Chapter 3: Love is a Many Splendored Thing

So far I have covered ideas that we have choices in what we believe. We can be free from the concepts that there are ultimate “good” and “bad” choices. We know this because they cause a positive or negative emotion, which are illusions. And we know that not all “right” and “wrong” precepts are right or wrong. And finally, I gave you the “keyblade” to reconciling these ideologies: gratefulness. Now, we have our weapon, we have some of our basic treasure, we have deconstructed the first Dreamworld (our country, religion, and beliefs), so now we can start our journey into our first series of adventures to fight the “Heartless”.

All You Need Is Love

Let’s talk about “Love”!! It’s my favorite subject. Let’s break it down into further categories. The Greeks actually have several words we use today for “love”—

• agape (gratefulness) love of blessings, surroundings, food and other objects, community.
• philia (friendship) love of children, love of virtue; can also be love of dating and relationships, what we call romance.
• storge (affection) love by parents and siblings and children.
• thelema (love to do something) love which refers to loving what we encounter in our path, like a sport or a career choice or a creative expression.
• eros (spirit) love of one’s soulmate, true love, divine love

These words can all be used in our modern context. For example, I love my life! I love my friends, my church/synagogue/coven/community, I love great food, a good glass of wine, chocolate and sushi, etc. These are all examples of agape. I love to be cuddled and held (like in Shel Silverstein’s poem above, Hug O’ War.) I love being with my family. I love my darling children and how they have inspired my life. They are examples of storge and also philia. Of course, I love my job and my acting (thelema), I love my partner and my friends and adore them (philia), and I love myself, which can be categorized by many of the above love-names. But through my self-actualization and discovery, I have truly come to love my soul and the Universal conscience that is within me and everyone around me (eros).

We can separate words in the English language that most identify feelings associated with “love”. And thus we can create a plethora of understanding and emotional effects. I am going to break down some of them so we can see that “love” in these definitions is not centered:

• Attraction—the recognition of an energy from one person to another based on a physical or chemical reaction; the energy can be one-sided or two-sided; opposites: unaware, detraction.
• Affection—need to express or receive physical or emotional contact, opposite: isolation.
• Attention—the giving of one’s time and space to another, opposite: avoidance
• Obsession—the idea that one is imbalanced and fascinated with another; opposites: rejection, mutual attraction.
• Infatuation—the imbalanced attraction of one person to another without the other person’s return affections or attraction; opposites: equals, lovers, mates.
• Romance—the creation of an ideal construct within which to give and receive worldly sensual stimulations—tastes, touches, smells, sounds, visions, places and times; opposite: apathy, inattentiveness.
• Desire—the willingness to long after another and focus attention with one’s mind on having that person or event or experience, in any realm; opposite: loathing.
• Friendship—the sharing of one’s being with another through a connection of affirmations and likes; the deeper the friendship, the more accepting of the other’s dislikes and accepting another for themselves; opposites—enemies, strangers.
• Relative—being born into a system of family that through a blood or marriage contract, another human is connected to us; opposite: non-relative.
• Partner, boyfriend-girlfriend, mate—affectionate endearment regarding the commitment or connection with another human being, elemental belief of equality or ownership that states that neither partner can find emotional fulfillment with anyone outside the relationship; opposite: platonic relationship.
• Commitment—a generic term involving the verbal or written contractual agreement that creates a bond between two people (usually, but can encompass polygamous and polyamorous contracts as well); the ability to agree mutually to uphold promises that usually involve fidelity, emotional stability and often material wealth sharing (home, car, food, etc); opposites: break-up, open relationship, non-commitment.
• Marriage—a contract between two people, usually in writing and in verbal agreement, that is recognized by the government that oversees the living arrangements between these people as a binding and unbreakable agreement. It is and was designed to combine and quantify property of and between the two parties, including possessions, land, and children; opposite: living together, co-habitating, any of the non-contractual definitions above.
• Bond—in love, a bond is the spiritual, emotional or physical connection between two people. Marriage and contractual commitments do not require this. But true love (eros) does. In Chemistry, a bond is the electrically charged connection between two atoms; in love it is the same; opposite: repulsion, or solitary/singular; not connected.
• Altruism—the idea that both partners, mates, or connected persons are equally giving to each other; mutual gratefulness based on true and balanced love (eros); opposite: one-sided giving, taking, selfishness.
• Sacrifice—Giving of one’s self completely for the purpose of saving, helping or uplifting another or others; often one-sided, considered a highly honorable trait, and self-motivated—can be self-righteous or self-loathing in nature: opposites: rescued, receiving, taking and selfishness.
• True Love—the ideal connection of love between two people, a person and the Divine, or the combination of the three. This is the balance of centeredness in a relationship which is altruistic, mutually sacrificial, bonded, committed and permanent.

Adventure and Intrigue: The World of Love

Let’s explore this world we call Love. It has many paths, rooms, caves, hiding places, doors, treasures, weapons and healing potions. It can also be a difficult world to navigate, being filled with “heartless” or “emotional vampires” to conquer. I want to take the world apart and fill its rooms with the different types of “loves” and find out how you really feel about them. This is going to be exciting! (Experiencing my own elicited emotion as I write this).

If you had a map what would it look like to you? If you examined the last chapter (war, murder, killing, martyrs, rebels, and vigilantes), it would look rather dark and twisted, I suppose. Like Halloween represents the faces of the ugly and evil to ward off the dead. But you would think this map would be pretty, or fluffy, or fancy, or covered with Valentine’s. Or would it? What kinds of treasures will you uncover to find out about love?

When I think of love, I think of romance (agape). This is synonymous for me. It is your most elemental and natural form of love—the “ouside” layer, so to speak. But this is also the way my mind sees the world around me. I am a sensually heightened person. Therefore my physical experiences are akin to my memories. Most humans have this trait but some of us are more in tune with it consciously. So my romantic thoughts put positive or sensually feel-good memories onto the everyday world around me.

We are going to focus on the love factors we have outside us—agape, philia, storge and thelema. For instance, I love sunshine. I am a beach girl, so I love sand and surf and waves and the sound of the ocean as it comes in and washes my feet. I love the feeling of the sun on my skin. I love the colors of the water and the sky where they meet. I love sunrises and sunsets and find them fully empowering to my “warm fuzzy” feelings of self and being alive. I love the tastes of foods that remind me of the beach, such as fresh ocean fish and oysters and mollusks, so I am reminded of my beach experiences when I eat these foods. I love the tastes of tropical fruits which also illicit a positive and romantic feeling within me. And I love walking in the water on the beach, especially at sunset or at night, so I attach memories of holding hands with the ones I love to this as well. (All of these are examples of agape love and some can be like thelema, since we are doing something we love).

My children and I lived near the ocean for several years together. I have a very passionate and protective love for them (storge). And while I was living on an island in south Georgia, I went through a very emotionally damaging and difficult divorce. The children, of course, suffered greatly at the misappropriation of anger from their father because I chose to leave, so I suffered by not being able to see them, as did they as well. The strong feelings associated with loss were also very much a part of my beach memories, so I had to remedy the situation. So for several years now, I have driven through where we lived and taken my kids to the places where we used to play on the island. We hang out with my closest friends (philia), go ghost crab hunting (thelema), and eat at our favorite local restaurants (agape—the love of food). We play at the local park and I visit the theatre company where I once performed. It has always been a pleasure going “home” with them and making new memories.

I spend a lot of my free time and vacations with the kids visiting the ocean (mostly in Florida, but up the Atlantic coast). I have enjoyed the reconnection with the earth’s most inviting and comforting commodity. I truly feel a connection when I am at sea level; I feel alive! This is a gift I am grateful for and so the map of my experiences within the world of Love at this level (agape) are solidified for me as warm, pleasant memories with sand in my shoes. I fight the memories of the negative (“heartless”) by creating memories to fill the void.

Last year, my oldest daughter was able to spend the summer in Hawaii with her boyfriend and his family. It was a beautiful and memorable trip for her, which led her to have some great, positive memories. She also has a connection with her boyfriend and his family that has been solidified by the experience. I too had a reconnection when I lived in Alicante, Spain in 2004. This was a great way to reconstruct positive and intimate memories of my love of the water; I created a time and space of love and beauty for me. And it also gave me a way to explore what I really wanted to do and be in this world. I learned Spanish, I met a wonderful man who gave me loving memories, and I found my travel bug. So now the ocean to me is a quest. I want to see all the ports and seasides of the world, in every place on this earth, and I want to share it with the ones I love.

Connecting your mind with outside love memories is a wonderful way of making your way through this world with the lens of your brain focused on the nature and creation we have around us.

Finding the Divine Order in the universe by recognizing patterns of ocean tides, jelly fish migrations, hammerhead shark mating seasons, sea turtle egg laying, and so on can give us specifically imprinted memories that tie to emotions that can be transformed into a healing consciousness (the love we call eros). It’s the Natural Divine that allows us to “explore” this world we live in and connect with others who do the same.

Where do you find your blessings lie in your life? What memories can you draw upon to make these “love imprints” upon your soul? Who do you hold hands with or hug or cuddle with or sing silly songs with in the car when traveling? What foods, sounds, smells, events and sights do you remember?

Let’s collect some of these treasures in our bags and move on to do some “heartless” fighting.

Destruction and Rebuilding of Memories into Love

I am currently enjoying reconnecting with my son. Christopher is a great young man. But one of the most difficult things is to share with him these small and simple connections. He is very guarded and as a teenager very shy. I would love to have time to have a complete conversation with him. So I am going to write down what I would say and someday, if he gets past the last two chapters, he will remember the past and know that it is only a part of his life—there’s the future as well! And he will be able to center all of his memories within himself.

I find the most difficult part about being a mother who does not live with two of her children is that I am unable to teach to them daily how much I love them and the world around them loves them. I was blessed to have Jacquelyn live with me last year. We often spent days at a time talking about blessings, purpose, and we used a copy of Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws for Children to give home to the importance of self-actualization and connecting with the Divine and each other. Years of difficulty and life changes made it complicated for her and her sister to coexist, yet it was a difficulty we were working through. In a series of unfortunate events (or fortunate if you see the outcome), she has returned to live with her dad. So this too will be for her ☺.

I use the “keyblade” of gratefulness to fight the memories that were traumatic and dark and emotionally charged (“heartless”). Those memories, just like pleasant happy memories, serve their purpose. THIS is what gives us definition. Suffering is a part of life. We all have our “burdens” and “challenges” to carry. So what if we are able to create our own paths and maps and we focus on our own dreams?

Well, that is possible. In understanding yourself and allowing your dreams to be centered and focused, you can do anything you strongly desire. Desire is created by your connection with the Divine—seeing God (the Universal connection) throughout everything that is in your world. It’s like turning on the lights and realizing you had been walking around in the dark. And it can be created to connect with your environment, the people around you, and the soul within.

Let’s start with connecting with the outside connection to our world. Here’s what you do: First, get out your notebook (you can use the same one from before) and write down everything. It will give you an “outside memory” that is focused. The brain is so complex, it is often hard to remember memories that are hidden away. So writing them down (giving them space and time) is essential for recalling them again when you need them. Give yourself a lot of time and privacy if you can so you can write. If it is helpful, go to a park or a place that is away from others. This will add to the experience of being alone with yourself.

Making the Love List

Make a list of things you have done. Even list those things you want and are about to do. Go back to when you were small and had your first memories of sports, dancing, gymnastics, acting, singing, camping, Scouts or Girls/Boys Club, church choir, whatever it was that you were able to do. Then use your grateful-sword to say thanks for each one. This will build your “foundation,” creating your own Dreamworld. Write down another list of things you truly want to do. This second list, make sure you put down realistic and short-term goals as well as life-long goals. Like I want to pass Spanish class and I want to spend Christmas with my mom (hint, hint). Or I want to find a person I can apprentice with to teach me what I want to do and be. And I want to set my goal by this date and time.

These are your tasks. And you will write these lists over and over again in your life. They are also great memories. So anything you accomplished or experienced that you can attach a love emotion to, write down how grateful you are. Use this time as well to write down how you “feel” about each accomplishment—whether it was something you did you don’t ever want to do again, or something that makes you excited to do another task. Or maybe it’s something you are good at doing and want to keep doing more and more or make a life out of doing, such as your sport or your art or your studying.

Finally, make a third list of all the things that you like. People that want to date put down those things they like about themselves and other people. Sites like Myspace and Facebook both have these kinds of “lists” for you to fill in—you can use your existing lists and expand upon them. Do you like sushi as much as I do? Your favorite pizza, your favorite sandwich, your favorite toy when you were younger, your favorite vacation, your favorite books or TV shows, your favorite friends…anything.

Now you have a treasure box of all those senses around you that are positive in nature. You have created a love list. These will be helpful as you go through further emotions. And at the end, go through and say you are so grateful for all of these blessings.

We are going to explore the other kinds of “love” and how they have their opposites as well. This will give us more emotions to play with and “reconcile” with our “keyblade.”

Love and Hate: Polarized Emotions—Finding the Center

We are taught that “love” and “hate” are opposite emotions. They are not. True Love is in the center of the Universe in your mind, body and soul, and the emotions that are not true are at the opposite ends of what we saw as “good” and “bad”. We see that sometimes we want to work on a Positive Mental Attitude. We are told sometimes by parents that we need to “clean up our attitude” or “stop being so mean.” Now, unfortunately, often the people we love also look at sadness and loneliness as “negative” emotions, as they are so, but they don’t want you to feel those either. You need to be able to feel all your emotions—anger, rage, hate, sadness, jealousy, frustration, and hurt are all emotions that are from fear, but they are just off-centered. Happiness, joy, infatuation, affection, accomplished, and healing are all emotions that are from love in the sense that it is agape or philia or storge or thelema. The closer you are to gratefulness for them the closer all your emotions come into center, or eros—the Love connection with the Creator of your love and life and light.

It has been shown that brain waves function on a scale as well. The higher the emotion, the higher the brain wave. The lower the emotion the lower the brain wave as well. Interesting, science is now discovering though that more intellectually challenging and centered thoughts are creating longer-lasting, thicker brain connections that actually replace the rapid, fight-or-flight ones. So it’s not a matter of living in a temporary state of fear or happiness that benefits brain development. They are “fleeting” emotions. What is most important for human evolution is compassionate, True Love development.

Memories and dreams (future memories) can have attached brain waves to them. For instance, let’s say you wanted a bicycle. You asked for it for Christmas one year. You begged for it, dreamed about it, even found the one you wanted in a particular store. But you never got that bicycle. So all the future memories were positive until the time came and you were disappointed (negative emotion). So the memory then becomes negative.

Now go back and look at that thing you wanted. (Don’t use the bicycle example unless it was a bicycle—it could have been a snowboard or an X-Box or a Nintendo DS, or in my case a pony). And look at how you feel about it now. Ask yourself some questions: Do you feel sad that you didn’t get that object? Or did you learn that you can earn the money yourself? Or did you see that you didn’t really need it in the first place? Or have you decided you still want that object and you can now look at becoming more open to receiving it? (I truly don’t want a pony anymore!)

Go back through your lists once again. Pick some of your favorite things—experiences you have had, what you want to do, and what are your “favorites” so far—and write them out again. Answer the following questions:

1. Did you get to do that, experience that, the way you wanted to? Were you doing your sport, for instance, or playing your instrument or learning a craft because YOU wanted to do it or someone else gave it to you? Write down who and why you had that experience or were given that object.
2. Was it a positive memory? Do you see it as a helfpul tool? If you had not had that treasure would you still be the same person you are today?
3. Was it a negative memory? Did the experience remind you of someone you have lost? Do you feel sad or happy when you think about it or look at it? Did it cause a fight or a celebration? Did going on that experience take away from someone else’s experience? Or did you not finish your classes because your parents could not afford to pay for any more?
4. Write as many positive and negative emotions you can think of and attach them to each other. Then you say thank you for learning all of those treasures. And now you have “centered” that tool and made it whole. So now if you pick up that tool again (sport, craft, etc), it will be knowing it has both a positive and negative emotional result to it and you can continue it with love.

Awareness is the Key to Centeredness



Greater and Greater Vision: Creating Achievable Desires

When I was a young girl, I wanted to travel all over the world. It has always been my desire to see the many cities I saw in books, on television, and in movies. My heart’s desire is to be able to see these places with those I love most of all. Now, I am one of five children, and my parents, not having the same desires, didn’t see the need to travel as a part of a financial gain in their futures. Few I ever dated saw the need to travel for pleasure either, so I did not travel to anywhere I wanted to travel as a couple. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to travel alone or with my children most often as I had mentioned before.

I want to create my own “agape”. So I plan my own experiences. I want to take a vacation, so I will use this example because every time I travel I gain insight into myself and others. I truly enjoyed the several times I traveled out of the country, so I am desiring to do so soon again as well. So here is how and why I will do so.

First, I know I am worth this trip. I am not going to limit its length because if I am to travel to speak and to network, it may take a longer time than I would normally anticipate. But I know I desire this trip to be a healthy and rejuvenating experience. I am going to visualize this trip as a way to create growth within myself, so I am going to use the seven areas of my life to fulfill this need:

• Spiritual—I want this trip to be to a place that I can be closer to the Divine. I want to be able to spend time with my God and grow closer to the center of myself by this experience. I want to go to places that have been historically spiritual, where other great people have gone or have practiced communicating with the Divine. Therefore, I may choose a spot that is rich in history, both “good” and “bad”, spiritually.
• Mental—I will plan parts of my trip and experience by choosing places I can go to learn more about myself, my world around me, the history of the people in this place, the way they used to live and live today. I will find guides and places to go where I can learn great things about great people.
• Vocational—I will plan to be on this trip to learn more about being an actor, a writer, a director/producer and a speaker to great nations. I will also plan to share this place with my children, whether they can go with me or not, by collecting things to use to teach them about my experiences. These are who I am and what I do, so I will find ways to incorporate those parts of me into the trip. For instance, I may plan to see a theatre show or a ceremony that will let me visualize the characters I am watching as an actor, writer and director. I will also look for people who have similar-minded goals to reach many people to teach and learn how to be centered and I will find out if they need me to teach and learn there as well.
• Financial—I will plan the trip extensively to find out how much I can raise and how much I need to go from place to place. This will even include how much I need to make sure I have the right visas, the right luggage or backpack, the proper clothing, the costs of meals and transportation. I will write it all down and research what it will cost me. There are fantastic guidebooks and websites that have all of these costs in detail as well as places to go and things to see, so I can use guides to plan the trip.
• Familial—Will I be able to travel with someone I love? If so, how much is this going to cost? How much time can they also have for me to go with me—a week or a month or the summer? How many activities can we plan together? Or if I am traveling alone, what do I need to bring to give back to them my experience—a new camera, a cell phone that works overseas, a computer I can bring, or will I just buy phone cards while I am there? Will I need notebooks to record all my experiences for them and myself? And what papers will I need to have my family look after my affairs while I am gone? And if I know the place may contain elements of danger, can I have emergency routines in place—I have heard of many who have been robbed or attacked during vacations and traveling, so I am realistic and aware that my family must be prepared just in case.
• Social—Will I want to spend time alone or with others while I am traveling? How will I safely and effectively meet those like minded to me that will be willing to share their country or city with me? Do I need to make friends before I go? Do I have friends or relatives that live where I am going? How can I create the blessings of teaching and learning while I am there?
• Physical—What will I need to make the most of my experience? If I am traveling on foot or hiking, will I need to work out extensively before I go? Will I need to prepare emergency equipment or buy special clothing for the trip? Will I need to have sunscreen and what can I bring into that country and what can I buy there? Will I need to drink extra water or will the water be drinkable at all? Will it be a good idea to bring water purifiers or food supplements? And is it possible to ship some of my supplies ahead of time to a friend or a hotel or a place where I may be speaking?

So now I will do what I have written about above. I will choose a place to go. I will choose a time I would like to go. I will choose an appropriate arrangement I can and will be able to afford. I will choose a way to pay for it, who will go with me, how much I can bring and what I desire to accomplish while I am there. Then I will start compiling the lists of what I need to do and who I need to contact before and during the trip. I will find out if the place I am going is friendly or hostile to foreign travel and will be prepared for whatever I foresee to be a challenge or issue. And I will visualize the trip in detail. Then I will know I will be going, how and why. I will be grateful for every part of my experience, from the creation of the desire to go to the planning to the challenges and for the experience.


Finding True Desires: Loving Your Self is the Greatest Gift of All

So now I have given you a template on how my experiences and those of others bring about desires. These are the gifts of loving who I am and what I do. In order to grow closer and closer to your Divine self, you must have experiences and times of growth! You can balance the challenges of your life by adding some of these positive ideas to them. But the outcome is the same—the closer you come to your center, the easier it will be every day to make your own life happen.

Take the first step: You are responsible for the world you created. That can be really harsh. Maybe you don’t like your parents. Maybe you feel lonely and like you have very few friends. Maybe you are angry or jealous or hurt because of someone around you. Maybe you don’t believe you are worth it!

But you ARE worth it all because you were created in the image of ALL of creation!! You are divine and perfect as you are, physical ailments and mental challenges and all. You are amazingly beautiful and your Creator loves you unconditionally. Your Divine Soul within you needs to be fed and remember these principles every day.

If you are struggling with something, no matter what it is, find a way to balance it. If you have negative feelings, we will look for ways to look at why you have those feelings and find positive reasons for having those experiences, then say thank you. If you are not able to do what you want to do and are restrained from doing it, then you should love yourself and plan to do things that may take a little time to achieve by removing yourself from those restraints. If you cannot leave whatever your situation, do not give your dreams away. They can still happen in the Divine time they are suppose to happen. Or maybe someday they will not be what you desire at all, but they led you to a greater and more exciting dream for your life!

We will dig deeper into the next chapter on why you have those experiences and people in your life that challenge you. You will find ways to grow with those like you and grow away from those who do not benefit you. You can learn to love everyone, from those that hurt you to those that guide you. Now that you have gotten through the Dreamworld of creating your own outside love connection and finding your own outer desires, we can balance the emotions that come at you from now on. We can work daily on the way we see our outside environment if we choose to center our inside environment as well!

Chapter 2: Tapping Into the Rebellion: “Right” and “Wrong”

In this chapter, I want to look at the idea that we believe what we are told. Do you believe you think outside the box? Our society ponders the connection between creative and outside-the-box thinkers by linking them with personas that are rebellious. It’s a paradox. But is it really?

We create a world in which our children are taught to be studious, creative and independent. We place a lot of credence in methodologies of education and advancement. But when it comes down to rebellion, our system often puts a stopper on it at the level of adolescence. Parents want their kids to be geniuses, but when they go against the norm, it becomes less acceptable. Stories show that “rebels” learn to be the greatest examples of “higher good” of the people.

Rebel With a Cause: Stereotype of the “Bad Boy”

Using a great cultural iconic example, we have a great respect for the Republic in the Star Wars series and their forces joined by a common enemy, The Empire. We see strapping, young Luke Skywalker (Episode 4) as a rebellious and angry young orphan who uses his anger and inner character to fight against a system of Galaxy-wide injustice. Our protagonist is tapped as a Jedi by his happenstance encounter with the android R2D2 (assistant/guide) containing a hidden message for Old “Ben” Kenobi (teacher) to interpret. As we see throughout the entire 6-part series (the prequels being about the creation of the Dark Force), we find that “good” must overcome “evil” by a battle of the “Force” from the rebels that must defeat its opposition.

Okay, having summarized another fantasy story as an allegory for opposition story telling, we see that this formulaic approach can be used in a lot of influential genres that we have stored in our memory banks. What other rebels-as-heroes can we pick out as triumphant, using their special “powers”, intelligence, and thinking-outside-the-box quick thinking to overcome a darker or larger force? And what historic figures do we automatically draw as our source of dark and evil control that would give us such a continuation of these stories?

There’s of course Indiana Jones outsmarting the Nazis (the obvious antagonist that is actually the theme behind most large-scale American comic villains; we see this even in Batman and Superman comics post-World War II). Besides the anguishing dark sides of our superhero comics, we also see a similar anger and rebellion against a corrupt system in Robert Ludlum’s James Bourne series, the exposure of Russian and other terrorist groups’ corruption in the James Bond series, the hot-bad-guy-turned-good persona in Escape From New York, The Road Warrior’s Mad Max, and even in the venerated James Dean’s Rebel Without A Cause. We are given (in these cases male) personas that lived, ate and breathed their vigilante causes and triumphed as both conquering “evil” but in many cases still wanted by the Law Man.

Let’s stretch outside the box of the typical rebellion story. Defining rebellion can also encompass tragic and heartwarming acts of human courage and bravery against a corrupt and often limited social construct. An obvious example would be Martin Luther King, Jr., who was of course killed for his rebellion against the oppression and segregation of minorities in the South in the 1960’s. But there were also the brave men and women who enabled slaves to be freed by aiding their journeys and creating a system of safe points known as the Underground Railroad which led to the Civil War. There was a large group of free-thinkers throughout Europe who fought against the Nazi tyranny and also created a system in which to free targeted Jewish citizens from Nazi-occupied territories, many of whom where murdered for their roles in rebelling against the establishment. And then we have the non-typical rebellion role, passive and stoic, such as Mother Theresa and Gandhi, who offer a true and amazing change to the idea of the “rebel”.

The National Rebel: World Leaders and the Good v. Evil Construct

Okay, you say, this is well and good--history lessons well taken. Let’s take it to another dimension of rebellion. Jesus Christ, Joan of Arc, and Steven Biko were all martyred for their stances as leaders against corrupt, flawed, and oppressive systems. But what do we know about witch burnings, for example in this country in the early 1800’s? Or how do we view pagan slayings during the Reformation in Europe in the 1600’s? Are we now to look upon these as “good” versus “evil”? Weren’t they martyrs for their beliefs? Many who would honor Gandhi’s stance against oppression as a world leader and peacemaker would never once consider the pacifism of a Salem witch as heroic or rebellious. Less we forget, Gandhi came from a religious point of view as well as a Hindu, yet he was an example of free will and mind. But why do we believe witches were thus closed-minded or “evil”?

Many modern extremists in our country band against the teaching of such peacemakers because they did not share the same belief system. History is often rewritten to include “heroes” that were not so noble and eliminate “rebels” that may have been more enlightened or peaceful than the settlers that conquered them. Do we give homage in this country to Native American shamans and leaders who were advocates of peace and harmony? Or do we remember the names of those who conquered them?

The Evil Empire

So who or what do we see now as the “common enemy”? Obviously, Nazi-occupied Germany, Fascist Italy and the Russian Bear are no longer world threats to our “American” construct and way of thinking. We find that our national infatuation with “terrorism” can give us a hefty boost of good vs. evil drama. We know that terrorists in any country are a “threat” to our freedom…right? Is it our sworn duty as a nation to eliminate these threats from the world? Think about this before responding. I am not talking about the individuals who have chosen a path to fight for what they believe is right, like our enlisted forces. I am talking about a social, systematic construct that allows an entire country or group of people to spread an ideal such as Capitalism (and in many cases the ideology of Christianity) to extremist nations that are ruled primarily by fundamentalist factions of Islam—Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan…eventually throughout other nations that also surround our US-protected and venerated Nation of Israel. Can we justify the statement that many of our own citizens believe we are reviving and engaged in a “holy war”?

Let’s talk about terrorist and extremist behavior for one moment. Seriously, this is poignant enough to ponder. Now, as free thinking readers, what is your stance on the allowance of systematic murder in the name of ideology or religion, called “war”? Like the Crusades? Can you tell me there is a rational reason to eliminate Palestinian citizens in the manner in which the national armies of Israel have been allowed to do? And do we as a nation truly support systematic murders?

Think outside the box: who are extremists? We can say they are groups that adopt a belief system and create an inner justification to live and die by its precepts, giving credence to its superiority and unilateral “rightness”. Or more simplified: they believe they are always right and will die and kill for their beliefs. I have heard pastors on Sunday mornings in what are known as “mega-churches” actually claim that we are at war as a nation with Iraq because God told us this is our destiny. Does that make one side “right” and the other “wrong”? So who is killing whom for their beliefs? And do we “serve judgment” on an entire nation because of religion? Some extremists believe that we do.

I took a great class in college on Public Policy. This is the study of how a nation’s government and policies are created, implemented and enforced based upon a common or perceived need. A policy in the United States in the 1820’s that allowed landowners to buy, trade and sell slaves is obsolete in our current country’s system, but the impact and enforcement of that system was a controversy long after its abolishment under President Lincoln. So if we have a policy in our country that “protects” our citizens by allowing the government to monitor every moment of our privacy, can we accept this logic as a necessary means to an end to prevent terrorism? We thought slavery was a necessary means to an end in the 1800’s. We allow our country’s precepts to dominate its ideologies. It is called “ripeness”—the idea that a large movement of thought can sway a whole nation’s policies by implementing what is important in the NOW.

The Days of Our Lives—Back to Individual Thought

How does this affect you? Let’s deconstruct and balance out each of the ideas that surround us. I am not saying by any means that a policy on slavery and The Privacy Act are the same. All policies are different. What I am saying is that they both were right for the time in which they were implemented. Ah, don’t read into this as if I support or endorse either one!! My personal opinion is thus veiled very lightly on the connection. But we as a nation offer several learning points in this discussion:

1. We believe our leaders when they tell us what is “right” for us. This means that we have chosen as a nation to implement a system that works to allow us to run under the idea that we are all given inalienable rights and we all fall under the same guidelines of the Constitution. We have to believe this in order for it to be true. How do we come to believe this? Through our Education: we are taught the precepts of the Constitution and we are told that we all have these rights and freedoms as citizens of this country.

2. We believe what we see, read, and hear. The media tells us what laws are implemented and what laws are broken and often by whom. We are given a myriad of choices through the television networks, the internet, the press and through word of mouth. And often many people believe what they hear without questioning the content or authority from which it came.

3. We also give our credence to authorities we respect within our belief systems. We formulate what we learn from where we learn it--whether it be from teachers, pastors, politicians, or the guy next door who works within the system. So we formulate our beliefs about what is “right” and “wrong” based on those contexts. These experiences are why we are here on this planet and why we are born into our respective citizenships. Right? Are we given what we believe or do we choose it?

4. We believe that because we have a system of “right” and “wrong” that our leaders will implement that system accordingly. Our country, as well as many others like ours, are highly educated and have a great movement of nationalism called “patriotism”. We believe that our elected officials under the system of Checks and Balances will “do the right thing” for its people. If not, the imbalance would be checked. Or would it?

5. This idea of nationalism gives our governmental system credence, setting up the belief that we are a just and right nation. We pay our taxes, support our troops, send our kids to public schools, and we take pride in our worldly superiority and progressive leadership among the nations in our stances on Global Warming, Environmental cleanup, World Heath and as the home of the United Nations. But if you personally have seen injustice within our national Law or the Court systems in your own experiences, do we still believe that at a national or international level there is an untainted version of justice? How can we garner respect from others when our own backyard needs cleaning?

6. We thus equate the righteous vigilante and Rebel with a Cause to our nation’s foreign policies and decision-making processes. If we equate the allegory of the fantasy character of justice—Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Luke Skywalker, Underdog, whomever—to the idea that we have a representative to fight the Big Evil, don’t we see the connection between our Rebel-endorsing, John Wayne-loving nation and its “rightness” to implement justice throughout the world?

Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes—Digging Deep Into Memory

Let’s use a closer to home example to show we believe what we are taught. When we were kids, we heard rhymes, songs and tales that ruled our worlds, imaginary and real, and often they were intertwined. My children and I have always loved to sing together. And as all “good” parents and children do, they learn and pass down their songs within their families. Sayings like “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” were for hopscotch-style play, but they also illicit emotional memories for those that remember what it meant for them. Song lyrics do the same—they attach to memory and ideology and emotion. These are the precursors of system beliefs.

Here are some great examples from my experiences. Again, I was raised an American, Midwestern girl within a Christian-based system. So I learned early on that what I learned in school and at home was “right”. No question.

• I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
• Rock-a-by baby, on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all.
• O! Say can you see by the dawn’s early light, what so proudly we hail at the twilight’s last gleaming; Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, o’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming. And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. O! Say does that star-spangled Banner yet wave, o’er the Land of the free and the home of the brave.
• Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are; Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky…
• Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright; ‘round yon virgin, mother and child, holy infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Can you look back and see how these may have been created and recited to incite ideologies? Here are some stranger ones:

• Peter Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn’t keep her, he put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.
• Milk, milk, lemonade…(ugh, you know the rest!)
• Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick (does anyone else have images of The Muppets?)
• Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Okay, if you can’t see the double-meaning in those, think they didn’t have some kind of early imprint? I was raised during a time of conflict as well. Education took a turn for the better, in my opinion, and my highly enlightened teachers gave me several gifts of wisdom. We had “the whole worlds in our hands.” And even the media and advertising were aimed at One Love. Here’s one of my favorites from Shel Silverstein’s Hug O’ War:

I will not play at tug o’ war
I’d rather play at hug o’ war
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug.
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

Peace, love and happiness were the more obvious goals of the author’s intent. I wanted that happy ending so badly as a child! I learned about the Vietnam War and those that were drafted—why were we fighting over in a place we didn’t want to be? Or that is what I learned. Do you think I would be more apt to believe in war as a way to solve conflict if I had not been taught messages of peace?

Do you think children don’t have lasting imprints that are detrimental or potentially harmful? Here are some I found that were not part of my childhood experience:

A devil goes through the land,
It's the Jew, well-known to us
as a murderer of peoples,
a race defiler, a child's horror in all lands!
Corrupting our youth
stands him in good stead.
He wants all peoples dead.
Stay away from every Jew,
and happiness will come to you!
(The Poisonous Mushroom, by Julius Streicher, Nazi Germany)

A slaughtered little girlie,
In the park and made her bed:
Her hair all gold and curly,
And a bullet through her head.

(The Little Girl, by Agniya Barto, Russian WWII poem)

I think I have said enough on the subject that we believe what we are taught for you to make your own determinations. Go back and think about what you have learned. Now, with the internet, Saturday morning cartoons, Public Television, and advertising, we can remember more about the plights of Big Bird, Oscar, Bert and Ernie than we can those early rhymes. And we learned our earliest sharing lessons from Ronald McDonald. So what do you remember?

Taking Your World by the Horns

Let’s deconstruct this balance even further. We have established that where we are born, what body we are born into, determines our national, local, and often religious identity. We are given a set of parents, neighbors and teachers that influence our decision-making (teachers can be, like Obi Wan Kenobi, from anywhere). We are also surrounded daily by drive-by news and short-term internet posts. We try and educate ourselves, but isn’t it completely overwhelming? How do we catch up with it all? It’s impossible, even as an adult who has all the free time in the world, to glean a true and proper understanding from everything we see, read, hear or know.

So, what can we do? First, remember that everything I equated together is through MY filters and processing. Everything I have brought together thus far gives my knowledge and experiences these angles and this structure. I think in rebellious ways. So we can throw the whole thing out above and you can tell me to jump in a lake. Everything I know and have learned may be nothing at all.

Or you can think about your own life and put pieces of the puzzle together as I have done. Once we start to add pieces to the picture, the picture becomes clearer and clearer. But any good puzzle maker knows that the picture has to be very detailed and very complicated to be of a greater size. I’m no longer doing 200 piece puzzles; 1000 and above, that’s my motto. So what can you see as your own image as you add the pieces together?

So I ask you some personal questions. This will make individually incorporating your thoughts easier to identify:

1. What country are you from? Where are your parents from? Your grandparents? Have you read or informed yourself by reading its bylaws, precepts and governing ideologies? Do you know the real meaning behind its stances? Is it a democratic, republic, monarchy, communist, socialist or theology-based country?

2. Where do you stand in relation to your government’s system? For instance, are you a card-carrying Republican, Democrat, Independent, Libertarian or Green Party member? Do you believe in more conservative or liberal principles in your own life? Are you for the idea of taxation, against it, or don’t care? And do you have an opinion and use your right to vote? Do you believe in the military and the right to bear arms? Do you believe in social services and public education? These seem like petty ideas compared to the study of the entire Universe, but I’m trying to prove a point ☺.

3. What do you believe about spirituality? Do you believe in the existence of a God, a higher power, or a driving universal force? Or do you believe that nothing truly exists but our energy forces and the matter we call existence. Do you base your opinions and ideologies from a spiritual point of view or do you run them through a scientific filter first?

4. Do you have knowledge and wisdom about other countries, religions, beliefs and ideologies, past and present, in our modern world? Have you been blessed to study human history in different capacities? Are you aware of what exists out there? Have you been exposed to individuals of other beliefs as well—if you are a Christian, do you know any Muslims? Or Buddhists? Or Atheists? Or Pagans?

5. So with this educated mind you have been given, do you see that other systems of beliefs, ideologies, religions, politics and laws may be “right” for the citizens in those respective countries, groups and regions throughout the world? Can we judge what others have learned by their experiences? What if we had been born in abject poverty in a gang neighborhood, in Nazi Germany, or in Russia’s Communist years, or in 16th Century England?

“Right” and “Wrong” as Illusions

Do we have a right to say our way of thinking therefore is “right” and others are “wrong”? Certain belief systems, including Judaism, Christianity and Islam, have claims in their tenets that their systems are the only “right” systems. Of course, both of the latter religions coming from Judaism; do we not see that they were created by the same family at the same time? Isaac and Ishmael were brothers, both the sons of Abraham. Isaac was Abraham’s favorite son, according to the Christian Bible, so therefore his descendents were the “chosen” people—Judaism—which then with the coming of the prophesied Messiah, we have Christianity. That’s an amazing leap of faith to give credence to one brother over another to say that God gave them that “right” over the other.

I do not mean to offend my religious brethren. However, examine it this way: If one was chosen as “special” over the other, and not by the father on earth but by the “father in heaven”, wouldn’t God then have gotten rid of the other? Or wouldn’t his chosen have been able to rid the earth at the time of the other belief? Or maybe we can examine it that they all have the same root systems, all have the same “rightness” philosophy, and all use their philosophies and tenets as a system that effectively runs a world-wide campaign to recruit and encompass millions of believers?

When we examine our own precepts and tenets of beliefs, whatever you believe in, do you cross-examine everything? Do you tear it apart, chew it up, and swallow it in a way that you are totally sure of what you believe is true? If that is the case, then I agree with you—Your beliefs are for You. You can feel the presence of your God as I can feel the presence of my God. So what if my God is different from your God? I still know the Presence is there. I still know what I believe is “right” because I have experienced it. So why is mine “right” and yours “wrong” because we don’t have the same faith system?

What do YOU Believe?

So if you truly are a “rebel”, do you question your ideology? Do you truly have conversations with God that answer your questions? Do you feel lost? Or right on target for your life? Do you find ways to justify your beliefs even if they are contradictory to your human or divine natures? Do you examine what you were taught by your teachers, your parents, your community? Do you read your civil rights? Do you have a stance that you can say is “right” without having to say “because I said so”?

I was raised in a very religiously-biased community. But I can guarantee that if I go to my peers and friends that I have known for life, I will find two types of believers. There are those who believe in their faith without question—they act, live, breathe and do what they are told based on a system of “Fear”—fearing the reaction or wrath of one’s God or one’s community within that faith. When I charged head first against that system and took the bull by the horns, I was shunned and ostracized by that community.

Then, there are the other types of believers that I know. And I still love and commune and co-create joy with them today. These are the Rebel Forces—they question God, they question faith, they question their tenets and their pastors and their beliefs. They constantly examine their own lives and how they are as humans and how they treat others as themselves. And they are living and loving truly! These are the friends I praise and admire and learn from everyday. They live on the system of “Love”—embracing the world around them, everyone from every belief and finding the God-spirit in all beings and knowing that we all have the capacity within us.

Going back to our Protagonist—the anguished Superhero type—when you truly examine your favorite characters, do you see where the authors may have added in elements of doubt, darkness, controversy and shame into the reality of the rebel? So can we see how “right” and “wrong” are irrelevant in many ways when deconstructed. “Balance” and “imbalance” are more closely aligned to the idea of being “centered”, and I will discuss this further when understanding more on how to reconcile what we believe with who we are. So let’s go down the rabbit hole further and look at a more detailed breakdown of feelings and emotions and how they can remedy internal conflicts and justifications. What is “Truth, Justice and the American Way”? And where do these attachments come from? Maybe it’s better to examine “To Infinity and Beyond!”

Make a List of What You Believe

I highly recommend at this point you find a blank notebook. This will be a great place to start. Go back through this chapter and write down the answers to all the questions written for you. Where did you get your beliefs from and from whom? Do you believe in a specific form of a Divine Creator? Do you believe in the soul? And write down as much detail as you can. Do you have any specific memories or stories that stand out to you? Do you have any memories of events or conversations that gave you the evidence to what you believe (like if someone made a racist comment and you had a change of feeling about racism because of that comment; or someone did something harmful to you and it made you take a stance on your belief).

Now, go back through what you wrote and say thanks for all you have learned up to this point. If you wish to keep going on this, write down how each of these beliefs makes you feel (“good” or “bad”). And finally, make a list of questions for yourself. Why do I believe each one of these things is true? Question those beliefs—do you see where it is true for me and not for everyone? Do I truly believe that all people in this town I remember were stuck-up, or mean, or all friendly? Do I truly believe that my Creator is the only one or greater than any other? Do I believe that war is a good thing and why? Do I believe that I am a rebel in my thinking? Or do I just believe what I am told? Do I believe someone that influenced me lied to me? Or do I see where they were telling the truth because they believe it?

So finally, remember that emotions are illusions. They are not concrete objects, but real for the experiences you had or have. Go through your list and write a plus or minus next to every belief and feeling. If you believe it is neutral, put both. The truth is every belief is a positive or negative charged system. These beliefs will be reconciled and you can find balance in them. I will be discussing how to do so in further chapters as we explore emotions.

New Chapters in Life--The Pain of Letting Go

I am moving into a new chapter in my life. I am torn, anguished, finding no solace. At times the pain is excruciating, but at least I know what I am going through. I have removed myself from a three year relationship and it is as if a part of me has died.

Once we get past the denial, the shock and the anger, the pain settles in. It is so difficult to swallow that I could have put so much time and effort into a part of my life that seemed to have failed! But I know I learned so much! Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I imagine "what if" then I remember I wasn't the one that was unable to give completely. In fact, as I write, I imagine myself whole and centered--knowing that I DID give everything I could, and those parts of me I held back were only because the commitment wasn't 100%. I asked for a sign to show me loyalty and it never came...thus I chose to move on.

When is enough enough? When do we call it quits? When do we give all of ourselves or retreat into the safety of our own being? When can we be connected fully with another human being in a monogamous and healthy relationship? All these questions, flying through my mind on a daily basis, show me I have been begging the Universe to make the pain go away, to show me a different path. We can't take back what has been done, but we can direct our lives so that in the future the next challenge we receive we are more prepared to accept it. I have learned to love fully. I have learned to be in a relationship again, even if it did not turn out how I wanted it to be. I have learned to be honest with myself about my own issues and faults and the EGO that keeps me from being centered in Light and Love. I have discovered my own paths and accepted who I am. So in this case, I am so grateful for the pain!

If I had never truly been in love, I never would have known what it feels like to be truly lost and have true sorrow.

I will miss him always...
And forever be grateful for the chance to have been in love!

xoxo Kate

Leaving Chicago--Traveling by Air

This is the strangest of all the trips I have taken so far! I am taking a 2-Seater Plane from Chicago to Miami!! I can't wait to have this experience for the first time. I am a bit scared--I am afraid of heights :)... But I am going with a veteran pilot who knows his skies. I will write a detailed expository soon...

xoxo Kate

Chapter 1: Book of Healing

This is the beginning of the book for my children and all those who know me...

Balancing, or centering, one’s self is the most honoring and loving act one can do for their soul. Understanding the Intimacy we have between ourselves and our Divine nature is where we find true love and joy. It is not a fleeting, temporary “high.” It is not a faucet to turn on and off. It is a continual regeneration process that allows our cells and even our atoms to align the way they were meant to be. We are created as part of this great system called the Universe! And we were given a soul, if you so choose to call it, to be alive.

When my children were born, they were cleaned up and their chords were cut. Each one was born healthy and beautifully whole. The first thing they did was cry out to the world. The second act then was to stop, look around them and smile. All three of my children had the same reaction. They were fully prepared and fully ready to be in the body they were given. There were no judgments, prejudices, fears or emotions. They exhibited raw and open communication. And then the immediate need to be comforted and fed. But in that moment of awakening, they were present in their new bodies.

I want to explore the longing we all have for Balance. The importance of being aware of our nature goes beyond our place in this world. Many believe there are alternate universes. Others too believe there are multiple lifetimes to create these universes. Whatever the case may be, we are all made of an energy that is perfect, created in Love and Light, and even when our bodies expire, it does not ever disappear. That is everlasting life. And it is aligned perfectly within the order in which we were made.

My goal is to share with you my own journey, my visions, and my life lessons that I have been blessed to have along the way. I am now, as an aware person, able to recognize that some of these lessons were “good” and some were “bad” but they all are “perfect”. In order to understand who we are we must be open to why we are here. Therefore we will know that what happens to the lessons we learn along the way will be imprinted, not only on those who come after us, but also as part of the existing Light, or Soul, that is within us. I want to explore what it means to see the world as complete, neither “good” nor “bad”. And how we can shed those illusions that create a barrier between our self-worth and our self-actualization.

The Good, The Bad, and The Loving

I am writing this to all my friends and family and my true loves as I live it. Within the last year, I have had to learn and understand a new way of approaching my life, the Universe and the collective consciousness of all beings together. I am learning to be Balanced within myself, thus why I want to share it with you. It is as if I have been preparing and honing in skills to make Life more detailed, more open, more attractive, more specific. More is not always “good” or “bad”—it can add more stress, more time constraints (if allowed), more uncertainty, more risks and more heartache. Positive and negative must flow together to create light and love. I understand that, but if love is true and light is pure, then why is it often we reach for the darkness? Why do we like the imbalance?

Where does it say that we have to live miserably or uneventful lives or always search for happy ever after? Everywhere we get these impressions and these ultimatums. Do as I say or you won’t get what you need/want/desire. This is what I see in the constructs of marriage, work, religion, and even how we teach our children. Why give our youth this construct and ignore their true education—teaching them that they can construct their own lives? We learn that “because I said so” is a viable option in pop psychology, we are allowed to use it in a controlling way to manipulate others. And in some systems, like religion and corporate business, we are rewarded for those constructs! Promoted and venerated. We live for work in the United States, not work to live as they do in other countries. We spend our time contemplating our existence but find ourselves ruled by “guilt” and “obligation”. And we go on thinking that others control our lives. Or better yet, that we are suppose to let them.

When we don’t match up to the norm of societal imprinting, we self-deprecate or blame others. It’s the fault of my (fill-in-the-blank) that I didn’t get this done. It’s everyone else’s job to fix me. I am not responsible for my actions because I am just a victim/pawn/sheep. Why do we truly allow ourselves to be controlled like that? No seriously. Are we avoiding unpleasantness to stay within our comfort zones? Or do we just truly not want to rock the boat? Is it conscious or not? I believe often it is a choice—and when pushed to change that way of thinking, we retreat into ourselves and “label” the conflict as “bad” or “wrong” or “negative”, and my favorite, “evil.” We don’t see conflicts and challenges as gifts that we are given to learn.

So all “positive” is generally labeled as “godly” and all “negative” is generally labeled “satanic” or “worldly”. The constructs of opposition that were designed to control the masses through religious superiority date back thousands of years even before Judaism, Christianity or Islam. These separations of human traits into deification were long implemented by tribal systems in polytheistic societies. We had gods and goddesses who we asked to grow our food and control our weather. (We still do, by the way—it’s a natural request!) We sacrificed our domesticated animals as offerings in our stead for prosperity and blessing and cleansing and forgiveness. We burned our totems and representations of ourselves to honor the seasons, the harvest and the gift of life. Throughout the history of mankind we have ingested, drank, smoked, painted on ourselves, branded, worn, and blood-let our offerings to our deities. Using our bodies for “sacrifice” in some way is also looked at as “godly” or “holy”. I could write for pages on the specifics of ritual and prayer and our ever evolving human desire to communicate with God and the daily hope and desire to be blessed and loved unconditionally.

The Have-To Mentality – Living in a Black-and-White World

Continuing on the theme of “good” and “bad”, let’s address the why. We need to fit into time, space and have identity. We need to see ourselves as an individual and a part of a greater whole. We have determined that our path is set in the manner in which we have created it, but we don’t take the truth of the daily continuation to “take the wheel” as an option—we’d rather let someone or something else “drive.” The millions who daily succumb to the internal and external allowances that tell us we “have to” thus keep us at a black-and-white thinking mentality. This is the engine that we operate everyday but don’t think we do.

For instance, I know several women who are facing major crises in their lives right now. Two of them have hit the proverbial “brick wall” and don’t know where to go with their lives. They were brought together under dire circumstances. The first woman had to leave a situation that created an abuse cycle. The second woman offered to “rescue” her by opening her home. The first woman responded when her “rope” ran out by lashing out—blaming everyone and everything around her. It was so-and-so’s fault she wasn’t rescued from her situation. It was so-and-so’s fault that he lied to her about his intentions. It was the other woman’s fault because she lied about her position and where she was in life. It is everyone’s fault that she cannot stop drinking to ease the pain. And it’s now the fault of society that she cannot cope or function.

This life path has given her a “comfort zone” where she does not have to take responsibility for her actions or her own affect on those around her. Her drinking, for instance, gives her the “freedom” to tell the truth how she feels—and it allows her also to hurt others with her negative and degrading words. We learn these behaviors, yes, and she has a great teacher with whom she now resides. So thus they must find their own way out of their own blaming or they will never heal from the wounds that were inflicted by themselves or by others. And I am so grateful they have to face their lack of acceptance together—what better way to find out who you are but by going back to the source of first conflict!

The other woman facing a major crisis created her own world too. She hit her “brick wall” and ended up in the hospital. She internalized and blamed herself for every wrong-doing in her life. She took the responsibility for her husband’s abuse and control, her children’s needs while sacrificing her own, and the encounter she had that brought these two women together. She took it all. And it just about killed her. She is so far into blaming herself, that she apologized profusely for even creating the chaos that ensued—taking the blame for so-and-so’s taking advantage of her generosity and taking the blame for the other woman’s drinking! Her partner “blames” her for it all as well, magnifying her own self-hatred, and then he commandeered the credit for trying to rescue the other woman from her plight as if it was all his idea.

A lot of drama and anger and spewing obligatory judgments later, as I watched this unfold, I engaged both women in their interpretation of what happened. I see that the woman who took all the blame will end up being able to re-center. She is out of the situation as well, forcing herself to work through her own lies, faults, avenues of escape, and paths to self-destruction. She is conscious of who she is and where she went “wrong” in her path. But it will take a lot of work if she is not able to find her own self-worth, the side of the coin that gives her purpose and meaning and individuality—she gave those away. In order for her to find the truth, she must stop labeling herself or her actions as “bad” and find the reason and lesson behind them. She must also learn that she is worth the transformation. This may be the greatest hurdle she must face. Then, when her paths are realigned, it is beneficial for her to surround herself with others who see her beauty and compassion as honorable traits.

As for the first woman, I am truly a great fan of her recovery and her coming to center. However, in her fight to blame others, she has lost the one most important component of herself: the truth that she can heal her own wounds and find her own path. She denies her own strength and fights against taking her own individuality. The same self-loathing concepts come from this deviation from center as well, but they are harder to accept. The social constructs that run the experiences she had will too have a lasting impact on her “guilt” and “shame” and “judgment”. If she only basis her balancing on using “psychology”, she may never remove the labels. And the further spiritual construct of her religion will also place labels on her as “forgiven” or “sinner” or “fallen”. The experience itself is thus lost and not examined as the challenge and life lesson it could be, but written off as just the “bad” happenstance it became.

I have not been perfect in my thinking! Not by any means. I have been scorned repeatedly by my society because of my beliefs, my open mind, my compassionate heart, my love of living life to the fullest. So I too have moments where I “blame”—others for their inherent inability to see the truth because of the walls they have built for themselves, and myself for falling prey to a series of “emotional vampires” that want to take my dreams from me and create the construct around me that they are “selfish” or “bad” or “unachievable” (my favorite!).

I daily go over my system of beliefs, my goals and dreams, and reevaluate if they are serving their purpose: to allow me to grow and mature in wisdom and compassion. I too forget to be grateful for my challenges!! I too forget to honor the Universe for giving me the people in my life that have helped my journey by helping and hurting me alike. Knowing what I know now, I can see where there were times those same people, especially those I loved the most and was closest to, taught me so much about myself. I too gave up my power to others because of social constructs: parents, spouses, teachers, bosses, therapists and pastors and priests, doctors, schools, governments, corporations, churches, and those within those systems that wanted to have control over me.

Breaking Outside the Box—I Choose To Create My World

The true freedom of centered thought and living a balanced life is given to us in the form of gratefulness. We find we can be thankful for every part of our life, every part of ourselves, and every moment of space and time we are given, we can be truly free.
This is the key.

My kids play this wonderful game I adore called Kingdom Hearts. Sora (my daughter Jacquelyn’s heartthrob), is a young man who finds a “keyblade” sword that gives him power to fight against the “heartless”—creatures made out of the “darkness” that are soulless and come at him and his companions, Donald and Goofy (yes, the Disney characters), in different scenarios and settings so they can gain points by destroying the lifeless creatures. Of course, being a fan of the fantasy of Disney, I enjoy the combination of Disney’s magical and cartoon-created worlds as the backdrop of such a simple yet tedious game. Knowing that Sora must rescue his true love Kairi and save King Mickey, he must journey through different adventures and fight these heartless (“energy vampire”) creatures, collect treasures (“wisdom”) along the way, and then face each world’s arch-nemesis and fight to destroy the Darkness taking over the Universe.

Now, as an anthropologist, actor and storyteller, I have worn all the hats that have given me the appreciation for the myth and the archetype. I dive into stories that capture the essence of humanity and its arena as played out by the gods. I too have a fascination for the game! (Though I am not good at it). We have our protagonist, young and handsome, his Rosencrantz and Guildenstern sidekicks, a royal quest, a beautiful soulmate, a fairy godparent-style helpmate in each Kingdom quest (from Ariel to Tarzan to Simba to Tron), a myriad of paths to explore in each world, weapons and magic to collect (objects for reaching enlightenment), and doors to open.

The pantheistic approach to the story (The Seven Princesses are of pure heart light and the Seven Villains trying to join forces to take over the Universe) gives us a fantastic template for adventure!! Okay, so why do we not have the ability to wield our own “keyblade” (gratefulness), fight our own Heartless (constructs), find our own treasures and weapons (wisdom, beliefs), create our own magic (centeredness), fill our days with the restless slumber of the Dreamworld created by the mind of a boy and his Universe? Many of my friends say that’s because we need to learn to write code and work for a Japanese production company. NO! That’s not what I meant. Living the fantasy is not really a fantasy. Okay, I would prefer sometimes to sit and play the video game rather than face the world around me we live in. I love adventure and role-playing as much as the next Trekkie or Browncoat (If you don’t have any cultural reference, feel free to use the construct known as the Internet to inform yourself on these concepts )

Back to Reality – I Desire and I Choose My Life

So how do we choose our own lives? Say, for argument sake, I am right. Or at least right for me. Say we can see our lives in the way we would watch a movie. Well, we are born into a scientifically measurable construct: birth, life, death. We come into a body that is made of millions of cells that all have a specific function (our own little world, so to speak). We grow exponentially and use this object on top of our heads, called a brain, to control the functions of our body and process the three-dimensional environment in which we are living (not much different than from the fantasy world created and lived through by Sora in the story). We have our own constructs of ourselves to learn and grow within: Parents to care for our infant selves that teach us everything we must know about our immediate world around us—we learn love and fear from them, reality and fantasy, safety and danger, praise and criticism. We find competition (siblings) and survival (food, water, shelter) to be our life goals. And we have our first memories and adventures.

Think of what your memory would be if you were born into the body of a woman addicted to crack-cocaine and your first memories of the outside world involved drive-by shootings and hunger pains. Think of what your challenges may be and how they must appear in these early years as insurmountable constructs. What do you think you could do to create your world into something that could evolve out of violence and self-hate? What if you were surrounded everyday by those who would represent the “heartless”—drug dealers, abusive elders, life-takers, self-loathing, and fear-based teachers? What have we collected in our arsenal then? We are born with our ability to survive, our instinct allows us to hide and to fight against the competition and constructs around us.

We find our first steps out of the nest into a world called Education. Now, we can build our adventure beyond our immediate social system. We teach about other heroes in school—our teachers, our historical figures, our mentors—and we collect treasures (knowledge, language, creative expression) while we look for weaponry and magic (competition, grades, achievements, self-esteem, social constructs). We can choose whether these elements are used for “good” or “bad” in our system. We are taught they are one or the other most often. Throwing sand at another student in recess gives us a punishment; whereas learning to spell and becoming the spelling bee champion gives us a reward. We are taught that coloring outside the lines is not healthy, and that coming to a wrong conclusion mathematically gives us points off our grades. That student who grew up in the hostile environment of violence, gangs and drugs, now has the opportunity to see beyond their own belief system. What they do with this knowledge is up to them.

The further along our body travels in time and space, within the construct of our life’s reality; we learn new and sometimes contradictory lessons. Some of our religious constructs teach us that taking a life of another is a sin or “bad”. But then we find out that taking a life of another in a time of war is an honorable and rewarded act that is labeled “good”. Having an abortion—I know, I’m going there—is labeled “bad” by some but practiced as “good” by others. It can leave some emotionally scarred, which makes the memory and experience a “bad” one, but it can also save the life of another who would ultimately be kept in a situation of fear, bondage or control, which is then labeled “good” by those who see it as a means to escape those constructs.

Living La Vida Social: Creating our Wants and Needs

We learn through childhood how our world system views our “wants” and “needs” and we are told that they are “good” and “bad” thus by our social network. In my youth, for instance, I grew up in a middle-upper class suburb of Chicago. Most of my classmates were Caucasian and Christian. Most of my playmates were from educated families. And most of my experiences were within the “norm” of my environment. I was somewhat rebellious in my mind and with my beliefs, but never beyond the construct of the environment. I then went to college and married within my construct as well. Remember, I am also bound, as are you, by a quantifiable space and time—my decade was defined as of Reaganomics, material wealth building, the falling of the Berlin Wall (representing the end of a perceived Cold War), Hippies as parents (not mine), and the invention of the buzzword DINK (Double-Income No Kids) as an acceptable societal construct. So my “wants” and “needs” were too defined by my society—what I should wear, how I should behave, and what I ought to believe.

I did not pursue my dreams because they were “not achievable” and “not normal” and outside the realm of experience for a Midwestern girl to have. At that time, I would have had to move outside my social circle to New York or Los Angeles to become a professional actor. Even acting in Chicago at the time was very experimental and I did not inform myself of the benefits of continuing my acting even at that level. And as far as my educational pursuits were concerned, I was challenged with not being able to return to college because of a change in governmental funding (i.e. Bush Sr. was elected). So I had to find another route for education. My self-righteousness as an intellectual superior was counterbalanced with financial restraints. I was “told” I could not afford to go back to school and I tried to live once again within the balance of perceived allowance.

Now, as an adult, I see where I missed some opportunities of success and a possible future as a professional actor because I put off my dreams to appease and succumb to the dreams and realities of others. I have no regrets. I experienced a life that I can now use in my acting and have a plethora of stories, archetypes, constructs and beliefs to draw upon for my acting, writing and vision for my own life. I have been given the gifts of three beautiful children, the freedom from my original social constructs in which to live a complete and fully realized life. And now I see my path is exactly as I desire it to be. I am learning how to jump from the three-dimensional body I was given (development of the natural self) into the multi-dimensional self who is connected with the Universe and given the blessings of using the collective wisdom, knowledge and understanding to bless and heal others.

I also know that my wants and needs and thus my visions have matured and been given proper care. The large-scale pruning I had to undergo was the next step to my journey and a way for me to accomplish my original goals. I did not know, however, I would have to do most of the work in myself alone. Being a single mother is not the “ideal” construct I desired. I truly wanted the happy ever after marriage. But that would have meant that my partner would also have been blessed with the same gifts of long-term understanding to be able to see a clearer outcome to create together. I was not given that gift of partnership in the traditional sense, but another that would lead me to my dreams and goals.

I do not need to be in any other relationship to be happy!! But I choose those relationships wisely so that I surround myself with people that I can learn from, teach, and we work in the same direction toward centeredness. I have amazing relationships with my Creator, my Mentors, my Teachers, my Students, my Siblings (all I call brothers and sisters) and my children (the three I was blessed to birth and those who I also call my children). And along the way I have met those I have fallen in love with and let go.

I have been blessed by the abilities of Reason and Vision. I was not born from a mother addicted to crack-cocaine. Nor was I born within a family of privilege, though we had material comforts. I cannot imagine waking up to gunshots outside my nursery. Nor can I understand going to summer camps with other over-privileged children. I know others who have experienced these childhoods, however, and they are blessed with their own challenges and constructs. I was, however, born to create a life of intellectual pursuit, which in and of itself has its own “good” and “bad” sides. Having a life-long desire to be an educated genius is tempered and monitored by the path of being surrounded by other intellectuals who do and do not have vision. Some of the paths I have taken have given me a greater understanding of false realities. Some have given me a deep appreciation of my faculties and the way I see myself as a gift and as centered. Let’s put it this way—there have been enough nay-sayers in my life to keep me from becoming arrogant, self-important, or “successful” in any of my original life pursuits. And I am so grateful!

Going into a field, such as Medicine or Religion or even my chosen field of Anthropology and the Social Sciences, is like putting on a set of clothing that is limited by color, shape and size. I chose the path of the Scholar instead of the Actor because it had more, well, “prestige”. In the 1980’s and 1990’s, the acting community at large (film, commercial, Hollywood) was defined by its roles in material ways and most of the actors I followed were and are iconic representations of that time. The ones I most admired are the ones that are still around today and I will meet them all someday and tell them how grateful I can follow in their footsteps. But back during those times, I chose what I loved: ministry, parenthood, writing and leadership roles that I was allowed to construct within the definitions of my family, my marriage, my social system and my belief system. I limited myself. I never swayed outside those constructs. And though I was continually told what I “could” and “could not” do by the very closest of my social environment, I chose to express my creativity within those realms—I threw myself into education and educating my children.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road—Creating Desires Outside the Box

In additional writings (chapters), I will go into more detail on the impact of those years on my adult understanding and development. However many times I was told I wasn’t “allowed” to do something I wanted to pursue, no matter how many dreams I put on hold to educate and raise children, I never gave up the ability to Reason or Learn. I spent every day, doing something to find meaning within my existence. I was given great books of understanding, including but not limited to those within my religious system. And I found joy in writing out my emotions, which at the time were limited because I did not understand that they too were illusions. But I did what I loved and I loved what I did: I am the mother of three brilliant and incredible children!! That was my life’s work.

However, as paths and doors turn and unfold, my “keyblade” and self-righteousness were challenged by the “heartless”—systems and constructs based on Fear and Judgment—and they removed my children from me for a short time. They still to this day believe what they did was “just” and “right—I became the object of their “bad” as they maintain their system of “good”. I am not purporting that the individuals in the system are to be labeled “good” or “bad”—they have had their paths like the rest of us. In fact, I struggle daily feeling “sorry” for their ignorance. But the system as a whole created an image through the eyes of human-run and controlling social filters (those I had followed and obeyed!—Religion, Law and Social Status) that gave my perceived Life of self-denial, survival, security and social significance a mighty shake and the rug was pulled out from underneath me—the corruption of such systems that favors some then must take away from others.

Think about this: Now I had no direct connection to the Divine because I was all of the sudden labeled unworthy of that Divinity!! Amazing. I colored outside the lines, yes, but it did not warrant a 10 year reaction from those who said they loved me to go all-out in warfare against me and thus damaging my children’s paths by not giving them what they too needed, their mother. And the strangest outcome of this: I believed them. At the time.

With this psychic and social break, however, I was able to realize some of my own dreams: I finished my own schooling, I traveled to learn another language, I read what I want to read, learn what I want to learn, and I have decided to pursue what I have most desired for my entire life: a career in Acting. I have learned to love a mate and partner more than I ever thought I was capable of loving. I have traveled to places I wanted to go, and I plan trips for future adventures now, expanding my Universe beyond the borders of my original imagination. I have met some of the greatest minds of this world—in person, in books, in spirit—and I have been allowed to find the Balance I sought for so many years.

My oldest daughter, the one resembling in personality the infamous now-acclaimed Sora, has sought to fight her own battles and create her own worlds. She has lived with me and under my guidance for 4 years now. And she is brilliant, creative, talented as a singer and blessed with a superior intelligence as well. This is the great start of her adventures from within her own reality into the worlds of danger and intrigue and mystery to come. She too, like her mother, has been able to see a bigger picture. She has a vision that is only limited by her fledgling ideologies and it will serve her well. She has a large social system, amazing friends, and she’s tall and beautiful. What every mother would want for her child—that, and a shotgun to ward off life’s intruders . Oh, well, we can’t have everything, can we? (That is a joke, for any of you who are offended by the paradigm).

My youngest has returned to live within the construct of that family and religious system in order to receive further guidance and be in her own “safety net”—she is not quite ready to adventure beyond the constructs she has been taught. Living with me for 1 1/2 years, she had the gift and challenge of being graced with a more independent lifestyle, more open thought, and she fought against it daily while processing her own self worth in my home. In a predictable turn of events, her inability to understand her environment with me, the other social constructs in her life refused to support her choice and I was forced to allow her return. She is where she needs to be for now. She too is beautiful, intelligent, charming and gregarious. She has her mother’s gift of storytelling and will be blessed as a role model in whatever she pursues.

My son is a beautiful example of a brilliant mind at work, slowly taking in his environment, shyly understanding the world around him. He is finding his own path while making his own assessments. His amazing intelligence, coupled with his superior athletic ability, makes him a target for a lot of lower-minded jealousy but also will give him the gift as I have had of being looked upon as a prodigy and possibly at times idolized for his ability, his mind and his beauty (inside and out). I have not been allowed to communicate with him for a period of time, so I am sure when we reconnect, his eyes will see what I have seen and I can give him these gifts of seeing outside himself and fully understanding his blessings.

What it boils down to is this: My initial dream to educate my children gave them initial footholds into their beings. They are individuals, talented and intelligent and beautiful, who all will be given the right guidance and will find their own paths. They will always have something that will be like Vasalisa’s doll and Cinderella’s godmother—they will have me.

Introduction to Rest of the Story

Now that you know a little about me, let’s examine how many “buttons” I may have pushed within this story of self-revelation. I don’t necessarily mean specific details, though many can relate to finding difficulty living as a swan among ducks at times in their lives. And others can empathize with the wounded persona of self that puts her hand into the cookie jar only to find it trapped and unable to come out. I have been likened to Alice and Cinderella and other such fairy tale archetypes within my journey of enlightenment. The diamond in the rough like in Aladdin. The innocent Vasalisa who encounters Baba Yaga in the thick of the forest (from a Russian fairy tale I will discuss further).

But I don’t see myself that way. I have been described recently more akin to Pandora. THAT, my friends, is probably closer to my life’s work and journey! I find it an enjoyable and creative archetypal reckoning. I am the renegade more than the saint. But I have had both roles. I stick my hand into traps that challenge me to find my way out. I Love who I am and I Love what I do! Now the question, my young and dear friends, is do you find that acceptable? Have you been told your whole life that you are too bold or too mouthy or too selfish or too-whatever? Do you feel that deconstructing the balance makes you uncomfortable? Do you find that if you were tempted to dive down the rabbit hole you would be forever disillusioned and your faith ruined?

It could happen. I am not denying that. Emotions are illusions given to us to reconcile our experiences. There is nothing wrong with grieving over death, change and decisions that created a wrinkle or detour in your path. However, in the course of this book, I hope to show you how you can take back your control. I can show you how to do what others have done for me. I can give you the gifts of Vision and Reason, and with them you can create your own path and destiny. This is NOT NEW nor is it my work alone. I just find that in relating my experiences and those around me, I can give you a basis of thought that may provoke the thoughts in your mind and you can start to listen to the consciousness within you that will guide you in a greater and more balanced approach to living.

I may be a catalyst, but I am one of Many. I may be able to encourage and help you in some way, but it is whatever is within your inner being that will give you the strength to deconstruct your own beliefs, constructs, illusions. I may give you a doorway that allows you to bridge reality and fantasy in a way you would never have thought about before. I want us to see our connection between our current Spiritual self and our Physical body in which we are experiencing this story called life. And I don’t have to put it in a novel about a teenage vampire to make it pleasurable, but I might consider that one day!

I love to create pathways in the chaos. And most of all, I am a student just like you and everyone around you. My life is still going, so therefore I am still learning. Can we say we are teachable? If you see those around you as given up on their dreams, if you want to shake them and wake them up, if you want to shout it out that there is more to life than this, if you find yourself swimming upstream, then these lessons will be for you. Trust me, only our therapists tell us we can’t put a square peg in a round hole. Watch as we go behind the curtain and find the Great and Wonderful Oz.

Now we will begin to see why “bad” is “good” and “godly” is “earthly”. And we will find out what it means to be whole.