful for all my life lessons!

Now we have this crazy thing called Facebook that we use to connect with other people. I have had many relationships reconnected through this virtual forum. It's amazing! Think of this--millions of us connect in order to share information, stories, memories and often ideologies and passions. It has been a brilliant social experiment for the world! So many other forums offered similar means of connecting for many different reasons. Since the internet has become a household entity, we have had Myspace around for a while for connecting, Twitter for networking, LinkedIn for business, Meetup.com for hosting groups, and now we have all kinds of virtual sites for marketing, class reunions, dating, and sharing interests. We have the giants like Google, Wikipedia, and all these virtual news sources to feed us information. The World is at our fingertips! And what do many of us do? Pass pictures of kittens to one another and play online video games. I find it quite fascinating!

So I have discovered that if I use all these mediums, virtually post my expressions of Love and Light to whomever in my Universe is listening (including this blog!), I am creating a space for allowing others to come into my world as well and to open to my awareness. Many are already there and come as a friend and peer in this Journey. And these are the folks I keep attracting. I find myself feeling such gratefulness and community thanks to these connections...many of which are still only virtual. I do attempt to create as many face-to-face connections as possible. In fact, that is what I live for--traveling, journeys to see other people, connecting to find out of there are ways to get these messages out to many. I collaborate when I write. I depend on my closest friends and family for guidance as well as keeping my focus on reality. And I find that I still resonate with those who want to live an altruistic lifestyle. I desire a gift-society living and I am creating this life for myself and living this way with my family.

Several years ago I had a series of crossroad moments that allowed me to move toward these directions and attract these kinds of communities. I have covered the challenges (Conditional Love) in relationships. I encountered issues that included commitment to myself and my path, the ability to transform a relationship with loving kindness, and the abrupt ending of those relationships that vibrated into different directions for whatever reason. To expand these patterns in relationships, I was recently reminded of the connections I have made with other movie producers. I have also been partnered with many of these business relationships, but when I set the intention of looking for a mutual ground, I am often met with resistance. There are still many who live for themselves but do not VALUE the work done, monetarily or otherwise. Since it has no "value" then the work is not considered work at all and often I have been taken for granted by my generosity. These moments then defined my movement.

For instance, I began this Journey of Enlightenment while I was working for a movie producer as his Network Specialist. We had a great working relationship but no contracts. He showed me how to focus on creating the environment and life you want by putting my Spiritual attractions to work in our business. It seemed to work for a time. I told him I needed to be paid for my work or I couldn't work with him anymore and he told me no. So I learned a lot from our agreement, but wasn't honored in pay or for what I was worth, which became a question: what AM I worth? Then I moved on to partner with other people, learned to run a production company myself, and have made a choice to step out of that arena when a new path presented itself returning to acting and learning to master screenwriting. The more I plan to produce and create works that are high-minded, the more high-minded the connections I am making. And my lesson--self-worth--reflects now even more strongly when contrasted by those who don't see that within themselves.

Since my movie producer partner faded away into the distance, we always come around to reconnect in one way or another. He unfortunately lost his girlfriend at the same time my ex died in 2011, so we had a reason to communicate on a personal level. My world has become greater thus the distance between degrees of separation are smaller. I am actively involved with people in my spiritual community in Denver. I am also working in partnership to write and create several entities that will reflect our strong ideologies on film. I find that we all know a lot of the same people. Many chose to "take sides" when I left my last relationship because he too was widely connected. But those that have stayed "friends" (whether virtually or on a regular basis) are showing that they don't have a need to be Conditional with me! This is a great progress I have had with my friendships--they continue to reconnect and it is happening with more and more friendships as I write.

Seeking the Truth from Humanity's Reflection

So not only do I have these great mediums to express my gratefulness, these connections that are inspired by the Divine, but I also have the blessings of the connections to the Truth. Another pattern I encountered in my Journey was finding the right Spiritual Truths when I asked for them! Remember, many of Life's Lessons come from a yearning to seek an answer, even if it appears in a form unpleasant or difficult to handle. I have learned about my own strong desire to be independent because I am watching my daughter mimic and reflect my very essence when I was her age and in college. I also see a reflection of my awakening in the young people I have encountered the last few years in my travels and here in our spiritual groups. When they have an "ah-hah moment" I am reminded of my own blessings. I am also reminded of my humanity when I see a young person fail to achieve their goal and end up in disappointment. I can comfort them and it also comforts me to know that not everything happens as we set out to create it. BUT if we are open to it, the Higher Path will lead us to where we are suppose to be going.

I have a great example. Often the truth of the world's view comes out of the mouths of babes. Children often indicate a gauge to our wellness by their words, often just blurted out. I have had nephews and nieces and friends' children tell me things like, "Why do you look so different? Why are you so (skinny, big, old, etc)?" My first thought becomes, "What have I done to my body?" Oftentimes in stress I have allowed my body to fluctuate and my body appearance changes when I am in these situations--thus this thought gives me an indicator on what I might have to look at to change. In my experience I have had to look at the reasons behind the questions as well, so I don't have negative thoughts at any time about my appearance per se nor about the child that asked the question by any means! I have been told by another child that I am the most beautiful woman they have seen! (That was one of my adoring nephews). But I do take these signs into consideration IF I feel I may be on the wrong track for some reason. Yet many times I see this as a reflection of the World in general as to how I am intended to be by their standards. So am I focusing on the wrong thoughts? Does this analysis make sense to you? Do you judge or reflect yourself to the world in a way that is allowing your light to shine through as the Creation that you are? So when they ask, "Why do you look so different?" you can answer, "because I am so joyful!" Thinking within as a reflection of the Divine rather than on the surface became an imperative leap of understanding in my journey.

Children are well-known for pointing out other things too. One child used to ask me, "Do you believe in Jesus like my mommy does?" to which I answered, "I do believe that Jesus was here for a reason. I believe you are here too, right in front of me, for a reason! We all exist here for a reason." Another used to ask me, "How old are you really?" to which I answered, "How old do you want me to be?" One child asked me why I don't have my own house. Another wants to know why I have chosen not to buy another car. I then look at the Path I have chosen and I am grateful for what I have decided to do with each choice along the way. I also have had children ask me why I was in a specific relationship, which in a nutshell was an litmus test to what I was reflecting and often asking myself at the same time. These are all thoughts stemmed from a societal awakening that they are experiencing. These thoughts intrigue me as I examine their origins--faith, social status, possessions--but often they are indicators upon examination of the way the World looks at me. So I ask, am I too seeing myself from a worldly point-of-view or am I focusing on what I can do for my family, for my community and those around me? The answer more and more has been I am on the RIGHT PATH and everything else becomes superfluous.

So how did I take all of these encounters into consideration? I began to think of myself in Divine terms as I encountered people, as having the Spirit within and seeing their Spirit as well. And these definitions of self I reflected back to those around me. Going back to seeking for Spiritual Truths, when I began searching for peers and teachers who I could resonate with, I sought for those around me to be forthright, but for the right reasons! Then I began to attract those who would call me out on my limitations, stop me from thinking Conditionally, and give me an honest feedback to where I was heading. I had a few close friends in 2009 when I began this writing that would reflect with me and point me in the right direction. Now I am blessed with hundreds of new connections throughout the world!

The Rest of My Journey Up To Now

So how did I cross this bridge over to Unconditional Love? As I concluded above, I first chose to take a path starkly different than the ones my relationships were on (especially after leaving Colorado and visiting my old stomping grounds in Chicago the Summer of 2009 with my daughter and my best friends Tom and Greg). Then I found compassion from those who understood my major life changes, especially since I left the negativity AND all my belongings behind. All I had at that point was the car I was driving and the suitcases I was carrying. I then found my self-worth through exploring my relationship with others in business and chose to work in positions only making what I was worth. There were a couple of exceptions to the rule this past year while settling into new environments, but that is to be expected. And I finally decided to look at myself through the lens of the Divine, rather than the World.

I no longer need material things, though I enjoy some comforts and I have excellent taste because I love to decorate. I use the skills I have learned basically everyday, from business to parenting to leadership from an Unconditional point of view. I analyze everything I do and for what purpose it has come into my life at the time that it does. I write out my conflicts and lessons in this form, in my screenwriting developments, in novel and in poetry. I embrace rather than run from emotions and I stand up for myself when I am wronged. I am not passive or quiet in my passions, in fact I am rather outspoken and forthright when asked. I don't limit my conversations to help others unless it has a non-Unconditional based motive, like those that want my attention for romantic pursuits rather than on a true friendship level. And I have found myself on the other side of these realizations in a wonderful, loving family environment!

My family life here in Denver is wonderful! It is exactly where we are meant to be. We are learning gifts from one another because we choose to cherish one another! This is such a simple thought but it is powerful and inspires greatness from all of us. I am running a business with my family, enjoying raising a step-daughter, looking for ways to expand our business and my writing through travel, creating concepts that will elevate our purposes and give the world around us a little more hope. I accept my humanity in the forms of the occasional illness, a momentary lapse of reason, an outburst of frustration every once in a while. I am a Spiritual person here having a Physical experience on this planet! This is how I look at any situation--through a Spiritual filter.

I also believe in Karma. Everyone who I have wronged I have either had a chance to reconcile or have been able to let go of the situation. There are a few exceptions because of a continued conflict, mostly revolving around my children. I allowed myself to be treated in an inferior way by not placing a value on my own skills and talents as a mother, guardian and partner in previous relationships. Now my wonderful partner Mark and our adorable other-mother Amber and our daughter all seek to honor one another's gifts and I feel so blessed to be venerated for what I do. I love my life and I am finally finding that "home" where before I was always running, travelling, seeking the answers elsewhere. I find the beauty of the Universe's Unconditional Love in energy given to create, write, sing, meditation, honor and thank one another. And now it is time to do something with this Unconditional Love and Divine Knowledge! This is the next step on my Journey to Enlightenment--where should we put all our love and overflowing passion?

Chapter 5--Love's Labour Lost--Conditional V. Unconditional Love

Several years ago, as I was starting my book to my children, I stumbled upon a pattern in humanity that created a movement in my own life and those lives around me. This pattern has been threaded throughout everything I do and is a byproduct of Unconditional Love. I know that sounds really ODD to many (especially my children and those in my life who have learned that love is Conditional), but it is actually a truth that has become stronger and more quantifiable as I explore its possibilities.

See, it is within the LOVE that is LOST and FOUND that I continue to stand by what I have discovered and see the changes in those around me when I truly live in a state of Unconditional Love. It is going to be a Quantum Leap of faith and may alter your thought process if you are not familiar with living every moment in Love, but I guarantee that if you make an attempt to do it daily, you will start seeing it from the point of view of the Collective Consciousness, then you will seriously find your own life changing, progressing quickly, advancing in wisdom, and suddenly you will find yourself in a state of bliss like no other.

Once again, in my writing I remind you that loving everyone does NOT mean giving in, placating, becoming passive or a "doormat", or any allowance of anyone in your life to take advantage of you. Boundaries are by far the greatest expression of Love--if you love yourself enough to set a boundary, then the others in your life either show true love and respect it, or they will be a part of what I call the Love Labour Lost Pool...

My greatest blessing, however, is that I have been given the energy from my Divinity to heal many of these broken relationships, and most recently I have been blessed with the reunion in communication with my two children who did not grow up with me--Christopher and Jacquelyn. I can say that in spite of all the fear-based propaganda and separation, they have made the choice to be loving and take our relationship together to a higher level. I am grateful for both of my children, my oldest child Virginia whom I have been blessed to be with and continue our relationship continuously, and the newest members of my family--my better half, Mark, my best friend Amber, and their daughter Consciense...now we are a completed family! And I attribute it all to taking the higher path of Unconditional Love.

Love Everyone Because We Are All Part of the Creation!

In my fourth chapter on Love, I discussed digging deep into agape and philia, the ideologies/definitions of Love being for friendship and relationships. These are based on our unions formed with each Soul Mate as we are connected to the Divine and partner with the Collective Consciousness. This means that it is because we are connected to a Creator/Divine Source that allows all of Creation to connect together (outside time and space. This means that everyone and everything we encounter is part of our Divine connection). So it leads to the conclusion that we are all ONE in unity, those that have come before, those that will be here or with us in whatever capacity and however it looks to our own reality.

Now, my children and friends, this is a strange realization. Can you fathom loving everyone? Seriously--aren't there people in your life whom you can never see yourself loving? Even I have those people in my life, so don't think I have all the answers to the Divine plan! That is definitely where my humanity comes in too! But I will discuss separation from the Divine shortly. Meanwhile, take a moment to think of how your world would look if everyone loved one another!

Let's create this world of Perfect Love--what does it look like to you? Unrealistic huh? But let's just say our souls suddenly decided to live in harmony and everyone suddenly began practicing altruism--the act of completely giving selflessly. It would mean that social conventions would change drastically. For instance, MONEY would become obsolete. Everyone would give to one another what they need. MATERIAL EXCESS would also be unnecessary--why do you really need that expensive electronic anyway? VIOLENT IMAGERY would diminish--because the real world would eliminate violence, so would our images of the world through movies, video games and the internet. And LIFE would be valued, thus WAR and RELIGIOUS SEPARATISM and KILLING would diminish. Then what if we added true compassion for one another? We would see an end to EXTREME POVERTY, SERFDOM, CLASS DOMINANCE, and so forth. Again, this makes a great novel, but it is NOT currently a path of reality on this planet at this time.

Love always counterbalances with Fear. This is the realistic picture. And it has been inevitable and impossible to escape in the current way our Spirits play out our connections in this Universe. See, as I have learned, it may be that we have to experience negatives in order to appreciate positives. Again, we go back to the Yin and Yang of life. But I have seen the pattern change.... This sounds absurd to those who haven't been where we are yet, but it does change! Let me further investigate this possibility.

So if we are all created from the same Source, we are all part of the same fabric of the Universe, we are all infused with energy and that energy can either be a reflection of Love or Fear, which are emitted like vibrations throughout our being. Have you ever had that feeling that you know what someone is thinking just based on a feeling of them, not on anything they say or do? We alter our vibrations when we choose to focus on a certain frequency, which attracts others with the same vibration--those that choose the path of Love spend their days looking at their life and their surroundings, their family and friends, from the lenses of a Greater Power that is Unconditional. Like a scale tipped into a stronger direction, this kind of life is blessed, abundant and the doors open for more wisdom and peace than you can ever imagine. On the other side, many still choose the path of Fear to run their lives. This manifests, as mentioned in previous chapters, as prejudice, separatism, an imbalance of seeing others as inferior, and eventually it could lead to Hate. Supporting fear, worry and ideologies that are based in negative learned experiences or behaviors is what has created racism, religious oppression, and has spawned greater patterns like violence on television and the news, desensitizing our lives to the mire that we have created as a species.

This all leads back to WHERE do you put your energy?? Do you truly desire to start your path to loving everyone or do you want to give in to the current fear-based propaganda and sensational media that allows us to remain in a lower energy state of conflict?

Pushing Out the Fear and Centering in the Love

In my own life I have been faced with very specific fear-based challenges. I will quickly go through them, since many of my other writings go into detail about the challenges, changes and Soul Mates I have encountered that challenged who I AM and what I stood for in this lifetime. Specifically, I have defining moments that have brought about significant change and I have decided to live my life in Unconditional Love because of these challenges. As I experienced each threshold, feeling burned by each painful lesson, I had a choice that was proposed to me each time: live in resentment, anger and hate (all part of Fear) or move on and live in Love.

Fear manifests in many ways. Let me start with this, because it is not just about the relationships that have been a major factor in my life changing so drastically, but also the other manifestations of fear that have created an imbalance in my own Universe. If I start with my childhood, many of you can relate and can see how I chose the paths I did. And this too, as a loving memoir for my children, will also give them and all my "other children" the opportunity to find out more about who I AM as a whole. And as I always said, I am an open book. I asked for this lifestyle. I asked to be challenged. And ultimately, I asked to be a teacher and leader in this New Era of Enlightenment.

My parents were young--18 and 19--when I was born. I know there aren't any "manuals" on parenting, but in my knowledge of the world now, I am well aware that they were sorely unprepared for child rearing. My father and I are rather close now as I have said many times in my writings, but my mother made another choice in her life--to be angry and miserable and live her entire life in fear, jealousy and pain. Forgiveness was not very often expressed to us as children, and as the oldest of five siblings, I was often the brunt of my mother's anger. This by the way is an observation...I have no anger or resentment against my mother. I learned to see both sides of her--the loving and creative side and the angry and controlling side. I chose to take from that relationship a great number of gifts that I have in my own life today, such as my love for music, singing, cooking and throwing awesome children's birthdays.

What I learned from my mother is that her love was Conditional. She could not grasp the concept of how to overcome her anger toward her life, her family, her father and sister, and what she was lacking in her own journey. I had a similar revelation in high school--so many I met were one or the other, Conditional or Unconditional in their approach to love. I grew up in a Christian-based society where I met many leaders in the community that were actually genuine examples of Unconditional Love and some were shining examples of faith-based superiority and separatism. I observed friends from high school who were kind and yet had emotional stagnation within their own families. I also observed friends who had felt or shown some kind of superiority because of money, parental issues, or status of some sort. And yet I tended to befriend and remain friends with those like myself who had a sense of loyalty, togetherness and friendship. I swore I would live my life as my greatest examples had shown me, Love is Truly Source and Truly Unconditional. This was the lesson I learned from the great Masters in my life--Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi, and Mother Theresa. So I made a choice to live as an example of Unconditional Love, but that did not last very long.

College was a different story altogether. Everything seemed conditional. I put those limitations on my experiences there. For instance, I had a lot of male friends and suitors, but I never allowed them to flourish into anything solid. I was determined to finish my degree no matter what so I always kept men at arm's length. I decided not to marry a couple of them. I ended up attracting men who were also non-committal and not faithful. I didn't see a need for monogamy OR love. But in the end, I did feel love at least in a Conditional sense. Life was moving forward, I was learning how to create a distance from people but at the same time I was learning the depths of love in literature, in watching others around me, and found a great limitation in relationships that were created in college...I felt lonely after the years of closing off to the Unconditional possibility.

I also had a major life dichotomy in my career and then in my marriage at the age of 22. I had to choose the very conditional lifestyle of a doctor and continue pushing to graduate and go to medical school, or on the other hand to settle into a relationship that was permanent and seek unconditional partnership. I chose to get married. I missed out in one way of a lifetime of stability, focus, money and doing something good for society and for myself. But I was blessed with the amazing satisfaction of being a mother. Since all three children were born by the age of 27, and because my marriage fell apart at 30 years old, I was able at that point to definitely recognize a love that was not going to be giving, not going to put my needs above his own, and not able to truly grasp the Source of Unconditional Love, and the kind of love I would then spend the next 14 years seeking to find. Everything in the worlds of those around me at that point revolved around money or social status--my ex, his family, my bosses, my friends, and my own family--and many of them used a false belief system to ostracize and cut out anyone that didn't believe in their system, including the imposed ideology that I was demanded to subject myself unconditionally but receive no reward in return.

This leads to the divorce. I was subjected to a variety of fear-based emotions to counteract with my own self-loathing and fear, which came out as I made a decision that shattered my faith in humanity. I was faced with betrayal. I experienced this from my sister, my ex-husband, my ex-in-laws and my mother, all of whom "judged" and put a condition on me because I chose to leave my marriage. But their actions ultimately led to a karmic path of deception. These betrayals included a series of lies about my character, which led to a nasty custody battle which still continues. And they led to the ultimate downfall of my faith in my belief system as well. If these people could be so hateful for my choice to leave, and then commit acts of hatred, then how could they be portraying an honorable ideology of the Creator? Then I gave up hope, experienced that journey into the abyss, fell into a much-deserved depression, and spent five years in a state of anger against those who were allowed to cause these betrayals. But THIS too is an illusion! See, they were and are just incapable of understanding Unconditional Love. They acted out of their own self-denial. Their character portrayals were destroyed in my eyes. And I too became conditional--the ONE thing I swore would never happen.

Then there were the years of confusion. Why did I continue to attract Conditional Love? Why did I find myself incapable of attracting someone with these ideologies? Why did I have such Unconditional Love from my children but such hatred from those around me? My ex-husband and his family were hateful and spiteful in their actions, spending every dime in court but not even lifting a finger to help me get back on my feet for my children's sake. They continued to take more and more money. My boyfriend during those years was hateful and angry and violent but wouldn't leave me. My kids were struggling and watched me go through so much pain. My daughter who lived with me was suddenly taken from me a second time and I was devastated and the wounds reopened. By this time I fought back. I fought against the system and started publishing papers on the corrupt court system and inability for justice to see abuse when it is right in front of them. Like the human condition, separated and disjointed, the Family Law courts were specifically riddled with injustices and betrayals and abuses, caused by the anger fed into it and the attorneys who promoted separation and discredit those of us that were fighting for truth. In fact, if there ever was a creature of destruction, its name is Family Law Court. I became vocal locally and nationally and the court and the ex's family fought back harder.

I hit a breaking point, which everyone who must find a better path eventually does. After I finally took a break for my sanity and went to study for my last semester in college at University of Alicante in Spain, I walked away from all the projected anger and judgement. I chose to have a solitary but meaningful life. This started while I was in Spain because it was such a tranquil place to live and I was right on the ocean. But I found that my break turned into a momentary stop. And the ability to be alone was superseded by a strong, sudden attraction to a Spaniard. I eloped with him in Spain, then officially back in the U.S., and we moved to Aspen, Colorado. He was a wonderful man but on the path of self-awareness, yet not ready for an altruistic companionship. He left after we were married four months. I was able to get over it quickly because our time together was so short, but he again showed me a Conditional love. This then became the Opposing Pattern: Conditional Relationships were showing me what was NOT the right path.

So I realized that the second, unrealistic marriage was built on conditions as well and I filed for an annulment. By this time, as you probably guessed, I was still living Unconditionally for my children but not able to live this way in a relationship. I continued to repeat this lesson over and over until about three years ago. Meanwhile, I learned that my ability to make a home and settle somewhere became conditional as well. My ability to work at a job that was what I was worth was conditional and all but impossible to find. I can't practice in my academic profession because the field of Anthropology demands a higher degree than what is possible for me to have attained at that time. And my relationships with friends were conditional. I didn't have any support from family or otherwise, except for my sister Jane, who has always been my sounding board and my rock. But she too was feeling the conditional love that always makes us wanting for more, never satisfied in our lives.

Sudden Awakening and the Awareness of my Limitations

Now showing how my life changed from Conditional in childhood, Unconditional in my faith, to a loss of faith and an implementation once more of the Conditional. This was all part of the contrast to my learning process. I had to lose my belief in humanity to be capable of Unconditional Love! This way I could prove it to myself by attempting to see if it is actually possible! And guess what? It was!

I decided to begin to live my life and connection to the Universe as the element of Unconditional Love in my life. It took a few more years of failed jobs and failed relationships and I became a failure to myself as I fell into a cold state of conditional love mirrored by the use of alcohol and drugs to distance myself further from pain and anger. I spent three years in this state of brokenness, then attracted the worst kind of relationships that I could have imagined--the physically abusive ones. I had some of this experience with my boyfriend after marriage. But it was during my period of awakening that my strongest attraction became someone who was so self-loathing that his anger was always taken out on me. He was my total opposite and my chance to learn to vibrate either for or against my own true happiness. I had no choice: I HAD to see that side of me or I would never be whole and face the truth of my existence!

After 2008, I ran as fast as I could from this relationship but I ended up attracting men constantly who wanted to control me! I was still continuing the pattern and I had to discover why. And this Soul Mate remained in my life for another 2 years! It was the most difficult in Miami and the year afterward because I was separated from this hateful boyfriend, but still unable to give up the acts of separation that became habits in my life with him (alcohol and drugs). And he refused to let me go, which turned into an obsession to control me. This lesson taught me to fight for my independence but also to find another way out--to vibrate differently. By this time, I was further separated from my two youngest children who have been forbidden to contact me for 4 years. This was the ex's ultimate hate, but it is going to be no match to the power of Unconditional Love!

I had an awakening. I started studying the works of Thich Nhat Hanh. Then I couldn't get enough! I couldn't stop learning, reading, understanding how the Universe works! I took a job in Miami with a metaphysical store and began classwork on the different methods of meditation and focusing on the Collective Consciousness. I also read amazing works from great teachers that changed my life (Dr. John DeMartini, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Carolyn Myss and the masters the Dalai Lama, Yogananda and Kahlil Gilbran, all changed my thinking!). I learned quickly about manifestation and focusing one's vibration, changing one's energy in order to attract greater outcomes on one's path. And it began to work! I was shown how to run a youth program for Indigo children. I was given the plans for structuring a society that is self-sustaining in Unconditional Love. And this was just the beginning!

After the death of my ex-boyfriend in 2011, I realized that there is a definite chasm between Conditional and Unconditional love. I felt the pain of loss but the relief of freedom. I will always love him because I AM made from love. But in the end taking his own life showed me he could never love me back in the same way. Shortly after his death, I also found myself in a similar relationship for another year before discovering that my love could be tested once more! And that is when I realized that I could only love Unconditionally and would always do so...I have nothing but love for those that have been Soul Mates to me in this life! He left angry and bitter, but that is because his love for me was starkly Conditional--in fact so obviously so that it was the most difficult to leave. He was so lost, I felt so much love and compassion for him, especially after his mother's death last year. But this too showed me how incapable the World can be to Unconditional Love! He has taken a stance of anger and remorse, denial and hatred instead of Unconditional Love. BUT remember that time after my divorce that I felt so much betrayal? This is where he is, and you know what? I don't blame him--in fact, I embrace him and feel for his loss and pain, which makes me all the more grateful for being able to Unconditionally Love him and his family! Not everyone understands my love for the world, but it doesn't mean I don't love them. I always will love Unconditionally now that I see from a different lens.

So this leads to my next story, which will be how I opened up to Unconditional Love and how I find it to engage me in processing through ALL the pain, from this lifetime and way back into many others, and transform it into pure energy through connection with the Divine. As my engineering daughter Virginia would say: Unconditional Love = Connection with the Source of All Energy! Or as I have read in the very Bible subscribed by the faith to once I subscribed: "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." (Proverbs 10:12). Quoting from Kalhil Gilbran from his work, The Prophet, Love is truly an experience:

"Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; For love is sufficient unto love. When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips."

Therefore, I have embraced and found my Center in Unconditional Love. This cannot be taken from me, nor can it be reversed. Suddenly we find ourselves passing a threshold...there comes a point when the practice of Unconditional Love covers all and we look at all of humanity through the lens of Pure Love. So suddenly this too is what I am attracting in my life. I am excited to share it with all of you!