It is a strange time for a woman when her soulmate dies. There is not just a feeling of loss, but of overwhelming unexplained grief. I have only been grieving for a week. The love of my life died by his own hand on August 3, 2011. Our 5 years together was tumultuous and life-changing, to say the least. As I learned from the book Soulmates by Thomas Moore, it is usually with the ones we love and are attached the most that we are most challenged and bonded in Karma and Soul Contracts. Today, as always, I will continue to love him unconditionally. But today, I want to tell the world about what an amazing man he was, not focus on the sadness and self-destruction that took him from us.
I was struck with surprise yesterday momentarily by the stories and photos of happiness that surrounded us at the memorial service. His happy demeanor always reflected his joy for his life, sports, family and eventually his children. His active childhood was painted in picture to all by his constant wonderment, familial love for his father and his childhood classmates who all saw him as the child he was. But his journey into adulthood saw him pull away and change his outlook to one of solitude and rebellion. I could tell his stories--all the high school memories he shared, but it would dishonor what I am attempting to portray here.
I am not saying it wasn't difficult. Nor am I going to sugar-coat the fact that we were not always on the same page. Soulmates are often the MOST challenging and LEAST likely to be partners. It is not an easy road. All who knew him and me knew that it was only a matter of time before the world imploded or a nuclear bomb would explode. That is the kind of energy we created. Sometimes that energy, harnessed and yet unbridled, could create a whirlwind so great that it became love and healing. But now that it is gone and settled, I want to remember what was good about Zachry.
Creating a Picture of the Man I Adored
Zach did share so much of himself with me. His music was his life--he loved so many genres and had so many memories attached to his favorite bands and albums, from the Cocteau Twins and New Order and other 80's alternative styles to Chillout and Trance and eventually hard acid rock and modern alternative music. One time he made a CD for me that was riddled with new and upcoming bands and remixes of old classics by punk or alternative artists, from MGMT to Shiny Toy Guns. It was always a surprise when he put on Etta James or old soul albums, much to my surprise. His tastes varied based on his moods and interests--but in all, he had thousands of cd's and downloads in his collection!! I could never keep up.
What struck me though was when we first met and I took him to see Imogen Heap (from the Frou Frou's). My daughter and her friend ended up getting tickets to the show, so we drove together. But I had no idea that he had a fear of crowds and wondered the whole time if he was having a good time. But from what he told me, he had seen so many bands! There was a local Denver band with whom he was friends with the singer, called Twice Wilted (then the Tarmints and now the Overcasters, if you want to listen). He knew Kurt and told me how he loved to go to the shows. His love for music reflected in the way he communicated as well--some days, we would be listening to Kill Hannah or the alternative station in FC, the next we would be enjoying his thousands of songs on his ipod, in no way shape or form bottled into a single thought. When we first met, we listed often to Ibiza Beats, which I will always listen to for him. Even in my grief, I find that I am comforted by his sadness--Joy Division was his music when he felt like there was no hope.
We both loved movies. This was a passion for both of us, but it was a disconnection for us as well. We almost always watched something "different", whether it be a TV show, a film or a documentary. He loved the same ScyFy shows I did. He was an avid Doctor Who fan!!! (For Christmas this year, I got him a book on Doctor Who and Philosophy). Our favorites together were Ink, Formula 51, The Broken, and both of us loved James Bond. He preferred mindless but fascinating fantasy to my adoration of the deep indie film. But we both were just getting into Game of Thrones! I remembered seeing Inception and how moved I was by the movie. He thought it looked stupid, but eventually came around and told me he'd seen it. That's how he was--skeptical, often abative, and yet so intellectual and fascinating. He was also into a lot of horror films I could not endure--he loved the Saw movies (first 2 at least) and he often told me of others, like Hostel, that I would never watch.
He was really into cars and Top Gear, a passion he shared with his son Quentin. His favorite, he always told me, was the Skyline. When the kids were younger, I heard about all the movies and shows they watched together. Many were the same as the ones I also watched with my girls. But as they grew, their tastes grew as well. Zach was into No Reservations, Iron Chef (Japan), and Bizarre Foods. We watched marathons of all kinds of things, especially with his love for the BBC. He was passionate about their shows being "superior" to American versions of the same thing. Plus he always loved and remembered England as his favorite place to live and visit.
Zach's favorite passtimes with me were eating and drinking. We both loved great food!! He talked about his adventures and his travels and how he had tried so many things. So we started on this adventure to try new and strange foods. My favorite, of course the most unusual, was here in Denver at the Superstar Asian Cuisine restaurant. We had a meal that consisted of jellyfish, chicken feet, tripe and pig's blood soup--I have never seen a man close to fainting with that one! We had squid and octopus in ink out of the cans in Miami. We both ate dozens of raw oysters together. Once we were at Monty's in Miami and ate at least 3 or 4 dozen! We ate at all the hot spots of Denver. Last winter, we went through Westword's Best of Denver and started hitting places down the list--the Best Dive Bars of course were our regulars. He told me about all his years living in Denver and playing for Queen City. And his travels in Canada and England and playing for ERFU the Barbos. But he was always excited to cook as well. We would reminisce about friends he played with and his funniest stories.
We both love beer--the real microbrewery stuff too! My goal, I told him, was to try as many Colorado beers as possible. Our first date was at Mountain Sun in Boulder. The first place we went to visit in FC was Coopersmiths. We tried the new Fort Collins Brewery restaurant, Estes Park Brewing Company on New Years' Eve, Oskar Blues, Pints' Pub and Bull and Bush, my personal favorite! And on his birthday this year, we went to Leopold Brothers Distillery to have a tour and try some of the best tasting liquors I have ever tasted. He loved his absinthe too, Pernod was his favorite until Leopolds came along. And we frequently loved Lion Stout, Elephant and Paulander--all some you should try! I had to quit drinking so much because it was too much fun and too many calories, but I will always have fond memories of the times we had together.
Zachry had a special place in his heart for animals, especially with his daughter Qyra's fondness of them. So one time when I came back to visit, he had this little fluffball, Willow, who spent many nights keeping me awake by biting my eyelids! She became his "familiar"--she was always waiting for him to come home. She was the consistency in his life. I remember for years as well that the kids would want stuffed animal toys and there were so many of them! He really did have a passion for parenthood and he was a loving father.
Being A Great Father
Zachry adored his children. I know his two step-daughters were still in close contact with him. He also had a renewed bond for his oldest daughter, with whom he was attempting to spend more time. And yet it was his adoration of Quentin and Qyra that kept him going. I can go on and on about his weekends with his kids. How he was a stay-at-home dad for a short while. How he would purposely only spend time with them when he had them. But he was very stubborn in his raising of them as well. The frustration I had was after 5 years, I had hoped to see them more as well, but he kept his lives very separate. It was for the better to deal with his kids' mother, but in the end, it was the conflict within him not having them in his life that sent him into a state of despair.
You have to know that it was his love for his children that was his lifeline to this world. He created it this way, however, and it was not sufficient to help him stay with us. I do believe that his lack of self-worth was in the way. I thought he would be stronger, fight for what he wanted to be as a parent, but he usually would fall into sadness when he could not be with them. It was a rough road. I know I was a catalyst for some of his sadness, but it was truly his love for his children and his questioning himself as a worthy man that he struggled with daily.
I do remember that he took pride in Quentin's sports. He was always bragging about how great his son was as an athlete. I also know he was passionate about Qyra's Girl Scouts. He bragged about being the only dad actively involved in the cookie sales. I am also grateful that he had time with them at his parents' farm. He was truly wanting to give them the most of himself when he was with them. He was proud of the other girls' accomplishments as well, telling me about how strong and independent they had all become. I am hoping that they will know someday what he felt.
I cannot tell anyone why he would not try and create a more positive life for himself. I had always encouraged him to get a bigger house, or try and find a way to have more time with them when he was free, or to start learning about how to better himself and build his self-esteem so he could be stronger. I know that all five of his children knew they were unconditionally loved by him. I know that he was proud of them and maybe should have said it more. I know his wounds were deep and it was difficult for him to express. But they were his inspiration.
The Man I Loved
Destruction happens in a relationship when it breaks a threshold and cannot get back on track. Our relationship was one that was never truly "on track". It was fast, passionate, loving, abative, pushed every boundary and broke too many. I know a lot of the pieces didn't fit right, and it cannot be easy when one partner cannot be fully open, even after so many years. But I would not trade what I had for the world.
I am somewhat old-fashioned and believe that when a couple is 100% honest, it can help both sides to heal and forgiveness can be gained along with growth and wisdom. But it wasn't truly that way. I shared all of my life with him, my past, my hurts, and my struggle also with being a part of my children's lives. I too have been a wounded parent. But I am different--my two younger children are on paths that are not inclusive of me because of the imbalance they are experiencing, but I am aware it is not my issue. My oldest daughter is my best friend and the love of my life and has been with me for years, even when we didn't live together. Zachry and I went to her high school graduation this last May. But even in that, there is an element of sorrow because we struggled so much as a couple and it affected our children. So no matter what honesty we lacked in our relationship, it was a huge overhaul that gave me the strength to be 100% honest with myself to who I am.
We self-destructed in 2008 and I moved away. Even when the relationship was over, he still called me everyday. He never wanted to lose me. I begged him to be honest about what parts of himself he separated. I never knew what or whom I was competing with. But I do know now that he loved me with all his heart, and as I did love him with all of mine as well. In 2010 I returned from Miami expecting a warm welcome, and it was met with distance. It wasn't until we ended it again in August that the reality of our separation sunk in. I still don't know why I couldn't get the square peg into the round hole, but the old relationship had to go. We started counseling, every other week in FC. I didn't want to be together any longer, even after my return, but then again I thought it was still a possibility.
I moved back to Denver and I have been working in a spiritual community since then. I am grateful for my path! I have been called to return into working as a teacher, healer and community leader. It was the path I started long ago back in my childhood and teen years. But it took the renewal of the relationship with Zachry and its change to get me back onto this path. For that I am grateful. So with that in mind, and will all the changes in my life, I was open to renew our relationship. In October 2010, we started seeing each other every weekend. It had never really been "over"--it just started picking up the pace. The end of October, we had another downfall and I decided not to move back to FC--the only way this would survive is to plan to move in together closer to our work and with space enough for his children and my daughter, so the plan began to form.
Often with the Phoenix story, a new creature being born out of the ashes, the fragility of such a creature is often tested by its environmental challenges. I knew we would struggle starting over, but I am the ever-hopeful one that saw him open to new ideas and learn to change the way we talked and worked with each other. But there must have been other influences that sent him back down into his cave. We had an amazing time on his birthday weekend, but ended up in a fight, which could only be explained by the past resurfacing and whatever was hidden was getting in the way. After spending lunch with his children that Sunday he turned 40, it was never the same. Within a week he was withdrawn. And by the beginning of July, I had to find a new place to live and settled permanently here in Denver. He begged me to move to FC but I couldn't--it would put an end to my work here. I still returned to visit FC and he would come to Denver. Our short vacation together the end of July was difficult, since I have been sick for a month at that point. And I had so much to do between work and the youth organization I am starting that I was not there or available for him.
The end came suddenly. He had been to that point many times before, several with me there to bring him back. But it wasn't until last week when I wasn't there to work it through with him that he lost his footing. I had no idea I had become his only lifeline, but I had always hoped this would wake him up. I had the greatest faith in his ability to be rational and find a way to excel. I praised him for his willingness be open and change. And I always begged him to come to live between Boulder and Denver. We had been talking about moving here together, but I don't think he truly ever wanted to leave his sanctuary.
Zachry died last Wednesday night or Thursday morning. I knew that after 5 years of talking everyday that when he didn't call, he was gone. I finally had my affirmation Thursday afternoon in Spirit and called the FC police to check on him. Friday morning, his phone called me and I heard the entire conversation with the police and coroners that were there. I am devastated, but I am finally now able to let him go and be at peace.
I am so grateful that since that moment, my eyes opened, the Universe has given me a chance to work on what I need to do in my life. My daughter, my friends and my family have all been very supportive. Zachry's friends too have been a great encouragement and inspiration for me. I want to thank everyone for being a part of his life. I know that he has been blessed and has moved on.
I heard from Zachry after the funeral twice. Both times were through friends who are mediums and both times the messages were loud and clear. I am processing through them and would be willing to share them with anyone who wants to hear. I hope that in the weeks, months and years to come, he will be fondly remembered and his children will understand his love for them. As for me, I am busy building a community, adopting new "children" into my life. I am looking to start a self-sustaining farm. And one day, when I am settled in, I will plant a tree for my soulmate.
I will always love you, Zachry. You are truly missed.
