A Letter to All Four of My Children: The WHY in Why I started this blog...

June 28, 2015

To my four amazing, beautiful, enlightened children,

I am so proud of all 4 of you! No matter what, you will always be my wonderful children. When you and anyone who knows us reads this letter to you, I guarantee there is no question as to the depth and the loyalty of my love and life. I know this is a traumatic time for me, for Consciense, and for my husband. Yet it is not the ending of a season as much as it is a beginning of a life path. I want you to be proud of your mother! I want the four of you to know without a doubt that no matter what, I am already the strongest woman you will ever know. I pass to you my legacy and my strength and my unconditional love, so that when that day comes that you desire to marry or partner with the mate you have chosen, each and every one of you will be supported and prepared.

I never want to see any of you suffer, but it is inevitable for one reason: love of another is the greatest source of suffering. I love each and every one of you so much that my heart bursts with pride, swells with pain when you hurt, and aches with longing to see each of you every day. If I am to die of a broken heart, it would be because one of you is hurting and needs to be comforted by your mother and I wouldn’t be there to let you cry on my shoulder. Since this is also going inevitably be the case, since I will be traveling extensively and since each of you lives in a different place on the planet, I cannot guarantee a physical shoulder for your sorrows or relief. But I can guarantee that no matter where you are, no matter where I am, I am ALWAYS with you.

I mourn over the loss of my marriage to your father, Consciense. Why I am choosing to write this letter is the same reason that I started this blog—for my children from whom I am and have been wrongly separated. I know that someday, somehow, you will see this; of course, if there is some unforeseen internet catastrophe caused by the destruction of society as we know it, then this will just be another lost letter, like the thousands of pages of journals I have lost in my past…but if there comes a day when you are old enough and wise enough to figure out how to find me and to read this, then you will know why I was so sad and why I wasn’t there for you when you needed me.

I can’t compete for the attention I so desperately needed and was given to others. I couldn’t wake him up. No matter what I said or did, no matter how I cried, or pleaded or screamed or begged, it was for naught. A year of counseling could not wake him up to my need to be the true love of his life. And his all-consuming anger with the court case left no emotional stability for us to express to one another. That combined with the stress of completing school truly zapped all of the love out of our relationship. A year of hot flashes, angry words, sad outcomes—nothing I could do would convince another path to be taken. No matter what I offered, it was discarded. So here we are.

I still believe my marriage had a chance until I went to visit you two in Virginia. I fought for our marriage. I offered many solutions. But when it boiled down to it, I was the only one fighting for it. There was no hope when he was distracted by others under the guise that his job was so much more important than his marriage. I believe the grass looks greener on the other side. That again I could not remedy if his attention was given elsewhere. Getting advice from others who didn’t really know or understand the situation was a detriment as well. And furthermore, he was already wrapped up emotionally in someone else, depriving me of the communication I so desperately desired and frankly deserved. I could not compete and refuse to do so. The day he told me he didn’t love me anymore was the day I died. Yet it was coming long before that and I was just too hopeful, too loyal to see it.

I want the four of you to understand that your WORTH is not wrapped up in how a person feels about you, but if they choose to emotionally give their time and attention to others and ignore your needs, then they have chosen to devalue your worth. I was told that my time and attention, my education and my hard work, my unconditional love meant nothing to him because I wasn’t cooking and cleaning and staying home as a housewife…the role as all of you know I never intended to fulfill for any length of time. It is a great role for the younger, more agile woman who doesn’t have half of her life gone and her potential is not to be needed in a greater capacity. Unconditional love and loyalty apparently were not enough. I felt dishonored and discarded. So he needs to find another who can fill that role and I have to move on to where my actual true value is appreciated.

There is also another major piece to this puzzle. Besides putting off my own happiness and completion of school for 25 of 29 years (four of those years I went to college), I waylaid my own accomplishments due to the nature of my destructive relationships prior to my marriage. It is my life’s mission to ensure that not one of my children falls prey to this degradation, but I am afraid all four of you are witness to those who treated me like I was not worthy of the very life I had worked so hard to finish. My dreams were always treated like they were unimportant in the eyes of my partners.

The REASON this is so important for me to share is that I am going to INSIST that all of you fulfill your own dreams first before considering partnering with another for life. It is a heavy regret I carry that I didn’t finish my mission and become a doctor. I had the grades. I had the aptitude and drive. I had the talent. It was never a matter of whether I was capable—in fact, I was on track to attend any of the best schools available. It was the partners I chose that kept me from succeeding. Narcissistic, unhealthy relationships are imbalanced. So are those that refuse to engage in acknowledging each other’s gifts. I cannot spend all my waking hours building up another person for them to completely ignore me and forget I am even in the room. You have all seen too much of that. I am worth so much more. I don’t deserve that and neither do any of you. I should have been a doctor, yes, but I will never regret having each day of having you in my life because you are my pride and joy. So when I say that NOW that I am fulfilling my dreams, so many moons later, I am doing so because I want you to see my strength and determination. I am doing this for you as much as for myself.

As far as the future is concerned, we will never know the outcome. But we do know that time has proven these things: First, I have the tenacity to complete every dream I started. I have discovered that even if it takes decades, I am still going to finish my goals. Second, my love for my husband is beyond all loves I have ever experienced, but I still cannot give up my dreams for a person that will never support them—it is a heavy heart that acknowledges that I cannot continue to be with someone who doesn’t tell me I am the most important person in his life because, honestly, I won’t settle for anything less. Third, I will always show you love of true family—that love is freely given to you four and to those who give it back in abundance. Family is not blood relative ties. Family is not conditional. Family is the true nature of true love—those who we have chosen and who have chosen us to whom we are loyally committed because they know that no matter what ever happens, we will be there for them as they are for us. So with that being said, I am always going to be Consciense’s mother as much as I am the mother to my own three beautiful children.

Fourth, my desire to be a beacon of light for the world is not some pipe dream. I walk my walk. I will not stop until I have made the impact into the world to create a greater society. And my reason for working so hard? The four of you. I want your children and grandchildren to have a better world in which to live. I won’t stand by and just talk about that world. I will continue to do something about it. It's not money that you need--it's legacy. We are not here as children of the 1% of the world's wealthiest families. So we are here to represent those in dire need, those we can help together. And from what I have been through in my life, I can offer such great gifts--hope, faith and a light at the end of a dark tunnel. We may not have a summer home, or a house of any kind for that matter at the moment, but we DO have a way to create a better society, one community at a time and with our talents together.

Finally, to make it clear, I waited for 14 years to remarry. It was not an idle decision on my part. I chose my husband because of his integrity, his loyalty and his spiritual faith. By the time I returned from my trip, apparently those qualities were sacrificed and I lost the man I thought I knew. It doesn't mean I don't hope and pray and meditate every day that he will find his footing and renew his Spiritual growth. Also, our inability to move forward together does not mean that you should not love another for fear of falling out of love. I will NOT recommend marriage because I do not recommend commitment to someone who is conditional, which is my personal experience in all my long-term commitments apparently. However, this doesn’t mean you should avoid love to avoid hurt. I whole-heartedly support true love!!!

I passionately want each of you to fall in love and find those soul mates who make you grow, who build you up and who will be there to dry your tears when you are so sad you can’t hold your head up. If you cannot find that love, I will also recommend you keep looking. You may not find another who has that kind of loyalty. You may find you have to compete with the ideologies of your partner’s parents (in my case, the source of a lot of interference and in my three older children’s case, the rationale for destroying the marriage between your father and I—he was told he would be disinherited if he did not get rid of me—his words). You may also find that your own insecurities and past experiences will get in the way, and if your partner is not understanding, you can’t work on your own self-esteem if you are busy being torn down by another or busy recovering from the rug being proverbially pulled out from underneath you.

But I WILL recommend finding yourselves. Each of you needs to find your own footing first. I will be there to help you through each step of the way if you want me to advise you. I believe that I know myself and therefore what I deserve in a relationship. Even though mine has failed, it doesn’t mean yours will. And as for having children, I wouldn’t trade any of you for the world! I will continue to work as hard as ever to fulfill my own dreams because I will be your example. I will be your guide. I will give you my strength. And I will always be there with you, even if it is only in Spirit. My love is unwavering. My heart is complete because I know I have you in my life. I will always be grateful for my past, even the challenges, and I have experienced that true, deep love that holds two souls together, so I know how that feels. I want to bless each of you and will tell you of those stories in my life so that you may learn from whom you descend. I love each of you with all my heart! You are each a blessing in my life!!

With peace and protection as your parent and your friend, your guide and your support,

Mom