The Smoldering Fire of Relationship Anger—Dealing with Depression, Sadness and Fear

The Battle Scars of Soul Contracts

“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help. That's the message he is sending.” ― Thich Nhat Hanh

My scales are shedding. I can fly high and far now. I can see the sadness and destruction among the trees and the barren lands that once were a beautiful deep forest. I connect with the species of the Earth that are now being eliminated by selfish and profit-hungry humans. I see the faces of the children in Africa and the Middle East, Asia and even in North America who are huddling in makeshift shelters and crying for lack of food. I cannot feed or care for them all. It is not within my power. It pains me and my heart sends me back to my cave to gather strength for my next flight.

As I return to my own shelter, both physically and in my mind, I am attacked by those around me! In spite of my strength, I am not strong enough to protect myself from their blows, especially their words or their actions. As I matured in my youth, I often returned from these trips of understanding to find those around me so blind to their own behaviors. I respond to their fire and claws with my own defenses, baring my teeth, screaming and returning the fire. Then I retreat to the cavern to mourn the encounter. I have spent years in my reflective, “Hermit” times collecting these memories and analyzing them for what they are: my attackers are reflections of my own Ego. Thus I must retreat and go deep within the cave and find out what I can do about my own kind.

Hurt attracts hurt. Anger fuels anger. I attracted selfishness, depression, sadness, guilt, shame, blame and fear. These are the fires I battle, the lessons I challenge. I honor my faults as a part of my scars and growing pains. I have endured many swords and arrows, licked my wounds, hid deep within the mountain, and recovered. But I will always be grateful that I can go back into these memories and see them as Soul Contracts with those I attracted. Truly, I have found that my deepest wounds, those times when I was injured the most and the cuts run deepest, were the claw marks and tears from those that I loved the most.

You may be surprised to find out that we all have Soul Contracts. If you haven’t heard of them, we can spend some quality time addressing yours if you wish. But I believe after reading this section, you will be able to recognize yours and start to heal them when you are ready. It is in our relationship contracts during this lifetime that we learn our lessons and grow into the beings we are supposed to be.

Simply put, Soul Contracts are the Soul Mate relationships that have significant meaning in our lives here on the planet, including our parents, our children and our closest loved ones, including friends, significant dating relationships and/or spouses. If you believe as I do that we are Spiritual beings here having a Physical experience on this planet, you will agree no matter what flavor of belief you adopt, we meet the ones we are closest to for a significant reason. We are here to learn and grow. We are here to fly and dive and swim and play and laugh. We are here to mourn and hurt and suffer as well. This is why we are human!

Many believe we choose our parents before we are born. This I understand to be a most important Contract because they are the most influential members of our lives early on, whether as a positive example for adulthood or as a significant challenge to outgrow and learn what not to do any longer. Regardless if you believe we were connected with any of our Soul Mates before this lifetime or not, we know that environmentally, our families play a major role in our development in all aspects of life. Most often, our parent, sibling and additional familial relationships influence our choices whether we are education-oriented, whether we pursue careers or are complacent in a workplace job, and where we worship our Creator or if we choose to believe in one at all.

Once we are in our Sacred Initiation, our choices for friends, our mentors and teachers, and our activities and goals are influenced by additional, long-term Soul Mates. Often, we make our life plans based on our peers, our dating relationships and how we choose to leave the proverbial nest. We often choose formative Soul Mates in our post-high-school years as well, both as potential long-term partners and long-term friends. I have seen a pattern sociologically that the majority of adults stay in touch with their very closest friends in high school and college specifically and then they choose to loosely connect with acquaintances from other life encounters as needed or in social situations (e.g. coworkers, community members, etc.) I am more social than almost anyone I know, so thus I have hundreds of friends and acquaintances. In fact, on my social network sites, I actually know the majority of the people that I am “friends” with on those sites, other than the business acquaintances I keep on the business-related ones. I believe it is important to maintain healthy and long-term friendships.

Our deepest Soul Mate relationships are in our private, romantic connections with significant partners, spouses and lovers. The influences they have within our psychic sphere are strongest because, just like our parents, there is a strong emotional attachment to these relationships. With the exception of those who are unable to attach emotionally (whether because of a mental disability or a social phobic disorder), the majority of us crave to be in a community. The basic need to be met in our Soul Mate relationships is the need to love and be loved. We are not meant to be alone, but everyone’s idea of a partner relationship differs by sex and gender, gender preference, belief system, environmental upbringing and connectivity level.

I definitely don’t mean to come across so academic when I write about what I actually have a lot of passion discovering and teaching myself. I am truly reflective and grateful for all my Soul Mate relationships, even the most difficult. And I have learned to be who I am because of each and every one of them. Again, the Dragon self must see his or her reflection in others and actually understand or be aware of that reflection in order to learn from the experiences. I can see parts of myself in every dating partner and marriage relationship I have had—both positive and negative traits. This is so important for me to be able to relate all my experiences in my coaching, training and student development as well. But this also has given me a humble perspective on my own behavior and how to set strong boundaries with others in order to respect and love myself as the Creation of the Universe that I am. I may have reflections, but I am my own being. All of us are unique. It is the beauty of the dance of humanity.

Relationships—the Catalyst for Pain and Drama

A majority of my psychological and sociological studies have involved the ideas of archetypes. This is both a Jungian-based academic concept and a sociologically patterned Spiritual concept to me. Archetypal studies and understanding these patterns gives me the basis in which I can become a character/persona of depth and meaning. Archetypes, simply put, are behaviors that are categorized and build a specific personality type. Every human role is an Archetype, from the Hero to the Magician to the Bully and to the Slave. To become a great actress, one must be prepared for a life of tragedy and sadness. This is somewhat a prerequisite to become the best of the best in both storytelling and in performance. How can one become a true lover, a mother, or a divorcee if one hasn’t been through those archetypes as I have? My life has been given the mosaic path of constant pain and drama of these Soul Mate partnerships to teach me my soul’s strength and life’s passion. I can’t have the perspective of gratefulness without the horrors of remorse and regret. With all my extreme experiences, I am just so glad I survived!

I wasn’t always a psychologically-aware individual. And even now, I can’t say my relationships have shown that I am actually a “healthy” woman or not. You see, most of my attractions and Soul Mate relationships have been tragic, destructive and explosive in some way, leaving the debris of broken dreams and severed family connections, either with my partner’s family or within my own. Add a healthy dose of “dysfunctional,” alcoholic-style behaviors on both sides of my family and the likelihood of a successful partnership was just sabotaged greatly by the attractions of others with similar family backgrounds. I heard once from a counseling friend that we can be in a room with 100 potential partners and we always attract the one unhealthy attraction over the potential 99 other more healthy relationship choices. It took dozens of these unhealthy relationships to finally see and break the attraction patterns. Starting early on, I allowed myself to become derailed from my original passions but it ultimately led me to where I am today.

Instead of reflecting deeply upon the hurt from each relationship, I can tell you that I have experienced many facets of these challenges. I will expound only upon the most challenging of all the Soul Mate relationships in my life. In 1999, I lost my children in a terrible and destructive custody battle that left the three of them and my Soul scarred for life. I fought back and regained my rights as a parent after two years of preparing for the battle, experiencing great rage and an insatiable driving force to protect my children from the same destructive belief system that was imposed upon me during the marriage. My kids’ father never knew how to love anyone but himself. This was not completely his fault, as he was raised to be narcissistic, yet it carried over into our family. I was content not to be in a relationship, desiring greatly to be a doctor. Yet the day we met, I knew he was the father of my children. Thus we were meant to meet as the Soul Parents of the three wonderful beings I call my Angels.

Unfortunately, this Soul Mate relationship ended worse than you can imagine. Those individuals, such as my ex and his family, who can never admit they are wrong and find that in order to support their own ideologies, they must find someone to hate and blame. I have even recently known of this continued anger and abuse by this family because they systematically and illegally kept my two younger children from having any contact with me. My ex-in-laws are the principle offenders, perpetuating a cycle of fear and hatred they started in order to control those around them. And they do it in the name of their god Jesus. But this too is a Contract I have faced. Unlike them, I am saddened by their inability to break free from the pattern and I am even more saddened that it has now poisoned my own children. Yet truth be told, we all have the ability to break free from these scenarios, often at a great price. I will explain further in another chapter, but those scars they inflicted upon me and my family run very deep. I am truly and humbly grateful for my own path, which allowed me freedom from such fear-based ideology and from the pride that comes from being stuck in such a terrible and infective dogma.

I also dealt with physical and emotional abuse from a partner who was bi-polar shortly after the divorce. I attracted this partner because of my self-loathing after such a traumatic event. With all the lies that the family aforementioned spread about me, I truly degraded myself and my worth. Now I realize it was a symptom to a greater problem and I am free from the degradation. Between the allowance of this relationship and the one with the kids’ father, I am amazed I am not vengeful or bitter. I am grateful for being able to let go what is not my battle. I lost my path and my way home during those times because of anger’s stronghold on my drive to fight for a better life and to battle abuse and control. I have experienced numbness and great loss. I have a deep and unending love for my children that will never die. And in spite of my true closeness to my oldest daughter who lives near me, my other two children are not allowed to know of this unconditional love I have for them and always had. And at the time, I was truly not able to express these emotions to them because I was so caught up in the sadness of the situation. Once the abusive and controlling relationships were broken, however, I was able to find new paths and new happiness.

I have been truly in love. I believe out of all the Soul Mate relationships I can honestly say that it happened only three times so far, and because of the controlling nature of the aforementioned Soul Mate relationships, I didn’t truly love either of them. Infatuation is not love. Placing one’s self in a position above or below another person is infatuation. True Love between Soul Mates is that connection from the Higher Self that leads two Soul Mates to connect on a Spiritual and Equal Level. I mean the kind of love that binds you and holds you together in a permanent connection with the other person. Soul Contracts are not all truly loving ones, but those that give us True Love are meant to change us as well.

I truly fell in love for the first time when I returned to Colorado from a year in Spain. I was in a short-lived relationship and ended up at a resort area. I met this love when we worked together at a hotel. We lived together almost right away, and it was always loving and generous and mutual, for almost two years. When it ended, it took years of sadness and remorse because he was unable to break free from his first Soul Mate contract with his children’s mother—I thought we would be married, but he was not allowed to make that commitment to me. I felt as if I lost my best friend. I had to let him go and it was one of the hardest experiences I have ever encountered, especially because it came suddenly. To this day, I still hear from him occasionally. I became a better person because of him. And he was the one that healed my heart from all the pain of the divorce and the separation I felt away from my children. To him, I will always be grateful.

The second of my deepest Soul Contracts was the tragic suicide of my partner (aforementioned in other chapters), bound together like Heathcliffe to Catherine, and tragically he was unable to let me go. I truly felt there was a Soul Connection, even though he was dishonest, unfaithful the entire relationship by committing to many other women, and he had no true love for anyone left when he took his own life. It started as an infatuation on both of our parts, and once he was on a spiral of self-destruction and gave up all the other women, I finally felt true love for him for the first time. But in spite of my deep love, my role was as a Rescuer and his was as a Saboteur, the destroyer of both my life and his. However, this was the Contract that broke the Pattern of unhealthy, controlling relationships. Once I realized he was not meant for me, I could actually see who he truly was as a human being and I felt all the love of the Universe for him. That being said, I truly understand the loss of someone close to such a tragedy and can be there for others who are and have gone through the same. And I am more than relieved that any of my own self-deprecation Archetypes (Victim, Martyr, or Damsel) had all been confronted and I broke through those patterns as well.

Then a strange occurrence happened last year at this time. I had spent years asking the Universe for a Soul Mate that was kind, that would share complimentary interests, and genuine. The day after I discovered my ex had taken his life, I went away for a weekend and met the man I truly can now say with whom I am on the right path. I desire this relationship to be a deep and long-term love. We are not perfect. I have had a fantasy idea of what I wanted and realized I actually have everything I truly need right now with him. We have been travelling extensively and now that we are settled for a short time, we can spend the time together to find out if this love will be true and genuine. I truly feel in my heart that I was finally given the opportunity to find that Soul Mate relationship with whom I can connect to the Divine. Finally, after years of attracting control to my independence, I am finding a balance and a calm and loving partner with whom I can see myself and I am so grateful.

Soul Mates, Stereotypes and the Impact of Change

Soul Mates are the reflection or complement to these Archetype selves in the Mirror of another Soul. As I have alluded to above, if we are a Victim, they are either a Bully or a Manipulator or something we attract so we remain a Victim until we are ready to change. But if we are a Shaman or a Healer, we attract a Student, a Seeker, or on the opposite side, an Addict or a Martyr. The Liberator attracts the Slave. The Artist attracts the Muse. It all depends what we have set up for ourselves in our own world. Many believe we set these Soul Contracts before we are born—thus we choose our relatives, our mates, our challenges, our teachers and our children. In my studies and my meditations and channeling, I have found that these ideas resonate with me, but they may not with everyone. It is each of our life path’s responsibility to uncover the mystery of what we believe and why. And we ask our Guides to let us know the truth.

No matter what that Truth may be to you, do not limit yourself to believe that one group has the market on such a Truth. It is in the connection of humanity itself, in the love and community and not in the separation, that you will find such a Truth. So when you look at your Soul Mates, present and past, family or partner or friend, look in the mirror and see yourself in their eyes. All humanity has the same ability to get beyond the faith of their parents and find the truths for themselves. Then that Soul Mate relationship that troubled you for so many years will actually be healed.

I have been so fortunate to have made some amazing friends and have reconnected with so many people after all these years. As I have expounded upon these changes in my life, I find it so refreshing that the karma we build early on can be the saving grace of one’s rebirth. In this lifetime, I have created many of these archetypal characters of myself. I have been given many of these Archetypes just by the connections, environment and relationships I have had. Like a diamond with many brilliant facets, these faces are all different sides of the same stone. I have experienced the Archetypes of the Curious Child, the Evangelist, the Samaritan, the Femme Fatale, the Saint, the Martyr, the Eternal Mother and the Sage all in one short lifetime. I have also been given many titles that correspond with my life’s work, including Teacher, Mother, Leader, Advocate, Actor, Visionary, Mentor, and Friend. I am truly blessed to have been through such pain, so many transitions, and yet in spite of myself, I have become the woman I was meant to be all along.

Archetypes vs. Stereotypes

Now, if you look at your own life, you may be reading these chapters and either feeling grateful that your life has been so much less eventful, or you may be mortified at my attractions or what I have been through. I have one word of advice for all readers and all friends and family: Judgment of another’s character and experiences is a limitation to one’s true understanding of one’s own Journey. Let me explain a little. You see, if we choose to create a judgment or a stereotype for someone we know, and then we label that person as being only that stereotype. But we know that all humans are much more than just one archetypal persona, so how can one be just one stereotype?

Here’s the difference: A stereotype separates us from others by lumping all characteristics into one archetypal persona. Archetypes are multi-faceted, with many positive and negative traits. A stereotype is usually a negatively connotative and shallow label that is created by a lower-minded ideology. An archetype can actually cross all stereotypes. But a stereotype limits the inclusion of most archetypes to its definition. For future reference, I can include a list of all known psychological archetypes in my appendices, but for now, just know that there are hundreds of facets to choose from regarding the archetypal patterns. Archetypes, after all, are traits common but specifically found in one individual as a part of their personality makeup. However, stereotypes are common references to a group, race, gender or living environment.

Most of you probably feel I was oversimplifying something you already know. This may be true. But these ideas are a lot more convoluted than they appear. In acting, I discovered early on that a stereotype for a role is only a blanket covering of the role. Remember, most playwrights and screenplay authors alike develop story arcs and characters that confront each other in some way. We have a Hero or Heroine who is chosen by the gods to be a leader and warrior. We then have a protagonist, an arch-nemesis if you will, whose goal is to harm or challenge the Hero in some way. Almost always there is a Sage or Wise Person who comes in to lead the Hero into a higher purpose. And it is always enjoyable to watch in a journey when the Hero encounters his or her Lover. Finally, there’s always a second level to a truly classic writing when there is a Comedian or Trickster thrown in for comic relief and to teach a lesson. The Jester or Fool is still by far my favorite character to write and to play. Each of these Archetypes can be a part of your own life and journey if you find them.

No matter how you find and recognize personas, they are there in front of us to teach us to change. We can often learn to be a stronger character by emulating those characters found in literature. However, the majority of the best writers and entertainers of our time have experienced these relationships as well. I challenge you to write down everyone you know who is in your circle or used to be. I recommend you write as many Archetypes next to their name as possible and see if you see a reflection, an Archetype you also possess, in the other person.

Now go into yourself and find out where you are hiding your depression, sadness, anger or fear. Why do you have these feelings? Are they specifically related to another person, especially to one of your Soul Mates? Do you have an anger that won’t go away and you can’t pinpoint where it is coming from? Do you suffer from depression or anxiety related illnesses? What or whom are you afraid of? Write down all of these answers as well and match your lower-minded feelings with those who caused you somehow to feel this way.

Finally, you are going to take all those traits and see them in yourself. Who saw any of these traits in you? Can you pinpoint why? Who in your life would you consider a Soul Mate? Can you actually identify the Contract you have to learn with this person? Is there a challenge or conflict associated with a Soul Mate? Are there stereotypes that caused these confrontations such as religion, race or age? And do you see every person you consider a Soul Mate to be a mirror of who you are? These exercises will help you identify where you need to grow, what you need to confront, and how you truly feel about yourself and others. If you need additional help going through this exercise, feel free to contact me or attend one of our classes about this center-based discovery.

Depression, Anxiety and Fear – Emotional Battle Scars that Stunt Our Higher Purpose

Do you have any scars? What do they look like to you? Are yours deep wounds or superficial cuts that need some TLC? Where do you want to fly next to find out if you are ready to confront or challenge your next Soul Mate? Are there any Soul Contracts you have or are in the midst of fulfilling that are painful or cause you to withdraw or retreat? Do you still have conflict with a parent or a sibling? And what do you choose to do when you are confronted with these conflicts?

I have had long fits of depression and anxiety. Anyone who has to fight for their own children does, no matter which side of the battle you are on. Those that control and abuse cannot actually become happy or find happiness because they will always be unfulfilled by the longing to control the other partner. Those that are victims of control will too never find happiness because they cannot release themselves from their victimhood long enough to be whole and complete without the oppression. I have been in the latter role several times, thus the Soul Contract pattern I had to break, first with my mother, then with my partners as described above. I too have gaping scars and sometimes painful sores that are reopened with the arrows of anger and hatred.

But depression, anxiety and fear are only mechanisms that hold one back from growth. In a recent lecture I attended from the world renowned Dr. John DeMartini, I had a revelation that led back to my first discovery of his material and those of my other mentors (both alive and long since passed). I realized that I have been right all along knowing that the past bouts of depression and anxiety were fantasies: they are nothing more than my expectation to be attached to the outcome of a situation. Yes, as a wonderful mother who lived my entire life for my children, I had my highest priority on their health and well-being, but did not have the capability and means of acting out these priorities because I was controlled and subjugated by my husband, his money and his family.

At the time, during the divorce, I attempted to take my own life. And when I awoke to realize that I was not truly the horrible person they wanted everyone to believe I had become (because I started rebelling against the inappropriate behaviors), I knew it wasn’t truly all my doing and definitely it was not all my fault. Promises were made to me during the matrimony that were not honored and most of them just flatly refused—many of them were fantasies because he was incapable of keeping these promises, such as equality and allowing me to be independent and have my own career. He was not able to live this way, but it was a lie going into the marriage that I did not foresee.

Also, I was a passionate artist, writer, actor and singer. These talents were actually neglected and I was “told” I was not to continue them. In fact, at one point right before the divorce, he turned off my phone, sold my car and cut off my computer access to the outside world. These acts are considered abusive by any belief and law. However, they are also reflections of a controlling system that wanted me to be the fantasy as well, to be “content” to be stifled and stay at home to do nothing but raise children and not let anyone else know of my anger and sadness at the failure of the marriage. To admit that one is wrong then would allow one the freedom to allow change in order to grow. I will whole heartedly admit I made a poor judgment and chose to marry the wrong partner. He was the Soul Mate father of my children, but our relationship was never meant to last under these false pretenses.

Do not be misguided by my words. If you chose to give up part of yourself in order to be content in a marriage, then you have chosen to change your priorities accordingly. My fantasy was that I had no intention of giving up my career plans or my acting and artistic passions, but was expected to do so and actually told to do so by my mother-in-law at the time, who actually controlled much of our marriage. Do not feel horrible about my history—I chose to be a Victim and a Damsel in this lifetime in order to break free from this role. I wanted nothing more than independence and was faced with the true challenge of being a Slave. It is an important part of our growth to wake up and be aware of this pattern.

You Have A Choice—Let It Go

Yet I can see that millions of people today still remain in these roles and these dogmas. I know women who convert to Christianity or Islam in order to please their idea of a God and a spouse, only to find themselves trapped in these situations. In the movie “Not Without My Daughter” the main character also faces this when she is trapped and kidnapped and taken far away from her family and to a Muslim country where she was not able to leave and return to the U.S. with her child. She eventually found a way. In my case, I had to leave the family without my children and fight to have them again, only to continue to be painted as the “bad guy” so they can justify what is still happening.

I know other women who don’t survive these scenarios. I met many of them in my lifetime. However once I met one of the strongest women I have ever known, Wendy Titelman, who lost custody to her husband who was molesting her children. To this day, she hasn’t seen her children since they were babies. And this was here in the U.S. Her case has gone to the Supreme Court, but the outcome has not been a victory. Hopefully, one day her children will too find out how much their mother sacrificed to fight for them.

I have every right to be angry. So does Wendy. So do my friends throughout the World, men and women, who have to challenge a domineering and unfair system. But the only True Freedom is that given to us when we realize we are all part of the Collective Consciousness. We all accept these battles, these scars, and these tragedies. Losing a child to drugs, alcohol or suicide cannot be any less tragic than one lost to divorce or religious oppression. Losing a parent or a spouse or a sibling to a needless accident, disease or war is horrible. Yet we all feel the pain together. How can we alter these relationships? We can’t. We can only alter the one part of us that is the factor within the relationship: Ourselves. How do we get over the depression, sadness and fear once and for all? We accept them and then no longer allow them to control our lives.

Let go of the fantasy. Let go of what should be. We know if this was a “fair” world, these tragedies and losses would not be happening to wonderful and spiritual people. But because of these atrocities, we have wonderful and spiritual people waking up and being born every day. Do your daily part instead. Stand up for someone you see hurting. Allow yourself to grieve and recover from these scars. Love your children and your spouses for who they are, and if you cannot, let them go. And if you have it in your heart to change anything in the World, change the one thing that will open you to the next level of Consciousness: Be grateful for what you have and where you have been, for all of it, because you are the beautiful Soul that was given these gifts and challenges to make you the very unique person whom you are. I am grateful for all of you, my friends and family, who have taken the time to read this and reflect upon your own lives. Do not live in fear, for you have everything right in front of you.

Dating and Other Gender Misconceptions in the 21st Century

I am not going to "date". I am tired of going through the motions of meeting others, finding out the basics, just to realize I have no interest beyond the initial conversation. There is no "magic formula" for ferreting out someone compatible. And when my life seems more like John Cusack's character, Rob Gordon, in "High Fidelity" and I find myself reminiscing over the past crashed-and-burned disasters, I am in awe that 1. I survived and 2. I am still looking for the ideal partner. What the heck am I doing??

Now, for all my inquisitive and somewhat curious friends who wonder why I have run so far and fast from settling down, there are definite reasons for my irrational disappearing acts and city-hopping adventures. But it all boils down to this: I cannot be committed to someone non-committal. Thus am I searching for the perfect blend of commitment and impulsive romance. Maybe I find it difficult to come down to Earth long enough to allow others to be their human-selves. Am I gracious enough to allow my partners to be as flawed as I am? Yes. But I come across as a perfectionist of sorts since I demand it within myself. I need someone as quirky and yet intellectual and high-minded as me. All I ask for is mutual altruism and everything else will fall into place. (By the way, from my experiences, THAT is the mythological creature that one sees hiding deep in the forest in reflection, but it never seems to appear directly because it may not exist...)

My experiences in the dating world are vast and many of my anecdotes are hilarious. But truthfully, I question the rationale of the human longing for companionship--in the mirror, I look into my own soul and question, "What am I looking to accomplish by loving another human as my partner and equal??". I don't mean physically necessarily, though chemistry is important. Do I reflect these characteristics I want in a partner? Not always. So I need to be more attentive and show that part of myself more often. I believe I will attract what I emulate; so who am I when nobody is looking? And why do I so often attract those considered "handsome" skin-deep who don't have the same passion for life and humanity as me? Because I need to show my love for humanity more!

Why is it so hard to live with someone yet so difficult to be without? If we are truly meant to be "together", man and woman, or in any form of partnership (gender non-specific), then why do we create so many divisions of ideology, sociology and culture? Or better yet, why do others believe they can "change" their partners to be more aligned with their own narcissistic goals--as do I?? I know, I'm hitting this subject hard, but it is worth tearing it apart in order to remove the parts that are no longer necessary.

Soul Mates: More Than Just Partners

Let's dig a little. I am reading "Soul Mates" by Thomas Moore. Having a similar ideology, I find it refreshing that someone has uncovered a vast anthropological/sociological study of the Soul and Spirit phenomenon. I am a very Spiritual person. Many who know me realize I live my life in the clouds, often Olympus-style, as I find the archetypes of humanity and deity to be reflections of the same dimensional growth plates within the 3D human existence we call Life on Earth. Soul is often described as that part of ourself that is rooted to the planet--the way we connect, attach and communicate with those among us on this rock formation. You know how it feels--we have a strong memory of how life has influenced us and we find comfort and longing in the Past. Sometimes it's a place, a person, a town we grew up in, a school we attended, a love we once had, and subconsciously, a possible past life experience. These past attachments are food for our Soul's evolution. These are the seeds once planted that have painstakingly provided fruit and lovingly blossomed into familiar sights, sounds and smells that remind us of a more simple time in our lives.

It is contrary to our society of fast-paced intellectual pursuit: Soul growth evolves patience, memory, retreat, time spent in the Valley of Life; we cling to the closeness we find to those attachments on Earth. We find solace in those memories we play back to make us feel "human" and part of the larger community to which we bonded as a child or adolescent. Sometimes, when it comes to relationships, we have moments where we try to find those who were impressive to our Soul-life, like ex-relationships and first-loves, the magnetism of that first encounter and we dream of the passion of these moments of attachment before marriage and/or commitment. Often we find our inner fires flared by these memories--we often long for the excitement that will drone out the everyday monotony of growth that is expected of us in marriage and raising children. But strangely enough, it is the slow-burning fire of the everyday and non-consequential that gives the Soul its character.

The Spirit is the antithesis, the other half, of the Soul. The Spirit in our being, the "god"-energy that propels us forward; is the constant reminder of change and movement. This energy, as opposed to the deeply rooted longing of the Soul's story, grabs us by the hand and takes flight--allowing us to see that the Spirit is not limited to Earthly dimensions. We are nourished by the limitless creation of the Imagination, the soaring of the mind and the creativity of the life force that allows us to ask, "Why am I here?" We that live in the Spiritual realm LIVE outside the proverbial "box." The only downside I see to this love of living without borders is that we often find root-planting a tedious and mundane task. We lose the flavor of the first morning dew as it settles upon our ripening vines and shoots of tender grasses emerging within our own Elysian Fields... The Soul's job as it unites with the Spirit is to warn us not to fly too close to the Sun so that we don't plummet to Earth when our wings become too hot.

The idea of "detachment" (Buddhist principle of releasing one's suffering from our Soul-life and creating a daily practice of letting go) is fantastic if we want to evolve into a species released from memories and past experiences. However, I am now, for the first time, understanding the balance of Evolution within the Soul-Spirit complex as it relates to acceptance of one's past experiences!! Why NOT hurt profusely over that first love that left us empty and broken hearted? Why NOT feel the deep pain of suffering when a child leaves us in search of something more than we have to offer? Why NOT grieve and pine over the loss of the one love that we thought would become our true destiny?

Okay for example, the whole Star Wars series comes to mind when I grieve over the loss of what I would have thought was True Love. I know, archetypal and stereotypical, right? But seriously, when we saw Padme fall for Anakin Skywalker, didn't you feel that momentary twinge of Oh-My-God before we realized that the horrible beast we know as Darth Vader was once in love with a beautiful princess and lost the future of being with his Soul Mate because he was thrown out of grace and destroyed by those he thought he trusted? How freaking sad and fictional. Right? So is it better to have detachment within ones longings so that we avoid suffering? I say no--I would rather grieve a melancholy relationship's death than never have had the experience at all.

I was married once. A long time ago. I truly and whole-heartedly believed the man I married was "the one". I truly followed my Spirit-self and honored the construct of marriage as it was delineated within my own sociological belief system so that I could be the Perfect Wife and Partner for a man whom I thought would be the Soul Mate to my idealistic image of Partner. I followed the guidelines within my religious beliefs to a "t", thinking that I would be with the man who would leave his father and mother and cleave to me as his other half...

Hilarious. I married the wrong guy. I can't tell you who the "right guy" would have been. And truth is, my children came from this Union of false pretence, so hey, I can't complain too much. I have the most beautiful and amazing children on the planet, in my humble opinion. So I married the wrong parter in my quest for the Perfect Mate, but I have 3 awesome kids to show that in spite of my naivety, I still made the right decision. I was injured immensely by my own idealism because it wasn't realistic. But do I give up on my ideals because he was less than what I needed? No way! In fact the opposite, now I know who I AM so I will not ignore those signs in the future of traits that are not compatible with mine. We live and learn.

Earth and Sky: Molding the Perfection of Humanity

There are dozens of historical mythologies that explain the love of the Universe to the Earth through the use of Soul Mate language. In the Mayan Popul Vuh, we see that Heart-Of-Sky (The Creator) spoke into being all things on Earth. The gods Hurricane and Plumed Serpent (also known as Quetzalcoatl) fashioned the Earth and all life upon it. After the first group of men, made of wood, were destroyed in a Great Flood, a young goddess, Xquic, was impregnated by the fruit of a tree that was a god and gave birth to the Hero Twins. The Norse mythology was similar and just as infused in sexual union. Ymir, the first Giant, was born of the fire and ice of the Earth. First male and first female came from his armpit (how romantic). The great cow Audumla was born out of the ice, and he licked the ice into the shape of the female giant Buri. Buri's son Bor married Ymir's daughter and they had the first gods, Odin, Vili and Ve.

Adam and Eve were also formed by Yahweh according to the Torah. They also had children whom would have had to marry siblings to start the first race of mankind. The Egyptian goddess Isis married her brother Osiris, which caused his brother Seth jealousy and rage so that Horus killed Osiris and Isis had to put him back together again. In Maori mythology, Ranginui was the sky father. In this story, the sky father and earth mother Papatuanuku, embraced and had divine children. We see across the world the use of Gaia as Mother Earth and the Heavens are called Father Sky. Children born of the Union are among the great natural creations of the planet (ocean, wind, rivers, natural disasters, volcanoes, etc). Growing pains are akin to the Earth's shiftings and changings.

But these animistic and mythological characteristics are directly related to the human behavior that labeled them as such. Every belief separates MALE and FEMALE, MAN and WOMAN, GOD and GODDESS. Every story of creation and the awakening of the Planet has elements of procreation, connection of Soul-Earth and Spirit-Sky. the planting of the seeds and awakening and the blossoming of the Tree of Life. So I'm an idealist and a lover of poetry. And I stay young by finding these images among the clouds and meditating while on a swingset. What memories and attachments create that fission of atomic explosion between your Earth and Sky Union?

So what is that EXPLOSION within you? When does your fire and ice meet to flow into life? I love the mess. I hate the breakup. I miss the passion when it's gone but don't miss the fighting or the anger. I want the electricity that the gods and goddesses throw at us. But most would rather have the comfort of a nice wedding, an average home, a backyard for the kids, and a decent school district. Do I wait for that alchemy or do I give in to "settling"? And the worst choice is when we have to make that decision when we already HAD that passion and it's gone...what can replace what was once not replaceable?

Exp>Dating and the Tragedy of Comedy

As I mentioned, I have done the reminiscing thing. As we all go through processing grief, we either feel totally alone or seek out comfort and help through our sadness. Or we go back and rationalize WHY we got ourselves into the position of being in that position. Comedy out of tragedy: it would be great if everything ended like it does in Hollywood. But, of course, with the liberation of familial ties and marital bonding for life, we have created a great society filled with comedic tragedies:

- Men who are single are considered The Bachelor of The Year; Women who are single are still considered the "spinster" type if they choose not to marry or have kids by their 30's. When is a man allowed to be lonely? And when is a woman allowed to be happily single? Sexual conquest is the most celebrated and still controversial part of dating in U.S. culture in the 21st century.

- Like Zeus, Odin and Solomon, a man is considered a god if he has conquests. This is still true today among many cultures and beliefs. If a woman was to do the same, she would be labeled derogatory names. Why can a man have a wife half his age and woman not be given the same allowance of acceptance? Truth is, whether you agree with it or not, even if you find it disgusting or perverted, a man with a young woman on his arm is still accepted world-wide.

- A woman aging, however normal, is considered "washed up" according to our standards of false beauty--even the goddess stories tell of those who are given eternal beauty are blessed. But a man ages and he is distinguished. I know dozens of women who would still want to see Sean Connery in bed (born in 1930), but I don't know many men who would approve of a woman the same age in theirs.

- Women over 20 date for romance and marriage. Women over 30 date for romance and sex. Women over 40 date for stability. And women over 50 date for companionship. Men always date for sex, sometimes date for romance, seldom date for stability. But they too date for companionship.

- The best part about these generalizations is that, regardless of whether or not you agree with them, they are still true. Not always accurate but still true.

The most amazing part of my "High Fidelity" experience is that I am going back and finding all those ex's are actually either very interesting and most of them very married (and loyal, btw ladies), or they are thrilled to be in touch with me again. I am excited to make old friends my new acquaintances again, which is a pleasant surprise, thanks to the modern technology of the internet and social media. And in the greater scheme of things, I am thrilled to be myself again!! I do love those old Soul attachments and memories.

But now,

On the flip side, to all my gentlemen friends, I am NOT LOOKING FOR SEX. No seriously.