Facing the Crone of Wisdom: The Choice to Journey Into Darkness

”Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” – Marie Curie

”Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.” – Paulo Coelho

”People living deeply have no fear of death.” – Anais Nin

Middle Age and the Realization of Mortality

I am writing this piece because I am personally experiencing the great challenges often faced by women my age and in my position: the great loss of motherhood through menopause and the drive to seek out Wisdom and leave behind a Legacy. These experiences are all connected. This is also true for both men and women, specifically in our society and time in history for individuals over 40 years of age. As we get older and face our own mortality, we seek answers to inevitable questions involving the underlying feeling of urgency that we must “accomplish” something in our lifetime. Many of us have already sought to do something that will be worthy of remembrance, myself included. And as we find our answers, we reveal more questions. Why are we so inclined to be enlightened? Were we created this way? How does the mind suddenly open to the concepts of mortality and spirituality? And why do we seek wisdom?

Our country is specifically, still predominantly and historically influenced by Christianity, but we have acknowledged and accepted our roots in Native American cultures and the shamanic spirituality that planted its roots here long before the Christians arrived. And we have assimilated our brothers and sisters of all major religions who have arrived at our shores and passed their wisdoms down for generations. With this understanding and with my personal journey as an anthropologist and connoisseur of world religions and wisdom texts, I am prone more than others to self-analyze and actualize a study of what I am experiencing and how it relates to others on my journey, both in this life and in all of human history. I suppose this is my legacy. Besides my roles as a mother, teacher, friend, healer and leader, I also seek to be remembered for my ability to transform these concepts and ideologies into written words. It’s like the play within a play—I thrive off the knowledge that this story has been told for thousands of years in different forms and manifests through me to join in community with those that have sought wisdom in its many forms before me. I feel comforted by the transformation.

The Confrontation of the Ego: The Crone Archetype and Internal Transformation

One of the greatest, most frightening fairy tales in human history is the birthplace of all evil witch stories: the tale of Baba Yaga, the Crone of Russian mythology. It may be a particular bias of mine, but if you take apart the roots of the tale, the origins of which descend from many different chrone stories, they all contain the same concepts. Baba Yaga was described as an ancient woman, goddess of the Underworld, with silver and black hair wild and overgrown, pale and green skin, often described as large in body and stature with skinny legs, a long hooked nose, burning eyes and the stench of death permeating from her mouth full of rotten teeth. She flies home in a mortar and pestle with her birch broom at her side. She has three horseman who serve her, the White Horseman (day), the Red Horseman (sun), and the Black Horseman (night), all of whom ride in and out of her yard. Her home is deep in the dark forest. Her house spins on chicken legs. And her yard is outlined by a fence of human bones with the skulls atop that light at night with the fire of judgment. Baba Yaga is scary. She threatens to eat those who confront her if they do not face the tasks she assigns. But is it fear of life that causes heroes and heroines to accomplish these impossible feats? In every tale she appears, the protagonist acts out a conundrum, but do we interpret this as being afraid of the Goddess or an act of courage? Ask yourself, do you live your life in fear of eternal punishment or do we seek to make a better world for a more noble higher purpose?

Baba Yaga means and represents “Old Crone.” There are similar characters throughout world mythologies that have the same appearances and traits. The representation of the Female in different cultures is represented by Youth (the Maiden), Motherhood (the Mother) and Menopause (the Crone). In all myths, the Crone represents the Underworld, not the life after death concept of hell, but the internal journey. Facing the Crone means going deep into the Abyss of the Darkness. And each world myth represents facing the Ancient, the Evil, the fear of Death: it becomes the confrontation of our own mortality but wakes us up to reality. Why would we attempt a feat that cannot be done unless we are truly powerful enough to accomplish it? That is like asking a cancer patient why they want to live—thus those who read what I write must know one thing: unless you have faced the Goddess of Transformation, you may not have a clue to that which I am referring.

Is Baba Yaga not frightening enough? Let’s go back even further, to one of the first of the Ancient Goddesses. In the earliest recordings of mythology, the Vedic/Hindu tradition, there is the goddess Kali, whose name translates as "black", or "death", and represents empowerment, or Shakti. Kali is the consort but also the conqueror of Lord Shiva, the judge of the world that leads those into the Underworld. In many representations, she is standing over him, atop his chest. She represents facing the fear of life after death, a judge of hearts much like Anubis in the Ancient Egyptian pantheon, in order to gain wisdom. She is depicted as black or dark blue in color, a warrior with a scythe and a necklace of human or demon heads around her neck. But she does not represent our physical Death per se, but Transformation. Her image is depicted as mostly naked and wild and powerful. She is the Universal Darkness. She is shown as the incarnation of Durga after battle that faces that part within us of defeating those demons we hold so close to our hearts. We misunderstand facing our fear as loss of life, but it is really loss of the body, transformation of the Ego. We are removing the obstacle of human frailty. We become a source of wisdom once we face these demons. But the Ego battle comes with a price and left behind is bloodshed.

Other goddesses of wisdom include Athena (Roman), Sophia (Gnostic), Inanna (Greek), Isis (Egyptian), Ishtar (Sumerian) and Lilith (Assyrian). They vary in aspects, cover many thousands of years of human mythology, but all show us the transformation of the female from the Mother to the Crone through battle or judgment. It is interesting that, in general, we see war as an act of the masculine, but it is very clear that the Chrone is the warrior version of the feminine. I am not implying that men do not have demons to slay that often end up in death and destruction, but this is again not a physical death, but a spiritual one. And for humanity to evolve, many must seek this transformation in their own feminine psyche, no matter what gender we were born to in this Universe.

I am also not implying that everyone has the privilege of facing the Crone. A major part of our society does not acknowledge the death of the Ego. In fact, the opposite of wisdom is narcissism, and this leads to a sickness that permeates our culture: the ideology that we are the “savior” of our own little world. This leads to controlling of others, prejudice, class differences, religious hatred and the idea of superiority, and eventually to the justification of the mob mentality of righteous killing so highly praised in concepts such as government, military, corporate monopolies and in the conquest of power. Do we believe our God allows us to kill in His name? (Yes, this is a direct shot at the major world religions who see god as masculine, superior and justify nationalism and sovereignty as permission to destroy other human beings). The concept of the Crone Goddess is in direct conflict with these beliefs. Yet she does not “claim” to be God or superior or any such thing. In fact, she is not even a God but an archetype. The Vedics knew this. Now we can face her together as a part of all that is within us if you are ready.

Gaining Wisdom Through Power: The Antithesis of Transformation and the Preservation of the Ego

Can you still seek Wisdom after war? Yes but not in the way we think traditionally. The story of Solomon in Judaic culture has its roots in the concept that he was a warrior in battle but he sought Wisdom. Interesting, in the Occult, there is a school of thought that Solomon actually created a system of communicating with archangels and suppressing demons through the use of sigils, or drawings that are used to hold the power of these entities. (These writings are known as the Greater Keys and Lesser Keys of Solomon). Is power therefore the ultimate goal? Did Solomon allow these texts to be spread throughout his Kingdom? Or wasn’t this a secret societal knowledge that was reserved for the elite? There is also a legend that these texts were sought by and protected by the Knight’s Templar during the Holy Wars. Throughout history, known by legend, many leaders were thought to have secretly used these “keys” as a way to gain power and access control over nations, including Hitler, who was known to be obsessed with the Occult. But this type of knowledge, though fascinating, misses the point that gaining Wisdom is not accomplished by seeking power over others, but seeking power over our Egos, finding transformation within. So the antithesis of what Solomon sought was the manifestation of a system of belief that uses the control of powerful energies. While many seek to gain power, the balance of these earthly and temporary conditions cannot be taken with us. All true power in our world goes to the grave with the seeker. And the result is death just the same.

Let’s connect the dots. So, in mythologies, Wisdom stories, spread throughout the nations for many centuries, facing the Goddess (or Crone archetype) of Transformation leads to death of Ego and revelation of Wisdom. Yet taking the Wisdom of Solomon using the “keys” to unlock the control over powerful outside forces (one can equate and physically manifest the “power” behind archangel positive and demonic negative energies according to this ideology), develops a hierarchy of superiority and control over our external, worldly and temporary environments. Thus we feed the Ego rather than deconstruct it. This is one example of many that interprets "Wisdom" and "Power" together.

Other such constructs of control that also replace true Wisdom with the power of Ego, such as the tenets of national governments and religious institutions, seeking to aggrandize the powerful. Many within our societies use texts (laws, books, etc.) to gain power or seek a position within these institutions to be venerated. We manifest our gods and fuel our systems of belief so highly in these large-scale communities. We teach them to our children and promote them as “good.” We gather in churches and synagogues and mosques weekly or sometimes daily to teach and manifest what we believe in our knowledge is "right". And we celebrate our national sovereignties through Holidays and Religious practices in order to feel a part of the greater community and call it a blessing. Yet what do we actually get out of our worship of our external gods or governments? Ask yourself. Aren't these just bodies of humankind in positions of leadership? Why do we give such credence to the words spoken on the pulpit or in the congressional seat or on stage? Are they better than us since they have sought the "wisdom of power"? Are we worshipping a deity or a person? And isn't it true that we are riddled with a society that is filled with God-like complexes?

Immortality: Manifestation of Legend and the Confrontation of Death

Now we have a third confrontation of Ego to explore: The physical manifestation of anti-aging through Science. There is a billion dollar international pharmaceutical industry devoted to preventing death and anti-aging. We have medical practices that can “fight” disease, cancer, heart failure and degeneration. We have a billion dollar beauty industry that “fights” against wrinkles and grey hair and sagging skin. We invest billions in exercise and diet to “fight” aging and cellular death. Yet is it out of the fear of dying? Or can we attribute all of these transformations of sorts to an innate human experience of the desire to live forever and allow the Ego to thrive? Is the prolonging of life a necessity to permit us to remain here as long as we can? Is this a salvation for us, to be younger, stronger, more physically capable? We see television exploit the “transformation” of the human form constantly in the celebration of makeovers to worldly standards of beauty and admiration. This is not new…the Greek gods and goddesses were depicted as immortally youthful and superiorly strong. We see immortality as venerated in Sampson’s hair and the resurrections of Achilles and Osiris, all three whom are depicted as superior in looks and strength.

All of these ideologies explored to this point in the pursuit of seeking Wisdom play off the idea that Wisdom and Immortality are connected. Don’t we all seek an immortal legend in some way, shape or form? Some within humanity use the simple act of procreation to pass down their legend—does it ever occur to us why so many who are uneducated, poor or who aren’t interested in anything but their own lives are so excellent at procreating and having many children? Aren’t we subjected to beliefs that connect childbearing with worthiness? And why is it that those of us who seek a higher knowledge, greater purpose or have more abundance are often less likely to reproduce? I am stating this internationally as an average, not as a cultural flaw but rather as an observation. For instance, the average rate of children per family is highest in Niger, Yemen, Uganda, Malawi and Afghanistan, all having an average of 7 children per household (all agriculturally-based, religious-driven and have low life expectancies--this is easily corraborated on Google). While countries that have an average of less than 2 children per household include Australia, Greece, Hungary, Austria, Germany, Luxembourg and many countries in Eastern Europe. What causes these trends? Is it survival and culture? Do we thus put our energies into our prodigies for the purpose of passing on our genes or our Egos? Moreover, what drives our obsession to seek immortality through procreation?

In our American culture, men are prone to believe they must pass down their legacy through their children. Women are told as they get older that their “clock is ticking” and they must find a suitable partner to procreate. Religions tell us to find a mate and settle down and procreate. Science has invented such techniques to meet these demands as chemical hormone balancing (birth control and fertility drugs), in vitro fertilization and other such ways to give us the bundle of joy a person so longs to have. Because of the high rate of divorce, we have an entire empire of Family Law that capitalizes on the battle to gain custody over a child, making lawyers and judges rich in the process of sorting out the pain of Ego-driven parenting. Fathers live vicariously through their children’s achievements; mothers feel obligated to create an atmosphere of home that is often driven by rivalry of others in their immediate society or community. “Look at how amazing my child is.” “Here’s what my child has done.” “They are a chip off the old block.” Aren’t these the sentiments of legacy that feed our Egos of immortality?

Facing Our Own Transformation, Mortality and Death of the Ego

I am blessed. I have experienced a lot of the aforementioned experiences of seeking Wisdom and Transformation. I have been blessed with the genetic and biological passing of myself by giving birth to three lovely and brilliant children, for whom I write these blogs. I am currently (and therefore until death by my own vow) partnered with an amazing husband with whom I am helping to raise his biological daughter as well. So I have achieved “legacy” in this way. I have been born of some privilege, understanding the positions of “superiority” both by being born in a somewhat affluent area of society, as a Caucasian woman who was raised as a Christian. I have experienced the instruction to gain higher education, attended three great colleges, and I am in the midst of continuing my higher education as a doctor and healer. I have been privileged to see many additional cultures, having traveled to seek what additional experiences I could encounter. I have been taught by so many wonderful teachers and cannot get enough knowledge—I love TED talks and spiritual literature and meetup groups with likeminded friends. I thrive from intellectual conversation. And I have found a great connection with modern science, technology and nutrition to prolong my life and brain and appearance through the blessings of these gifts of the industries of immortality. I won’t lie—I love it that my physical and mental selves has benefited from these international passions and personal pleasures.

Yet is time for me to face the Crone. I realized that now more than ever, as my entire world has been blessed with the gifts of Ego, I am ready to face my fears and manifest my journey to the Underworld to seek the Baba Yaga/Kali. I am flawed. I have demons. I have emotional walls and irrational fears and regrets and jealousies and a mountain of other skeletons in my closet that I have carefully ascended like a pile of corpses. This may sound gruesome, but it is reality. For every person of wisdom and fame we emulate, there are human secrets within us all we must chop off at the head. The gift of wisdom is this: do we choose to face these demons and wear their heads around our neck or on our fence posts or do we continue to live in fear and feed our Egos? Do we seek prestige, power, fame, acknowledgement, and praise? Or do we seek answers? Once I face these demons and slay my own Jaberwocky, I will relay to you how my journey into the Underworld is progressing.

It is time to end my suffering and live as I was meant to do as a Crone of Higher Wisdom, not to seek power, but rather to create Love. As I descend into the darkness, I feel I am truly going home. Don't take my word for it. Don't venerate my journey, seek your own. Go to the place where Kali awaits. Join me when you are ready.

“Om aim hrim klim camundayai vicche svaha."

The Smouldering Fire of Regret

“Of all the words of mice and men, the saddest are, "It might have been.” ― Kurt Vonnegut

There is a blessing and a curse associated with wisdom for both men and women. The body ages so we either remember or forget our experiences, recalling only what we need to remember. The mind becomes saturated with critical as well as trivial information. And the experiences we have had are woven into our tapestry with great precision like the fine brush strokes from an artist’s brush onto canvas, together creating a great masterpiece. But does that masterpiece resemble one of Monet’s japanese bridges or morph into Munch’s The Scream? Where do we fall along the spectrum of experiences? Where and when do we choose to create a life that is our own and not harbor those pains that were inflicted from others long ago that often keep us focused on the past? How do we process the smouldering fire of regret, that mind game we play that creates a wish to go back and change one of these events?

Trauma Revisited

Life events are neither “good” nor “bad”. They are happenings. What we do with those happenings is most important. An event that creates a powerfully emotive and lasting memory that elicits a negative or fear-based response is called a trauma. Traumas are directly related to sensitivity. There is actually a blessing that comes out of trauma: psychic awareness. Therefore trauma is an event that can either have a “good” or “bad” outcome, even if at the time it elicited a fear-based response. Have you ever had a connection to your “Spidey Senses” and realized something was wrong in your world before actually knowing it? This is one of those gifts. But often this gift manifests when a harmful person (one who chooses to do harm to us) is getting ready to behave in a harmful manner. After a period of time, we recognize that harm is coming because it has been the response of that person, or one like them, in the past. Then we have a “premonition” that it is coming again. This elicits the response and thus reactivates the trauma.

When we have many of these traumatic experiences, the brain reconnects the trauma pathway from the combined reaction of these experiences and we can actually “see” the events becoming a trauma before they happen. This is likened to a novel that you read and predict the ending before you get there based on your own years of experience and your knowledge of events. Well, eventually the brain becomes “open” to these predictions. The ultra-sensitive among us, however, actually become even more precognitive. The outcomes of repeat trauma, fear-based dream states and possibly mental damage due to brain development early on in childhood, all lead to precognition.

In the event of ESP occurring (extra-sensory perception), the mind becomes aware and awake to one’s self outside the body--the disassociation can actually allow us to look at the “greater picture”. There is a fine line, however, that can be crossed into what we call today insanity. The disassociation possible within a “normal” (or typical) human is a mechanism to create a logic-based thought process so that the emotions that are trapped in the body can be released in a healthy way. Often the fear we feel when confronting an event needs to go somewhere. So we release it by separating ourselves from it. The other outcome is that it is processed through a system of rationalization, which can trap these fears somewhere else. Often however, anger (outer fear) and depression (inner fear) leave scars within the body and can be converted into disease or autoimmune disorders. Therefore, we are here to learn to control our minds and our emotions so we can find a balance, release anything not serving us, and learn from our fears to turn away from pain or stop them altogether from entering.

Those that tend to internalize anger and depression become Highly Sensitive. Those that stop the feelings become Highly Desensitized. The interesting part is that both tend to eventually show signs of precognition! I know that sounds strange, especially when we would imagine that the “tough” ones would just be totally closed off. But in reality , they are guarding themselves innately from a traumatic experience through shutting down. Even if they don’t remember anything, or they blocked the experience from affecting them, they too haven’t truly processed the experience. It’s likened to a black hole--the anger and depression will eventually come out in other ways, sometimes by becoming a harmful person, many times by having a compartmentalization happen that can lead to a behavioral disorder, or they find an outlet by imposing their trauma onto something else--like learning to become a guardian, like a police officer, firefighter, emergency room doctor or soldier.

I am obviously a Highly Sensitive. I am highly clairvoyant. It can be annoying, let me tell you. My husband is a soldier. I can see in him a lot of the same clairvoyant reactions that I experience, but they manifest in different ways. Many of us in our generation (we are over 35) were raised with parents who dealt with trauma or anger by yelling, talking “down to”, or somehow convincing us NOT to show our feelings. We were told to “hide” our sensitivities. For men, we have a whole generation that was “told” by social norm that men don’t cry or show feelings because it is a sign of weakness. Women, on the other hand, from my generation were allowed to show feelings freely as long as it wasn’t toward confronting or questioning the authority of men. How strange that our society has built these crazy norms! I mean, who doesn’t grieve when someone dies? Nobody. We all grieve. But how it comes out is so very different, depending upon how we were raised. And who doesn’t want to feel like an equal? I don’t care what body parts we were born in, what color our skin may be, we all put our clothing on the same and we all bleed when we are wounded, inside or out.

Trauma is often inflicted on us from another. These incidences and the aftermath of emotion that follows can actually compound. In Chemistry, there is a point when a solute is added to a solvent where it can no longer dissolve. That point is saturation. Well, traumatic experiences that compound and open the same wounds (brain pathways) over and over again also become saturated and eventually will create a “trigger” response. When a person is then confronted with a trauma, even if the person causing the harm has no clue they are creating a harmful situation to the recipient, the trigger will create an emotive reaction that can be out of control or even response with harm.

If Only I Could Go Back...

Regret is one of these triggers. Since I have been going through menopause, I have been triggered every time I have a hormonal swing. Unfortunately, due to the imbalance of hormones during hot flashes, the swing usually triggers a cognitive memory that ends up in an emotional response. And they are not loving, feel-good responses. In my studying what has been happening to my body, I have discovered it is because the chemical reaction needed to make serotonin is blocked by the body bursting into flames. I feel like a phoenix who is about to explode every time I have one of these hot flashes! And it is followed by sobbing tears.

The price for maturation is trial by fire apparently. I found a way to stop the emotions from being released at inappropriate times AND stop the hot flashes using vitamin B-6 in conjunction with a hormone balancing/endocrine system resetting herb (wild yam) and a phosphotidylserine-phosphotidylcholine complex. I know--a lot of fancy words. If you relate, write them down; if not, don't worry about it. This formula actually prevents the hot flashes, allows the positive brain flow to continue, and keeps my body from “crashing”. Here’s why this has been so important: every traumatic experience I have ever had and had hoped to forget has come pouring out of my memory banks. Seriously--I have not had a past experience safe from resurfacing, all the way back to childhood. Every person who has ever harmed me in any way has been recalled into my brain in some way since this began over the summer. And even if I don’t see the relationship between the person and the memory, the pain from my past has been pouring out of the open Pandora’s box. It has been more than just traumatic. I have been confined to bed, had to leave a crowded room, and I have found myself unable to stop crying and purging memories at the worst moments, until finally my eyes have become swollen and my body is not able to recuperate without massive amounts of sleep.

Association V. Disassociation

The best part about these kinds of experiences is that I was finding there is a direct association with the hot flashes and my triggers, or memories of the past that brought out all my regrets. Once I got the hot flashes under control, I could disassociate, or remove my emotions and then analyze the triggers that were causing the fire. I had always been able to separate my emotions from my reactions under a healthy state. With the introduction of chemicals, hormones included, I was often not able to open up and experience those emotions and grieve through losses unless I had this disassociation removed from my thought process.

The triggers of these bursts of fire center around regrets. It’s strange that of all things to resurface, this is the most powerful emotion. I have been in physical fights. I have been bodily injured. I have been dominantly controlled. And I have felt everything from guilt to shame to anger to hatred in this lifetime. But the only emotion that keeps triggering from these attacks is regret. Why? I believe because I have never allowed myself to get over that one type of emotion. It is self-inflicted. It is not acting upon something that would have changed the course of my life in some way. We are told not to regret the past, but I do. I know not to dwell on them, but they exist nonetheless. I don’t know how others have felt during their time of fire, but this to me is the most powerful.

In the movie Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban, Professor Lupin (teacher of Defense Against The Dark Arts) has his students do a “spell” to get rid of a creature called a Boggart. It can turn into the student’s worst fear and can only be dissipated and controlled through imagining it is a different creature. This was then followed by laughter to humiliate the Boggart into submission. I feel like this every time I have a hot flash followed by an outburst. My body starts heating up and bursting into a smouldering fire that begins at my heart chakra and solar plexus. It then moves outward and upward, extending out of my head and hands, and eventually runs through my whole body. The brain’s response is then to attach to a fight-or-flight memory, often linked to a regret. Under normal circumstances (non-fire), I can usually work through a memory through meditation, talking about it, or writing. Sometimes I do praying or channeling to ask Higher Power energy to release the feelings and memories. This has been my way of dealing with all my past traumas. But in the middle of the flames, I am unable to get control of the emotive responses. And the ones that stick are the regrets. And they are the Boggarts of my mind--powerful enough to elicit fear deep within, but they can be changed once I address them.

I therefore have made a great list of regrets!! They are all subjective and my own personal, truly experiential life lessons that if I had a magic wand or time machine, I would go back and change. So before some of my readers become all offended that I am “airing” my dirty laundry, understand these experiences were real. And I had to endure them. And they are meant to share with others who have been through pain. And I don’t have any secrets. Oh, and I am not a victim any longer to any of my past perpetrators, so it was a part of my life, but not all of it. And now I can look at this list and, once processed, I can now disassociate from these pains. I am telling you this because I want to show you can do the same. Once you read the list you will know why this kind of exercise is really important for those of us who have been through traumatic experiences.

Processing Through the Regrets - Making Amends and Letting Go

I have been able to confront some of these regrets head on. For instance, I was finally able to tell my two daughters that I regret allowing them to feel unprotected or in any way out of control because I was so passive and allowing as a parent. I personally saw all three of my children as little adults because they were and are so brilliant. I never saw the need to discipline in a negative or harmful way. But with that the younger two children specifically missed out on time with me. And at some point all three were allowed to get away with actions that would usually be punished by a stricter, more structured parent who wasn’t living moment to moment trying to survive as a single parent who was denied, and often robbed of, child support. This time of my life, the ten years fighting back and forth for custody and denied repeatedly my parenting time, was the hardest and most regrettable period of time. I have countless regrets I could have avoided if I had been more cautious and more self-loving. It would also have made me a better parent.

These regrets go way back. So, if anyone is reading this and plans to “tattle” to any person directly involved in one of these regrets, feel free. I hide nothing any longer. And my experience, as a “victim” or as a “perpetrator” in any case, was still my experience. Here is my most recent, fire-fueled list:

List of the Most Impactful Regrets Ever

I regret quitting ballet as a child. I know my parents could not afford it, but my disdain for lessons of that sort started at 6. I was not ever encouraged to stick to an activity my mother didn’t want to take me to attend, so it also causes a regret of quitting a series of other activities I wish I had continued to do. This one is just the most prominent because it is linked to my first memories. And I love to dance! Maybe I would have been more athletic or agile or could have had more opportunities on stage. Who knows. I did take up ballet in college again, but not seriously. I miss the music and the beauty of it. But I miss just dancing most of all.

I regret allowing myself to lose my ability as a leader by not standing up for myself in Junior High. Of course, this was also hormonally driven. It didn’t stop me from becoming one after a long period of time. But it was in trying to please others that I lost my drive to take any lead. This caused a series of events for many years that allowed others to take advantage of my kindness. For instance, I had a “crush” in 7th grade. One evening after school, I got a call from the crush’s ex-girlfriend who still liked him. She pleaded with me not to pursue him because she knew he liked me and it was only a matter of time until she knew we would end up together. I did as she asked to please others and they got back together. I never dated anyone in Junior High or High School after that that I truly liked in the same way, and thus I became rather standoffish. And even through high school, I never dated anyone at my own school because of this (except one, but we are still friends after all this time).

I regret allowing my faith and kindness and “turn the other cheek” upbringing to allow people in my life to continue to harm me. I didn’t understand boundaries because I was never shown any healthy ones. I know now the reason this is a prominent lesson in the Christian Bible is because the Romans wanted to create a passive force of people to control. It worked and still works today. I am often confronting my Christian upbringing and the ideals that led me to allow passive-aggressive people to walk all over me (thus more regrets).

I regret letting go of the first man in my life whom I really wanted to fight for and didn’t. We are still friends. We are both happily married to others. All turned out great. But I ended up marrying the wrong person for me because I never got over that person completely (at that time of course).

This leads to the next one. I regret never taking the time to be single and alone before I got married. I missed out on so many experiences, not only because I married the wrong person, but because I married too young. Many of my friends who married their high school and college sweethearts have had dozens of years of marital bliss. I regret that I made the wrong choice, based on my limited understanding, that led me to a 14 year custody battle after 8 years of marriage (the last 5 being miserable). However, even though it led to a lot of pain for my children and I, they know who I am and how these traumas affected and shaped my existence in order to become a strong leader and guide for so many other women with children. In fact, I became a domestic violence advocate because of my experiences.

I regret not going to college when my grandmother offered to pay my tuition at Loyola. It changed the course of my life, thus how I ended up meeting and marrying the man who is my children’s father. It also disadvantaged me at the divorce not having my own career and being dirt poor. He took full advantage of my lack of education to keep me at home, then to railroad me after divorce. It was one of my greater regrets.

I regret marrying too soon. We only met 2 and a half months before we were engaged. See above reasons for regret.

I regret not standing up for myself with my then-husband and his family because of an erroneous sense of submission due to a faith that was faulty. This led to the horrific divorce, the years without my children, the ruined self-esteem that led to an almost successful suicide attempt, which gave them fuel to take my children away and treat me so disdainfully. That and they are stuck in their beliefs. I am completely grateful though it gave me strength to leave, to get my life back together, to confront and win back custody, to fight for my children so they see me as a strong and courageous person. It doesn’t stop the traumatic memories, but it did create a fighter out of me.

I regret staying so long with relationships that, even though there was a sense of dominance and control caused by an imbalance, I was mentally incapable of leaving them until I was able to fight my way out. The first, after almost 5 years, robbed me of some of the best prime years of my life to do what I needed to do to become a great parent, leader, and educator. He even squatted in my apartment so the University would not allow me to return because the bill was so high from the damage he caused. I attempted to sue him, but he hid long enough to get away from paying what he truly owes. And I have been working to go back to school ever since. This too ends up wonderfully, since now I am returning to become a Naturopathic Doctor.

The second greatest regret was the one who was horribly sick with a mental illness (I believe it was Borderline Personality Disorder) that allowed him to have full-running relationships not just with me, but with several other women who were equally as duped. Boy, he must have spent an awfully long time on the phone everyday to juggle so many of us. But the interesting part is that once I left, he spent 3 years trying to get me back, which ended up eventually resulting in him taking his own life. Yet he had 3 other women to go to. It was strange, but I truly have the least regrets around my life with this person, especially involving his constant need to push his drug and alcohol addiction on me. I believe that is because I know I am not at fault. I don’t regret being fooled as much as I do regret not just walking away sooner. I would attempt to break it off and he would stalk me until I would come back. It happened weekly after a while. And he ruined many potential relationships with others. But if I hadn’t had that last year with him trying to get me back, I might have ended up with another one just like the others….I had many other controlling relationship offers I was then able to avoid and break away from altogether. And in spite of his attempt to reunite, I finally had a year to myself to do what I wanted to do without a relationship.

I regret not attempting to become a professional actor when I was younger. I was so convinced I was going to medical school, I gave up acting. Since then, I have returned to my love of both theater and film. And I have had great experiences. But my life would have been so different--I am truly good at it. Now if I can get the hot flashes to stop, I can create a better control that will allow me to return to acting at my leisure.

I regret allowing my kids’ father to make fun of my singing and quitting altogether. It was funny because both my daughters have pursued and are continuing to sing. All three of my children have more talent in their pinkies than any of the currently popular artists of today. And yet they have a choice if they want to use it. I made a horrible mistake, because it was such a great form of expression that I now cannot use when I want to. Again, it is a regret for not standing up for myself. I still love to sing in the shower. But more than that, I love listening to my children.

I regret not kidnapping my sister and her two boys when I went to visit them in the Spring of 2002. I knew her husband was abusive and I should have just stuck her and the boys in the car. She since remarried another abuser, had 2 more boys, and now lost custody of them to my mother...let’s not get started about the Dragon Fire in me about that subject. That is the fire of consuming rage for the sneaky way she manipulated the system and took my nephews. If there is anyone I ever regret leaving my children in the care of...enough said.

I regret sending my daughter Jacqui back to her father’s when the court denied me child support. She was living with me! And the ex’s attorney somehow used a corrupt system to cut all child support from my daughters. Wow. They are currently under investigation for corruption. This is great news. But being homeless, I felt I had no choice. I did have a choice. But I regret ever sending her to live in the same system I left . I know she has turned out to be a wonderful and fine woman in spite of the religious abuse. But all the same, it is truly my greatest regret.

Finally, I regretted giving up my relationship with this amazing man in my life, Mark, whom I was so blessed enough that he returned to me. We have such a different outlook. In spite of our differences, I am so grateful he is in my life and that we have been put back together, this time permanently. Yet I do feel bad I happened to begin this life stage of constant raging fire right after we have been married (poor guy!). It’s the way of life. And when we get through this, we will both be the strongest leaders and teachers and healers we were meant to be.

In general, I regret not traveling more. I regret not going to Egypt to see the pyramids before it became a dangerous place for Americans to visit. I regret not taking that job with the Arabian horse farm. I regret ever trying certain drugs, even experimentally. I regret not staying independent for as long as I could have been because of the fear of stability. I regret not learning about money management until I was so much older. I regret not buying stocks in companies I saw emerging. I regret not taking more chances. I regret not spending more time learning from my grandmothers. I regret giving away my dogs even if I was told I couldn’t have them (my ex husband’s control--I should have just said no). I regret not completing the many books and screenplays that are still unfinished. But in all, I regret most of all giving up myself in order to succumb to the ideal of another. I am me. I will always be me. I have to live with me. I am grateful for me. And I will never again give in to appease another to the detriment of my own life, health and happiness.

Now that the fire has been purged from my traumas and memories associated with those traumas, I feel so much better. I am going to sit down and finish those books. I am going to invest more time in myself, my husband, my kids, and my schooling. I am learning to do new and different activities, but I still plan to ride more horses, dance again, and maybe I will start singing once more. I want to become the wisest, most peaceful woman I have ever met, not because I am denying my past, my anger or my trauma. But because I acknowledge these things and choose to let them go.

This fire too shall pass.