What is Irrational in the Mind of One is Completely Sane in Another (Part 2)

In my last blog, I created VERY emotionally-based examples from my own experiences that demonstrated charged neurological pathways that imprinted both PAIN and PLEASURE memories in my own brain (and those of my children in their own way). Just for a change of pace from my usual emotional/psychological writings, I am gathering statistical, sociologically-neutral information to show the importance of how memories are gathered on a global scale. I WILL be honoring my promise to help each person reading this blog on a personal scale by showing HOW to get to a point of creating a new system to rethink old memories based on what we have learned on both a macro and micro scale that will bring our world into a realistic perspective and still allow individual subjectivity to understand why we go through the experiences we do. Are you still with me? If this doesn't quite make sense by the end of the blog, then contact me personally and we can go through the experiences you have had and work on them on an individual basis.

[**By now, I hope all of you realize that my vision in my writing and in my holistic discovery is to share as much information as possible to as many as I can and not create a system of monetary wealth from my information--as I am going back to school to become a holistic-naturopathic practitioner, the end goal is to create the communities necessary to provide these healing modalities to EVERYONE, regardless of financial situation!**]

Connecting Our Global Thoughts

According to the research I have gathered from many different websites and medical journals, the human brain has anywhere between 100 and 160 Billions neuron pathways. That is a lot of learning material and places for memories and emotions to hide. And it is widely believed and estimated that we use only 10% of our brain, even though it is wired to use 100%. We use approximately 10-16 Billion neuropathways per person on average, therefore up to 150 Billion pathways are left unused.

On this planet, according to the latest 2012 census reports and population websites, we have between 6.875 and 7 Billion people in the world and it continues to grow exponentially every day. The birth rate is over double the death rate. 13.3 Million people die of heart disease each year, while 2.4 Million die of AIDS (last year's census). 5.8 Million die of cancer and 2.9 million die of respiratory illnesses. 50% of the world population lives at the poverty level at $2.50 a DAY. 80% live on less than $10 per day, even in the United States. And with 1 Billion children living in poverty and very little access to education, what is the point of having 160 Billion neurological pathways per child? If the survival part of the brain is the only one in use the majority of the time, we do not have an adequately tapped population regardless of size!

So, according to these statistics (and yes, these are based on scientific generalizations and patterns of human sociology and biology), we can guestimate that there are anywhere from [6.875 x 10 to the 19th power (10 quintillion)] neuron pathways to [1.12 x 10 to the 20th power (100 quintillion)] neuron pathways being used globally by humans EVERY DAY. Without calculating the amount of brain loss and not even attempting to estimate the average thought processes of humanity, these brain waves that are interconnected by everyone on our planet are sending messages inward throughout each body and outwardly connecting every other body that affects the energetic and sociological outcome mapping of behaviors throughout the world.

If therefore we use the median statistic of 905 Quintillion neuropathways (the average number of cells used per brain and average number of living humans on the planet), then we can safely say that all it takes is ONE act of national interest, broadcast to the majority of people within the United States (314 Million people approximately alive as of this blog) to emotionally affect the entire nation and push over the dominoes of emotion that subsequently affect humanity internationally to rewire the thoughts of all 7 Billion in a major way within a week's time, even if it is only using 1 pathway per person per day to change a thought about our global condition. Because we are so strongly, emotionally connected by being in the human body--energy made up of impulses that are conscious and subconscious to run all the body and mind functions--we can surely affect those around us just by where we consistently focus our thoughts.

A great example of an emotional event going global is a major news story like the Egyptian protests on April 20th, 2012 in Tahrir Square that began its global protest on social media sites like Facebook. The gathering brought tens of thousands of Egyptians together to protest the unfair disqualification of candidates in the elections for President. By April 28th, the protests led to one death and 30 wounded, and 90 more wounded during the night before the morning of the 29th. The significance was that it was actually covered internationally and was broadcast in every major country of the world due to its unusual popularity and methodology of gathering. The riots over governmental rule have been happening on and off for many years, most notably after elections in 2011, but they have become a forefront to the Muslim nations because of their use of the internet to gain attendance at the protests as well as their plea to an international audience. Egypt has long held peace treaties with the U.S. and with Israel, both of whom have supported Egyptian governmental changeovers. But as a group, the Egyptians have become very emotionally charged and the riots are becoming a massive expression of their plight (protesting began January 17, 2011 according to The Huffington Post article, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/22/egypt-protest-timeline_n_1107476.html#s486979&title=January_17_2011).

Many other countries have experienced similar protests, but they were not as visible as the Egyptian protests seemed to have become. The exception is the September 11-16, 2012 riots internationally by Muslim protesters who rallied against an anti-Muslim film released in Hollywood. The protests, preplanned in 20 muslim countries, were fueled by an emotional outpouring against the U.S. and created a scene of violence that ended in 3 deaths at the U.S. Embassy in Tunis.

Again, billions of homes had access to the news. The same could be said of the debate for President of the United States recently aired internationally here in Denver, Colorado. I had met several members of the International Press who attended the debate. In spite of its uneventful outcome, because it is one of the most watched elections of the world. According to the Nielsen rating system, in the U.S. alone, there were 67.2 million viewers on 11 networks in our country alone.

Special internationally-recognized events and news-worthy stories have traveled globally in a matter of hours, like the plane crashes on 9/11, the international coverage of the World Olympics, and the death of Princess Diana of Wales. We have access to news 24/7 by cable, television, internet and newsprint. But the greatest source of news travel is by word of mouth. Yes, there are remote regions that do not cover such events but it doesn't mean that they cannot be accessed at any point throughout the world. It is an amazing accomplishment that humanity has a global network of communication that is so varied and sophisticated that it can be shared within a day's time anywhere!

Our Own Personal Memories Attached to Global Events

Going back to the INDIVIDUAL MIND, every human has the CHOICE which messages are allowed to enter the brain or not. In spite of the surrounding environment, we choose to connect globally or not to connect. This is where our values, our interests and our filters kick in. When you think about the above events, what emotions do YOU personally attach to them? Or do you even care?

Here are some of the thoughts I had about events and MY personal memories attached. I want you to think about these and what YOU think about when you remember them:

1. The Egyptian protests in 2011-2012: I remember hearing briefly about the protests online from several news sources. My emotional attachment to the protests only came in the form of a fascination surrounding the media presence of the the individuals who posted their gatherings on Facebook (especially with the arrests of protesters in February 2011). I found it fascinating that the story went international because of its social media appeal. I personally have been in several major protests, so the attachment to that kind of memory is charged with an attachment to see justice and the truth of a situation come to light.

2. The death of Princess Diana: I remember when the Princess died. It was very emotionally charged for me because it was also the same week that Mother Theresa died. That was why I was so saddened by the deaths of two humanitarians in the same week. I was living on Saint Simons Island in Georgia. I had a newborn baby (Jacqui) and two toddlers. And I was emotionally charged due to post-partum depression anyway. Thus, I was a basket-case over the news. I remember Princess Diana fondly and related well to her depression over dealing with her husband's family. At the time, I was going through a similar experience (of being ignored and my feelings discounted) and thus it was a PAINFUL memory that was truly based in my sadness for her children.

3. The 9/11/01 Events: I arrived at work the morning of 9/11/01 to find out about the plane crashes. Denial and shock turned into anger and sadness over the hundreds of lives lost in New York City that day. Immediately, I began to call my family to find out if my relatives in New York were still alive and okay. My memory of the event is attached to my job (I had a PLEASURABLE experience with the position at the Boulder Valley School District), who was with me at the time (I was living with my daughter Ginny and was in my own apartment), and the fact that it was such a tragic event has imprinted a sympathetic sadness for the families that were involved (not technically a PAINFUL memory per se, just the PAIN associated with all those losses and our inability to have stopped the incident). I personally was NOT there, nor did I lose anyone close, but I can relate to those that did.

As far as an emotional attachment to the Presidential debate, I don't have one. I believe either candidate, no matter what happens, will be faced with the ever-sinking ship of debt we incurred during the Bush administration over a war I felt was causing us to recklessly spend money on an ideology I never truly believed in in the first place. And the fact that we are still trying to rule the oil supplies of the world to keep monies in the pockets of the rich, while I watch my friends suffer from poverty, homelessness, drug addictions and depression, makes me really not like politics nor care much for those that care for nothing but getting rich off the masses....enough said....

Reassigning Our Personal Memories of PAIN and PLEASURE

Obviously, in our surroundings daily, we encounter those who think of anything from depression to imminent death and grief over a death to violence and suicide. We are going to encounter these people no matter where we go, whether in traffic or on a public transit or in a building or even walking down the street. We may be unaware of those who think this way, but I guarantee everyone reading this has encountered at least one desperate thinker this week.

On the flip side, you will also encounter at least ONE person who is loving and attached to a loving vision of the Universe in some way. The thoughts floating in a person who is in love with their God, their spouse or partner, their child, their friends, their life, will also affect us in some way by an encounter. The idea is are we consciously or unconsciously aware of our own thoughts and can we utilize them daily to have these moments of love and gratefulness that will influence others around us and in what way?

So this leads me to vibrations and awareness. Let's go through a typical day for you. What do you feel is your strongest emotion when you wake up? Do you dread going to work? Are you excited to spend time with your spouse? What do you feel you have to accomplish during the day? Do you feel overwhelmed by your responsibilities with your children? Do you have people you encounter that drive you crazy? Where does your mind go during the day?

So what happens to your mind when a major event comes across your plate? Are you drowning in daily drama? Do you find your passion for life is waning or is in full force? And when a major trauma has happened, whether it be a personal death you have experienced or an attachment to a traumatic event, what happens to your thought process? I bet nobody really ever asked you what YOU thought personally about a tragedy, or if they did, is it someone like a psychiatrist whom you have to pay? Who has asked you truly what you think and feel?

Now, going back to examples from this and those examples from your own life, let's make one of my proverbial lists. I believe often when we go back and analyze our existence, it often feels like a great accomplishment when we can check off a "to do" list. In this example, we are going to accomplish a list of memories to reexamine and retrain our brain to look at each memory from a holistic perspective.

Reorganizing Memories: Finding a Yin to Each Yang

Now that we have covered a basic understanding of the amazing enormous network of neuropathways within each person and connecting all of humanity, we have a greater understanding how one event, one thought, one act of creation or destruction can affect an entire bulk of humanity if given the right communication forum and attention. You can just imagine what might happen if we were to spread the word to change humanity into creating a higher minded purpose. What if one of YOUR thoughts and your intentions were to become a famous quote or the idea behind a blockbuster film or the catalyst for peace in a foreign country? What if we could collectively overcome the corruption of the elite financial few by just educating the right people that will come up with a way to actually implement a solution to world hunger? What if you are raising the next Nobel Peace Prize winner and it is up to you to point them in the right direction?

What is the irrational part of emotions with what you can or cannot relate? If you have a child or a friend has a child, when you see them cry, what do you think? Does it occur to you that once you were like that child? Or do you completely reject their emotion in some way (an outburst, a crying fit, etc.) and can't understand their change of temperament? Or when you see someone on the street, in a store, at the mall, in traffic, that is throwing a major fit, what is your initial thought of that person?

You see, the important element in memory and emotion is YOUR interpretation of that thought!!! It's the key. In my writings several years ago, I created a forum in which you can use gratitude as the key to unlocking potential. It is the same with the brain function of thought: if you see every experience as a learning one, whether you label it a good or bad memory, you can become whole in your life by allowing yourself to find the gratitude in even the toughest experiences! I know, it seems counterintuitive, but holding onto PAIN is actually the detriment of the self. I will go into this more in the next blog. Enjoy your week and I look forward to hearing from everyone who wants to share with me about your own experiences in these practices.

Let's further investigate these thoughts in my next writing.

What is Irrational in the Mind of One is Completely Sane in Another (Part I)

I have been facing some VERY strange life path issues today and within the last week. After having an amazing channeling session with my friend Joshua Magee (http://yournotthat.com/) about what to do with our lives once we acquire all this wonderful knowledge about the Spiritual development and workings within the Universe. I have been blessed by the answers, which include the fact that I AM always swimming in the right direction because the Universe will change us according to our will and our final destinations. We are designed to learn lessons in this lifetime (or recall those that may have been from other lifetimes) to teach us something, whether they be considered pleasurable or painful lessons (after all, our human selves react to ALL situations based on PAIN or PLEASURE). We create a thought form that becomes a belief based on our reaction. Our reactions, of course, are partially spiritually and partially genetically designed to determine our outcome responses.

For instance, a child goes to school and realized she is smarter than everyone else in her class. (Sorry, daughter of mine, I AM using you as an example). Her mother has spent a great amount of time educating her to read and to be aware of her Universe long before she even turns four. So her experiences within her realm of reality are based on 1. her knowledge base that was passed along to her by her mother and 2. the fact that she is already genetically pre-disposed to intelligence since both her parents were scholars. Now, within her framework, this child has a choice to use this knowledge and intelligence to baffle her teachers, to hold her superiority over her classmates, or to become lazy in school.

All these are normal responses for children to experience, especially in the realm of American school dynamics and the sociological upbringings these dynamics have manifested throughout the years. HOWEVER, my child responded to these "gifts" (knowledge, wisdom and information) with humility and often with questioning and wonder at the Universe, rather than with pride and superiority. So I am SUPER proud to say that this child grew up to be an amazing brilliant, responsible AND humble young woman who truly understands her gifts are also that and her Universe is created through her gratefulness. SO she took her spiritual self (higher self) into consideration and has been blessed because of these decisions. She created a world of positive feedback, which activates the PLEASURE center of her brain, to feed her desire to succeed in both her educational and her relational life.

I have several friends with children with disabilities. They are amazing parents! I don't know that ALL parents with children with disabilities are amazing, but my friends are. A couple of examples in particular have stuck with me. We had a young boy in our neighborhood growing up with cerebral palsy. He was a great friend to all and loved immensely among the kids. I watched how his mother, who had 2 sons much older and born "normal", was such a patient and loving and calm woman. I was so grateful and will always be grateful for her in my neighborhood because she was the mom-figure I aspired to be like the most. Her son turned out to be a great young man, who not only graduated with his high school class, but finished college. Her patience and beauty were memories that always gave me the feelings of PLEASURE. I used to babysit often for this young man when I was a teenager because I loved being around him and their family.

The other woman I am thinking of as an example is a childhood friend who still lives in our home town. She is also an amazing woman. In her case, she overcame a lot of family adversity and skewed belief systems that allowed her own mother to treat her very poorly as a child and treat her sister like she could not do anything wrong (both family patterning examples are irrational, but they seem to be ingrained beliefs that are deeply rooted). Black and white thinking is very abusive and also very common. In my friend's case, she has one son who was born with Autism. And I have never seen a more lovely example of a mother! She is such a wonderful, patient, loving woman who is raising her son to be so happy and brilliant. Her amazing tenacity and steadfast unconditional love shine through when she talks about her son. I watched her interact with him and it was apparent he is the luckiest boy on the planet to have a mother like her. He can integrate his PLEASURE feelings with those of memories with his mother.

If a child grows up with an abusive parent, in a controlling scenario, or is repeatedly rejected based on the family's "treatment" of him or her, that child may have completely different responses or reject their family altogether, depending upon the influences in his or her life. In my life, my father was and is a wonderful man. However, during my childhood, he wasn't around much. He had the responsibility, chosen or imposed, to care for many children financially (I am the oldest). My mother, on the other hand, was very Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde. One day she was amazing, supportive, loving, and created a world of possibilities and experiences for us. The next, she would be upset by something and would freak out on everyone around her and impose her displeasure those closest to her, mainly her children, and principally me as the oldest.

I was NOT a quiet child. I would fight back. So by the time my father would come home, it was just a matter of time before whatever really bothered her in the first place was stuffed and not dealt with because the most pressing issue would then become her imposition of her feelings on me and my blatant disrespect for not allowing her to rant and scream without fighting back (like my poor sister often did). My brother always tried to "logically reason" with her (he is great in that way), but often she would still fly off the handle and all the logic in the world did nothing to console her aggressive and often violent outbursts. But it was only consistent in the fact that we knew, eventually every week at some point, she would lose control and we would have to emotionally be prepared for a verbal lashing.

I was not a perfect parent, especially given these examples that were definitely and deeply ingrained in my psyche. Of course, they were obviously ingrained in my mother's psyche as well, and her father, and so forth and so on... I spent the first few years of parenthood absolutely doting all over my children and couldn't be apart from them for 2 minutes. I was a "supermom" type, but I was extremely unhappy without the balance of my own self-worth and career. I became a "martyr"--home raising children because my husband told me I was not "allowed" to return to school, which imprinted a very negative and PAINFUL bitterness that festered for years. I found myself in the same stale marital situation as my parents, and my kids' father was never around and he was truly never there for me emotionally because he was too busy appeasing his parents and put his work over his family. In the long run, the ideal marriage that was suppose to be a lifetime commitment was undermined by his inappropriate action to make all our marital decisions with his father's control and his mother's passive insistence. But that is not the point of this reflection today. Our marriage did fall apart and I left him because I had had enough being ignored and disrespected and dishonored. And it is totally okay not to put up with verbal and emotional abuse.

But in the course of life events after I went to college and before I actually left my lifeless marriage ten years later, there was a time I could feel myself slipping into the role and becoming the very mother figure with whom I was raised (miserable about my failing marriage, lonely, sad, and several times I lost my temper--yet I always curbed it and ALWAYS apologized to my children, which changes the story drastically). This subtle transformation into negativity was a shock and a horror to me! I never ever in a million years wanted to pass that to my children! So I left the man who was imposing these beliefs on me (male superiority, male and religious privilege, financial superiority, and emotional berating), and I chose to be a single mother. As stated in previous chapter, that didn't turn out well, because there were so many moments I was lonely and would not allow myself to be alone, which led to several bad relationships and several plans to escape. The PAIN center of my life was becoming difficult to manage, so I would run from it, but it always appeared in a new and different form because it was one of my life path lessons.

So the PAIN of the marital situation, which mimicked the PAIN Of the parental situation (I married a version of my mother), led me to pull my proverbial hand away from the stove and I chose to leave. Since then, their reactions (both of them) have responded to me out of jealousy, hatred, vengeance and my mother tried everything to ruin my relationship with my children. Once again, one person's skewed view of life being "unfair" and that because they were not given a break gives one false liberty to hurt others or martyr themselves. Classic Greek Tragedy stories. Which I maintain to this day were and are also genetically linked behaviors in humanity. Betrayal, however, is in my judgment and in MY belief system, the most unforgivable crime. Though this is truly not a reality (everything is an illusion), it is only an attachment that remains from my feelings attached to the divorce, my mother siding with my ex-husband, my youngest sister's betrayal by lying in court to give him custody (and having a relationship with him, also out of vengeance) and my ex-father-in-law still imposing his control by imprinting his male superiority onto his son and maintaining that belief system to this day. It has, however, caused my children and I GREAT PAIN and so we all have reacted differently to it according to our mind's pain reaction to the situation. I continue to write and fight for the just outcome to be done, but my three children are just trying to forget it had ever happened and run from the PAIN, rather than face it.

So we have covered that successes and positive feedback lead to PLEASURE responses and negative and dishonoring feedback lead to PAIN responses. We call the latter in psychology fight or flight. Obviously my most painful examples are used as thus because I am going through this major transformation with them as they are deeply embedded into my PAIN centers of my brain. in my discovery, I have established a median line: all experiences cause both PAIN and PLEASURE. For example, one event that brings a PLEASURE response, like meeting a love interest for the first time, may be the cause of PAIN for that partner's ex. The love interest (in my case, several of them) then finds himself wandering off or getting back together with the ex, both to avoid PAIN and instigate PLEASURE. And thus that first memory of the meeting of that person can no longer be thought of as exclusively a pleasurable experience.

Thus this leads me to my most current situations. I have found that a series of enjoyable events, mainly in traveling across the country with my partner, are not as enjoyable in my memory as they once were. We have torn apart the trip and both assigned negative consequences to everything pleasurable about the trip. It was an amazing learning experience and I definitely felt at the time I was swimming in the right direction. However, now that there are negative memories attached to each of those experiences, I have to reevaluate what is PLEASURE to my memory is not necessarily that to my partner, nor the other way around. But once again, the reality is that what I believe to be a great memory may not be what another would find as great. As we are analyzing our successes and failure over the last year, I have come to discover I find that most of our PAIN-based experiences were our greatest learning lessons, but our minds cannot fathom letting the PAIN out of our consciousness in order to let the experience go.

For example, when we were in Florida this past Spring, we made a 2 week detour to Orlando. We found that hotels in Kissimmee were by the national average the least expensive hotel rates per week of any hotel in the country. So we checked into a weekly hotel and had a few extra days intermittently while we were there at other places. We had made a little money while acting in New Orleans and between that and a tax return, we were able to get a 4-day pass to Universal Studios. That adventure, by far, was my favorite part of our trip and to this day the memories attached to the theme park and how we are both avid movie fans (thus why we own a production company) gave us childlike joy when experiencing the adventures we did. We rode The Hulk ride and saw The Blues Brothers Show and experienced Harry Potter's Hogworts Kingdom and laughed hysterically at the Simpsons ride...and the tribute to Lucille Ball and the Tower of Doom and the Jurassic Park ride...okay, I could go on. But it was in the 4 days that I felt the closest to James and felt that overwhelming PLEASURE of our closeness and our happy memories.

But in a most recent argument, as all couples do, we are stressing over money and our trip to Orlando came up. He is still angry at the amount of money it cost to be there and take that trip. That was a surprise because I thought it was such a magical time together, and it really hurt me. I was saddened by the response. Since then we have begun to talk through why it is SO important to create these memories that are positive. As I pressured him into staying the extra time, I have to apologize for my part in making the memories attached more PAINFUL than PLEASURABLE. In the apology, he has two ways to respond: accept it for an error in judgment and let it go, or hold onto the regret and not allow it to heal as a memory that carries both LOVE and FEAR (the pain of losing money).

This goes back to my example of parenting. If we make a mistake as a parent, we cannot expect our children to forgive us! But we can expect them to have a different memory attached to a bad parenting experience IF we choose to say we are sorry for what we have done. This is truly the only way to change a "bad" memory into a "good" one. This actually has a similar resonance that vibrates with emotions. We can either vibrate in Love or in Fear. I have covered this in many of my past writings. However this vibration, this memory, this attached emotion can only be totally resolved if there is a consistent change in parenting as well, such as in this example. Any experience that leads one to have to repeatedly say "I'm sorry" but never really mean it or resolve it, will then have to continue to get the same responses from the injured parties of such decisions.

So we can only lead by example. We can create great memories for ourselves, our children, and those around us. We have the choice to deal with all life experiences and attach emotions to those experiences. However, as I will further in the second half of my resolution, I will show that it is in the process of transforming all of these memories and thoughts into learning moments by NOT attaching a label to the experience (as I learned in our talk on Saturday with Joshua and his friends) that we are truly free then to vibrate only in accordance to our TRUE NATURE, or higher self, and only allow experiences that resurface to do so in order to process them, not to use them to fuel an emotional flame from days past. This process is not easy and I would LOVE to walk everyone through it in my next writing.

Meditation on Doubt - Why People Don't Want Us To Be Joyful

This morning I was meditating and led my thoughts and studies randomly to the book Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. I am a proponent that all works, whether claimed to be a direct line from God (Divine Source, Universe, Fill-In-The-Blank) are truly the experience of the writer. We are ALL here to have our OWN experiences. Therefore, in my meditation and reading I have found that I had a basic question I had of my Divine Creator this morning: Why do people want to rob us of our joy?

The answer is simple yet profound: Once we have the concept, enlightenment and revelation that all our experience is allowed and our life is Divine, those that do not have what we have become jealous and become our mirror catalyst to show us doubt. Here is what I read:

"...the ultimate outcome is assured. And this is the second great illusion of man: that the outcome of life is in doubt. It is this doubt about the ultimate outcome that has created your greatest enemy, which is fear. For if you doubt outcome, then you must doubt Creator--you must doubt God. And if you doubt God, you must live in fear and guilt all your life. If you doubt God's intentions--and God's ability to produce the ultimate result--then how can you ever relax? How can you ever truly find peace?"

This quest for peace therefore is fueled by the question of whether our path is consistent of allowing our Divine self to set intentions, to MAKE our own world, to connect with the Universe to choose to find happiness daily. When you wake up in the morning, what do you do? Do you first make coffee like I do? Do you lucid dream and write down your intentions of the day? Do you struggle to get up and several hours later you finally allow your brain to engage in the daily regime? Or do you arise and thank the Source for your life?

When you go through your day, do you have a sense of peace?

Once you ask yourself that question, then what is your next step? Who do you engage in to find community in your day? Your spouse or partner, your children, your coworkers, the attendant at the gas station or at Starbucks? Who do you first speak with during the day? And my question to you is this: how do you feel about those with whom you encounter?

The reason I ask this is because they are a mirror--do they give you grief, apathy, patience, anger, fear, resentment, affection, or love? What emotion do you see in those you encounter? Write them down. Go through a list of who you have seen today and write down what responses you have received during the day with them. Are you receiving more positive-based responses or negative ones? This is a crucial question because if there is an imbalance in what you are seeing in other people, then do you have doubt about your own joy???

The next part of Walsch's writing states that if you choose to live your life as the Buddha did or as Jesus did or "as did every saint you have ever idolized", those around you will respond accordingly. Here's what he wrote:

"Yet, as with most of those saints, people would not understand you. And when you tried to explain your sense of peace, your joy in life, your inner ecstasy, they would listen to your words, but not hear them. They would try to repeat your words, but would add to them. They would wonder how you could have what they cannot find. And then they would grow jealous. Soon jealousy would turn to rage, and in their anger they would try to convince you that it is you who do not understand God."

This is where the doubt comes in. When you encounter others, when you listen to your own inner voice, do you doubt your importance? Do you doubt why you are here? Do you feel disconnected or disjointed or lonely? Or have you made the choice daily to seek the Divine in your life and thus you encounter others who do not understand you? Do you find yourself attracting those who criticize your motives when you only want to be living a godly life?

Walsch continues: "And if they were unsuccessful at tearing you from your joy, they would seek to harm you, so enormous would be their rage. And when you told them it does not matter, that even death cannot interrupt your joy, nor change your truth, they would surely kill you. Then, when they saw the peace with which you accepted death, they would call you saint and love you again. For it is the nature of people to love, then destroy, then love again that which they value most."

When you went through puberty (assuming you have already gone through it), remember those feelings of doubt about yourself? Did I hit a nerve? I sure remember feeling insecure. I had no idea how to live and be a part of the community of other puberty-experiences classmates and still survive life with my parents who couldn't possibly understand how I was feeling and my siblings who teased me relentlessly (their job). I was constantly in a state of self-doubt. But in that living, I found solace in my spirituality. I discovered that I had a reprieve from my lack of self-esteem by placing my faith in a Divine Source. When we are young, we truly believe only the Divine has peace and joy and we will have to live here to suffer and to struggle. In our quest to mature, we eventually come to one of two conclusions: We are disappointed in life and we are unhappy when others find peace or we realize that we are here to be on a quest to change the doubt we are riddled with during the formative years.

So ask yourself today: which side of the fence are you on? Are you the one seeking joy or are you so unhappy or fearful that you seek to destroy the joy in another? Is someone in your life making you so miserable that you cannot be happy? Or are you working toward that peace in your life and another is trying to rob you of that peace? If that is the case, think about this--maybe you are on the right track and you just don't see that those who attempt to steal your serenity as a mirror in which you can find an area in your own life to repair your own balance.

This challenge appeared recently because we had a roommate who spent every waking moment attempting to steal the joy from each other member of our household. If my partner and I expressed love and affection, she would take us aside individually and badmouth our partner to us. I began to doubt my partner, my joy, my peace and my life path. So did he. So did our other housemate, who was led to believe she too was not on the right path. This person who worked so hard to steal our serenity was finally asked to leave. Her response for an entire week was violent outrage, anger, passive aggressive theft and actions that attempted to "push our buttons" and regain the control she doesn't have within herself. She even resorted to lying, claiming we were aggressive, using substances (which she told all the neighbors), and we were preventing her from getting her belongings (which was just the opposite: we were trying to get them out as fast as possible.)

This lesson has brought me back to meditation and to center. I am grateful for the mirror of her doubt and unhappiness because it has given me the realization that I am on the right path! Here is what I have discovered:

1. We are connected to a Divine that wants us to be connected with the Collective Conscious.

2. We are meant to be here to have a peaceful, joyful, thriving experience.

3. We are meant to commune with those around us who also have a connection with the Divine.

4. At some point on our journey, we may have a revelation that leads us to internal peace and thus we are less and less affected by the doubt of those around us as we once were. Trust me, if you have not yet experienced that revelation, we definitely need to talk.

5. The connection we have with our Divine becomes internalized. We thus realize the Source is not apart from us, but is within us!

6. We recognize that those that have never quite found their connection to the Source to be internal will continue to try to take that Source from those that have internalized it. We face others around us that want to hurt us to get at the Source they cannot believe is attainable within. We call these people psychic vampires. Many of them are within our own community and most often they are found in positions of power because they believe power over others will relieve their doubt and their lack of connection to the Divine.

7. Our role on this planet is therefore to learn to connect with the Divine, connect with others who thrive on the same path, and be as honest and open to oneself and others in order to show our Divine by example. We only have to be aware of it, be conscious of our choice, and then be content with our path. It's not an easy task, nor is it insurmountable. All we have to do is take our path one step at a time.

So do you still doubt why you are here? Did I answer the question well? I truly believe others rob us of our joy so that they can continue to live in a belief system, in an illusion, that allows us to keep the "status quo." The oppressors want to stay oppressive rather than be oppressed. Those with affluence want to remain affluent. The lifestyles of the rich and famous teach us that we will only be happy with recognition and material possessions. And those who use their beliefs to control others do so because truly they feel out of control in some way. This is a given.

Challenges are hard and learning from growing is most often painful. We don't want to feel pain. So we run from it or try to give it to someone else. It is easier to doubt our perfect creation rather than to allow the Creator to work through us. It is also a pattern that those that are enlightened (above referenced Buddha and Jesus being examples) are historically persecuted. So of course we don't want to experience this kind of destruction.

So I implore you to allow yourself to take in what has been given to you in this lifetime. Be aware of everything around you and how you feel when you are with each person. Take your own inventory of how you treat other people. And create a plan. And finally, ACT upon it. Don't just talk about your connection with the Source, seek it.

Remember that when someone tries to rob you of your joy, you are already whole and they need to find their own path. They won't need your serenity because they have it within themselves. So remember to focus on your own guaranteed outcome. And be willing to share what you learn with others. And if you continue to doubt yourself in any way, there are many of us who will remind you what you are meant to be and do.

"The beginning is God. The end is action. Action is God creating--or God experienced." - Neale Donald Walsch. Thank you again for writing what we already know.

The Smoldering Fire of Relationship Anger—Dealing with Depression, Sadness and Fear

The Battle Scars of Soul Contracts

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

My scales are shedding. I can fly high and far now. I can see the sadness and destruction among the trees and the barren lands that once were a beautiful deep forest. I connect with the species of the Earth that are now being eliminated by selfish and profit-hungry humans. I see the faces of the children in Africa and the Middle East, Asia and even in North America who are huddling in makeshift shelters and crying for lack of food. I cannot feed or care for them all. It is not within my power. It pains me and my heart sends me back to my cave to gather strength for my next flight.

As I return to my own shelter, both physically and in my mind, I am attacked by those around me! In spite of my strength, I am not strong enough to protect myself from their blows, especially their words or their actions. As I matured in my youth, I often returned from these trips of understanding to find those around me so blind to their own behaviors. I respond to their fire and claws with my own defenses, baring my teeth, screaming and returning the fire. Then I retreat to the cavern to mourn the encounter. I have spent years in my reflective, “Hermit” times collecting these memories and analyzing them for what they are: my attackers are reflections of my own Ego. Thus I must retreat and go deep within the cave and find out what I can do about my own kind.

Hurt attracts hurt. Anger fuels anger. I attracted selfishness, depression, sadness, guilt, shame, blame and fear. These are the fires I battle, the lessons I challenge. I honor my faults as a part of my scars and growing pains. I have endured many swords and arrows, licked my wounds, hid deep within the mountain, and recovered. But I will always be grateful that I can go back into these memories and see them as Soul Contracts with those I attracted. Truly, I have found that my deepest wounds, those times when I was injured the most and the cuts run deepest, were the claw marks and tears from those that I loved the most.

You may be surprised to find out that we all have Soul Contracts. If you haven’t heard of them, we can spend some quality time addressing yours if you wish. But I believe after reading this section, you will be able to recognize yours and start to heal them when you are ready. It is in our relationship contracts during this lifetime that we learn our lessons and grow into the beings we are supposed to be.

Simply put, Soul Contracts are the Soul Mate relationships that have significant meaning in our lives here on the planet, including our parents, our children and our closest loved ones, including friends, significant dating relationships and/or spouses. If you believe as I do that we are Spiritual beings here having a Physical experience on this planet, you will agree no matter what flavor of belief you adopt, we meet the ones we are closest to for a significant reason. We are here to learn and grow. We are here to fly and dive and swim and play and laugh. We are here to mourn and hurt and suffer as well. This is why we are human!

Many believe we choose our parents before we are born. This I understand to be a most important Contract because they are the most influential members of our lives early on, whether as a positive example for adulthood or as a significant challenge to outgrow and learn what not to do any longer. Regardless if you believe we were connected with any of our Soul Mates before this lifetime or not, we know that environmentally, our families play a major role in our development in all aspects of life. Most often, our parent, sibling and additional familial relationships influence our choices whether we are education-oriented, whether we pursue careers or are complacent in a workplace job, and where we worship our Creator or if we choose to believe in one at all.

Once we are in our Sacred Initiation, our choices for friends, our mentors and teachers, and our activities and goals are influenced by additional, long-term Soul Mates. Often, we make our life plans based on our peers, our dating relationships and how we choose to leave the proverbial nest. We often choose formative Soul Mates in our post-high-school years as well, both as potential long-term partners and long-term friends. I have seen a pattern sociologically that the majority of adults stay in touch with their very closest friends in high school and college specifically and then they choose to loosely connect with acquaintances from other life encounters as needed or in social situations (e.g. coworkers, community members, etc.) I am more social than almost anyone I know, so thus I have hundreds of friends and acquaintances. In fact, on my social network sites, I actually know the majority of the people that I am “friends” with on those sites, other than the business acquaintances I keep on the business-related ones. I believe it is important to maintain healthy and long-term friendships.

Our deepest Soul Mate relationships are in our private, romantic connections with significant partners, spouses and lovers. The influences they have within our psychic sphere are strongest because, just like our parents, there is a strong emotional attachment to these relationships. With the exception of those who are unable to attach emotionally (whether because of a mental disability or a social phobic disorder), the majority of us crave to be in a community. The basic need to be met in our Soul Mate relationships is the need to love and be loved. We are not meant to be alone, but everyone’s idea of a partner relationship differs by sex and gender, gender preference, belief system, environmental upbringing and connectivity level.

I definitely don’t mean to come across so academic when I write about what I actually have a lot of passion discovering and teaching myself. I am truly reflective and grateful for all my Soul Mate relationships, even the most difficult. And I have learned to be who I am because of each and every one of them. Again, the Dragon self must see his or her reflection in others and actually understand or be aware of that reflection in order to learn from the experiences. I can see parts of myself in every dating partner and marriage relationship I have had—both positive and negative traits. This is so important for me to be able to relate all my experiences in my coaching, training and student development as well. But this also has given me a humble perspective on my own behavior and how to set strong boundaries with others in order to respect and love myself as the Creation of the Universe that I am. I may have reflections, but I am my own being. All of us are unique. It is the beauty of the dance of humanity.

Relationships—the Catalyst for Pain and Drama

A majority of my psychological and sociological studies have involved the ideas of archetypes. This is both a Jungian-based academic concept and a sociologically patterned Spiritual concept to me. Archetypal studies and understanding these patterns gives me the basis in which I can become a character/persona of depth and meaning. Archetypes, simply put, are behaviors that are categorized and build a specific personality type. Every human role is an Archetype, from the Hero to the Magician to the Bully and to the Slave. To become a great actress, one must be prepared for a life of tragedy and sadness. This is somewhat a prerequisite to become the best of the best in both storytelling and in performance. How can one become a true lover, a mother, or a divorcee if one hasn’t been through those archetypes as I have? My life has been given the mosaic path of constant pain and drama of these Soul Mate partnerships to teach me my soul’s strength and life’s passion. I can’t have the perspective of gratefulness without the horrors of remorse and regret. With all my extreme experiences, I am just so glad I survived!

I wasn’t always a psychologically-aware individual. And even now, I can’t say my relationships have shown that I am actually a “healthy” woman or not. You see, most of my attractions and Soul Mate relationships have been tragic, destructive and explosive in some way, leaving the debris of broken dreams and severed family connections, either with my partner’s family or within my own. Add a healthy dose of “dysfunctional,” alcoholic-style behaviors on both sides of my family and the likelihood of a successful partnership was just sabotaged greatly by the attractions of others with similar family backgrounds. I heard once from a counseling friend that we can be in a room with 100 potential partners and we always attract the one unhealthy attraction over the potential 99 other more healthy relationship choices. It took dozens of these unhealthy relationships to finally see and break the attraction patterns. Starting early on, I allowed myself to become derailed from my original passions but it ultimately led me to where I am today.

Instead of reflecting deeply upon the hurt from each relationship, I can tell you that I have experienced many facets of these challenges. I will expound only upon the most challenging of all the Soul Mate relationships in my life. In 1999, I lost my children in a terrible and destructive custody battle that left the three of them and my Soul scarred for life. I fought back and regained my rights as a parent after two years of preparing for the battle, experiencing great rage and an insatiable driving force to protect my children from the same destructive belief system that was imposed upon me during the marriage. My kids’ father never knew how to love anyone but himself. This was not completely his fault, as he was raised to be narcissistic, yet it carried over into our family. I was content not to be in a relationship, desiring greatly to be a doctor. Yet the day we met, I knew he was the father of my children. Thus we were meant to meet as the Soul Parents of the three wonderful beings I call my Angels.

Unfortunately, this Soul Mate relationship ended worse than you can imagine. Those individuals, such as my ex and his family, who can never admit they are wrong and find that in order to support their own ideologies, they must find someone to hate and blame. I have even recently known of this continued anger and abuse by this family because they systematically and illegally kept my two younger children from having any contact with me. My ex-in-laws are the principle offenders, perpetuating a cycle of fear and hatred they started in order to control those around them. And they do it in the name of their god Jesus. But this too is a Contract I have faced. Unlike them, I am saddened by their inability to break free from the pattern and I am even more saddened that it has now poisoned my own children. Yet truth be told, we all have the ability to break free from these scenarios, often at a great price. I will explain further in another chapter, but those scars they inflicted upon me and my family run very deep. I am truly and humbly grateful for my own path, which allowed me freedom from such fear-based ideology and from the pride that comes from being stuck in such a terrible and infective dogma.

I also dealt with physical and emotional abuse from a partner who was bi-polar shortly after the divorce. I attracted this partner because of my self-loathing after such a traumatic event. With all the lies that the family aforementioned spread about me, I truly degraded myself and my worth. Now I realize it was a symptom to a greater problem and I am free from the degradation. Between the allowance of this relationship and the one with the kids’ father, I am amazed I am not vengeful or bitter. I am grateful for being able to let go what is not my battle. I lost my path and my way home during those times because of anger’s stronghold on my drive to fight for a better life and to battle abuse and control. I have experienced numbness and great loss. I have a deep and unending love for my children that will never die. And in spite of my true closeness to my oldest daughter who lives near me, my other two children are not allowed to know of this unconditional love I have for them and always had. And at the time, I was truly not able to express these emotions to them because I was so caught up in the sadness of the situation. Once the abusive and controlling relationships were broken, however, I was able to find new paths and new happiness.

I have been truly in love. I believe out of all the Soul Mate relationships I can honestly say that it happened only three times so far, and because of the controlling nature of the aforementioned Soul Mate relationships, I didn’t truly love either of them. Infatuation is not love. Placing one’s self in a position above or below another person is infatuation. True Love between Soul Mates is that connection from the Higher Self that leads two Soul Mates to connect on a Spiritual and Equal Level. I mean the kind of love that binds you and holds you together in a permanent connection with the other person. Soul Contracts are not all truly loving ones, but those that give us True Love are meant to change us as well.

I truly fell in love for the first time when I returned to Colorado from a year in Spain. I was in a short-lived relationship and ended up at a resort area. I met this love when we worked together at a hotel. We lived together almost right away, and it was always loving and generous and mutual, for almost two years. When it ended, it took years of sadness and remorse because he was unable to break free from his first Soul Mate contract with his children’s mother—I thought we would be married, but he was not allowed to make that commitment to me. I felt as if I lost my best friend. I had to let him go and it was one of the hardest experiences I have ever encountered, especially because it came suddenly. To this day, I still hear from him occasionally. I became a better person because of him. And he was the one that healed my heart from all the pain of the divorce and the separation I felt away from my children. To him, I will always be grateful.

The second of my deepest Soul Contracts was the tragic suicide of my partner (aforementioned in other chapters), bound together like Heathcliffe to Catherine, and tragically he was unable to let me go. I truly felt there was a Soul Connection, even though he was dishonest, unfaithful the entire relationship by committing to many other women, and he had no true love for anyone left when he took his own life. It started as an infatuation on both of our parts, and once he was on a spiral of self-destruction and gave up all the other women, I finally felt true love for him for the first time. But in spite of my deep love, my role was as a Rescuer and his was as a Saboteur, the destroyer of both my life and his. However, this was the Contract that broke the Pattern of unhealthy, controlling relationships. Once I realized he was not meant for me, I could actually see who he truly was as a human being and I felt all the love of the Universe for him. That being said, I truly understand the loss of someone close to such a tragedy and can be there for others who are and have gone through the same. And I am more than relieved that any of my own self-deprecation Archetypes (Victim, Martyr, or Damsel) had all been confronted and I broke through those patterns as well.

Then a strange occurrence happened last year at this time. I had spent years asking the Universe for a Soul Mate that was kind, that would share complimentary interests, and genuine. The day after I discovered my ex had taken his life, I went away for a weekend and met the man I truly can now say with whom I am on the right path. I desire this relationship to be a deep and long-term love. We are not perfect. I have had a fantasy idea of what I wanted and realized I actually have everything I truly need right now with him. We have been travelling extensively and now that we are settled for a short time, we can spend the time together to find out if this love will be true and genuine. I truly feel in my heart that I was finally given the opportunity to find that Soul Mate relationship with whom I can connect to the Divine. Finally, after years of attracting control to my independence, I am finding a balance and a calm and loving partner with whom I can see myself and I am so grateful.

Soul Mates, Stereotypes and the Impact of Change

Soul Mates are the reflection or complement to these Archetype selves in the Mirror of another Soul. As I have alluded to above, if we are a Victim, they are either a Bully or a Manipulator or something we attract so we remain a Victim until we are ready to change. But if we are a Shaman or a Healer, we attract a Student, a Seeker, or on the opposite side, an Addict or a Martyr. The Liberator attracts the Slave. The Artist attracts the Muse. It all depends what we have set up for ourselves in our own world. Many believe we set these Soul Contracts before we are born—thus we choose our relatives, our mates, our challenges, our teachers and our children. In my studies and my meditations and channeling, I have found that these ideas resonate with me, but they may not with everyone. It is each of our life path’s responsibility to uncover the mystery of what we believe and why. And we ask our Guides to let us know the truth.

No matter what that Truth may be to you, do not limit yourself to believe that one group has the market on such a Truth. It is in the connection of humanity itself, in the love and community and not in the separation, that you will find such a Truth. So when you look at your Soul Mates, present and past, family or partner or friend, look in the mirror and see yourself in their eyes. All humanity has the same ability to get beyond the faith of their parents and find the truths for themselves. Then that Soul Mate relationship that troubled you for so many years will actually be healed.

I have been so fortunate to have made some amazing friends and have reconnected with so many people after all these years. As I have expounded upon these changes in my life, I find it so refreshing that the karma we build early on can be the saving grace of one’s rebirth. In this lifetime, I have created many of these archetypal characters of myself. I have been given many of these Archetypes just by the connections, environment and relationships I have had. Like a diamond with many brilliant facets, these faces are all different sides of the same stone. I have experienced the Archetypes of the Curious Child, the Evangelist, the Samaritan, the Femme Fatale, the Saint, the Martyr, the Eternal Mother and the Sage all in one short lifetime. I have also been given many titles that correspond with my life’s work, including Teacher, Mother, Leader, Advocate, Actor, Visionary, Mentor, and Friend. I am truly blessed to have been through such pain, so many transitions, and yet in spite of myself, I have become the woman I was meant to be all along.

Archetypes vs. Stereotypes

Now, if you look at your own life, you may be reading these chapters and either feeling grateful that your life has been so much less eventful, or you may be mortified at my attractions or what I have been through. I have one word of advice for all readers and all friends and family: Judgment of another’s character and experiences is a limitation to one’s true understanding of one’s own Journey. Let me explain a little. You see, if we choose to create a judgment or a stereotype for someone we know, and then we label that person as being only that stereotype. But we know that all humans are much more than just one archetypal persona, so how can one be just one stereotype?

Here’s the difference: A stereotype separates us from others by lumping all characteristics into one archetypal persona. Archetypes are multi-faceted, with many positive and negative traits. A stereotype is usually a negatively connotative and shallow label that is created by a lower-minded ideology. An archetype can actually cross all stereotypes. But a stereotype limits the inclusion of most archetypes to its definition. For future reference, I can include a list of all known psychological archetypes in my appendices, but for now, just know that there are hundreds of facets to choose from regarding the archetypal patterns. Archetypes, after all, are traits common but specifically found in one individual as a part of their personality makeup. However, stereotypes are common references to a group, race, gender or living environment.

Most of you probably feel I was oversimplifying something you already know. This may be true. But these ideas are a lot more convoluted than they appear. In acting, I discovered early on that a stereotype for a role is only a blanket covering of the role. Remember, most playwrights and screenplay authors alike develop story arcs and characters that confront each other in some way. We have a Hero or Heroine who is chosen by the gods to be a leader and warrior. We then have a protagonist, an arch-nemesis if you will, whose goal is to harm or challenge the Hero in some way. Almost always there is a Sage or Wise Person who comes in to lead the Hero into a higher purpose. And it is always enjoyable to watch in a journey when the Hero encounters his or her Lover. Finally, there’s always a second level to a truly classic writing when there is a Comedian or Trickster thrown in for comic relief and to teach a lesson. The Jester or Fool is still by far my favorite character to write and to play. Each of these Archetypes can be a part of your own life and journey if you find them.

No matter how you find and recognize personas, they are there in front of us to teach us to change. We can often learn to be a stronger character by emulating those characters found in literature. However, the majority of the best writers and entertainers of our time have experienced these relationships as well. I challenge you to write down everyone you know who is in your circle or used to be. I recommend you write as many Archetypes next to their name as possible and see if you see a reflection, an Archetype you also possess, in the other person.

Now go into yourself and find out where you are hiding your depression, sadness, anger or fear. Why do you have these feelings? Are they specifically related to another person, especially to one of your Soul Mates? Do you have an anger that won’t go away and you can’t pinpoint where it is coming from? Do you suffer from depression or anxiety related illnesses? What or whom are you afraid of? Write down all of these answers as well and match your lower-minded feelings with those who caused you somehow to feel this way.

Finally, you are going to take all those traits and see them in yourself. Who saw any of these traits in you? Can you pinpoint why? Who in your life would you consider a Soul Mate? Can you actually identify the Contract you have to learn with this person? Is there a challenge or conflict associated with a Soul Mate? Are there stereotypes that caused these confrontations such as religion, race or age? And do you see every person you consider a Soul Mate to be a mirror of who you are? These exercises will help you identify where you need to grow, what you need to confront, and how you truly feel about yourself and others. If you need additional help going through this exercise, feel free to contact me or attend one of our classes about this center-based discovery.

Depression, Anxiety and Fear – Emotional Battle Scars that Stunt Our Higher Purpose

Do you have any scars? What do they look like to you? Are yours deep wounds or superficial cuts that need some TLC? Where do you want to fly next to find out if you are ready to confront or challenge your next Soul Mate? Are there any Soul Contracts you have or are in the midst of fulfilling that are painful or cause you to withdraw or retreat? Do you still have conflict with a parent or a sibling? And what do you choose to do when you are confronted with these conflicts?

I have had long fits of depression and anxiety. Anyone who has to fight for their own children does, no matter which side of the battle you are on. Those that control and abuse cannot actually become happy or find happiness because they will always be unfulfilled by the longing to control the other partner. Those that are victims of control will too never find happiness because they cannot release themselves from their victimhood long enough to be whole and complete without the oppression. I have been in the latter role several times, thus the Soul Contract pattern I had to break, first with my mother, then with my partners as described above. I too have gaping scars and sometimes painful sores that are reopened with the arrows of anger and hatred.

But depression, anxiety and fear are only mechanisms that hold one back from growth. In a recent lecture I attended from the world renowned Dr. John DeMartini, I had a revelation that led back to my first discovery of his material and those of my other mentors (both alive and long since passed). I realized that I have been right all along knowing that the past bouts of depression and anxiety were fantasies: they are nothing more than my expectation to be attached to the outcome of a situation. Yes, as a wonderful mother who lived my entire life for my children, I had my highest priority on their health and well-being, but did not have the capability and means of acting out these priorities because I was controlled and subjugated by my husband, his money and his family.

At the time, during the divorce, I attempted to take my own life. And when I awoke to realize that I was not truly the horrible person they wanted everyone to believe I had become (because I started rebelling against the inappropriate behaviors), I knew it wasn’t truly all my doing and definitely it was not all my fault. Promises were made to me during the matrimony that were not honored and most of them just flatly refused—many of them were fantasies because he was incapable of keeping these promises, such as equality and allowing me to be independent and have my own career. He was not able to live this way, but it was a lie going into the marriage that I did not foresee.

Also, I was a passionate artist, writer, actor and singer. These talents were actually neglected and I was “told” I was not to continue them. In fact, at one point right before the divorce, he turned off my phone, sold my car and cut off my computer access to the outside world. These acts are considered abusive by any belief and law. However, they are also reflections of a controlling system that wanted me to be the fantasy as well, to be “content” to be stifled and stay at home to do nothing but raise children and not let anyone else know of my anger and sadness at the failure of the marriage. To admit that one is wrong then would allow one the freedom to allow change in order to grow. I will whole heartedly admit I made a poor judgment and chose to marry the wrong partner. He was the Soul Mate father of my children, but our relationship was never meant to last under these false pretenses.

Do not be misguided by my words. If you chose to give up part of yourself in order to be content in a marriage, then you have chosen to change your priorities accordingly. My fantasy was that I had no intention of giving up my career plans or my acting and artistic passions, but was expected to do so and actually told to do so by my mother-in-law at the time, who actually controlled much of our marriage. Do not feel horrible about my history—I chose to be a Victim and a Damsel in this lifetime in order to break free from this role. I wanted nothing more than independence and was faced with the true challenge of being a Slave. It is an important part of our growth to wake up and be aware of this pattern.

You Have A Choice—Let It Go

Yet I can see that millions of people today still remain in these roles and these dogmas. I know women who convert to Christianity or Islam in order to please their idea of a God and a spouse, only to find themselves trapped in these situations. In the movie “Not Without My Daughter” the main character also faces this when she is trapped and kidnapped and taken far away from her family and to a Muslim country where she was not able to leave and return to the U.S. with her child. She eventually found a way. In my case, I had to leave the family without my children and fight to have them again, only to continue to be painted as the “bad guy” so they can justify what is still happening.

I know other women who don’t survive these scenarios. I met many of them in my lifetime. However once I met one of the strongest women I have ever known, Wendy Titelman, who lost custody to her husband who was molesting her children. To this day, she hasn’t seen her children since they were babies. And this was here in the U.S. Her case has gone to the Supreme Court, but the outcome has not been a victory. Hopefully, one day her children will too find out how much their mother sacrificed to fight for them.

I have every right to be angry. So does Wendy. So do my friends throughout the World, men and women, who have to challenge a domineering and unfair system. But the only True Freedom is that given to us when we realize we are all part of the Collective Consciousness. We all accept these battles, these scars, and these tragedies. Losing a child to drugs, alcohol or suicide cannot be any less tragic than one lost to divorce or religious oppression. Losing a parent or a spouse or a sibling to a needless accident, disease or war is horrible. Yet we all feel the pain together. How can we alter these relationships? We can’t. We can only alter the one part of us that is the factor within the relationship: Ourselves. How do we get over the depression, sadness and fear once and for all? We accept them and then no longer allow them to control our lives.

Let go of the fantasy. Let go of what should be. We know if this was a “fair” world, these tragedies and losses would not be happening to wonderful and spiritual people. But because of these atrocities, we have wonderful and spiritual people waking up and being born every day. Do your daily part instead. Stand up for someone you see hurting. Allow yourself to grieve and recover from these scars. Love your children and your spouses for who they are, and if you cannot, let them go. And if you have it in your heart to change anything in the World, change the one thing that will open you to the next level of Consciousness: Be grateful for what you have and where you have been, for all of it, because you are the beautiful Soul that was given these gifts and challenges to make you the very unique person whom you are. I am grateful for all of you, my friends and family, who have taken the time to read this and reflect upon your own lives. Do not live in fear, for you have everything right in front of you.

Taming the Dragon – Righteous Fire

Igniting the Righteous Fire

In this chapter I will explore the awakening of the Righteous Fire within myself and our society. If you will allow me to give you some background, I have explained more about myself and my childhood awakenings. If you read through it I hope you can understand that my journey, like so many, has been challenging and because of these challenges, I have become a strong leader but also I have created a strong outer shell. Like most everyone, I have been directly attacked by those around me, but it doesn’t stop me from loving humanity or those that are in true need of love, guidance and are willing to change. Thus I see attacks by others specifically toward me as a challenge and as a learning experience. I hope you can all have these same revelations.

From my earliest childhood memories, I knew I had one specifically strong, powerful and yet debilitating gift: Righteous Anger. I know now it is part of my makeup, possibly my past life accumulation of experience, but it comes from the childlike attitude that the World is an unjust place because there are too many injustices. I was not one of those girls who would burst into tears when offended. Instead, I would become enraged, often with bursts of loud, angry expressions of “that’s not fair!” and other times resorting to a wrongfully appropriate behavior, such as hitting the offender (usually my brother or one of the neighbor boys), or freaking out (usually reserved for my mother and father). I am now slow to anger and rarely allow it to get to me. Not that this is 100 percent guaranteed….

Many of my life’s relationships realized early on that I was the “strong” one. I carried a large stick it seems. I was a “tom boy” in grade school, though the label is subjective. I wanted to do what the Cub Scouts were doing, not what we were doing in Brownies. My mother was one of our Brownie Troop leaders, but my father was into hunting and camping and was excellent at carpentry and fixing up the house. From my earliest memories, my fondest recollections were doing activities like sawing wood and hammering nails. Between third and fifth grade, I started to become passionate about being able to do anything the boys could do. I had a train set and a microscope and a guitar and a plethora of collectible animals. I loved riding horses and I kept a detailed diary that was about how someday I would travel to all the cool and far-away places my aunts and uncles travelled. I wanted to be a doctor and I was determined to do it.

At this time as well I was cast in my first musical—“The King and I”—at the local high school. I was bit by the acting bug! I had a few parts in third and fourth grade in school. But this opened up a new ballgame for me. I religiously participated in church choir as well, which was such a gift and opened many doors for me throughout my life. I was a natural “ham” and a natural leader, so this was my outlet to shine. It was also a strong influence on my siblings because I encouraged them strongly to be a part of this world. I had a feverishly active imagination as well. At one point I decided I wanted to be a pirate and taught my sister how to be one too! I scarfed up books every summer as if I was starving for stories. I read all types of fantasies, from the Narnia series to the Dark Is Rising. I couldn’t get enough of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. And I loved any adventure that took me to a far-away place.

I also realized by fifth grade that there was a terrible rift between my parents and me, but specifically, I was always fighting vehemently with my mother. The anger started building when I would see her do things I thought were unjust. I am the oldest of five siblings, and by the time I was 10 I had a brother and two sisters. I could go into detail about all the stupid fights we had, but it’s not necessary since most of them were sibling rivalry. But my brother was also very angry and we fought almost daily. After studying sociological behaviors, I realize that because my mother had been so openly angry at my father and the injustice she felt about her own life, her projection toward me specifically and the rage she outwardly expressed on us as children trickled down to our own behaviors. As the oldest, I was always told by my parents that it was my fault if we misbehaved because I was supposed to be the good example. This was so wrong to me! This created a lot of the mindset I adopted on how to truly understand fairness and rightness in my world.

Friends, I implore you to know that this was a common dysfunctional pattern among parents at that time in history. I am not excusing it, but even cinema at the time showed how there was a strong divide between adults and children. There were the wars many fathers fought in Korea and Vietnam. The country was openly rebellious against the system and these wars. In the 70’s as a child, these sentiments were also rebellions against the system of gender roles, with feminism and women’s liberation. I was definitely a rebel and a critical thinker. My mother was a traditionalist. I resented the role as a subservient wife. I wanted nothing more than to be a career woman with high goals to help save the World. I wanted to join the Peace Corps like our neighbor did. I wanted to become a missionary like our friends’ parents. I wanted to heal the sick, travel the world, and get away from these systems. I dreamed about this almost every day.

In my childhood, we were also actively involved in a Christian environment. And I grew up in Wheaton, Illinois, the home of Wheaton College, the alma mater of Billy Graham and several other famous Evangelists. The town was infused with Christian principles and thus the hierarchies that come with it: Religious Oligarchic communities, supremacy of men over women through patriarchal conditioning, ultra-traditional roles and invisible ceilings, and children were to be seen and not heard. The community was also very wealthy as a whole and very conservative. This actually enhanced my chances to get a better and more competitive education. But it also gave us naivety, closed-mindedness and being closely monitored and sheltered.

I am grateful for the aspect of my youth that allowed me to be protected for such a short time so I could learn voraciously and know that someday I could accomplish these goals of becoming a doctor and a missionary. I chose the path that did not allow me to do either of these things, but now I see that my path is not less important by any means. I just had to go through the fires to get here.

Walking Through the Sacred Fire

Initiation in most cultures involves some sort of sacred fire. Coming of age for me was also of a sacred righteous fire burning deep within me. I had been connected to the Spirit at an early age. My deeply loyal love for the Creator was my own, not taught to me or ingrained in my environment. In fact, growing up where we did showed me that the majority of believers in a particular faith were human in nature, not actually believing what they subscribed to be practicing. And I saw many leaders fall prey to “sin” and “temptations.” There were Christians in my community who were unfaithful to their spouses, many of whom were pillars of the church. I have learned that many of my peers also endured hidden sexual intimidations from leaders of all faiths. I was fortunate—I only encountered my hypocrisies among my own family system and among my friends’ families. But nonetheless, it was the awareness of these “do as I say not as I do” encounters that led me to be more high minded.

There was still a strong propensity for bullying in school in subtle and outward ways. I was a “nerd” and one of the smart kids. My initiation into puberty was a dichotomy of blossoming knowledge and a growing distance between those of us who were adamant about our grades and the “popular” kids. It was fine with me. I had the long-term goal of getting as far away from this environment as possible. Meanwhile, I also had a strong desire to protect the bullied, the underdogs and the downtrodden. I couldn’t stand to see anyone suffer from harsh words, especially because secretly I endured so much of it at home with my mother. I also learned to “rescue”—this led me to many years of protecting those less fortunate and eventually led me to my current career choices.

Middle school was the hatching of hormones and discovery of the opposite sex, which I had no issues being around as a child, but suddenly I felt awkward and unable to approach with these newly discovered feelings and biological changes. As the Dragon hatchling, I needed a strong example to my rebellious nature and I found that in my aunt in New York. She was a doctor. She was my idol. But she was also very far away and disconnected. I wanted to be just like her, but I also wanted to honor the Creator of my childhood, whom I saw through the eyes of my faith. And I needed more than anything a guide to get me through the wading guilt of our belief system as well. Parents chided us, teachers scolded us, we heard the messages of guilt from the pulpit every Sunday, and we even perpetuated systems of shame and guilt amongst ourselves.

The Sacred Initiation of most teenagers of my time involved alcohol, sex and rebellious behavior. In our community, however, this was either less prominent or more hidden. I knew of things like marijuana and the psychotropic adventures of many of my aunts and uncles, distant relatives and what we saw on television. But we were in a bubble in our community, so I never saw anything. But the guilt-and-shame system of our adolescence forbid us from open sexuality, gender identity differences, discussing things like domestic violence or child abuse. We were socially forbidden and internally driven to be “perfect.”

High School, however, was my Sacred Initiation into adulthood. Besides my obsession with learning and becoming a top honors student, I was actively involved in acting and theater, student counsel, Spanish Honor Society, and anything academic. I found this diversity helped me connect with peers and friends from all backgrounds and I could see myself in the reflection of everyone. I was mostly devoted to Speech Team and became an accomplished speaker and performer. I am eternally grateful to my teachers and peers for leading me there. I was shaped to become the higher minded person I am because of them. I loved competing in events, spent hours memorizing scripts and perfecting my characters. I learned method acting, which obviously led me to my studies in social psychology, anthropology, political science and religious studies, all of which I incorporate into my leadership trainings and life coaching today.

To be fair to all my friends who know me, I could have easily adopted any belief system and become a strong leader in that faith. All my years of leadership training within my church, youth leadership, camp counseling and club organizing in school could have been translated into any system that honors a Creator element. I have studied intensely Judaism, Buddhism, Taoism and the Wisdom Texts of many beliefs. I subscribe understanding and commonality with all of them. I am open to all the understandings and ideologies of Shamanic and Pagan leadership—they just come at Creation from a different angle.

Indulge me to explain briefly a little further. You see, all my studies have come to the same conclusions about this Righteous Fire:

1. There is a Creator or Creative Force.

2. We are all connected on this planet Earth as a part of that Creation.

3. We are all made of the same organic materials that permeate the existence of us as a part of that Creation as well at the atomic level.

4. The nature of all humanity is to create order, community and find something to believe in, whether it is family or religion or politics or corporate capitalism or nationalistic identity. We are all part of a greater tribe. And we will protect our beliefs and our tribe and our deep-set systems at all costs.

5. We naturally rebel against our Creation when we feed our Ego and commit thoughts and acts of racism, classism, and social separation because we believe only our system of belief is the correct one. We actually feed into the nature of destruction and create more anger and rebellion than we purport to be fighting against. It’s the age old Cain and Abel story—brother against brother--Ego-based anger and jealousy. And outlying acts of socially unacceptable injustices, such as child molestation and serial killing and excessive violence, are often glamourized in our American society today. We feed into the fire with an excess of horror and violent films and video games. We create archetypes of these injustices through the internet and cartoons and we spoon feed them to our children. So of course we are dividing our society based on the one element that separates us from our Creator: fear.

6. Righteous Anger is a normal system of purging injustices by utilizing the tools we have to educate and incite change around us. Though many historical and religious accounts claim that God or the Gods are responsible for this kind of purging, it is actually a collective human philosophy to administer these changes among our own tribes and family systems, whether by law or by rebellion. In our country we essentially have Freedom of Speech, Freedom of the Press, and the ability to change laws to protect the weak, punish the criminals and honor the changes of socially acceptable and not acceptable behaviors. Of course, take this one with a grain of salt--this is not always possible or allowed by the higher control systems. Unless you are a member of Congress, a public figure or an outspoken famous person, a lot of these thoughts and injustices go unnoticed every day. However, it is truly possible to be part of a larger fire and create a movement to alter the social system. Often lives are threatened or lost in a rebellion, but it does change the course of history.

7. There is also one other trend in the World today. The more groups of us become educated and enlightened, the more there are groups that become hateful, promote prejudices and separate themselves from the natural progression of thought, community, technology and fight so adamantly against Oneness. The bully still exists to control the people. The underlying message of faith and hope among those who truly love and believe in the Higher existence is often undermined or altogether pushed down by those that want to stay in power, have resources to lord over others, and refuse to look at their own atrocities or behaviors. Folks, guess what? This is not any different from the earliest beginning of human civilization. But it has become super-intensified and blatantly obvious. The common citizen is well aware of the oppressors.

What is most fascinating is that I was angry at the World, not at my system around me. I became educated on foreign affairs and war crimes and human injustices and abuses. I saw killings in Africa, Communism in the U.S.S.R. and China, and human rights abuses in South America all as horrific atrocities to which I wanted to fight. I also joined a group against Apartheid in South Africa while I was in college for the same reason—I was aghast at how human beings could belittle and destroy each other so terribly based on race, class and governmental corruptions.

Now my fire is strong and I breathe it hard. It is the age-old fight against corruption and hierarchy and the desire for peace and a Common Consciousness. I am one of many. I am humble that all my life lessons have allowed me to see these truths. The “ah-hah” moment of enlightenment comes for those of us who are aware of who we are and know we all have a Shadow side but choose to live in Love and Light. The more I read, the more I see, the more I come across daily information from the internet and in my studies, the more I want to shout out to those around me about what I have learned.

Modern Cases of Righteous Fire

Today, we have seen thousands of wars in human history and a large number internationally in our own lifetimes. We read about bombings in train stations and in crowds everywhere in the World. Our friends and family are losing loved ones to major diseases and illnesses, such as cancers and AIDS and auto-immune disorders. We see the population of the World at an all-time high, but the incidences and crimes against humanity and the Earth are thus just as prominent. We have WMDs and military technologies that far exceed and cost more of our resources than medical care, feeding our people and education combined. We are relying on pharmaceutical companies and nursing homes to take responsibility for our elderly and their conditions. We are watching a record-number of children being born with genetic and environmentally-based abnormalities. The future looks very bleak.

You should be angry. I am. I can say this: be grateful for our current freedom of connection with the internet, by cell phone, and even connecting openly in person in groups and social clubs. Free speech can be poisonous, yes, and divisive, yes, and can corrode our society. So don’t allow it. Instead, keep your own personal connections with others. Continue to spread the words of hope and community. Remain loving and brag about your family, your children, your friends. Connect with those who you don’t often hear from online. But don’t allow this “box” to be your only source of connection!! Please, reach out and be a part of the bigger picture in your groups. And not just as a sports fan or an entertainment junkie. Be an actual member of society. We can continue to spread our knowledge, call out the leaders who are corrupt and unfair, and reach out to a hurting and fearful world around you.

Most recently, here in Colorado, a young man, seemingly “normal”, walked into a movie theater and gunned down 58 people, killing 12 innocent victims, including a 6 year old child. I am flabbergasted. He apparently tried to reach out, sending his entire plan and manifesto to his university that apparently was never opened or read by anyone. How could this have come to pass? Crazy thing is: he could have been any of us. Or one of our children. Is it so unlikely that with our 3D video portrayals of blood and gore that it is any less likely for someone that plays an obsessive game like World of Warcraft or Grand Theft Auto could easily find a way to transfer hate and fear into using real weapons and take out real people? But this incident has superceded all current injustices and the most news-worthy of the day.

But there are so many more injustices. I recently left Chicago and found out the average rate of shooting deaths is between 20 and 40 people per month in the City!! We also learned that in the city of Chicago, you are not allowed to have a gun to protect yourself and often concealed weapons permits are not honored. We are arguing gun control, but in reality, who is watching what our children’s minds are absorbing from film, television and the internet? What are we mentally feeding our youth?

In our travels this past now-7 months, we have lived among the homeless and there are an inordinate number of them that have served in our war with Iraq and Afghanistan and have severe PTSD. Why is this phenomenon not addressed? We also saw a plethora of families that lost their homes to the banking system’s corruption of taking our tax payer money but not forgiving debts to starving families. Food bank and meal lines are packed. Yet our U.S. Congress continues to cut back financial aid to the poor and downtrodden. We were lucky. If we ever needed help along our journey, I would ask the Universe to provide it and it came in so many different forms. And I am grateful that for many years I helped and volunteered and provided for others because I honestly believe that is why the favor was returned. But I am angry and hurt for others.

On the flip side, we met a number of people with plenty, many of whom we were able to become acquainted. We met other networkers like ourselves in our producing and filmmaking community. New Orleans is teaming with work because of the tax incentives Louisiana has provided for feature films. This came about by the vision of the community. We were on set with many amazing people, from lawyers and doctors to those who were retired and now act as extras in films. And I often encouraged any of the homeless families we met along the way to apply for positions in Louisiana as extras and crew. We were blessed to be in movies and television shows. And we were able to make a little money along the way to help our own cause. As a filmmaker, I encourage everyone to write to their Congress members to include tax incentives for other states as well. It can really help bring jobs to a community. So there is a solution for every little injustice, like our increasing unemployment rate, if we just find those answers among ourselves.

Igniting Your Own Fire

What can you and your friends do in your own community to create jobs? What are we doing to help the homeless and the displaced in your own backyard? What can you do in your own family to help an elderly relative? What can you say to encourage someone around you during a hard time? What can you offer in your own social groups to educate, provide for or ignite the passion of those around you? What are you teaching your children about the World? And what are you willing to change within yourself to ignite your own Righteous Fire?

As I come to the end of this treatise today, I realize I could easily spend my time on a soapbox and stand on a street corner and yell “the sky is falling” and it won’t do any good. We already know the dire situation of our own country, the poverty and the depression and the bullying by large corporations that led to overseas hiring and unfair trade practices…this didn’t happen overnight. I could go on about pharmaceutical price gouging and insurances not covering wellness and GMO food production that is destroying the nutritives in our foods. But you can read about these injustices every day, sandwiched between the massive press coverage of reality television stars and who in Hollywood is getting divorced this week.

So regardless of my good intentions to expound upon Righteous Anger, it is inevitably a part of our human nature. Power and control and abuse are an everyday event in our World. So the best thing to do is pray to your Higher power/Creator and to continue to connect with the Spirit and with your community. Inform everyone about these injustices in your daily world on the internet, in the office, in your mother’s groups, or at the gym after work. Do not hide from them. Do not ignore them. Be grateful for them.

Whatever you do, feel the fire. If you have gotten to the end of this reading, do not ignore the call to do something. Allow it to transform you as it has me. And we can all connect together to break the cycles of anger that are ingrained in our humanity, one person at a time.

I Am Made of Precious Scales - The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin

This is going to be the next part of the book I have started. Any feedback or interest in the writing, please let me know.

One of the elements of passion I will begin to explore more in this journey is that of humor. After all I experiences of Tragedy, I find myself drawn more and more to humor, to Life’s Comedy, and this is reflected daily by my partner. He has a great voice for his cartoons and often he can mimic famous actors or movies in jest during conversation. As I chose the title for this segment, of course, I can hear his voice laughingly doing Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” as he says, “The Dragon Grows and Sheds Her Skin” in his creepiest voice. So I put the lotion in the basket…and we go back to the story after a fit of laughter.

The burning in my lungs when I began this reflection took a long time to heal but finally subsided. The virus or whatever it was that slowed down my momentum is no longer hindering me. Now it is just blazing hot and I am in the middle of one of the hottest summers on record—we have been burned in Florida, stifled in Chicago and now overheated and lethargic in Denver. The return to the Foothills of Colorado was not a cool and calm welcoming to me like my past returns. We are blazing hot! My partner and I have had some crazy ups and downs while we were on the road, but now it is time to take what we have found on our adventure and bring it home. Our Journey together is not over, it is just beginning to take root.

The flight of this Dragon has been a powerful force, not just in me, but in the reflection of the man with whom I have found friendship and affection. It is funny. I gave up looking for a partner and he appeared right when I needed him. This is by no means a fairy tale ending. The seven months we have been travelling has brought the two of us together but it has by no means created the powerful production company our earthly partnership had intended to manifest---not at the moment, not yet of course.

The wounded Dragon has come out of her cave. She saw her reflection in the pool of water before her and she was frightened. She knew that in spite of his appearance, and that it was just as fierce as hers, she was not ready to look into the face of the Mirror. She soared high, gathered speed, shrieked loudly, and perched atop a high mountain where she shed her skin. She was growing in strength but it was only the first part of her growth. And when she returned to the pool to look again, she realized that in her own reflection, she caught his eyes as well and they both had grown.

This is truly how I have pictured my last two years of rapid change. I am finding my voice again. And have found my fire. This is where, once I finally realized where we had been, that upon looking back at our friendship, our joining forces, and our travels, there were really two trails of smoke behind us the whole time. We have grown together. And in spite of the pains, I am grateful he truly was there with me.

I began this path of growth and rebirth when I moved away from Colorado, but I have returned so many times because this is where I am drawn. About three years ago, when I was living in Miami, I thought that once I was geographically free from the torrid relationship I had left, I would find the “one true love” of my life. (I will describe the meaning of the relationship in subsequent chapters—after all, he too was one of my soul mates. Thus the quest to solve why I am here began). But finding my partner didn’t happen. I was sorely disappointed. I had opened many psychic channels which gave me the knowledge of the destruction around me but also gave me the hope of a partner to come along and join me. I have felt alone so many times. I remember often walking around South Beach or even riding the buses in Denver or the Loop in Chicago and I would stare aimlessly upward and beg for an explanation: had I become so tough from my life lessons, so removed from the possibility of a gentle relationship to break through these hard scales I had been given?

Around the same time, I met an executive producer in Colorado who helped to pull me out of the ashes after I left the destruction of my broken dreams behind. He gave me a purpose and I learned everything I could about the entertainment industry, specifically about how to produce a feature film. I have been on stage for years. I picked up acting after the divorce again, playing a lead role in a major performance that set my soul on fire again. I auditioned for many additional roles and felt the stings of many rejections. But I have found a path in film from which I have found comfort in my age and my appearance. Yet it was behind the scenes, dreaming and setting goals to create these beautiful entities called films, that I have found a higher level of passion. I am grateful for his part in igniting this fire in me.

Playing with the big dogs of feature filmmaking is not a walk in the park. You can’t pee on a few trees and expect to find the miracle in such a safe and landscaped environment. Yes, anyone can pick up a camera these days and make and independent film. But it is in the details of producing that the real magic happens. So I set out to learn everything and be the best top dog I could be.

The miracle didn't happened. Nor did the money. Nor did any of the films I worked so diligently to peddle for over a year. And the executive producer moved on to another female intern and refused to pay me what I was worth. So I left to start my own ventures. I then partnered with a new and exciting filmmaker and close friend in Chicago. We started the dreaming process again after we had a separation—the relationship of course got in the way of progress. The renewal happened about the time I had returned to Colorado for the last time from Miami, and when my world fell apart, I hung up that hat for a long while. So I didn’t work for the executive producer any longer and the partnership with the filmmaker too had dissipated in time. I was not ready.

After a year growing and working in the Spiritual community, I built a solid foundation of friends and networks for a youth program for other sensitive and psychic kids. My gifts at that point had been new, like the growing Phoenix I had become. So, I figured, we could all grow together. This was my blessing in disguise when the one I left years before suddenly took his own life. It was my community that held me and cried with me and was there for me. My sister in Texas was empathetic and for most of our lives, we have strengthened each other and I commiserated with her on many occasions. She knew all about my life. And she and I both share that Highly Sensitive personality. Thus we also share that propensity to choose destructive relationships as well as that conflict we call addiction. So many of us exist on this planet—the downtrodden and the lost and the single mothers who have had to fight to survive, especially for some reason in this supposed-modern day and age of reason in the U.S.A. The system never fails to hold down those who try to crawl out of the hole. So I figured, why not build a ladder and we can all crawl out together?

This ladder, or ascending path, is both the Spiritual one and also the career path that I am creating. How I see it is this: when the visions of our dreams succeed, both in reality and financially, I will be able to bring alongside those that we choose to honor for their part in our lives….actors, producers, writers, creators of all sorts. And we can create these visions together. So sure enough, my sister and I have joined forces to write out stories before and we will continue to do so. This is what sparked me to write in the first place, and our first screenplay together is still going to be our best story.

My filmmaker friend in Chicago has also had the Vision. She too has had the rough experiences of divorce, betrayal, raising teenagers and fighting against the odds to create solid films that will become legends. The filmmaker has succeeded where many have failed. Her vision is strong and that is why we went to Chicago as part of our recent journey, to join forces and create together. Businesses don’t happen overnight, and we helped to start the foundation for what she is building, but our company and our vision is to plant roots in both the Spiritual community and in the movie industry right here in our home territory. And we plan to combine the two.

So there are paths to show all sorts of enlightened ideals through film, television and media. We have the anarchy of the internet—that is enough to get out messages, one viral stroke of luck at a time. And it works. But this method doesn’t work for everyone. Fortunately, we all have a niche we are trying to fill so we will find like-minded souls to help us with our journeys. For instance, my filmmaker friend is American Latino, so her entertainment preferences and filmmaking choices will revolve around creating quality and celebratory pieces for her market. My partner and I have a mutual love for science fiction and fantasy (you would never guess with all the Dragon references, would you?), so our goals are aligned together with many other partnering filmmakers, writers, producers and artists. We have several of our productions set to be animated, because that’s what we desire to see immortalized and on the big screen.

My scales have grown strong and they are shiny. I am blessed. Many only look at their scars as hideous flaws or monstrous outgrowths of fear. Often growing a tail or horns is considered abnormal for a dragon. But if one thinks they are a beast of a different sort, of course that makes sense. It’s not all fluffy unicorns and angel wings that grow out of strength and courage. And not all fire-breathers understand their gifts either. Many forget what they have endured and jump right into the same fire over and over again. I am guilty of that myself obviously—I am an expert at repeat mistakes. But it doesn’t mean I can’t appreciate my scales, my scars, my tail, my claws and my fire.

In the same way, not all filmmakers have to have a happy-ever-after ending and not all good guys get the girl and save the day. Not all producers have to use blood and gore and zombies either, but heck if that isn’t the most popular genre of our time right now. If I could rationalize zombies becoming enlightened then maybe I could fit in to that trend. Meanwhile, I will stick to what I know, allegories and Dragons and fantasy. So creating visual fireworks with a camera, a green screen and CGI is real to me and my world. I would love to share my prolific world with others. And I am doing so one step at a time. My partner and I are writing and creating fantastical tales and sharing our vision. And we have agreed to keep going until someone sees our vision and helps us run with it (with or without zombies). So our tenacity will feed our hunger and we will shed our scales to grow greater and stronger with each experience.

My partner and I have had many firsts together on this trip. For the sake of our fans, present and future, and for the edification of our children, I will have to delineate these adventures thoroughly in blogs (chapters) to come. Since this series of writings comes from my heart and my perspective, I will do my best to fairly portray both sides of each story as much as possible. That being said, remember, I am not easy to get along with as a partner, wife or whatever I am called to those who are with me. And my stubbornness to be independent has been the death of many relationships before, so it was a Fool’s leap to get into a small vehicle and drive from Colorado to Texas to Louisiana to Florida and then up to Illinois only to find ourselves on our way back to Colorado. And as I mentioned, all this travelling took place in the last seven months.

So we will tell you of our experiences, our revelations and our voluminous collection of stories. But many you will have to wait and see on film. Meanwhile, as we are writing and producing our films, I will reflect on these lessons while elaborating on our newest adventures as well.

Now the Dragon is ready to take flight! She spreads out her enormous wings and cries joyfully as she dives from the rocky cliff where her fears were left behind. She knows she is her own being, her own reflection, but she seeks out the others just the same. The strength is not in her solitude but in collecting her family around her. As she soars above the dry and wasted land that once was lush and cool and green, she is saddened by the destruction. There were many fires, many souls lost, too many dreams dashed upon those rocks. Many have tried to blame the fires and the destruction on her and her kind. But every being is responsible for his or her own path and choices. Her flight is short—she must land to strengthen her wings before continuing. When she finds her own inner strength and her own power, she too can join in the healing of the land. She realizes, as she descends into the valley, that this is why she is here.