Facing the Crone of Wisdom: The Choice to Journey Into Darkness

”Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” – Marie Curie

”Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.” – Paulo Coelho

”People living deeply have no fear of death.” – Anais Nin

Middle Age and the Realization of Mortality

I am writing this piece because I am personally experiencing the great challenges often faced by women my age and in my position: the great loss of motherhood through menopause and the drive to seek out Wisdom and leave behind a Legacy. These experiences are all connected. This is also true for both men and women, specifically in our society and time in history for individuals over 40 years of age. As we get older and face our own mortality, we seek answers to inevitable questions involving the underlying feeling of urgency that we must “accomplish” something in our lifetime. Many of us have already sought to do something that will be worthy of remembrance, myself included. And as we find our answers, we reveal more questions. Why are we so inclined to be enlightened? Were we created this way? How does the mind suddenly open to the concepts of mortality and spirituality? And why do we seek wisdom?

Our country is specifically, still predominantly and historically influenced by Christianity, but we have acknowledged and accepted our roots in Native American cultures and the shamanic spirituality that planted its roots here long before the Christians arrived. And we have assimilated our brothers and sisters of all major religions who have arrived at our shores and passed their wisdoms down for generations. With this understanding and with my personal journey as an anthropologist and connoisseur of world religions and wisdom texts, I am prone more than others to self-analyze and actualize a study of what I am experiencing and how it relates to others on my journey, both in this life and in all of human history. I suppose this is my legacy. Besides my roles as a mother, teacher, friend, healer and leader, I also seek to be remembered for my ability to transform these concepts and ideologies into written words. It’s like the play within a play—I thrive off the knowledge that this story has been told for thousands of years in different forms and manifests through me to join in community with those that have sought wisdom in its many forms before me. I feel comforted by the transformation.

The Confrontation of the Ego: The Crone Archetype and Internal Transformation

One of the greatest, most frightening fairy tales in human history is the birthplace of all evil witch stories: the tale of Baba Yaga, the Crone of Russian mythology. It may be a particular bias of mine, but if you take apart the roots of the tale, the origins of which descend from many different chrone stories, they all contain the same concepts. Baba Yaga was described as an ancient woman, goddess of the Underworld, with silver and black hair wild and overgrown, pale and green skin, often described as large in body and stature with skinny legs, a long hooked nose, burning eyes and the stench of death permeating from her mouth full of rotten teeth. She flies home in a mortar and pestle with her birch broom at her side. She has three horseman who serve her, the White Horseman (day), the Red Horseman (sun), and the Black Horseman (night), all of whom ride in and out of her yard. Her home is deep in the dark forest. Her house spins on chicken legs. And her yard is outlined by a fence of human bones with the skulls atop that light at night with the fire of judgment. Baba Yaga is scary. She threatens to eat those who confront her if they do not face the tasks she assigns. But is it fear of life that causes heroes and heroines to accomplish these impossible feats? In every tale she appears, the protagonist acts out a conundrum, but do we interpret this as being afraid of the Goddess or an act of courage? Ask yourself, do you live your life in fear of eternal punishment or do we seek to make a better world for a more noble higher purpose?

Baba Yaga means and represents “Old Crone.” There are similar characters throughout world mythologies that have the same appearances and traits. The representation of the Female in different cultures is represented by Youth (the Maiden), Motherhood (the Mother) and Menopause (the Crone). In all myths, the Crone represents the Underworld, not the life after death concept of hell, but the internal journey. Facing the Crone means going deep into the Abyss of the Darkness. And each world myth represents facing the Ancient, the Evil, the fear of Death: it becomes the confrontation of our own mortality but wakes us up to reality. Why would we attempt a feat that cannot be done unless we are truly powerful enough to accomplish it? That is like asking a cancer patient why they want to live—thus those who read what I write must know one thing: unless you have faced the Goddess of Transformation, you may not have a clue to that which I am referring.

Is Baba Yaga not frightening enough? Let’s go back even further, to one of the first of the Ancient Goddesses. In the earliest recordings of mythology, the Vedic/Hindu tradition, there is the goddess Kali, whose name translates as "black", or "death", and represents empowerment, or Shakti. Kali is the consort but also the conqueror of Lord Shiva, the judge of the world that leads those into the Underworld. In many representations, she is standing over him, atop his chest. She represents facing the fear of life after death, a judge of hearts much like Anubis in the Ancient Egyptian pantheon, in order to gain wisdom. She is depicted as black or dark blue in color, a warrior with a scythe and a necklace of human or demon heads around her neck. But she does not represent our physical Death per se, but Transformation. Her image is depicted as mostly naked and wild and powerful. She is the Universal Darkness. She is shown as the incarnation of Durga after battle that faces that part within us of defeating those demons we hold so close to our hearts. We misunderstand facing our fear as loss of life, but it is really loss of the body, transformation of the Ego. We are removing the obstacle of human frailty. We become a source of wisdom once we face these demons. But the Ego battle comes with a price and left behind is bloodshed.

Other goddesses of wisdom include Athena (Roman), Sophia (Gnostic), Inanna (Greek), Isis (Egyptian), Ishtar (Sumerian) and Lilith (Assyrian). They vary in aspects, cover many thousands of years of human mythology, but all show us the transformation of the female from the Mother to the Crone through battle or judgment. It is interesting that, in general, we see war as an act of the masculine, but it is very clear that the Chrone is the warrior version of the feminine. I am not implying that men do not have demons to slay that often end up in death and destruction, but this is again not a physical death, but a spiritual one. And for humanity to evolve, many must seek this transformation in their own feminine psyche, no matter what gender we were born to in this Universe.

I am also not implying that everyone has the privilege of facing the Crone. A major part of our society does not acknowledge the death of the Ego. In fact, the opposite of wisdom is narcissism, and this leads to a sickness that permeates our culture: the ideology that we are the “savior” of our own little world. This leads to controlling of others, prejudice, class differences, religious hatred and the idea of superiority, and eventually to the justification of the mob mentality of righteous killing so highly praised in concepts such as government, military, corporate monopolies and in the conquest of power. Do we believe our God allows us to kill in His name? (Yes, this is a direct shot at the major world religions who see god as masculine, superior and justify nationalism and sovereignty as permission to destroy other human beings). The concept of the Crone Goddess is in direct conflict with these beliefs. Yet she does not “claim” to be God or superior or any such thing. In fact, she is not even a God but an archetype. The Vedics knew this. Now we can face her together as a part of all that is within us if you are ready.

Gaining Wisdom Through Power: The Antithesis of Transformation and the Preservation of the Ego

Can you still seek Wisdom after war? Yes but not in the way we think traditionally. The story of Solomon in Judaic culture has its roots in the concept that he was a warrior in battle but he sought Wisdom. Interesting, in the Occult, there is a school of thought that Solomon actually created a system of communicating with archangels and suppressing demons through the use of sigils, or drawings that are used to hold the power of these entities. (These writings are known as the Greater Keys and Lesser Keys of Solomon). Is power therefore the ultimate goal? Did Solomon allow these texts to be spread throughout his Kingdom? Or wasn’t this a secret societal knowledge that was reserved for the elite? There is also a legend that these texts were sought by and protected by the Knight’s Templar during the Holy Wars. Throughout history, known by legend, many leaders were thought to have secretly used these “keys” as a way to gain power and access control over nations, including Hitler, who was known to be obsessed with the Occult. But this type of knowledge, though fascinating, misses the point that gaining Wisdom is not accomplished by seeking power over others, but seeking power over our Egos, finding transformation within. So the antithesis of what Solomon sought was the manifestation of a system of belief that uses the control of powerful energies. While many seek to gain power, the balance of these earthly and temporary conditions cannot be taken with us. All true power in our world goes to the grave with the seeker. And the result is death just the same.

Let’s connect the dots. So, in mythologies, Wisdom stories, spread throughout the nations for many centuries, facing the Goddess (or Crone archetype) of Transformation leads to death of Ego and revelation of Wisdom. Yet taking the Wisdom of Solomon using the “keys” to unlock the control over powerful outside forces (one can equate and physically manifest the “power” behind archangel positive and demonic negative energies according to this ideology), develops a hierarchy of superiority and control over our external, worldly and temporary environments. Thus we feed the Ego rather than deconstruct it. This is one example of many that interprets "Wisdom" and "Power" together.

Other such constructs of control that also replace true Wisdom with the power of Ego, such as the tenets of national governments and religious institutions, seeking to aggrandize the powerful. Many within our societies use texts (laws, books, etc.) to gain power or seek a position within these institutions to be venerated. We manifest our gods and fuel our systems of belief so highly in these large-scale communities. We teach them to our children and promote them as “good.” We gather in churches and synagogues and mosques weekly or sometimes daily to teach and manifest what we believe in our knowledge is "right". And we celebrate our national sovereignties through Holidays and Religious practices in order to feel a part of the greater community and call it a blessing. Yet what do we actually get out of our worship of our external gods or governments? Ask yourself. Aren't these just bodies of humankind in positions of leadership? Why do we give such credence to the words spoken on the pulpit or in the congressional seat or on stage? Are they better than us since they have sought the "wisdom of power"? Are we worshipping a deity or a person? And isn't it true that we are riddled with a society that is filled with God-like complexes?

Immortality: Manifestation of Legend and the Confrontation of Death

Now we have a third confrontation of Ego to explore: The physical manifestation of anti-aging through Science. There is a billion dollar international pharmaceutical industry devoted to preventing death and anti-aging. We have medical practices that can “fight” disease, cancer, heart failure and degeneration. We have a billion dollar beauty industry that “fights” against wrinkles and grey hair and sagging skin. We invest billions in exercise and diet to “fight” aging and cellular death. Yet is it out of the fear of dying? Or can we attribute all of these transformations of sorts to an innate human experience of the desire to live forever and allow the Ego to thrive? Is the prolonging of life a necessity to permit us to remain here as long as we can? Is this a salvation for us, to be younger, stronger, more physically capable? We see television exploit the “transformation” of the human form constantly in the celebration of makeovers to worldly standards of beauty and admiration. This is not new…the Greek gods and goddesses were depicted as immortally youthful and superiorly strong. We see immortality as venerated in Sampson’s hair and the resurrections of Achilles and Osiris, all three whom are depicted as superior in looks and strength.

All of these ideologies explored to this point in the pursuit of seeking Wisdom play off the idea that Wisdom and Immortality are connected. Don’t we all seek an immortal legend in some way, shape or form? Some within humanity use the simple act of procreation to pass down their legend—does it ever occur to us why so many who are uneducated, poor or who aren’t interested in anything but their own lives are so excellent at procreating and having many children? Aren’t we subjected to beliefs that connect childbearing with worthiness? And why is it that those of us who seek a higher knowledge, greater purpose or have more abundance are often less likely to reproduce? I am stating this internationally as an average, not as a cultural flaw but rather as an observation. For instance, the average rate of children per family is highest in Niger, Yemen, Uganda, Malawi and Afghanistan, all having an average of 7 children per household (all agriculturally-based, religious-driven and have low life expectancies--this is easily corraborated on Google). While countries that have an average of less than 2 children per household include Australia, Greece, Hungary, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg and many countries in Eastern Europe. What causes these trends? Is it survival and culture? Do we thus put our energies into our prodigies for the purpose of passing on our genes or our Egos? Moreover, what drives our obsession to seek immortality through procreation?

In our American culture, men are prone to believe they must pass down their legacy through their children. Women are told as they get older that their “clock is ticking” and they must find a suitable partner to procreate. Religions tell us to find a mate and settle down and procreate. Science has invented such techniques to meet these demands as chemical hormone balancing (birth control and fertility drugs), in vitro fertilization and other such ways to give us the bundle of joy a person so longs to have. Because of the high rate of divorce, we have an entire empire of Family Law that capitalizes on the battle to gain custody over a child, making lawyers and judges rich in the process of sorting out the pain of Ego-driven parenting. Fathers live vicariously through their children’s achievements; mothers feel obligated to create an atmosphere of home that is often driven by rivalry of others in their immediate society or community. “Look at how amazing my child is.” “Here’s what my child has done.” “They are a chip off the old block.” Aren’t these the sentiments of legacy that feed our Egos of immortality?

Facing Our Own Transformation, Mortality and Death of the Ego

I am blessed. I have experienced a lot of the aforementioned experiences of seeking Wisdom and Transformation. I have been blessed with the genetic and biological passing of myself by giving birth to three lovely and brilliant children, for whom I write these blogs. I am currently (and therefore until death by my own vow) partnered with an amazing husband with whom I am helping to raise his biological daughter as well. So I have achieved “legacy” in this way. I have been born of some privilege, understanding the positions of “superiority” both by being born in a somewhat affluent area of society, as a Caucasian woman who was raised as a Christian. I have experienced the instruction to gain higher education, attended three great colleges, and I am in the midst of continuing my higher education as a doctor and healer. I have been privileged to see many additional cultures, having traveled to seek what additional experiences I could encounter. I have been taught by so many wonderful teachers and cannot get enough knowledge—I love TED talks and spiritual literature and meetup groups with likeminded friends. I thrive from intellectual conversation. And I have found a great connection with modern science, technology and nutrition to prolong my life and brain and appearance through the blessings of these gifts of the industries of immortality. I won’t lie—I love it that my physical and mental selves has benefited from these international passions and personal pleasures.

Yet is time for me to face the Crone. I realized that now more than ever, as my entire world has been blessed with the gifts of Ego, I am ready to face my fears and manifest my journey to the Underworld to seek the Baba Yaga/Kali. I am flawed. I have demons. I have emotional walls and irrational fears and regrets and jealousies and a mountain of other skeletons in my closet that I have carefully ascended like a pile of corpses. This may sound gruesome, but it is reality. For every person of wisdom and fame we emulate, there are human secrets within us all we must chop off at the head. The gift of wisdom is this: do we choose to face these demons and wear their heads around our neck or on our fence posts or do we continue to live in fear and feed our Egos? Do we seek prestige, power, fame, acknowledgement, and praise? Or do we seek answers? Once I face these demons and slay my own Jaberwocky, I will relay to you how my journey into the Underworld is progressing.

It is time to end my suffering and live as I was meant to do as a Crone of Higher Wisdom, not to seek power, but rather to create Love. As I descend into the darkness, I feel I am truly going home. Don't take my word for it. Don't venerate my journey, seek your own. Go to the place where Kali awaits. Join me when you are ready.

“Om aim hrim klim camundayai vicche svaha."

The Phoenix Arises - The Dragon Emerges

There is such a powerful connection to the New Year. It is a great tradition celebrated by everyone on the planet. We have such a blessing being able to see celebrations all over the planet. Fireworks spread from Sydney to Moscow to Beijing to Rio de Janeiro. The New Year brings longer days. The New Year brings love and joy and kisses and reunions and death and transformation and awakenings. Life is full of hopes and promises and sunrises, all because of the New Year.

The Phoenix arises. There is a great comfort that the Earth we live on has seasons. It is such a comfort to have snow on the ground that is filled with sleeping seeds. It is rising from the ashes of burned fall leaves fertilizing the cold earth. The chrysalis that is formed around the wounded is hardening but the soft wings of redemption and renewal are forming their bright colors. There is a reason why the hearts and minds of humanity mimic nature. We all experience transformation in order to learn. But what we choose to do with that revelation is up to us.

In the year 2013, there were so many strange events that happened and so many unusual world events. This was the warmest year globally in recorded human history. We had more tragedies and continued war in the Middle East and Syria. The U.S. Government shut down, but it is still not fixed. Another super typhoon devastation hit, this time in the Philippines. Human stem cells were finally successfully cloned. We lost Margaret Thatcher and Nelson Mandela. Pope Benedict XVI resigned. And we experienced a great tragedy with the Boston Marathon bombing. We now have drones killing people in retaliation for suicide bombings. We have extremist groups (mainly Muslim) attacking large-scale bombings and assaults, like the one at the Kenyan mall and the many bombings in Nigeria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Pakistan and Dagestan. There was an 8.0 earthquake off the coast of the Solomon Islands. Lance Armstrong admitted to “doping” and lost his titles. Same-sex marriage was legalized in the U.K. Estonia is the first country to implement nationwide electric car outlets. A 2 year old girl in the U.S. is the first ever to be actually cured of AIDS. France passes same-sex marriage. North Korea declares war with South Korea. Brazil passes same-sex marriage, while Russia makes it illegal for same-sex couples to adopt Russian children. Croatia becomes the 26th state in the E.U. Detroit, Michigan files for bankruptcy. The Organisation for the Prohibition of Chemical Weapons wins the Nobel Peace Prize. A 7.7 earthquake devastates Pakistan. We end up having another school shooting here in Colorado—the shooter killed both a senior in high school and himself. But in spite of the state of the World being in complete chaos, the Dow and S&P both hit record highs. If we were to go only based on the state of World affairs, we would all be doomed. But I also truly see a pattern in the increase of awareness and enlightenment.

We celebrated the March Against Monsanto this year. We woke up our own nation to marital equality. We are finally addressing medical insurance and care, even though our first round of Obamacare V. the Insurance Racket is still up for grabs and not even closely settled. Facebook still is number one in Social Media and has become the greatest experiment in social anarchy of all times. Giant corporations keep getting stronger, we keep feeding into the system of Materialism, but banks are no longer getting any bailouts (save for the country of Cyprus). Winter still came and is freezing the Northern Hemisphere. But life still goes on.
Now is the time to hibernate. Now is the time to reflect and write. Now is the time to light the hearth fires warming the hearts of the lost and downtrodden. Now is the time to go within and start another year of awakening souls to the spreading awareness and renewal of Spirit.

New Year Resolutions—Creating the Fire of Passion

For 2014, I am dedicated to spread the message of Awakening. I want to open the network of high-minded people so we can reconstruct the norms--the popular, shallow lifestyle of convenience, processed foods, hiding behind computer screens, plastic money, instant gratification and a la carte religion; we need to find a way to open a new forum. The past seems so far away with the lightning speed of internet modernity. The traditional ways of keeping our heads in the sand while Big Corporate America tells us how to think are also over. So we have no choice but to find a new paradigm. For me personally, this reflects in how I run my life, relate to my family, and deal with both the past and the future—our job is to stir the pot. My first intention in 2014 is to get real. Honesty and spiritual reflection. It’s worth the effort. Try it.

I am living exactly the life I expected to live. I still have unfinished business. Yet in this time of renewal, those tasks I must finish are also the very things I strive to accomplish because they are a part of my quest. It has taken longer than I expected to fulfill my visions and manifest my values. I have had a list of accomplishments to complete. Here are the ones I know I am committed to complete this year and beyond:

1. Finish all my classes to complete my Doctorate. So, according to the plan, I have 2 Organic Chem classes, 2 Physics classes and Anatomy and Physiology. In order to do so, I also have to finish the reviews of Biology and Chemistry. So I have my work cut out for me. Especially at 45. But anything is possible. And I am forever the believer in the possible.
2. Attend my daughter Jacquelyn’s high school graduation. My hope is to first take my kids on one last vacation to Florida to see my son Christopher, THEN we watch Jacqui graduate, THEN we celebrate our new life together…my children will ALL be adults! Jacqui turns 18 in August!

3. This leads to the next task: To finish my memoirs about my life in the last 14 years. I left my children at age 30 so I could live after surviving a terrible marriage and abusive prison. I endured losing my identity because there was a need for power and control from my partner. The last three years of marriage sent me into a deep depression. Either I left and regained who I was or stayed and lost everything…so I left. And now, after a decade and a half, I have come full circle, reunited with my children, found my true love and created the life I manifested. I allowed my pain to transform. I gave myself permission to let go. And now I can share this with everyone I love.

4. Complete the screenplay I started in 2013. I know it is worth it. I also know how valuable it will be when completed. I look forward to the day I see it produced!

5. Spread the word about Mannatech. I work for a company that has found a scientific way to tap into the body’s natural renewal systems. I personally know what it can do, how it helps people get their lives back, and how it will lead Mark and I into the new phase of our life. I have committed to those I have been teaching. I am committed to find those who want to lead. Everyone wins. It’s a blessing to be able to bring nutrition and health to so many, and in the process, work for a company that offers nutrition to thousands of starving children. One day we will see millions fed by what we are doing. This is my motivation—to help my family and the future of our world. I love my job!

6. I will be a rock and a strong leader for our family. I have always been blessed to see a light at the end of every tunnel. It will be a year of change. I will continue to support and love our daughter Virginia, who is in college and needs our strength and health knowledge. I will continue to grow our relationships with our daughter Jacquelyn and support our son Christopher, who is in the Navy. And I will spend time visiting and connecting with our combined family. This year, I will be making our home, finding a place to grow our hearts, our garden and our friendships. I will solidify our beliefs and finding our spiritual center.

7. I am working an amazing part-time job that I love dearly. I love working at a doll store, making young girls so happy. But I know that the only way to true joy for me is to turn my work and trade into a more meaningful pursuit. Yes, it is fun to work at a place of such joy. But it is even better to create ways to heal people. All my work will be aligned accordingly.

8. I will tend my first full-NON-GMO garden. This is a lot of work. But it is worth the effort. My intention is to create a unified place for anyone to share in a truly community-based process. There will be other great intentional projects to do as well: making tinctures, processing our own sauces, brewing our own mead, and making community meals.

9. It’s time to travel again! Next plan, this summer, I am taking my children to Orlando to see Universal Studios and visit the Harry Potter Kingdom. It’s a destination for my family. I raised them all on Harry Potter. It will be a momentous reunion!! This is also the first reunion of my children and I since our last vacation to Miami in 2007. The summer of 2007 was the last time we were all together and the time I missed being with them was horrific for me. Christopher moved back to his father’s that school year and I was kept from seeing him for 5 years. It was traumatic, but as I stated, because the marriage and family system were based on my ex’s feelings and mine were always disregarded, it was typical. I am sad I lost all that time with my children. But now, it is more important that I let them know who I am and how strong I have become. This reunion will be the way to show that to them even more.

10. Every good New Year’s resolution would not be complete without a commitment to go to the gym. Since last year I attended a gym I wasn’t thrilled to attend—and I couldn’t get there regularly—I am searching for a place that is more like me. I love dancing! I have taken to Rumba classes and would also love ballet again. Looking into Denver’s possibilities. Next year, I can attend more through the University.

11. I have always fluctuated in my spirituality, but it has remained strong. My goal this year is to be more consistent in learning what my heart longs to find. I am seeking a balanced life that allows me to live unconditionally. I am limited. I am human. I have pursued a life of giving. This path was set for me long ago. And in my transformation, I have stayed strong in loving others as I love myself. I have been given the blessing of understanding that wisdom. I know there are many who cannot accept that part of me—I cannot love those who choose hate, jealousy, narcissism. There is nothing I can do to change their paths. But I can still be true to my own nature.

12. The greatest gift I can give to myself this year, and to those who know me and may even read what I write, is the gift of allowance. I allow myself permission to complete the tasks set out before me. I allow myself the blessing of a healthy body, a sound mind, an amazing family and a strong marriage. I allow myself to be true to my nature, intellectually and emotionally. I allow my life to flourish. I am not competing with anyone else. I am not succumbing to having to have “stuff” I don’t need. I don’t need to be anyone else. I am so grateful for this revelation. And to my friends, family and those who can’t see beyond their own images or perceptions of me, I promise I am going to continue to love, to teach, to parent, to learn, to pursue, to be a great wife and mother, to be a passionate leader, and to stand up for those who need a voice. It will be another wonderful year of getting to know what the Universe has in store for each and every one of us!

Wishing everyone an amazing New Year! Blessings to you all!