I am not going to "date". I am tired of going through the motions of meeting others, finding out the basics, just to realize I have no interest beyond the initial conversation. There is no "magic formula" for ferreting out someone compatible. And when my life seems more like John Cusack's character, Rob Gordon, in "High Fidelity" and I find myself reminiscing over the past crashed-and-burned disasters, I am in awe that 1. I survived and 2. I am still looking for the ideal partner. What the heck am I doing??
Now, for all my inquisitive and somewhat curious friends who wonder why I have run so far and fast from settling down, there are definite reasons for my irrational disappearing acts and city-hopping adventures. But it all boils down to this: I cannot be committed to someone non-committal. Thus am I searching for the perfect blend of commitment and impulsive romance. Maybe I find it difficult to come down to Earth long enough to allow others to be their human-selves. Am I gracious enough to allow my partners to be as flawed as I am? Yes. But I come across as a perfectionist of sorts since I demand it within myself. I need someone as quirky and yet intellectual and high-minded as me. All I ask for is mutual altruism and everything else will fall into place. (By the way, from my experiences, THAT is the mythological creature that one sees hiding deep in the forest in reflection, but it never seems to appear directly because it may not exist...)
My experiences in the dating world are vast and many of my anecdotes are hilarious. But truthfully, I question the rationale of the human longing for companionship--in the mirror, I look into my own soul and question, "What am I looking to accomplish by loving another human as my partner and equal??". I don't mean physically necessarily, though chemistry is important. Do I reflect these characteristics I want in a partner? Not always. So I need to be more attentive and show that part of myself more often. I believe I will attract what I emulate; so who am I when nobody is looking? And why do I so often attract those considered "handsome" skin-deep who don't have the same passion for life and humanity as me? Because I need to show my love for humanity more!
Why is it so hard to live with someone yet so difficult to be without? If we are truly meant to be "together", man and woman, or in any form of partnership (gender non-specific), then why do we create so many divisions of ideology, sociology and culture? Or better yet, why do others believe they can "change" their partners to be more aligned with their own narcissistic goals--as do I?? I know, I'm hitting this subject hard, but it is worth tearing it apart in order to remove the parts that are no longer necessary.
Soul Mates: More Than Just Partners
Let's dig a little. I am reading "Soul Mates" by Thomas Moore. Having a similar ideology, I find it refreshing that someone has uncovered a vast anthropological/sociological study of the Soul and Spirit phenomenon. I am a very Spiritual person. Many who know me realize I live my life in the clouds, often Olympus-style, as I find the archetypes of humanity and deity to be reflections of the same dimensional growth plates within the 3D human existence we call Life on Earth. Soul is often described as that part of ourself that is rooted to the planet--the way we connect, attach and communicate with those among us on this rock formation. You know how it feels--we have a strong memory of how life has influenced us and we find comfort and longing in the Past. Sometimes it's a place, a person, a town we grew up in, a school we attended, a love we once had, and subconsciously, a possible past life experience. These past attachments are food for our Soul's evolution. These are the seeds once planted that have painstakingly provided fruit and lovingly blossomed into familiar sights, sounds and smells that remind us of a more simple time in our lives.
It is contrary to our society of fast-paced intellectual pursuit: Soul growth evolves patience, memory, retreat, time spent in the Valley of Life; we cling to the closeness we find to those attachments on Earth. We find solace in those memories we play back to make us feel "human" and part of the larger community to which we bonded as a child or adolescent. Sometimes, when it comes to relationships, we have moments where we try to find those who were impressive to our Soul-life, like ex-relationships and first-loves, the magnetism of that first encounter and we dream of the passion of these moments of attachment before marriage and/or commitment. Often we find our inner fires flared by these memories--we often long for the excitement that will drone out the everyday monotony of growth that is expected of us in marriage and raising children. But strangely enough, it is the slow-burning fire of the everyday and non-consequential that gives the Soul its character.
The Spirit is the antithesis, the other half, of the Soul. The Spirit in our being, the "god"-energy that propels us forward; is the constant reminder of change and movement. This energy, as opposed to the deeply rooted longing of the Soul's story, grabs us by the hand and takes flight--allowing us to see that the Spirit is not limited to Earthly dimensions. We are nourished by the limitless creation of the Imagination, the soaring of the mind and the creativity of the life force that allows us to ask, "Why am I here?" We that live in the Spiritual realm LIVE outside the proverbial "box." The only downside I see to this love of living without borders is that we often find root-planting a tedious and mundane task. We lose the flavor of the first morning dew as it settles upon our ripening vines and shoots of tender grasses emerging within our own Elysian Fields... The Soul's job as it unites with the Spirit is to warn us not to fly too close to the Sun so that we don't plummet to Earth when our wings become too hot.
The idea of "detachment" (Buddhist principle of releasing one's suffering from our Soul-life and creating a daily practice of letting go) is fantastic if we want to evolve into a species released from memories and past experiences. However, I am now, for the first time, understanding the balance of Evolution within the Soul-Spirit complex as it relates to acceptance of one's past experiences!! Why NOT hurt profusely over that first love that left us empty and broken hearted? Why NOT feel the deep pain of suffering when a child leaves us in search of something more than we have to offer? Why NOT grieve and pine over the loss of the one love that we thought would become our true destiny?
Okay for example, the whole Star Wars series comes to mind when I grieve over the loss of what I would have thought was True Love. I know, archetypal and stereotypical, right? But seriously, when we saw Padme fall for Anakin Skywalker, didn't you feel that momentary twinge of Oh-My-God before we realized that the horrible beast we know as Darth Vader was once in love with a beautiful princess and lost the future of being with his Soul Mate because he was thrown out of grace and destroyed by those he thought he trusted? How freaking sad and fictional. Right? So is it better to have detachment within ones longings so that we avoid suffering? I say no--I would rather grieve a melancholy relationship's death than never have had the experience at all.
I was married once. A long time ago. I truly and whole-heartedly believed the man I married was "the one". I truly followed my Spirit-self and honored the construct of marriage as it was delineated within my own sociological belief system so that I could be the Perfect Wife and Partner for a man whom I thought would be the Soul Mate to my idealistic image of Partner. I followed the guidelines within my religious beliefs to a "t", thinking that I would be with the man who would leave his father and mother and cleave to me as his other half...
Hilarious. I married the wrong guy. I can't tell you who the "right guy" would have been. And truth is, my children came from this Union of false pretence, so hey, I can't complain too much. I have the most beautiful and amazing children on the planet, in my humble opinion. So I married the wrong parter in my quest for the Perfect Mate, but I have 3 awesome kids to show that in spite of my naivety, I still made the right decision. I was injured immensely by my own idealism because it wasn't realistic. But do I give up on my ideals because he was less than what I needed? No way! In fact the opposite, now I know who I AM so I will not ignore those signs in the future of traits that are not compatible with mine. We live and learn.
Earth and Sky: Molding the Perfection of Humanity
There are dozens of historical mythologies that explain the love of the Universe to the Earth through the use of Soul Mate language. In the Mayan Popul Vuh, we see that Heart-Of-Sky (The Creator) spoke into being all things on Earth. The gods Hurricane and Plumed Serpent (also known as Quetzalcoatl) fashioned the Earth and all life upon it. After the first group of men, made of wood, were destroyed in a Great Flood, a young goddess, Xquic, was impregnated by the fruit of a tree that was a god and gave birth to the Hero Twins. The Norse mythology was similar and just as infused in sexual union. Ymir, the first Giant, was born of the fire and ice of the Earth. First male and first female came from his armpit (how romantic). The great cow Audumla was born out of the ice, and he licked the ice into the shape of the female giant Buri. Buri's son Bor married Ymir's daughter and they had the first gods, Odin, Vili and Ve.
Adam and Eve were also formed by Yahweh according to the Torah. They also had children whom would have had to marry siblings to start the first race of mankind. The Egyptian goddess Isis married her brother Osiris, which caused his brother Seth jealousy and rage so that Horus killed Osiris and Isis had to put him back together again. In Maori mythology, Ranginui was the sky father. In this story, the sky father and earth mother Papatuanuku, embraced and had divine children. We see across the world the use of Gaia as Mother Earth and the Heavens are called Father Sky. Children born of the Union are among the great natural creations of the planet (ocean, wind, rivers, natural disasters, volcanoes, etc). Growing pains are akin to the Earth's shiftings and changings.
But these animistic and mythological characteristics are directly related to the human behavior that labeled them as such. Every belief separates MALE and FEMALE, MAN and WOMAN, GOD and GODDESS. Every story of creation and the awakening of the Planet has elements of procreation, connection of Soul-Earth and Spirit-Sky. the planting of the seeds and awakening and the blossoming of the Tree of Life. So I'm an idealist and a lover of poetry. And I stay young by finding these images among the clouds and meditating while on a swingset. What memories and attachments create that fission of atomic explosion between your Earth and Sky Union?
So what is that EXPLOSION within you? When does your fire and ice meet to flow into life? I love the mess. I hate the breakup. I miss the passion when it's gone but don't miss the fighting or the anger. I want the electricity that the gods and goddesses throw at us. But most would rather have the comfort of a nice wedding, an average home, a backyard for the kids, and a decent school district. Do I wait for that alchemy or do I give in to "settling"? And the worst choice is when we have to make that decision when we already HAD that passion and it's gone...what can replace what was once not replaceable?
Exp>Dating and the Tragedy of Comedy
As I mentioned, I have done the reminiscing thing. As we all go through processing grief, we either feel totally alone or seek out comfort and help through our sadness. Or we go back and rationalize WHY we got ourselves into the position of being in that position. Comedy out of tragedy: it would be great if everything ended like it does in Hollywood. But, of course, with the liberation of familial ties and marital bonding for life, we have created a great society filled with comedic tragedies:
- Men who are single are considered The Bachelor of The Year; Women who are single are still considered the "spinster" type if they choose not to marry or have kids by their 30's. When is a man allowed to be lonely? And when is a woman allowed to be happily single? Sexual conquest is the most celebrated and still controversial part of dating in U.S. culture in the 21st century.
- Like Zeus, Odin and Solomon, a man is considered a god if he has conquests. This is still true today among many cultures and beliefs. If a woman was to do the same, she would be labeled derogatory names. Why can a man have a wife half his age and woman not be given the same allowance of acceptance? Truth is, whether you agree with it or not, even if you find it disgusting or perverted, a man with a young woman on his arm is still accepted world-wide.
- A woman aging, however normal, is considered "washed up" according to our standards of false beauty--even the goddess stories tell of those who are given eternal beauty are blessed. But a man ages and he is distinguished. I know dozens of women who would still want to see Sean Connery in bed (born in 1930), but I don't know many men who would approve of a woman the same age in theirs.
- Women over 20 date for romance and marriage. Women over 30 date for romance and sex. Women over 40 date for stability. And women over 50 date for companionship. Men always date for sex, sometimes date for romance, seldom date for stability. But they too date for companionship.
- The best part about these generalizations is that, regardless of whether or not you agree with them, they are still true. Not always accurate but still true.
The most amazing part of my "High Fidelity" experience is that I am going back and finding all those ex's are actually either very interesting and most of them very married (and loyal, btw ladies), or they are thrilled to be in touch with me again. I am excited to make old friends my new acquaintances again, which is a pleasant surprise, thanks to the modern technology of the internet and social media. And in the greater scheme of things, I am thrilled to be myself again!! I do love those old Soul attachments and memories.
But now,
On the flip side, to all my gentlemen friends, I am NOT LOOKING FOR SEX. No seriously.
