Living Life To The Fullest

Remembering the best of you, my Soulmate, Zachry

2011-08-08T01:11:00.025-04:00

It is a strange time for a woman when her soulmate dies. There is not just a feeling of loss, but of overwhelming unexplained grief. I have only been grieving for a week. The love of my life died by his own hand on August 3, 2011. Our 5 years together was tumultuous and life-changing, to say the least. As I learned from the book Soulmates by Thomas Moore, it is usually with the ones we love and are attached the most that we are most challenged and bonded in Karma and Soul Contracts. Today, as always, I will continue to love him unconditionally. But today, I want to tell the world about what an amazing man he was, not focus on the sadness and self-destruction that took him from us.

I was struck with surprise yesterday momentarily by the stories and photos of happiness that surrounded us at the memorial service. His happy demeanor always reflected his joy for his life, sports, family and eventually his children. His active childhood was painted in picture to all by his constant wonderment, familial love for his father and his childhood classmates who all saw him as the child he was. But his journey into adulthood saw him pull away and change his outlook to one of solitude and rebellion. I could tell his stories--all the high school memories he shared, but it would dishonor what I am attempting to portray here.

I am not saying it wasn't difficult. Nor am I going to sugar-coat the fact that we were not always on the same page. Soulmates are often the MOST challenging and LEAST likely to be partners. It is not an easy road. All who knew him and me knew that it was only a matter of time before the world imploded or a nuclear bomb would explode. That is the kind of energy we created. Sometimes that energy, harnessed and yet unbridled, could create a whirlwind so great that it became love and healing. But now that it is gone and settled, I want to remember what was good about Zachry.

Creating a Picture of the Man I Adored

Zach did share so much of himself with me. His music was his life--he loved so many genres and had so many memories attached to his favorite bands and albums, from the Cocteau Twins and New Order and other 80's alternative styles to Chillout and Trance and eventually hard acid rock and modern alternative music. One time he made a CD for me that was riddled with new and upcoming bands and remixes of old classics by punk or alternative artists, from MGMT to Shiny Toy Guns. It was always a surprise when he put on Etta James or old soul albums, much to my surprise. His tastes varied based on his moods and interests--but in all, he had thousands of cd's and downloads in his collection!! I could never keep up.

What struck me though was when we first met and I took him to see Imogen Heap (from the Frou Frou's). My daughter and her friend ended up getting tickets to the show, so we drove together. But I had no idea that he had a fear of crowds and wondered the whole time if he was having a good time. But from what he told me, he had seen so many bands! There was a local Denver band with whom he was friends with the singer, called Twice Wilted (then the Tarmints and now the Overcasters, if you want to listen). He knew Kurt and told me how he loved to go to the shows. His love for music reflected in the way he communicated as well--some days, we would be listening to Kill Hannah or the alternative station in FC, the next we would be enjoying his thousands of songs on his ipod, in no way shape or form bottled into a single thought. When we first met, we listed often to Ibiza Beats, which I will always listen to for him. Even in my grief, I find that I am comforted by his sadness--Joy Division was his music when he felt like there was no hope.

We both loved movies. This was a passion for both of us, but it was a disconnection for us as well. We almost always watched something "different", whether it be a TV show, a film or a documentary. He loved the same ScyFy shows I did. He was an avid Doctor Who fan!!! (For Christmas this year, I got him a book on Doctor Who and Philosophy). Our favorites together were Ink, Formula 51, The Broken, and both of us loved James Bond. He preferred mindless but fascinating fantasy to my adoration of the deep indie film. But we both were just getting into Game of Thrones! I remembered seeing Inception and how moved I was by the movie. He thought it looked stupid, but eventually came around and told me he'd seen it. That's how he was--skeptical, often abative, and yet so intellectual and fascinating. He was also into a lot of horror films I could not endure--he loved the Saw movies (first 2 at least) and he often told me of others, like Hostel, that I would never watch.

He was really into cars and Top Gear, a passion he shared with his son Quentin. His favorite, he always told me, was the Skyline. When the kids were younger, I heard about all the movies and shows they watched together. Many were the same as the ones I also watched with my girls. But as they grew, their tastes grew as well. Zach was into No Reservations, Iron Chef (Japan), and Bizarre Foods. We watched marathons of all kinds of things, especially with his love for the BBC. He was passionate about their shows being "superior" to American versions of the same thing. Plus he always loved and remembered England as his favorite place to live and visit.

Zach's favorite passtimes with me were eating and drinking. We both loved great food!! He talked about his adventures and his travels and how he had tried so many things. So we started on this adventure to try new and strange foods. My favorite, of course the most unusual, was here in Denver at the Superstar Asian Cuisine restaurant. We had a meal that consisted of jellyfish, chicken feet, tripe and pig's blood soup--I have never seen a man close to fainting with that one! We had squid and octopus in ink out of the cans in Miami. We both ate dozens of raw oysters together. Once we were at Monty's in Miami and ate at least 3 or 4 dozen! We ate at all the hot spots of Denver. Last winter, we went through Westword's Best of Denver and started hitting places down the list--the Best Dive Bars of course were our regulars. He told me about all his years living in Denver and playing for Queen City. And his travels in Canada and England and playing for ERFU the Barbos. But he was always excited to cook as well. We would reminisce about friends he played with and his funniest stories.

We both love beer--the real microbrewery stuff too! My goal, I told him, was to try as many Colorado beers as possible. Our first date was at Mountain Sun in Boulder. The first place we went to visit in FC was Coopersmiths. We tried the new Fort Collins Brewery restaurant, Estes Park Brewing Company on New Years' Eve, Oskar Blues, Pints' Pub and Bull and Bush, my personal favorite! And on his birthday this year, we went to Leopold Brothers Distillery to have a tour and try some of the best tasting liquors I have ever tasted. He loved his absinthe too, Pernod was his favorite until Leopolds came along. And we frequently loved Lion Stout, Elephant and Paulander--all some you should try! I had to quit drinking so much because it was too much fun and too many calories, but I will always have fond memories of the times we had together.

Zachry had a special place in his heart for animals, especially with his daughter Qyra's fondness of them. So one time when I came back to visit, he had this little fluffball, Willow, who spent many nights keeping me awake by biting my eyelids! She became his "familiar"--she was always waiting for him to come home. She was the consistency in his life. I remember for years as well that the kids would want stuffed animal toys and there were so many of them! He really did have a passion for parenthood and he was a loving father.

Being A Great Father

Zachry adored his children. I know his two step-daughters were still in close contact with him. He also had a renewed bond for his oldest daughter, with whom he was attempting to spend more time. And yet it was his adoration of Quentin and Qyra that kept him going. I can go on and on about his weekends with his kids. How he was a stay-at-home dad for a short while. How he would purposely only spend time with them when he had them. But he was very stubborn in his raising of them as well. The frustration I had was after 5 years, I had hoped to see them more as well, but he kept his lives very separate. It was for the better to deal with his kids' mother, but in the end, it was the conflict within him not having them in his life that sent him into a state of despair.

You have to know that it was his love for his children that was his lifeline to this world. He created it this way, however, and it was not sufficient to help him stay with us. I do believe that his lack of self-worth was in the way. I thought he would be stronger, fight for what he wanted to be as a parent, but he usually would fall into sadness when he could not be with them. It was a rough road. I know I was a catalyst for some of his sadness, but it was truly his love for his children and his questioning himself as a worthy man that he struggled with daily.

I do remember that he took pride in Quentin's sports. He was always bragging about how great his son was as an athlete. I also know he was passionate about Qyra's Girl Scouts. He bragged about being the only dad actively involved in the cookie sales. I am also grateful that he had time with them at his parents' farm. He was truly wanting to give them the most of himself when he was with them. He was proud of the other girls' accomplishments as well, telling me about how strong and independent they had all become. I am hoping that they will know someday what he felt.

I cannot tell anyone why he would not try and create a more positive life for himself. I had always encouraged him to get a bigger house, or try and find a way to have more time with them when he was free, or to start learning about how to better himself and build his self-esteem so he could be stronger. I know that all five of his children knew they were unconditionally loved by him. I know that he was proud of them and maybe should have said it more. I know his wounds were deep and it was difficult for him to express. But they were his inspiration.

The Man I Loved

Destruction happens in a relationship when it breaks a threshold and cannot get back on track. Our relationship was one that was never truly "on track". It was fast, passionate, loving, abative, pushed every boundary and broke too many. I know a lot of the pieces didn't fit right, and it cannot be easy when one partner cannot be fully open, even after so many years. But I would not trade what I had for the world.

I am somewhat old-fashioned and believe that when a couple is 100% honest, it can help both sides to heal and forgiveness can be gained along with growth and wisdom. But it wasn't truly that way. I shared all of my life with him, my past, my hurts, and my struggle also with being a part of my children's lives. I too have been a wounded parent. But I am different--my two younger children are on paths that are not inclusive of me because of the imbalance they are experiencing, but I am aware it is not my issue. My oldest daughter is my best friend and the love of my life and has been with me for years, even when we didn't live together. Zachry and I went to her high school graduation this last May. But even in that, there is an element of sorrow because we struggled so much as a couple and it affected our children. So no matter what honesty we lacked in our relationship, it was a huge overhaul that gave me the strength to be 100% honest with myself to who I am.

We self-destructed in 2008 and I moved away. Even when the relationship was over, he still called me everyday. He never wanted to lose me. I begged him to be honest about what parts of himself he separated. I never knew what or whom I was competing with. But I do know now that he loved me with all his heart, and as I did love him with all of mine as well. In 2010 I returned from Miami expecting a warm welcome, and it was met with distance. It wasn't until we ended it again in August that the reality of our separation sunk in. I still don't know why I couldn't get the square peg into the round hole, but the old relationship had to go. We started counseling, every other week in FC. I didn't want to be together any longer, even after my return, but then again I thought it was still a possibility.

I moved back to Denver and I have been working in a spiritual community since then. I am grateful for my path! I have been called to return into working as a teacher, healer and community leader. It was the path I started long ago back in my childhood and teen years. But it took the renewal of the relationship with Zachry and its change to get me back onto this path. For that I am grateful. So with that in mind, and will all the changes in my life, I was open to renew our relationship. In October 2010, we started seeing each other every weekend. It had never really been "over"--it just started picking up the pace. The end of October, we had another downfall and I decided not to move back to FC--the only way this would survive is to plan to move in together closer to our work and with space enough for his children and my daughter, so the plan began to form.

Often with the Phoenix story, a new creature being born out of the ashes, the fragility of such a creature is often tested by its environmental challenges. I knew we would struggle starting over, but I am the ever-hopeful one that saw him open to new ideas and learn to change the way we talked and worked with each other. But there must have been other influences that sent him back down into his cave. We had an amazing time on his birthday weekend, but ended up in a fight, which could only be explained by the past resurfacing and whatever was hidden was getting in the way. After spending lunch with his children that Sunday he turned 40, it was never the same. Within a week he was withdrawn. And by the beginning of July, I had to find a new place to live and settled permanently here in Denver. He begged me to move to FC but I couldn't--it would put an end to my work here. I still returned to visit FC and he would come to Denver. Our short vacation together the end of July was difficult, since I have been sick for a month at that point. And I had so much to do between work and the youth organization I am starting that I was not there or available for him.

The end came suddenly. He had been to that point many times before, several with me there to bring him back. But it wasn't until last week when I wasn't there to work it through with him that he lost his footing. I had no idea I had become his only lifeline, but I had always hoped this would wake him up. I had the greatest faith in his ability to be rational and find a way to excel. I praised him for his willingness be open and change. And I always begged him to come to live between Boulder and Denver. We had been talking about moving here together, but I don't think he truly ever wanted to leave his sanctuary.

Zachry died last Wednesday night or Thursday morning. I knew that after 5 years of talking everyday that when he didn't call, he was gone. I finally had my affirmation Thursday afternoon in Spirit and called the FC police to check on him. Friday morning, his phone called me and I heard the entire conversation with the police and coroners that were there. I am devastated, but I am finally now able to let him go and be at peace.

I am so grateful that since that moment, my eyes opened, the Universe has given me a chance to work on what I need to do in my life. My daughter, my friends and my family have all been very supportive. Zachry's friends too have been a great encouragement and inspiration for me. I want to thank everyone for being a part of his life. I know that he has been blessed and has moved on.

I heard from Zachry after the funeral twice. Both times were through friends who are mediums and both times the messages were loud and clear. I am processing through them and would be willing to share them with anyone who wants to hear. I hope that in the weeks, months and years to come, he will be fondly remembered and his children will understand his love for them. As for me, I am busy building a community, adopting new "children" into my life. I am looking to start a self-sustaining farm. And one day, when I am settled in, I will plant a tree for my soulmate.

I will always love you, Zachry. You are truly missed.

Dating and Other Gender Misconceptions in the 21st Century

2010-06-22T21:53:00.053-04:00

I am not going to "date". I am tired of going through the motions of meeting others, finding out the basics, just to realize I have no interest beyond the initial conversation. There is no "magic formula" for ferreting out someone compatible. And when my life seems more like John Cusack's character, Rob Gordon, in "High Fidelity" and I find myself reminiscing over the past crashed-and-burned disasters, I am in awe that 1. I survived and 2. I am still looking for the ideal partner. What the heck am I doing??

Now, for all my inquisitive and somewhat curious friends who wonder why I have run so far and fast from settling down, there are definite reasons for my irrational disappearing acts and city-hopping adventures. But it all boils down to this: I cannot be committed to someone non-committal. Thus am I searching for the perfect blend of commitment and impulsive romance. Maybe I find it difficult to come down to Earth long enough to allow others to be their human-selves. Am I gracious enough to allow my partners to be as flawed as I am? Yes. But I come across as a perfectionist of sorts since I demand it within myself. I need someone as quirky and yet intellectual and high-minded as me. All I ask for is mutual altruism and everything else will fall into place. (By the way, from my experiences, THAT is the mythological creature that one sees hiding deep in the forest in reflection, but it never seems to appear directly because it may not exist...)

My experiences in the dating world are vast and many of my anecdotes are hilarious. But truthfully, I question the rationale of the human longing for companionship--in the mirror, I look into my own soul and question, "What am I looking to accomplish by loving another human as my partner and equal??". I don't mean physically necessarily, though chemistry is important. Do I reflect these characteristics I want in a partner? Not always. So I need to be more attentive and show that part of myself more often. I believe I will attract what I emulate; so who am I when nobody is looking? And why do I so often attract those considered "handsome" skin-deep who don't have the same passion for life and humanity as me? Because I need to show my love for humanity more!

Why is it so hard to live with someone yet so difficult to be without? If we are truly meant to be "together", man and woman, or in any form of partnership (gender non-specific), then why do we create so many divisions of ideology, sociology and culture? Or better yet, why do others believe they can "change" their partners to be more aligned with their own narcissistic goals--as do I?? I know, I'm hitting this subject hard, but it is worth tearing it apart in order to remove the parts that are no longer necessary.

Soul Mates: More Than Just Partners

Let's dig a little. I am reading "Soul Mates" by Thomas Moore. Having a similar ideology, I find it refreshing that someone has uncovered a vast anthropological/sociological study of the Soul and Spirit phenomenon. I am a very Spiritual person. Many who know me realize I live my life in the clouds, often Olympus-style, as I find the archetypes of humanity and deity to be reflections of the same dimensional growth plates within the 3D human existence we call Life on Earth. Soul is often described as that part of ourself that is rooted to the planet--the way we connect, attach and communicate with those among us on this rock formation. You know how it feels--we have a strong memory of how life has influenced us and we find comfort and longing in the Past. Sometimes it's a place, a person, a town we grew up in, a school we attended, a love we once had, and subconsciously, a possible past life experience. These past attachments are food for our Soul's evolution. These are the seeds once planted that have painstakingly provided fruit and lovingly blossomed into familiar sights, sounds and smells that remind us of a more simple time in our lives.

It is contrary to our society of fast-paced intellectual pursuit: Soul growth evolves patience, memory, retreat, time spent in the Valley of Life; we cling to the closeness we find to those attachments on Earth. We find solace in those memories we play back to make us feel "human" and part of the larger community to which we bonded as a child or adolescent. Sometimes, when it comes to relationships, we have moments where we try to find those who were impressive to our Soul-life, like ex-relationships and first-loves, the magnetism of that first encounter and we dream of the passion of these moments of attachment before marriage and/or commitment. Often we find our inner fires flared by these memories--we often long for the excitement that will drone out the everyday monotony of growth that is expected of us in marriage and raising children. But strangely enough, it is the slow-burning fire of the everyday and non-consequential that gives the Soul its character.

The Spirit is the antithesis, the other half, of the Soul. The Spirit in our being, the "god"-energy that propels us forward; is the constant reminder of change and movement. This energy, as opposed to the deeply rooted longing of the Soul's story, grabs us by the hand and takes flight--allowing us to see that the Spirit is not limited to Earthly dimensions. We are nourished by the limitless creation of the Imagination, the soaring of the mind and the creativity of the life force that allows us to ask, "Why am I here?" We that live in the Spiritual realm LIVE outside the proverbial "box." The only downside I see to this love of living without borders is that we often find root-planting a tedious and mundane task. We lose the flavor of the first morning dew as it settles upon our ripening vines and shoots of tender grasses emerging within our own Elysian Fields... The Soul's job as it unites with the Spirit is to warn us not to fly too close to the Sun so that we don't plummet to Earth when our wings become too hot.

The idea of "detachment" (Buddhist principle of releasing one's suffering from our Soul-life and creating a daily practice of letting go) is fantastic if we want to evolve into a species released from memories and past experiences. However, I am now, for the first time, understanding the balance of Evolution within the Soul-Spirit complex as it relates to acceptance of one's past experiences!! Why NOT hurt profusely over that first love that left us empty and broken hearted? Why NOT feel the deep pain of suffering when a child leaves us in search of something more than we have to offer? Why NOT grieve and pine over the loss of the one love that we thought would become our true destiny?

Okay for example, the whole Star Wars series comes to mind when I grieve over the loss of what I would have thought was True Love. I know, archetypal and stereotypical, right? But seriously, when we saw Padme fall for Anakin Skywalker, didn't you feel that momentary twinge of Oh-My-God before we realized that the horrible beast we know as Darth Vader was once in love with a beautiful princess and lost the future of being with his Soul Mate because he was thrown out of grace and destroyed by those he thought he trusted? How freaking sad and fictional. Right? So is it better to have detachment within ones longings so that we avoid suffering? I say no--I would rather grieve a melancholy relationship's death than never have had the experience at all.

I was married once. A long time ago. I truly and whole-heartedly believed the man I married was "the one". I truly followed my Spirit-self and honored the construct of marriage as it was delineated within my own sociological belief system so that I could be the Perfect Wife and Partner for a man whom I thought would be the Soul Mate to my idealistic image of Partner. I followed the guidelines within my religious beliefs to a "t", thinking that I would be with the man who would leave his father and mother and cleave to me as his other half...

Hilarious. I married the wrong guy. I can't tell you who the "right guy" would have been. And truth is, my children came from this Union of false pretence, so hey, I can't complain too much. I have the most beautiful and amazing children on the planet, in my humble opinion. So I married the wrong parter in my quest for the Perfect Mate, but I have 3 awesome kids to show that in spite of my naivety, I still made the right decision. I was injured immensely by my own idealism because it wasn't realistic. But do I give up on my ideals because he was less than what I needed? No way! In fact the opposite, now I know who I AM so I will not ignore those signs in the future of traits that are not compatible with mine. We live and learn.

Earth and Sky: Molding the Perfection of Humanity

There are dozens of historical mythologies that explain the love of the Universe to the Earth through the use of Soul Mate language. In the Mayan Popul Vuh, we see that Heart-Of-Sky (The Creator) spoke into being all things on Earth. The gods Hurricane and Plumed Serpent (also known as Quetzalcoatl) fashioned the Earth and all life upon it. After the first group of men, made of wood, were destroyed in a Great Flood, a young goddess, Xquic, was impregnated by the fruit of a tree that was a god and gave birth to the Hero Twins. The Norse mythology was similar and just as infused in sexual union. Ymir, the first Giant, was born of the fire and ice of the Earth. First male and first female came from his armpit (how romantic). The great cow Audumla was born out of the ice, and he licked the ice into the shape of the female giant Buri. Buri's son Bor married Ymir's daughter and they had the first gods, Odin, Vili and Ve.

Adam and Eve were also formed by Yahweh according to the Torah. They also had children whom would have had to marry siblings to start the first race of mankind. The Egyptian goddess Isis married her brother Osiris, which caused his brother Seth jealousy and rage so that Horus killed Osiris and Isis had to put him back together again. In Maori mythology, Ranginui was the sky father. In this story, the sky father and earth mother Papatuanuku, embraced and had divine children. We see across the world the use of Gaia as Mother Earth and the Heavens are called Father Sky. Children born of the Union are among the great natural creations of the planet (ocean, wind, rivers, natural disasters, volcanoes, etc). Growing pains are akin to the Earth's shiftings and changings.

But these animistic and mythological characteristics are directly related to the human behavior that labeled them as such. Every belief separates MALE and FEMALE, MAN and WOMAN, GOD and GODDESS. Every story of creation and the awakening of the Planet has elements of procreation, connection of Soul-Earth and Spirit-Sky. the planting of the seeds and awakening and the blossoming of the Tree of Life. So I'm an idealist and a lover of poetry. And I stay young by finding these images among the clouds and meditating while on a swingset. What memories and attachments create that fission of atomic explosion between your Earth and Sky Union?

So what is that EXPLOSION within you? When does your fire and ice meet to flow into life? I love the mess. I hate the breakup. I miss the passion when it's gone but don't miss the fighting or the anger. I want the electricity that the gods and goddesses throw at us. But most would rather have the comfort of a nice wedding, an average home, a backyard for the kids, and a decent school district. Do I wait for that alchemy or do I give in to "settling"? And the worst choice is when we have to make that decision when we already HAD that passion and it's gone...what can replace what was once not replaceable?

Exp>Dating and the Tragedy of Comedy

As I mentioned, I have done the reminiscing thing. As we all go through processing grief, we either feel totally alone or seek out comfort and help through our sadness. Or we go back and rationalize WHY we got ourselves into the position of being in that position. Comedy out of tragedy: it would be great if everything ended like it does in Hollywood. But, of course, with the liberation of familial ties and marital bonding for life, we have created a great society filled with comedic tragedies:

- Men who are single are considered The Bachelor of The Year; Women who are single are still considered the "spinster" type if they choose not to marry or have kids by their 30's. When is a man allowed to be lonely? And when is a woman allowed to be happily single? Sexual conquest is the most celebrated and still controversial part of dating in U.S. culture in the 21st century.

- Like Zeus, Odin and Solomon, a man is considered a god if he has conquests. This is still true today among many cultures and beliefs. If a woman was to do the same, she would be labeled derogatory names. Why can a man have a wife half his age and woman not be given the same allowance of acceptance? Truth is, whether you agree with it or not, even if you find it disgusting or perverted, a man with a young woman on his arm is still accepted world-wide.

- A woman aging, however normal, is considered "washed up" according to our standards of false beauty--even the goddess stories tell of those who are given eternal beauty are blessed. But a man ages and he is distinguished. I know dozens of women who would still want to see Sean Connery in bed (born in 1930), but I don't know many men who would approve of a woman the same age in theirs.

- Women over 20 date for romance and marriage. Women over 30 date for romance and sex. Women over 40 date for stability. And women over 50 date for companionship. Men always date for sex, sometimes date for romance, seldom date for stability. But they too date for companionship.

- The best part about these generalizations is that, regardless of whether or not you agree with them, they are still true. Not always accurate but still true.

The most amazing part of my "High Fidelity" experience is that I am going back and finding all those ex's are actually either very interesting and most of them very married (and loyal, btw ladies), or they are thrilled to be in touch with me again. I am excited to make old friends my new acquaintances again, which is a pleasant surprise, thanks to the modern technology of the internet and social media. And in the greater scheme of things, I am thrilled to be myself again!! I do love those old Soul attachments and memories.

But now,

On the flip side, to all my gentlemen friends, I am NOT LOOKING FOR SEX. No seriously.

Virtual Connections--An Allegory of Reality

2010-01-31T09:48:00.006-05:00

We live in an amazing time! Think back when there were no cell phones. And when the first CD's were released. I remember where I was when I wanted to use the first hand-held video camera to make my own commercials--and now kids can pick up a camera the size of a playing card to download onto this thing called the internet to create their own webcasts! And here I am, drinking coffee and listening to the birds in the palm trees, while I type on my miniature laptop and create my own stories--and I have a way to share them with everyone though social media sites! Our high school reunions have been through the use of connections and everyone I talk to responds to me on these communities and we can even share our children growing up together through that little camera attached to my little box. And my daughter does her homework via the interactive information sites on the web. And my son can keep in touch with me. And my baby girl started her own club online--the next generation of leaders. We are doing something right. I am grateful for those pioneers who stuck their necks out repeatedly to put out a marvelous, life-changing system of codes that created these innovations for us.

Many people, however, panic at the thought of "invasion of privacy." I have heard from many that they fear what is out there because they don't want the government or whomever to interfere in their lives. This, my friends, is hogwash. First, if the US Government is so inclined through what we allowed to pass as the Patriot Act to monitor for the good of the Nation our every move, so freaking what. I want them to see what I think about what they have done or not done. Second, the more we put ourselves out there, the less likely we fear "invasion" and the more we live our lives as we should. In fact, look at it this way. Those that create those systems of control (agencies who believe it is in our best interest that we are monitored) are more afraid of their own shadow than the millions of us that are angry at the constant stream of injustices within the very nation's borders that created such an act. So why be afraid or upset? We have this technology before us to express what we truly think and feel. Nobody will have the same exact idea, we are still individuals. But we have these gifts of innovation that allow us to be as open about our joy and our children as we have the freedom of expression to share our disdain as well.

So beyond the illusions of control and fear, we have another, more pressing issue at work here. We have the illusion of constructs. The collective consciousness of everyone on this planet is connected. Now, you could have argued with me a dozen or so years ago--six degrees of separation and all that--but we now have the internet. So, even if we did not wish to evolve into a collected and globally reaching nation, we were already destined to do so. But it's in this knowledge that we must also face the other fears we constructed: we are also connected to the thousands we do not relate to and whom many hate or are afraid of being connected to: those of other countries, races, colors, ideologies and religious, many of our kind who believe they are "evil" or "satanic" in nature. I am fully aware that I too have these prejudices that were instilled in me and for which I have had to spend my lifetime ridding myself of these thoughts and constructs. I have had some tragedies in my own life and who I once thought were my "people" and my affiliations are no longer as such because of the handful of selfish, toxic people who created a negative construct for me--the "Religious Right." I have nothing but love for those who have hurt me, and I still struggle with self-righteousness because I feel sorry for them. I am not the Buddha so I am not all loving and detached! But I try.

Meanwhile, I challenge you. Think of this: what are your constructs? What do you believe? Who do you find to be different from you and to whom or what do you answer? Tell me, do you have anger or hatred to the Jihad and suicide bombers of extremist Islamic groups? Do you find you talk to your closest friends and relatives of how shallow people are in Hollywood, or how much you can't stand rap stars or the latest pop sensation? Or do you watch the news and comment how disgusting you find those people whose mugshots are shown on the evening news can be because they killed another drug dealer or raped or murdered someone?

What are you thinking? No seriously. What are the actual thoughts that go through your head every day? Let's go back to the above examples and I am going to bring all this together. (What, you can't understand what modern technology, the Patriot Act, and extremist religions have to do with you? No, I'm not smoking anything.) We are a collective, connected Creation. We are not separate from that which created us! You and I and Mohammed in Afghanistan and that yogi master in India and that child in Australia and those farmers in China and the indigenous tribes of Brazil who have not been named or recorded--WE ARE ALL CONNECTED. And now, more than ever, we can prove this--we have these articles and words and connections all on the internet! We have Google and Yahoo and MSN and the world wide web. Every place that exists on this planet and thousands that we see outside our universe are written about, photographed and recorded through this macrosystem of ones and zeros that translates itself into thousands of languages and megapixels and finds its way into our personal space on the web. The true web of life is virtually streamed into your consciousness! Isn't that amazing??

So many who have come before us in fear, who impose rules and regulations and Acts to impose order or to try and limit freedom cannot do so. The Chinese government may not want its constituents receiving information freely. But it's still out there to find. Even the "bad" stuff, like pornography and American violence in cinema, is still a part of the greater whole on the internet. We allow the American press agencies to show us how bad the world is when a major disaster strikes. We allow forums like meetup.com and craigslist.org to connect us when we need something. We allow music to flow freely and movies to be downloaded. And we can even watch our favorite television programs, sometimes for a price. We capitalize on wholesale-retail commerce through website constructs that sell everything from cars to clothing to pieces of land. And we communicate to one another.

This comes to my final point thus far: so what do you do with this information? If your conscious mind is connected to criminals, extremists, prejudices, governments, and all other sorts of corruptions, how do you manage your thoughts, what you do and with whom you connect? According to the comprehensive yet considerably subjective site called Wikipedia, "Collective consciousness refers to the shared beliefs and moral attitudes which operate as a unifying force within society." (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Collective_consciousness). Have you heard of the terminology "memes"? A meme is suppose to be a quantifiable unit of information that is passed from one being to another which in turn affects the receiver's genetic code. This is an amazing concept. If we are affected by our input, and we evolve accordingly (emotional development is a symptom to this collected information being downloaded onto our brainwaves-hard drive), then it is also our responsibility to affect those around us in kind.

What am I saying? I am pointing out that it is all of our responsibility to go back to basics and learn what it takes to create a greater society: Do unto others as you would have done to you. One statement that affects us all. How do we do that? We have to re-think our thoughts! We must rewire our brains. We need to take a step outside ourselves (not literally unless you have the awareness to do so) and see what we are inputting and outputting each day. If everyone of us that does this teaches others to do so, we have affected those by one degree. If we put it out for those who we have affected to teach the next generation, or their friends, and so forth, we can affect two degrees or three degrees and so on. I write this today because I am fully aware that I can send this message to many who will affect even further, from my friends who are missionaries (hello to all those from Wheaton!) to those who are professors and scientists, to those who live in the US under that very same Patriot Act, to those who I know throughout the world who I have met along the way who I share a common forum and chat through Facebook and other social forums.

I have recently become an ordained minister of sorts. SO now I have a new forum and also even a minimal elevation of responsibility to enhance my own existing network so I may give freely the gifts of gratefulness and true love and compassion to all who come into contact with me. So you want to know my thoughts? They are thus: I truly love everyone as I love myself. And my experience on this planet we call Earth will be one of creating a light that will affect MY world and those around me because I am truly grateful we are all connected. As for the destroyers of this world, I see you too. And so does everyone else. So we will have to embrace that part of ourself that is destructive, learn to love it, and evolve. So we can change as a Collective.

Anyone want to come over for a cup of coffee and listen to the birds with me?

Chapter 4: Relationships---People Pressure and the Gift of Discernment--Part 1 of 2

2010-01-26T14:31:00.004-05:00

Once you begin to familiarize yourself with the worlds of love that benefit your environment—your agape (your being, doing, wants, needs and desires), you will begin to see that there are objects, experiences and paths you don’t need! This is a great revelation for those who are bombarded with peer pressure or feel compelled to act or look like what we are “told” is successful or beautiful or popular. People will begin to see that your inner being is reflecting more and you will notice others around you that want to know what you have been doing that makes you so, well, different.

The truth is once you start looking at everything you are given as a gift—your family, your friends, your city, your body, your situation—you will desire to be centered more and more. You will be blessed with more and more abundance of gifts because the Universe responds to your gratefulness as a reflection of the receiving of gifts. Going back to the example of the visualization: Do you really desire that which you visualized? Do you need that cell phone (whatever object you chose)? Is it important to you for the right reason (your beliefs)? And can you look upon it objectively as just that—an experience for this lifetime?

Let me explain a little more before I am ready to explore another “world.” You may ask, “Why would I receive more blessings by being more grateful?” Well, the Universe sees everything as a gift! The “good” and the “bad” are gifts we receive regardless of their initial origin. Okay, bear with me. IF we have thoughts that go out to the Universe/Collective Consciousness that are constantly “negative” in nature by definition, we will receive what we send out. It’s like a radio system that allows us to gauge the outcome of our thoughts, whether or not we are aware of it, that allows us to receive what we believe we deserve!! Is this starting to make sense?

If we believe we deserve what the world around us gives us, we cannot change the outcome of our thoughts which then give us what we have sent out. Therefore if we constantly think upon the negative of the Universe—disasters, accidents, and our fears of death—we create those realms around us. NOW I am not saying we subconsciously want cancer or a terminal illness, but these too are given to us as part of our life experience! It’s a weird concept, I know, but it’s true.

Now, being grateful for everything, including disasters and illnesses, then allows the Universe to give us the experiences and needs we desire by returning higher vibrations. We find disasters heart-wrenching and we are saddened by the loss of human lives, especially if they are around us or we are directly impacted by them. But after the sadness dissipates, what can we find grateful about those experiences? Maybe that we are alive!! Or that they are not suffering from illness or poverty or anything that physically challenged them. Or that the loss creates awareness of our own humanity (this will definitely be explored later).

We desire what we need. And we think about these needs. Our needs may be elemental like housing and food and shelter, but they can be more in depth such as recovering from a loss and safe travel and passage. They can also be the higher thoughts that can help a child that is raised impoverished to achieve their goals—they are focused more on the outcome and whatever it takes by the gifts of the challenges of their environment.

So again, I challenge you to look within. What do you think? What is going through your head? Do you sit and watch the news and find yourself miserable in your daily life? Or do you find outlets to learn that create a more pleasant environment? Remember I talked about agape love? What is your environment like?

People Are Strange—Creating our Own Worlds in the Company of Others

In this chapter, I want to explore philia love – the relationships we have with other souls who connect us together with our world. You love those who are around you for different reasons. You love your parents (possibly), or siblings, or friends, or spouse, or coworkers, or the guy who serves you coffee in the mornings, as a way of reflecting your own love for humanity. It’s the construct of the human “family” that gives you that kind of love. We are all created to look, sound, and breathe alike. I mean, yes, we may not understand each other exactly (some people speak other languages, others have a different physical appearance), but we all are born, live and die. Right?

Interestingly, our thoughts internally are also fed and nurtured by our relationships with others around us. For instance, we may spend an hour everyday meditating, focusing on our dreams, imagining a beautiful world around us. But as soon as the meditation and quiet time is over, we enter the real world and spend the other 16 hours or so in the day with other people awake. Then if we are lucky, we can focus our minds in our dreams on those pleasant experiences we want to manifest unconsciously. But that is not always something we can remember.

So how do we see and react to those around us? Who is closest to you in your inner circle? Do you have intimate relationships with others, such as parents, children, or partners, who are a positive reflection of you, who tell you the good and the bad, and who can nurture your dreams and growth? This is all too often not a reality. It is usually those closest to us that are the most challenging to our growth.

Let’s dispel a major obstacle to this kind of relationship love: prejudice. We are taught to create a barrier between us and “them”. Do you have a “them” from whom you learned to be separate? Again, this goes back to your thoughts. Dig deep. Or maybe just look at the surface of those around you. What color is your skin? What color do you “see” yourself? This is not rocket science. Your eyes tell you that your skin is the shade you see it. Right? Now, what do you see around you with your closest relationships? What do you feel about the color of the skin of those around you?? Do you have any prejudices? Do you think to yourself, “those people are not related to me because they have a different skin color.” If so, we need to work on this before we move on.

More Than Skin Deep – Going Further Within

Now, seeing that those around us are the most challenging most often, did anyone in your family or your life teach you that we are different because of skin color? Okay, if that’s the case, then that’s where you start to peel away the layers of thought. Radical idea number one: Nobody is different because of skin color. That is a learned social construct, and it is not real. It is only as real as we make it out to be. We may not “relate” to someone because our parents, friends and family tell us that those of another “color” act or think differently from us. But do they really? I mean, don’t they too worry about what others think of them? Don’t they too have parents and siblings and friends? Don’t they too face challenges because of their personal experiences. Of course they do. So what separates us by color is only based on a system of irrational fear and false teachings.

The first time I experienced a truly racist experience was in high school. We used to travel a lot with our acting competitions, called Speech Teams, throughout the Chicago area. I remember the reactions of my teammates going into predominantly racially differing neighborhoods and the false elicitations of fear. Once we traveled to a high school that had locks on the doors and metal detectors at the entrances. This was because there were gang problems within their city’s social systems. We never truly understood the challenge by analyzing our own reactions. All we knew was that they lived in a “different” world because they had to deal with local violence and prevention, whereas we did not have those challenges in our school.

Yet, the immediate association was that it was because they were African-Americans living in an inner city school system. Wow. How do we go from metal detectors and violence to skin color? We are taught this. So that is how we reacted—associating the two together. I can’t recall an exact comment from anyone on the team, I just remember the sentiments of uneasiness caused by the entranceway of the school.

Does this mean all African-American schools have that kind of violence because they are a violent group of people? Heck no! But we have to deal with the media’s idea of African-based countries and the violence and terrorism that is caused by the social constructs of some, not all, of these environmental systems. We see what has happened to dictatorships in Africa, the destruction to Haiti (most recently with the series of earthquakes that has changed their nation completely), the gang violence in major cities in our country, and the poverty that is associated within these communities.

But this has nothing to do with skin color. It has to do with hundreds of years of being told that skin color mattered that created systems of imbalance, like apartheid in South Africa and European-based dominance and slavery. These conditions exist. Yes. But does that mean that all babies born with brown or black-hued skin are violent? No way!! So why do we as a nation “label” and treat people differently?

How about you? Using more than just that example, how do you see people around you with different colored skin? Do you look upon them as equals? Or do you see that maybe your life lessons are not much different than theirs? Do you think that on this gigantic planet we call Earth that there may be people that have a different language or country or skin color that are more loving, more caring and more attentive to their compassionate, giving self than you? Of course there are. And does it not occur to you that maybe they have it better off because of whatever their situation because then they are given tools that we may not have in their society to learn to love fully?

One Big Happy Family – Learning to Love the World We Live In

Let’s step outside ourselves and our family for a moment. Evaluate your immediate surroundings. Take our your notebook. Write down your closest relationships. Include everyone you experience or have experienced in your lifetime thus far that has been close to you (remember, include those who are no longer with us):

• Parents. The obvious first relationship you had was with your parents. It may have or have not been one or both biological beings that created you. It may include a step-parent, a grandparent, or a guardian who raised you. Write them all down.
• Siblings. Write down everyone that you include as a sibling, biological, by marriage, or somehow connected to you through a parental figure.
• Immediate Family. Include grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins and all relatives as far out as you can go. List everyone you know influences you from your family tree.
• First Friends. Who are the closest friends you had in your life? Think of who you talk to on your social networks. But also remember those who you grew up with in your neighborhood environment.
• Teachers, Mentors and Leaders. Do you remember all your grade school teachers? Can you remember who taught you music, art, or coached your little league team? Do you have a memory of your family’s religious leaders (pastors, priests, rabbis, and so on). Or your parents’ friends and the neighbor kids’ parents?
• Associates, Coworkers, and Classmates. Who were closest to you in your early years growing up? Who did you hang out with, and who did you have to see on a regular basis? What clubs, sports, activities were you in? And how well did you get to know them? Do you remember that one person from summer camp or from the playground? Do you have a memory of that family that lived down the street, or the classmates who were with you throughout your life in school?
• Societal Members. And finally, take a look at those in your community, now and before, who had some kind of impact on you for some reason.

Once you have written down all those you can remember (if you are like me, there will be dozens of names to recollect), you can start by taking a few at a time, or working through until you have them all down. Now, write next to each name all the physical characteristics you know about them--height, weight, ethnicity, appearance. Write down your first thought about that person. You don’t have to go into much detail, but now finally write an emotion you have about them.

This is going to be your relationship guide. This is how you associate yourself with other people. Once you finish a simple list, go back and read every word you wrote. Here’s what I want you to do:

1. Physical appearance is a non-judgmental characteristic. It is a given—they were born into this particular appearance. Therefore this is not going to influence how you look at them unless you see a difference in them that causes you to think of them as “different”. For instance, if they were in a wheelchair, you would look at them as “handicapped” physically in some way, but do you see them as more or less fortunate than you?

2. Take a look at your emotional response to each individual you listed. Why did you write that particular word? Or why did you use that particular description? This is thus what YOU see in them and in the world. NOT who they may be.

3. Now the fun part begins: Take each name, and each one’s characteristics and emotions, and find ONE thing per person you see in them when you knew them that is the same as something about YOU. This is the mirror from which I want to see all your relationships as we progress throughout these chapters. How do you see them in relationship to yourself?

Here are some good examples:

Mother – physical appearance is obviously like me since it is related to me biologically. Socially, she is very outgoing and talkative like me. Emotionally, I find she is different because she likes to talk about other people often to others, which is a source of major contention between us. Do I find I do that? Sometimes. But do I mean it to be mean? Not really. Thus, should I be careful about what I say to other people about those closest to me. This is a resounding yes.

Son – looks just like my family, like me and my brothers especially. Shy and reflective. Dry sense of humor. Loving. But also sometimes gets angry at injustices and loses his temper. Do I do that too? Of course I do. Do I let it get at me? Yes. And do I sometimes say things out loud that may be hurtful when I feel wronged? Well…where do you think he got that from?

Best friend in high school – Very talented, beautiful voice, loving, great mom, adoring wife, amazing as a spiritual leader. When we spent time together in the younger years, she was very insecure with her relationships with men before she was married. It was a direct reflection of what I too experienced. Our methodologies were different, but we were the same type of woman—physically attractive women with insecurities within ourselves that limited us intimately. She was able to overcome this within her marriage. I was not. But I remembered what I learned from her—how to stand up for myself and not be a “door mat” in relationships with men. But it worked within my social construct for a time, but I eventually outgrew the paradigm of a submissive wife. It didn’t work for me.

Cousin – Compassionate to me as an adult when my children and I were homeless and needed a place to stay. But angry and reactive to her own children, and unable to relate to mine. Jealousy and a negative reaction to me caused us not to talk any longer. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I have negative feelings of that summer? Not really, but I do feel bad that she felt let down by what she thought I was and was not doing—it took me a long time to find a good job and I felt I was not able to pay her and her husband back for their generosity. My kids were affected by her reaction to her own children, which came across as angry and negative. But in the end, we both felt wronged in some way. Do I want to hear from her again? Most definitely. And I always think the best about her and her family.

Most difficult boss – I worked for a man once who had all the money you could ask for but was never happy. This sounds like an allegory but I guarantee he does exist. He had a beautiful and famous wife, two intelligent and creative children, and a multi-million dollar home within which I worked. Was I a great employee? Not always. But did I learn from him anything? Yes. I learned I would never marry an unhappy person again, I would never yell at my children and treat them disrespectfully. But mostly I learned that a shrewd business man can run a really tight ship and still never have what he truly wants: joy in his life. Why strive for monetary success if you have to belittle others to get it? Does it make me question my decision to work for him? No, it was one of my lessons. Was I happy that time in my life? Not really, so I attracted the same type of unhappiness—appeared on the outside as altogether, but inside he must have felt as empty as I did.

I could go on and come up with hundreds of examples. I have lived a fully experienced life when it comes to relationships. I have met the poorest people on Earth who are surrounded by love and contentment because of their family. And I have met the wealthiest and most miserable people that I could ever know. I met movie stars who were really humble and had nice families. I met drug dealers who really only cared about their children and thus created that lifestyle out of necessity. I have met religious leaders who beat their children. And I have met talented artists who hate being exploited in the press. And yet I still encounter the hurt and the downtrodden. What am I learning from them?

(Second half tomorrow :)

Chapter 3: Love is a Many Splendored Thing

2009-11-24T13:41:00.010-05:00

So far I have covered ideas that we have choices in what we believe. We can be free from the concepts that there are ultimate “good” and “bad” choices. We know this because they cause a positive or negative emotion, which are illusions. And we know that not all “right” and “wrong” precepts are right or wrong. And finally, I gave you the “keyblade” to reconciling these ideologies: gratefulness. Now, we have our weapon, we have some of our basic treasure, we have deconstructed the first Dreamworld (our country, religion, and beliefs), so now we can start our journey into our first series of adventures to fight the “Heartless”.

All You Need Is Love

Let’s talk about “Love”!! It’s my favorite subject. Let’s break it down into further categories. The Greeks actually have several words we use today for “love”—

• agape (gratefulness) love of blessings, surroundings, food and other objects, community.
• philia (friendship) love of children, love of virtue; can also be love of dating and relationships, what we call romance.
• storge (affection) love by parents and siblings and children.
• thelema (love to do something) love which refers to loving what we encounter in our path, like a sport or a career choice or a creative expression.
• eros (spirit) love of one’s soulmate, true love, divine love

These words can all be used in our modern context. For example, I love my life! I love my friends, my church/synagogue/coven/community, I love great food, a good glass of wine, chocolate and sushi, etc. These are all examples of agape. I love to be cuddled and held (like in Shel Silverstein’s poem above, Hug O’ War.) I love being with my family. I love my darling children and how they have inspired my life. They are examples of storge and also philia. Of course, I love my job and my acting (thelema), I love my partner and my friends and adore them (philia), and I love myself, which can be categorized by many of the above love-names. But through my self-actualization and discovery, I have truly come to love my soul and the Universal conscience that is within me and everyone around me (eros).

We can separate words in the English language that most identify feelings associated with “love”. And thus we can create a plethora of understanding and emotional effects. I am going to break down some of them so we can see that “love” in these definitions is not centered:

• Attraction—the recognition of an energy from one person to another based on a physical or chemical reaction; the energy can be one-sided or two-sided; opposites: unaware, detraction.
• Affection—need to express or receive physical or emotional contact, opposite: isolation.
• Attention—the giving of one’s time and space to another, opposite: avoidance
• Obsession—the idea that one is imbalanced and fascinated with another; opposites: rejection, mutual attraction.
• Infatuation—the imbalanced attraction of one person to another without the other person’s return affections or attraction; opposites: equals, lovers, mates.
• Romance—the creation of an ideal construct within which to give and receive worldly sensual stimulations—tastes, touches, smells, sounds, visions, places and times; opposite: apathy, inattentiveness.
• Desire—the willingness to long after another and focus attention with one’s mind on having that person or event or experience, in any realm; opposite: loathing.
• Friendship—the sharing of one’s being with another through a connection of affirmations and likes; the deeper the friendship, the more accepting of the other’s dislikes and accepting another for themselves; opposites—enemies, strangers.
• Relative—being born into a system of family that through a blood or marriage contract, another human is connected to us; opposite: non-relative.
• Partner, boyfriend-girlfriend, mate—affectionate endearment regarding the commitment or connection with another human being, elemental belief of equality or ownership that states that neither partner can find emotional fulfillment with anyone outside the relationship; opposite: platonic relationship.
• Commitment—a generic term involving the verbal or written contractual agreement that creates a bond between two people (usually, but can encompass polygamous and polyamorous contracts as well); the ability to agree mutually to uphold promises that usually involve fidelity, emotional stability and often material wealth sharing (home, car, food, etc); opposites: break-up, open relationship, non-commitment.
• Marriage—a contract between two people, usually in writing and in verbal agreement, that is recognized by the government that oversees the living arrangements between these people as a binding and unbreakable agreement. It is and was designed to combine and quantify property of and between the two parties, including possessions, land, and children; opposite: living together, co-habitating, any of the non-contractual definitions above.
• Bond—in love, a bond is the spiritual, emotional or physical connection between two people. Marriage and contractual commitments do not require this. But true love (eros) does. In Chemistry, a bond is the electrically charged connection between two atoms; in love it is the same; opposite: repulsion, or solitary/singular; not connected.
• Altruism—the idea that both partners, mates, or connected persons are equally giving to each other; mutual gratefulness based on true and balanced love (eros); opposite: one-sided giving, taking, selfishness.
• Sacrifice—Giving of one’s self completely for the purpose of saving, helping or uplifting another or others; often one-sided, considered a highly honorable trait, and self-motivated—can be self-righteous or self-loathing in nature: opposites: rescued, receiving, taking and selfishness.
• True Love—the ideal connection of love between two people, a person and the Divine, or the combination of the three. This is the balance of centeredness in a relationship which is altruistic, mutually sacrificial, bonded, committed and permanent.

Adventure and Intrigue: The World of Love

Let’s explore this world we call Love. It has many paths, rooms, caves, hiding places, doors, treasures, weapons and healing potions. It can also be a difficult world to navigate, being filled with “heartless” or “emotional vampires” to conquer. I want to take the world apart and fill its rooms with the different types of “loves” and find out how you really feel about them. This is going to be exciting! (Experiencing my own elicited emotion as I write this).

If you had a map what would it look like to you? If you examined the last chapter (war, murder, killing, martyrs, rebels, and vigilantes), it would look rather dark and twisted, I suppose. Like Halloween represents the faces of the ugly and evil to ward off the dead. But you would think this map would be pretty, or fluffy, or fancy, or covered with Valentine’s. Or would it? What kinds of treasures will you uncover to find out about love?

When I think of love, I think of romance (agape). This is synonymous for me. It is your most elemental and natural form of love—the “ouside” layer, so to speak. But this is also the way my mind sees the world around me. I am a sensually heightened person. Therefore my physical experiences are akin to my memories. Most humans have this trait but some of us are more in tune with it consciously. So my romantic thoughts put positive or sensually feel-good memories onto the everyday world around me.

We are going to focus on the love factors we have outside us—agape, philia, storge and thelema. For instance, I love sunshine. I am a beach girl, so I love sand and surf and waves and the sound of the ocean as it comes in and washes my feet. I love the feeling of the sun on my skin. I love the colors of the water and the sky where they meet. I love sunrises and sunsets and find them fully empowering to my “warm fuzzy” feelings of self and being alive. I love the tastes of foods that remind me of the beach, such as fresh ocean fish and oysters and mollusks, so I am reminded of my beach experiences when I eat these foods. I love the tastes of tropical fruits which also illicit a positive and romantic feeling within me. And I love walking in the water on the beach, especially at sunset or at night, so I attach memories of holding hands with the ones I love to this as well. (All of these are examples of agape love and some can be like thelema, since we are doing something we love).

My children and I lived near the ocean for several years together. I have a very passionate and protective love for them (storge). And while I was living on an island in south Georgia, I went through a very emotionally damaging and difficult divorce. The children, of course, suffered greatly at the misappropriation of anger from their father because I chose to leave, so I suffered by not being able to see them, as did they as well. The strong feelings associated with loss were also very much a part of my beach memories, so I had to remedy the situation. So for several years now, I have driven through where we lived and taken my kids to the places where we used to play on the island. We hang out with my closest friends (philia), go ghost crab hunting (thelema), and eat at our favorite local restaurants (agape—the love of food). We play at the local park and I visit the theatre company where I once performed. It has always been a pleasure going “home” with them and making new memories.

I spend a lot of my free time and vacations with the kids visiting the ocean (mostly in Florida, but up the Atlantic coast). I have enjoyed the reconnection with the earth’s most inviting and comforting commodity. I truly feel a connection when I am at sea level; I feel alive! This is a gift I am grateful for and so the map of my experiences within the world of Love at this level (agape) are solidified for me as warm, pleasant memories with sand in my shoes. I fight the memories of the negative (“heartless”) by creating memories to fill the void.

Last year, my oldest daughter was able to spend the summer in Hawaii with her boyfriend and his family. It was a beautiful and memorable trip for her, which led her to have some great, positive memories. She also has a connection with her boyfriend and his family that has been solidified by the experience. I too had a reconnection when I lived in Alicante, Spain in 2004. This was a great way to reconstruct positive and intimate memories of my love of the water; I created a time and space of love and beauty for me. And it also gave me a way to explore what I really wanted to do and be in this world. I learned Spanish, I met a wonderful man who gave me loving memories, and I found my travel bug. So now the ocean to me is a quest. I want to see all the ports and seasides of the world, in every place on this earth, and I want to share it with the ones I love.

Connecting your mind with outside love memories is a wonderful way of making your way through this world with the lens of your brain focused on the nature and creation we have around us.

Finding the Divine Order in the universe by recognizing patterns of ocean tides, jelly fish migrations, hammerhead shark mating seasons, sea turtle egg laying, and so on can give us specifically imprinted memories that tie to emotions that can be transformed into a healing consciousness (the love we call eros). It’s the Natural Divine that allows us to “explore” this world we live in and connect with others who do the same.

Where do you find your blessings lie in your life? What memories can you draw upon to make these “love imprints” upon your soul? Who do you hold hands with or hug or cuddle with or sing silly songs with in the car when traveling? What foods, sounds, smells, events and sights do you remember?

Let’s collect some of these treasures in our bags and move on to do some “heartless” fighting.

Destruction and Rebuilding of Memories into Love

I am currently enjoying reconnecting with my son. Christopher is a great young man. But one of the most difficult things is to share with him these small and simple connections. He is very guarded and as a teenager very shy. I would love to have time to have a complete conversation with him. So I am going to write down what I would say and someday, if he gets past the last two chapters, he will remember the past and know that it is only a part of his life—there’s the future as well! And he will be able to center all of his memories within himself.

I find the most difficult part about being a mother who does not live with two of her children is that I am unable to teach to them daily how much I love them and the world around them loves them. I was blessed to have Jacquelyn live with me last year. We often spent days at a time talking about blessings, purpose, and we used a copy of Deepak Chopra’s Seven Spiritual Laws for Children to give home to the importance of self-actualization and connecting with the Divine and each other. Years of difficulty and life changes made it complicated for her and her sister to coexist, yet it was a difficulty we were working through. In a series of unfortunate events (or fortunate if you see the outcome), she has returned to live with her dad. So this too will be for her ☺.

I use the “keyblade” of gratefulness to fight the memories that were traumatic and dark and emotionally charged (“heartless”). Those memories, just like pleasant happy memories, serve their purpose. THIS is what gives us definition. Suffering is a part of life. We all have our “burdens” and “challenges” to carry. So what if we are able to create our own paths and maps and we focus on our own dreams?

Well, that is possible. In understanding yourself and allowing your dreams to be centered and focused, you can do anything you strongly desire. Desire is created by your connection with the Divine—seeing God (the Universal connection) throughout everything that is in your world. It’s like turning on the lights and realizing you had been walking around in the dark. And it can be created to connect with your environment, the people around you, and the soul within.

Let’s start with connecting with the outside connection to our world. Here’s what you do: First, get out your notebook (you can use the same one from before) and write down everything. It will give you an “outside memory” that is focused. The brain is so complex, it is often hard to remember memories that are hidden away. So writing them down (giving them space and time) is essential for recalling them again when you need them. Give yourself a lot of time and privacy if you can so you can write. If it is helpful, go to a park or a place that is away from others. This will add to the experience of being alone with yourself.

Making the Love List

Make a list of things you have done. Even list those things you want and are about to do. Go back to when you were small and had your first memories of sports, dancing, gymnastics, acting, singing, camping, Scouts or Girls/Boys Club, church choir, whatever it was that you were able to do. Then use your grateful-sword to say thanks for each one. This will build your “foundation,” creating your own Dreamworld. Write down another list of things you truly want to do. This second list, make sure you put down realistic and short-term goals as well as life-long goals. Like I want to pass Spanish class and I want to spend Christmas with my mom (hint, hint). Or I want to find a person I can apprentice with to teach me what I want to do and be. And I want to set my goal by this date and time.

These are your tasks. And you will write these lists over and over again in your life. They are also great memories. So anything you accomplished or experienced that you can attach a love emotion to, write down how grateful you are. Use this time as well to write down how you “feel” about each accomplishment—whether it was something you did you don’t ever want to do again, or something that makes you excited to do another task. Or maybe it’s something you are good at doing and want to keep doing more and more or make a life out of doing, such as your sport or your art or your studying.

Finally, make a third list of all the things that you like. People that want to date put down those things they like about themselves and other people. Sites like Myspace and Facebook both have these kinds of “lists” for you to fill in—you can use your existing lists and expand upon them. Do you like sushi as much as I do? Your favorite pizza, your favorite sandwich, your favorite toy when you were younger, your favorite vacation, your favorite books or TV shows, your favorite friends…anything.

Now you have a treasure box of all those senses around you that are positive in nature. You have created a love list. These will be helpful as you go through further emotions. And at the end, go through and say you are so grateful for all of these blessings.

We are going to explore the other kinds of “love” and how they have their opposites as well. This will give us more emotions to play with and “reconcile” with our “keyblade.”

Love and Hate: Polarized Emotions—Finding the Center

We are taught that “love” and “hate” are opposite emotions. They are not. True Love is in the center of the Universe in your mind, body and soul, and the emotions that are not true are at the opposite ends of what we saw as “good” and “bad”. We see that sometimes we want to work on a Positive Mental Attitude. We are told sometimes by parents that we need to “clean up our attitude” or “stop being so mean.” Now, unfortunately, often the people we love also look at sadness and loneliness as “negative” emotions, as they are so, but they don’t want you to feel those either. You need to be able to feel all your emotions—anger, rage, hate, sadness, jealousy, frustration, and hurt are all emotions that are from fear, but they are just off-centered. Happiness, joy, infatuation, affection, accomplished, and healing are all emotions that are from love in the sense that it is agape or philia or storge or thelema. The closer you are to gratefulness for them the closer all your emotions come into center, or eros—the Love connection with the Creator of your love and life and light.

It has been shown that brain waves function on a scale as well. The higher the emotion, the higher the brain wave. The lower the emotion the lower the brain wave as well. Interesting, science is now discovering though that more intellectually challenging and centered thoughts are creating longer-lasting, thicker brain connections that actually replace the rapid, fight-or-flight ones. So it’s not a matter of living in a temporary state of fear or happiness that benefits brain development. They are “fleeting” emotions. What is most important for human evolution is compassionate, True Love development.

Memories and dreams (future memories) can have attached brain waves to them. For instance, let’s say you wanted a bicycle. You asked for it for Christmas one year. You begged for it, dreamed about it, even found the one you wanted in a particular store. But you never got that bicycle. So all the future memories were positive until the time came and you were disappointed (negative emotion). So the memory then becomes negative.

Now go back and look at that thing you wanted. (Don’t use the bicycle example unless it was a bicycle—it could have been a snowboard or an X-Box or a Nintendo DS, or in my case a pony). And look at how you feel about it now. Ask yourself some questions: Do you feel sad that you didn’t get that object? Or did you learn that you can earn the money yourself? Or did you see that you didn’t really need it in the first place? Or have you decided you still want that object and you can now look at becoming more open to receiving it? (I truly don’t want a pony anymore!)

Go back through your lists once again. Pick some of your favorite things—experiences you have had, what you want to do, and what are your “favorites” so far—and write them out again. Answer the following questions:

1. Did you get to do that, experience that, the way you wanted to? Were you doing your sport, for instance, or playing your instrument or learning a craft because YOU wanted to do it or someone else gave it to you? Write down who and why you had that experience or were given that object.
2. Was it a positive memory? Do you see it as a helfpul tool? If you had not had that treasure would you still be the same person you are today?
3. Was it a negative memory? Did the experience remind you of someone you have lost? Do you feel sad or happy when you think about it or look at it? Did it cause a fight or a celebration? Did going on that experience take away from someone else’s experience? Or did you not finish your classes because your parents could not afford to pay for any more?
4. Write as many positive and negative emotions you can think of and attach them to each other. Then you say thank you for learning all of those treasures. And now you have “centered” that tool and made it whole. So now if you pick up that tool again (sport, craft, etc), it will be knowing it has both a positive and negative emotional result to it and you can continue it with love.

Awareness is the Key to Centeredness

Greater and Greater Vision: Creating Achievable Desires

When I was a young girl, I wanted to travel all over the world. It has always been my desire to see the many cities I saw in books, on television, and in movies. My heart’s desire is to be able to see these places with those I love most of all. Now, I am one of five children, and my parents, not having the same desires, didn’t see the need to travel as a part of a financial gain in their futures. Few I ever dated saw the need to travel for pleasure either, so I did not travel to anywhere I wanted to travel as a couple. Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to travel alone or with my children most often as I had mentioned before.

I want to create my own “agape”. So I plan my own experiences. I want to take a vacation, so I will use this example because every time I travel I gain insight into myself and others. I truly enjoyed the several times I traveled out of the country, so I am desiring to do so soon again as well. So here is how and why I will do so.

First, I know I am worth this trip. I am not going to limit its length because if I am to travel to speak and to network, it may take a longer time than I would normally anticipate. But I know I desire this trip to be a healthy and rejuvenating experience. I am going to visualize this trip as a way to create growth within myself, so I am going to use the seven areas of my life to fulfill this need:

• Spiritual—I want this trip to be to a place that I can be closer to the Divine. I want to be able to spend time with my God and grow closer to the center of myself by this experience. I want to go to places that have been historically spiritual, where other great people have gone or have practiced communicating with the Divine. Therefore, I may choose a spot that is rich in history, both “good” and “bad”, spiritually.
• Mental—I will plan parts of my trip and experience by choosing places I can go to learn more about myself, my world around me, the history of the people in this place, the way they used to live and live today. I will find guides and places to go where I can learn great things about great people.
• Vocational—I will plan to be on this trip to learn more about being an actor, a writer, a director/producer and a speaker to great nations. I will also plan to share this place with my children, whether they can go with me or not, by collecting things to use to teach them about my experiences. These are who I am and what I do, so I will find ways to incorporate those parts of me into the trip. For instance, I may plan to see a theatre show or a ceremony that will let me visualize the characters I am watching as an actor, writer and director. I will also look for people who have similar-minded goals to reach many people to teach and learn how to be centered and I will find out if they need me to teach and learn there as well.
• Financial—I will plan the trip extensively to find out how much I can raise and how much I need to go from place to place. This will even include how much I need to make sure I have the right visas, the right luggage or backpack, the proper clothing, the costs of meals and transportation. I will write it all down and research what it will cost me. There are fantastic guidebooks and websites that have all of these costs in detail as well as places to go and things to see, so I can use guides to plan the trip.
• Familial—Will I be able to travel with someone I love? If so, how much is this going to cost? How much time can they also have for me to go with me—a week or a month or the summer? How many activities can we plan together? Or if I am traveling alone, what do I need to bring to give back to them my experience—a new camera, a cell phone that works overseas, a computer I can bring, or will I just buy phone cards while I am there? Will I need notebooks to record all my experiences for them and myself? And what papers will I need to have my family look after my affairs while I am gone? And if I know the place may contain elements of danger, can I have emergency routines in place—I have heard of many who have been robbed or attacked during vacations and traveling, so I am realistic and aware that my family must be prepared just in case.
• Social—Will I want to spend time alone or with others while I am traveling? How will I safely and effectively meet those like minded to me that will be willing to share their country or city with me? Do I need to make friends before I go? Do I have friends or relatives that live where I am going? How can I create the blessings of teaching and learning while I am there?
• Physical—What will I need to make the most of my experience? If I am traveling on foot or hiking, will I need to work out extensively before I go? Will I need to prepare emergency equipment or buy special clothing for the trip? Will I need to have sunscreen and what can I bring into that country and what can I buy there? Will I need to drink extra water or will the water be drinkable at all? Will it be a good idea to bring water purifiers or food supplements? And is it possible to ship some of my supplies ahead of time to a friend or a hotel or a place where I may be speaking?

So now I will do what I have written about above. I will choose a place to go. I will choose a time I would like to go. I will choose an appropriate arrangement I can and will be able to afford. I will choose a way to pay for it, who will go with me, how much I can bring and what I desire to accomplish while I am there. Then I will start compiling the lists of what I need to do and who I need to contact before and during the trip. I will find out if the place I am going is friendly or hostile to foreign travel and will be prepared for whatever I foresee to be a challenge or issue. And I will visualize the trip in detail. Then I will know I will be going, how and why. I will be grateful for every part of my experience, from the creation of the desire to go to the planning to the challenges and for the experience.

Finding True Desires: Loving Your Self is the Greatest Gift of All

So now I have given you a template on how my experiences and those of others bring about desires. These are the gifts of loving who I am and what I do. In order to grow closer and closer to your Divine self, you must have experiences and times of growth! You can balance the challenges of your life by adding some of these positive ideas to them. But the outcome is the same—the closer you come to your center, the easier it will be every day to make your own life happen.

Take the first step: You are responsible for the world you created. That can be really harsh. Maybe you don’t like your parents. Maybe you feel lonely and like you have very few friends. Maybe you are angry or jealous or hurt because of someone around you. Maybe you don’t believe you are worth it!

But you ARE worth it all because you were created in the image of ALL of creation!! You are divine and perfect as you are, physical ailments and mental challenges and all. You are amazingly beautiful and your Creator loves you unconditionally. Your Divine Soul within you needs to be fed and remember these principles every day.

If you are struggling with something, no matter what it is, find a way to balance it. If you have negative feelings, we will look for ways to look at why you have those feelings and find positive reasons for having those experiences, then say thank you. If you are not able to do what you want to do and are restrained from doing it, then you should love yourself and plan to do things that may take a little time to achieve by removing yourself from those restraints. If you cannot leave whatever your situation, do not give your dreams away. They can still happen in the Divine time they are suppose to happen. Or maybe someday they will not be what you desire at all, but they led you to a greater and more exciting dream for your life!

We will dig deeper into the next chapter on why you have those experiences and people in your life that challenge you. You will find ways to grow with those like you and grow away from those who do not benefit you. You can learn to love everyone, from those that hurt you to those that guide you. Now that you have gotten through the Dreamworld of creating your own outside love connection and finding your own outer desires, we can balance the emotions that come at you from now on. We can work daily on the way we see our outside environment if we choose to center our inside environment as well!

Chapter 2: Tapping Into the Rebellion: “Right” and “Wrong”

2009-11-22T11:18:00.004-05:00

In this chapter, I want to look at the idea that we believe what we are told. Do you believe you think outside the box? Our society ponders the connection between creative and outside-the-box thinkers by linking them with personas that are rebellious. It’s a paradox. But is it really?

We create a world in which our children are taught to be studious, creative and independent. We place a lot of credence in methodologies of education and advancement. But when it comes down to rebellion, our system often puts a stopper on it at the level of adolescence. Parents want their kids to be geniuses, but when they go against the norm, it becomes less acceptable. Stories show that “rebels” learn to be the greatest examples of “higher good” of the people.

Rebel With a Cause: Stereotype of the “Bad Boy”

Using a great cultural iconic example, we have a great respect for the Republic in the Star Wars series and their forces joined by a common enemy, The Empire. We see strapping, young Luke Skywalker (Episode 4) as a rebellious and angry young orphan who uses his anger and inner character to fight against a system of Galaxy-wide injustice. Our protagonist is tapped as a Jedi by his happenstance encounter with the android R2D2 (assistant/guide) containing a hidden message for Old “Ben” Kenobi (teacher) to interpret. As we see throughout the entire 6-part series (the prequels being about the creation of the Dark Force), we find that “good” must overcome “evil” by a battle of the “Force” from the rebels that must defeat its opposition.

Okay, having summarized another fantasy story as an allegory for opposition story telling, we see that this formulaic approach can be used in a lot of influential genres that we have stored in our memory banks. What other rebels-as-heroes can we pick out as triumphant, using their special “powers”, intelligence, and thinking-outside-the-box quick thinking to overcome a darker or larger force? And what historic figures do we automatically draw as our source of dark and evil control that would give us such a continuation of these stories?

There’s of course Indiana Jones outsmarting the Nazis (the obvious antagonist that is actually the theme behind most large-scale American comic villains; we see this even in Batman and Superman comics post-World War II). Besides the anguishing dark sides of our superhero comics, we also see a similar anger and rebellion against a corrupt system in Robert Ludlum’s James Bourne series, the exposure of Russian and other terrorist groups’ corruption in the James Bond series, the hot-bad-guy-turned-good persona in Escape From New York, The Road Warrior’s Mad Max, and even in the venerated James Dean’s Rebel Without A Cause. We are given (in these cases male) personas that lived, ate and breathed their vigilante causes and triumphed as both conquering “evil” but in many cases still wanted by the Law Man.

Let’s stretch outside the box of the typical rebellion story. Defining rebellion can also encompass tragic and heartwarming acts of human courage and bravery against a corrupt and often limited social construct. An obvious example would be Martin Luther King, Jr., who was of course killed for his rebellion against the oppression and segregation of minorities in the South in the 1960’s. But there were also the brave men and women who enabled slaves to be freed by aiding their journeys and creating a system of safe points known as the Underground Railroad which led to the Civil War. There was a large group of free-thinkers throughout Europe who fought against the Nazi tyranny and also created a system in which to free targeted Jewish citizens from Nazi-occupied territories, many of whom where murdered for their roles in rebelling against the establishment. And then we have the non-typical rebellion role, passive and stoic, such as Mother Theresa and Gandhi, who offer a true and amazing change to the idea of the “rebel”.

The National Rebel: World Leaders and the Good v. Evil Construct

Okay, you say, this is well and good--history lessons well taken. Let’s take it to another dimension of rebellion. Jesus Christ, Joan of Arc, and Steven Biko were all martyred for their stances as leaders against corrupt, flawed, and oppressive systems. But what do we know about witch burnings, for example in this country in the early 1800’s? Or how do we view pagan slayings during the Reformation in Europe in the 1600’s? Are we now to look upon these as “good” versus “evil”? Weren’t they martyrs for their beliefs? Many who would honor Gandhi’s stance against oppression as a world leader and peacemaker would never once consider the pacifism of a Salem witch as heroic or rebellious. Less we forget, Gandhi came from a religious point of view as well as a Hindu, yet he was an example of free will and mind. But why do we believe witches were thus closed-minded or “evil”?

Many modern extremists in our country band against the teaching of such peacemakers because they did not share the same belief system. History is often rewritten to include “heroes” that were not so noble and eliminate “rebels” that may have been more enlightened or peaceful than the settlers that conquered them. Do we give homage in this country to Native American shamans and leaders who were advocates of peace and harmony? Or do we remember the names of those who conquered them?

The Evil Empire

So who or what do we see now as the “common enemy”? Obviously, Nazi-occupied Germany, Fascist Italy and the Russian Bear are no longer world threats to our “American” construct and way of thinking. We find that our national infatuation with “terrorism” can give us a hefty boost of good vs. evil drama. We know that terrorists in any country are a “threat” to our freedom…right? Is it our sworn duty as a nation to eliminate these threats from the world? Think about this before responding. I am not talking about the individuals who have chosen a path to fight for what they believe is right, like our enlisted forces. I am talking about a social, systematic construct that allows an entire country or group of people to spread an ideal such as Capitalism (and in many cases the ideology of Christianity) to extremist nations that are ruled primarily by fundamentalist factions of Islam—Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan…eventually throughout other nations that also surround our US-protected and venerated Nation of Israel. Can we justify the statement that many of our own citizens believe we are reviving and engaged in a “holy war”?

Let’s talk about terrorist and extremist behavior for one moment. Seriously, this is poignant enough to ponder. Now, as free thinking readers, what is your stance on the allowance of systematic murder in the name of ideology or religion, called “war”? Like the Crusades? Can you tell me there is a rational reason to eliminate Palestinian citizens in the manner in which the national armies of Israel have been allowed to do? And do we as a nation truly support systematic murders?

Think outside the box: who are extremists? We can say they are groups that adopt a belief system and create an inner justification to live and die by its precepts, giving credence to its superiority and unilateral “rightness”. Or more simplified: they believe they are always right and will die and kill for their beliefs. I have heard pastors on Sunday mornings in what are known as “mega-churches” actually claim that we are at war as a nation with Iraq because God told us this is our destiny. Does that make one side “right” and the other “wrong”? So who is killing whom for their beliefs? And do we “serve judgment” on an entire nation because of religion? Some extremists believe that we do.

I took a great class in college on Public Policy. This is the study of how a nation’s government and policies are created, implemented and enforced based upon a common or perceived need. A policy in the United States in the 1820’s that allowed landowners to buy, trade and sell slaves is obsolete in our current country’s system, but the impact and enforcement of that system was a controversy long after its abolishment under President Lincoln. So if we have a policy in our country that “protects” our citizens by allowing the government to monitor every moment of our privacy, can we accept this logic as a necessary means to an end to prevent terrorism? We thought slavery was a necessary means to an end in the 1800’s. We allow our country’s precepts to dominate its ideologies. It is called “ripeness”—the idea that a large movement of thought can sway a whole nation’s policies by implementing what is important in the NOW.

The Days of Our Lives—Back to Individual Thought

How does this affect you? Let’s deconstruct and balance out each of the ideas that surround us. I am not saying by any means that a policy on slavery and The Privacy Act are the same. All policies are different. What I am saying is that they both were right for the time in which they were implemented. Ah, don’t read into this as if I support or endorse either one!! My personal opinion is thus veiled very lightly on the connection. But we as a nation offer several learning points in this discussion:

1. We believe our leaders when they tell us what is “right” for us. This means that we have chosen as a nation to implement a system that works to allow us to run under the idea that we are all given inalienable rights and we all fall under the same guidelines of the Constitution. We have to believe this in order for it to be true. How do we come to believe this? Through our Education: we are taught the precepts of the Constitution and we are told that we all have these rights and freedoms as citizens of this country.

2. We believe what we see, read, and hear. The media tells us what laws are implemented and what laws are broken and often by whom. We are given a myriad of choices through the television networks, the internet, the press and through word of mouth. And often many people believe what they hear without questioning the content or authority from which it came.

3. We also give our credence to authorities we respect within our belief systems. We formulate what we learn from where we learn it--whether it be from teachers, pastors, politicians, or the guy next door who works within the system. So we formulate our beliefs about what is “right” and “wrong” based on those contexts. These experiences are why we are here on this planet and why we are born into our respective citizenships. Right? Are we given what we believe or do we choose it?

4. We believe that because we have a system of “right” and “wrong” that our leaders will implement that system accordingly. Our country, as well as many others like ours, are highly educated and have a great movement of nationalism called “patriotism”. We believe that our elected officials under the system of Checks and Balances will “do the right thing” for its people. If not, the imbalance would be checked. Or would it?

5. This idea of nationalism gives our governmental system credence, setting up the belief that we are a just and right nation. We pay our taxes, support our troops, send our kids to public schools, and we take pride in our worldly superiority and progressive leadership among the nations in our stances on Global Warming, Environmental cleanup, World Heath and as the home of the United Nations. But if you personally have seen injustice within our national Law or the Court systems in your own experiences, do we still believe that at a national or international level there is an untainted version of justice? How can we garner respect from others when our own backyard needs cleaning?

6. We thus equate the righteous vigilante and Rebel with a Cause to our nation’s foreign policies and decision-making processes. If we equate the allegory of the fantasy character of justice—Batman, Superman, Spiderman, Luke Skywalker, Underdog, whomever—to the idea that we have a representative to fight the Big Evil, don’t we see the connection between our Rebel-endorsing, John Wayne-loving nation and its “rightness” to implement justice throughout the world?

Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes—Digging Deep Into Memory

Let’s use a closer to home example to show we believe what we are taught. When we were kids, we heard rhymes, songs and tales that ruled our worlds, imaginary and real, and often they were intertwined. My children and I have always loved to sing together. And as all “good” parents and children do, they learn and pass down their songs within their families. Sayings like “don’t step on a crack or you’ll break your mother’s back” were for hopscotch-style play, but they also illicit emotional memories for those that remember what it meant for them. Song lyrics do the same—they attach to memory and ideology and emotion. These are the precursors of system beliefs.

Here are some great examples from my experiences. Again, I was raised an American, Midwestern girl within a Christian-based system. So I learned early on that what I learned in school and at home was “right”. No question.

• I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America. And to the Republic for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.
• Rock-a-by baby, on the tree top, when the wind blows the cradle will rock, when the bough breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all.
• O! Say can you see by the dawn’s early light, what so proudly we hail at the twilight’s last gleaming; Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight, o’er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming. And the rocket’s red glare, the bombs bursting in air, gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. O! Say does that star-spangled Banner yet wave, o’er the Land of the free and the home of the brave.
• Twinkle, twinkle little star, how I wonder what you are; Up above the world so high, like a diamond in the sky…
• Silent night, Holy night, all is calm, all is bright; ‘round yon virgin, mother and child, holy infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace, sleep in heavenly peace.

Can you look back and see how these may have been created and recited to incite ideologies? Here are some stranger ones:

• Peter Peter, pumpkin eater, had a wife but couldn’t keep her, he put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well.
• Milk, milk, lemonade…(ugh, you know the rest!)
• Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, Jack jump over the candlestick (does anyone else have images of The Muppets?)
• Jack and Jill go up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.

Okay, if you can’t see the double-meaning in those, think they didn’t have some kind of early imprint? I was raised during a time of conflict as well. Education took a turn for the better, in my opinion, and my highly enlightened teachers gave me several gifts of wisdom. We had “the whole worlds in our hands.” And even the media and advertising were aimed at One Love. Here’s one of my favorites from Shel Silverstein’s Hug O’ War:

I will not play at tug o’ war
I’d rather play at hug o’ war
Where everyone hugs
Instead of tugs,
Where everyone giggles
And rolls on the rug.
Where everyone kisses,
And everyone grins,
And everyone cuddles,
And everyone wins.

Peace, love and happiness were the more obvious goals of the author’s intent. I wanted that happy ending so badly as a child! I learned about the Vietnam War and those that were drafted—why were we fighting over in a place we didn’t want to be? Or that is what I learned. Do you think I would be more apt to believe in war as a way to solve conflict if I had not been taught messages of peace?

Do you think children don’t have lasting imprints that are detrimental or potentially harmful? Here are some I found that were not part of my childhood experience:

A devil goes through the land,
It's the Jew, well-known to us
as a murderer of peoples,
a race defiler, a child's horror in all lands!
Corrupting our youth
stands him in good stead.
He wants all peoples dead.
Stay away from every Jew,
and happiness will come to you!
(The Poisonous Mushroom, by Julius Streicher, Nazi Germany)

A slaughtered little girlie,
In the park and made her bed:
Her hair all gold and curly,
And a bullet through her head.

(The Little Girl, by Agniya Barto, Russian WWII poem)

I think I have said enough on the subject that we believe what we are taught for you to make your own determinations. Go back and think about what you have learned. Now, with the internet, Saturday morning cartoons, Public Television, and advertising, we can remember more about the plights of Big Bird, Oscar, Bert and Ernie than we can those early rhymes. And we learned our earliest sharing lessons from Ronald McDonald. So what do you remember?

Taking Your World by the Horns

Let’s deconstruct this balance even further. We have established that where we are born, what body we are born into, determines our national, local, and often religious identity. We are given a set of parents, neighbors and teachers that influence our decision-making (teachers can be, like Obi Wan Kenobi, from anywhere). We are also surrounded daily by drive-by news and short-term internet posts. We try and educate ourselves, but isn’t it completely overwhelming? How do we catch up with it all? It’s impossible, even as an adult who has all the free time in the world, to glean a true and proper understanding from everything we see, read, hear or know.

So, what can we do? First, remember that everything I equated together is through MY filters and processing. Everything I have brought together thus far gives my knowledge and experiences these angles and this structure. I think in rebellious ways. So we can throw the whole thing out above and you can tell me to jump in a lake. Everything I know and have learned may be nothing at all.

Or you can think about your own life and put pieces of the puzzle together as I have done. Once we start to add pieces to the picture, the picture becomes clearer and clearer. But any good puzzle maker knows that the picture has to be very detailed and very complicated to be of a greater size. I’m no longer doing 200 piece puzzles; 1000 and above, that’s my motto. So what can you see as your own image as you add the pieces together?

So I ask you some personal questions. This will make individually incorporating your thoughts easier to identify:

1. What country are you from? Where are your parents from? Your grandparents? Have you read or informed yourself by reading its bylaws, precepts and governing ideologies? Do you know the real meaning behind its stances? Is it a democratic, republic, monarchy, communist, socialist or theology-based country?

2. Where do you stand in relation to your government’s system? For instance, are you a card-carrying Republican, Democrat, Independent, Libertarian or Green Party member? Do you believe in more conservative or liberal principles in your own life? Are you for the idea of taxation, against it, or don’t care? And do you have an opinion and use your right to vote? Do you believe in the military and the right to bear arms? Do you believe in social services and public education? These seem like petty ideas compared to the study of the entire Universe, but I’m trying to prove a point ☺.

3. What do you believe about spirituality? Do you believe in the existence of a God, a higher power, or a driving universal force? Or do you believe that nothing truly exists but our energy forces and the matter we call existence. Do you base your opinions and ideologies from a spiritual point of view or do you run them through a scientific filter first?

4. Do you have knowledge and wisdom about other countries, religions, beliefs and ideologies, past and present, in our modern world? Have you been blessed to study human history in different capacities? Are you aware of what exists out there? Have you been exposed to individuals of other beliefs as well—if you are a Christian, do you know any Muslims? Or Buddhists? Or Atheists? Or Pagans?

5. So with this educated mind you have been given, do you see that other systems of beliefs, ideologies, religions, politics and laws may be “right” for the citizens in those respective countries, groups and regions throughout the world? Can we judge what others have learned by their experiences? What if we had been born in abject poverty in a gang neighborhood, in Nazi Germany, or in Russia’s Communist years, or in 16th Century England?

“Right” and “Wrong” as Illusions

Do we have a right to say our way of thinking therefore is “right” and others are “wrong”? Certain belief systems, including Judaism, Christianity and Islam, have claims in their tenets that their systems are the only “right” systems. Of course, both of the latter religions coming from Judaism; do we not see that they were created by the same family at the same time? Isaac and Ishmael were brothers, both the sons of Abraham. Isaac was Abraham’s favorite son, according to the Christian Bible, so therefore his descendents were the “chosen” people—Judaism—which then with the coming of the prophesied Messiah, we have Christianity. That’s an amazing leap of faith to give credence to one brother over another to say that God gave them that “right” over the other.

I do not mean to offend my religious brethren. However, examine it this way: If one was chosen as “special” over the other, and not by the father on earth but by the “father in heaven”, wouldn’t God then have gotten rid of the other? Or wouldn’t his chosen have been able to rid the earth at the time of the other belief? Or maybe we can examine it that they all have the same root systems, all have the same “rightness” philosophy, and all use their philosophies and tenets as a system that effectively runs a world-wide campaign to recruit and encompass millions of believers?

When we examine our own precepts and tenets of beliefs, whatever you believe in, do you cross-examine everything? Do you tear it apart, chew it up, and swallow it in a way that you are totally sure of what you believe is true? If that is the case, then I agree with you—Your beliefs are for You. You can feel the presence of your God as I can feel the presence of my God. So what if my God is different from your God? I still know the Presence is there. I still know what I believe is “right” because I have experienced it. So why is mine “right” and yours “wrong” because we don’t have the same faith system?

What do YOU Believe?

So if you truly are a “rebel”, do you question your ideology? Do you truly have conversations with God that answer your questions? Do you feel lost? Or right on target for your life? Do you find ways to justify your beliefs even if they are contradictory to your human or divine natures? Do you examine what you were taught by your teachers, your parents, your community? Do you read your civil rights? Do you have a stance that you can say is “right” without having to say “because I said so”?

I was raised in a very religiously-biased community. But I can guarantee that if I go to my peers and friends that I have known for life, I will find two types of believers. There are those who believe in their faith without question—they act, live, breathe and do what they are told based on a system of “Fear”—fearing the reaction or wrath of one’s God or one’s community within that faith. When I charged head first against that system and took the bull by the horns, I was shunned and ostracized by that community.

Then, there are the other types of believers that I know. And I still love and commune and co-create joy with them today. These are the Rebel Forces—they question God, they question faith, they question their tenets and their pastors and their beliefs. They constantly examine their own lives and how they are as humans and how they treat others as themselves. And they are living and loving truly! These are the friends I praise and admire and learn from everyday. They live on the system of “Love”—embracing the world around them, everyone from every belief and finding the God-spirit in all beings and knowing that we all have the capacity within us.

Going back to our Protagonist—the anguished Superhero type—when you truly examine your favorite characters, do you see where the authors may have added in elements of doubt, darkness, controversy and shame into the reality of the rebel? So can we see how “right” and “wrong” are irrelevant in many ways when deconstructed. “Balance” and “imbalance” are more closely aligned to the idea of being “centered”, and I will discuss this further when understanding more on how to reconcile what we believe with who we are. So let’s go down the rabbit hole further and look at a more detailed breakdown of feelings and emotions and how they can remedy internal conflicts and justifications. What is “Truth, Justice and the American Way”? And where do these attachments come from? Maybe it’s better to examine “To Infinity and Beyond!”

Make a List of What You Believe

I highly recommend at this point you find a blank notebook. This will be a great place to start. Go back through this chapter and write down the answers to all the questions written for you. Where did you get your beliefs from and from whom? Do you believe in a specific form of a Divine Creator? Do you believe in the soul? And write down as much detail as you can. Do you have any specific memories or stories that stand out to you? Do you have any memories of events or conversations that gave you the evidence to what you believe (like if someone made a racist comment and you had a change of feeling about racism because of that comment; or someone did something harmful to you and it made you take a stance on your belief).

Now, go back through what you wrote and say thanks for all you have learned up to this point. If you wish to keep going on this, write down how each of these beliefs makes you feel (“good” or “bad”). And finally, make a list of questions for yourself. Why do I believe each one of these things is true? Question those beliefs—do you see where it is true for me and not for everyone? Do I truly believe that all people in this town I remember were stuck-up, or mean, or all friendly? Do I truly believe that my Creator is the only one or greater than any other? Do I believe that war is a good thing and why? Do I believe that I am a rebel in my thinking? Or do I just believe what I am told? Do I believe someone that influenced me lied to me? Or do I see where they were telling the truth because they believe it?

So finally, remember that emotions are illusions. They are not concrete objects, but real for the experiences you had or have. Go through your list and write a plus or minus next to every belief and feeling. If you believe it is neutral, put both. The truth is every belief is a positive or negative charged system. These beliefs will be reconciled and you can find balance in them. I will be discussing how to do so in further chapters as we explore emotions.

New Chapters in Life--The Pain of Letting Go

2009-11-22T09:12:00.004-05:00

I am moving into a new chapter in my life. I am torn, anguished, finding no solace. At times the pain is excruciating, but at least I know what I am going through. I have removed myself from a three year relationship and it is as if a part of me has died.

Once we get past the denial, the shock and the anger, the pain settles in. It is so difficult to swallow that I could have put so much time and effort into a part of my life that seemed to have failed! But I know I learned so much! Sometimes I can't breathe. Sometimes I imagine "what if" then I remember I wasn't the one that was unable to give completely. In fact, as I write, I imagine myself whole and centered--knowing that I DID give everything I could, and those parts of me I held back were only because the commitment wasn't 100%. I asked for a sign to show me loyalty and it never came...thus I chose to move on.

When is enough enough? When do we call it quits? When do we give all of ourselves or retreat into the safety of our own being? When can we be connected fully with another human being in a monogamous and healthy relationship? All these questions, flying through my mind on a daily basis, show me I have been begging the Universe to make the pain go away, to show me a different path. We can't take back what has been done, but we can direct our lives so that in the future the next challenge we receive we are more prepared to accept it. I have learned to love fully. I have learned to be in a relationship again, even if it did not turn out how I wanted it to be. I have learned to be honest with myself about my own issues and faults and the EGO that keeps me from being centered in Light and Love. I have discovered my own paths and accepted who I am. So in this case, I am so grateful for the pain!

If I had never truly been in love, I never would have known what it feels like to be truly lost and have true sorrow.

I will miss him always...
And forever be grateful for the chance to have been in love!

xoxo Kate

Leaving Chicago--Traveling by Air

2009-11-12T13:10:00.002-05:00

This is the strangest of all the trips I have taken so far! I am taking a 2-Seater Plane from Chicago to Miami!! I can't wait to have this experience for the first time. I am a bit scared--I am afraid of heights :)... But I am going with a veteran pilot who knows his skies. I will write a detailed expository soon...

xoxo Kate

Chapter 1: Book of Healing

2009-11-09T17:54:00.008-05:00

This is the beginning of the book for my children and all those who know me...

Balancing, or centering, one’s self is the most honoring and loving act one can do for their soul. Understanding the Intimacy we have between ourselves and our Divine nature is where we find true love and joy. It is not a fleeting, temporary “high.” It is not a faucet to turn on and off. It is a continual regeneration process that allows our cells and even our atoms to align the way they were meant to be. We are created as part of this great system called the Universe! And we were given a soul, if you so choose to call it, to be alive.

When my children were born, they were cleaned up and their chords were cut. Each one was born healthy and beautifully whole. The first thing they did was cry out to the world. The second act then was to stop, look around them and smile. All three of my children had the same reaction. They were fully prepared and fully ready to be in the body they were given. There were no judgments, prejudices, fears or emotions. They exhibited raw and open communication. And then the immediate need to be comforted and fed. But in that moment of awakening, they were present in their new bodies.

I want to explore the longing we all have for Balance. The importance of being aware of our nature goes beyond our place in this world. Many believe there are alternate universes. Others too believe there are multiple lifetimes to create these universes. Whatever the case may be, we are all made of an energy that is perfect, created in Love and Light, and even when our bodies expire, it does not ever disappear. That is everlasting life. And it is aligned perfectly within the order in which we were made.

My goal is to share with you my own journey, my visions, and my life lessons that I have been blessed to have along the way. I am now, as an aware person, able to recognize that some of these lessons were “good” and some were “bad” but they all are “perfect”. In order to understand who we are we must be open to why we are here. Therefore we will know that what happens to the lessons we learn along the way will be imprinted, not only on those who come after us, but also as part of the existing Light, or Soul, that is within us. I want to explore what it means to see the world as complete, neither “good” nor “bad”. And how we can shed those illusions that create a barrier between our self-worth and our self-actualization.

The Good, The Bad, and The Loving

I am writing this to all my friends and family and my true loves as I live it. Within the last year, I have had to learn and understand a new way of approaching my life, the Universe and the collective consciousness of all beings together. I am learning to be Balanced within myself, thus why I want to share it with you. It is as if I have been preparing and honing in skills to make Life more detailed, more open, more attractive, more specific. More is not always “good” or “bad”—it can add more stress, more time constraints (if allowed), more uncertainty, more risks and more heartache. Positive and negative must flow together to create light and love. I understand that, but if love is true and light is pure, then why is it often we reach for the darkness? Why do we like the imbalance?

Where does it say that we have to live miserably or uneventful lives or always search for happy ever after? Everywhere we get these impressions and these ultimatums. Do as I say or you won’t get what you need/want/desire. This is what I see in the constructs of marriage, work, religion, and even how we teach our children. Why give our youth this construct and ignore their true education—teaching them that they can construct their own lives? We learn that “because I said so” is a viable option in pop psychology, we are allowed to use it in a controlling way to manipulate others. And in some systems, like religion and corporate business, we are rewarded for those constructs! Promoted and venerated. We live for work in the United States, not work to live as they do in other countries. We spend our time contemplating our existence but find ourselves ruled by “guilt” and “obligation”. And we go on thinking that others control our lives. Or better yet, that we are suppose to let them.

When we don’t match up to the norm of societal imprinting, we self-deprecate or blame others. It’s the fault of my (fill-in-the-blank) that I didn’t get this done. It’s everyone else’s job to fix me. I am not responsible for my actions because I am just a victim/pawn/sheep. Why do we truly allow ourselves to be controlled like that? No seriously. Are we avoiding unpleasantness to stay within our comfort zones? Or do we just truly not want to rock the boat? Is it conscious or not? I believe often it is a choice—and when pushed to change that way of thinking, we retreat into ourselves and “label” the conflict as “bad” or “wrong” or “negative”, and my favorite, “evil.” We don’t see conflicts and challenges as gifts that we are given to learn.

So all “positive” is generally labeled as “godly” and all “negative” is generally labeled “satanic” or “worldly”. The constructs of opposition that were designed to control the masses through religious superiority date back thousands of years even before Judaism, Christianity or Islam. These separations of human traits into deification were long implemented by tribal systems in polytheistic societies. We had gods and goddesses who we asked to grow our food and control our weather. (We still do, by the way—it’s a natural request!) We sacrificed our domesticated animals as offerings in our stead for prosperity and blessing and cleansing and forgiveness. We burned our totems and representations of ourselves to honor the seasons, the harvest and the gift of life. Throughout the history of mankind we have ingested, drank, smoked, painted on ourselves, branded, worn, and blood-let our offerings to our deities. Using our bodies for “sacrifice” in some way is also looked at as “godly” or “holy”. I could write for pages on the specifics of ritual and prayer and our ever evolving human desire to communicate with God and the daily hope and desire to be blessed and loved unconditionally.

The Have-To Mentality – Living in a Black-and-White World

Continuing on the theme of “good” and “bad”, let’s address the why. We need to fit into time, space and have identity. We need to see ourselves as an individual and a part of a greater whole. We have determined that our path is set in the manner in which we have created it, but we don’t take the truth of the daily continuation to “take the wheel” as an option—we’d rather let someone or something else “drive.” The millions who daily succumb to the internal and external allowances that tell us we “have to” thus keep us at a black-and-white thinking mentality. This is the engine that we operate everyday but don’t think we do.

For instance, I know several women who are facing major crises in their lives right now. Two of them have hit the proverbial “brick wall” and don’t know where to go with their lives. They were brought together under dire circumstances. The first woman had to leave a situation that created an abuse cycle. The second woman offered to “rescue” her by opening her home. The first woman responded when her “rope” ran out by lashing out—blaming everyone and everything around her. It was so-and-so’s fault she wasn’t rescued from her situation. It was so-and-so’s fault that he lied to her about his intentions. It was the other woman’s fault because she lied about her position and where she was in life. It is everyone’s fault that she cannot stop drinking to ease the pain. And it’s now the fault of society that she cannot cope or function.

This life path has given her a “comfort zone” where she does not have to take responsibility for her actions or her own affect on those around her. Her drinking, for instance, gives her the “freedom” to tell the truth how she feels—and it allows her also to hurt others with her negative and degrading words. We learn these behaviors, yes, and she has a great teacher with whom she now resides. So thus they must find their own way out of their own blaming or they will never heal from the wounds that were inflicted by themselves or by others. And I am so grateful they have to face their lack of acceptance together—what better way to find out who you are but by going back to the source of first conflict!

The other woman facing a major crisis created her own world too. She hit her “brick wall” and ended up in the hospital. She internalized and blamed herself for every wrong-doing in her life. She took the responsibility for her husband’s abuse and control, her children’s needs while sacrificing her own, and the encounter she had that brought these two women together. She took it all. And it just about killed her. She is so far into blaming herself, that she apologized profusely for even creating the chaos that ensued—taking the blame for so-and-so’s taking advantage of her generosity and taking the blame for the other woman’s drinking! Her partner “blames” her for it all as well, magnifying her own self-hatred, and then he commandeered the credit for trying to rescue the other woman from her plight as if it was all his idea.

A lot of drama and anger and spewing obligatory judgments later, as I watched this unfold, I engaged both women in their interpretation of what happened. I see that the woman who took all the blame will end up being able to re-center. She is out of the situation as well, forcing herself to work through her own lies, faults, avenues of escape, and paths to self-destruction. She is conscious of who she is and where she went “wrong” in her path. But it will take a lot of work if she is not able to find her own self-worth, the side of the coin that gives her purpose and meaning and individuality—she gave those away. In order for her to find the truth, she must stop labeling herself or her actions as “bad” and find the reason and lesson behind them. She must also learn that she is worth the transformation. This may be the greatest hurdle she must face. Then, when her paths are realigned, it is beneficial for her to surround herself with others who see her beauty and compassion as honorable traits.

As for the first woman, I am truly a great fan of her recovery and her coming to center. However, in her fight to blame others, she has lost the one most important component of herself: the truth that she can heal her own wounds and find her own path. She denies her own strength and fights against taking her own individuality. The same self-loathing concepts come from this deviation from center as well, but they are harder to accept. The social constructs that run the experiences she had will too have a lasting impact on her “guilt” and “shame” and “judgment”. If she only basis her balancing on using “psychology”, she may never remove the labels. And the further spiritual construct of her religion will also place labels on her as “forgiven” or “sinner” or “fallen”. The experience itself is thus lost and not examined as the challenge and life lesson it could be, but written off as just the “bad” happenstance it became.

I have not been perfect in my thinking! Not by any means. I have been scorned repeatedly by my society because of my beliefs, my open mind, my compassionate heart, my love of living life to the fullest. So I too have moments where I “blame”—others for their inherent inability to see the truth because of the walls they have built for themselves, and myself for falling prey to a series of “emotional vampires” that want to take my dreams from me and create the construct around me that they are “selfish” or “bad” or “unachievable” (my favorite!).

I daily go over my system of beliefs, my goals and dreams, and reevaluate if they are serving their purpose: to allow me to grow and mature in wisdom and compassion. I too forget to be grateful for my challenges!! I too forget to honor the Universe for giving me the people in my life that have helped my journey by helping and hurting me alike. Knowing what I know now, I can see where there were times those same people, especially those I loved the most and was closest to, taught me so much about myself. I too gave up my power to others because of social constructs: parents, spouses, teachers, bosses, therapists and pastors and priests, doctors, schools, governments, corporations, churches, and those within those systems that wanted to have control over me.

Breaking Outside the Box—I Choose To Create My World

The true freedom of centered thought and living a balanced life is given to us in the form of gratefulness. We find we can be thankful for every part of our life, every part of ourselves, and every moment of space and time we are given, we can be truly free.
This is the key.

My kids play this wonderful game I adore called Kingdom Hearts. Sora (my daughter Jacquelyn’s heartthrob), is a young man who finds a “keyblade” sword that gives him power to fight against the “heartless”—creatures made out of the “darkness” that are soulless and come at him and his companions, Donald and Goofy (yes, the Disney characters), in different scenarios and settings so they can gain points by destroying the lifeless creatures. Of course, being a fan of the fantasy of Disney, I enjoy the combination of Disney’s magical and cartoon-created worlds as the backdrop of such a simple yet tedious game. Knowing that Sora must rescue his true love Kairi and save King Mickey, he must journey through different adventures and fight these heartless (“energy vampire”) creatures, collect treasures (“wisdom”) along the way, and then face each world’s arch-nemesis and fight to destroy the Darkness taking over the Universe.

Now, as an anthropologist, actor and storyteller, I have worn all the hats that have given me the appreciation for the myth and the archetype. I dive into stories that capture the essence of humanity and its arena as played out by the gods. I too have a fascination for the game! (Though I am not good at it). We have our protagonist, young and handsome, his Rosencrantz and Guildenstern sidekicks, a royal quest, a beautiful soulmate, a fairy godparent-style helpmate in each Kingdom quest (from Ariel to Tarzan to Simba to Tron), a myriad of paths to explore in each world, weapons and magic to collect (objects for reaching enlightenment), and doors to open.

The pantheistic approach to the story (The Seven Princesses are of pure heart light and the Seven Villains trying to join forces to take over the Universe) gives us a fantastic template for adventure!! Okay, so why do we not have the ability to wield our own “keyblade” (gratefulness), fight our own Heartless (constructs), find our own treasures and weapons (wisdom, beliefs), create our own magic (centeredness), fill our days with the restless slumber of the Dreamworld created by the mind of a boy and his Universe? Many of my friends say that’s because we need to learn to write code and work for a Japanese production company. NO! That’s not what I meant. Living the fantasy is not really a fantasy. Okay, I would prefer sometimes to sit and play the video game rather than face the world around me we live in. I love adventure and role-playing as much as the next Trekkie or Browncoat (If you don’t have any cultural reference, feel free to use the construct known as the Internet to inform yourself on these concepts )

Back to Reality – I Desire and I Choose My Life

So how do we choose our own lives? Say, for argument sake, I am right. Or at least right for me. Say we can see our lives in the way we would watch a movie. Well, we are born into a scientifically measurable construct: birth, life, death. We come into a body that is made of millions of cells that all have a specific function (our own little world, so to speak). We grow exponentially and use this object on top of our heads, called a brain, to control the functions of our body and process the three-dimensional environment in which we are living (not much different than from the fantasy world created and lived through by Sora in the story). We have our own constructs of ourselves to learn and grow within: Parents to care for our infant selves that teach us everything we must know about our immediate world around us—we learn love and fear from them, reality and fantasy, safety and danger, praise and criticism. We find competition (siblings) and survival (food, water, shelter) to be our life goals. And we have our first memories and adventures.

Think of what your memory would be if you were born into the body of a woman addicted to crack-cocaine and your first memories of the outside world involved drive-by shootings and hunger pains. Think of what your challenges may be and how they must appear in these early years as insurmountable constructs. What do you think you could do to create your world into something that could evolve out of violence and self-hate? What if you were surrounded everyday by those who would represent the “heartless”—drug dealers, abusive elders, life-takers, self-loathing, and fear-based teachers? What have we collected in our arsenal then? We are born with our ability to survive, our instinct allows us to hide and to fight against the competition and constructs around us.

We find our first steps out of the nest into a world called Education. Now, we can build our adventure beyond our immediate social system. We teach about other heroes in school—our teachers, our historical figures, our mentors—and we collect treasures (knowledge, language, creative expression) while we look for weaponry and magic (competition, grades, achievements, self-esteem, social constructs). We can choose whether these elements are used for “good” or “bad” in our system. We are taught they are one or the other most often. Throwing sand at another student in recess gives us a punishment; whereas learning to spell and becoming the spelling bee champion gives us a reward. We are taught that coloring outside the lines is not healthy, and that coming to a wrong conclusion mathematically gives us points off our grades. That student who grew up in the hostile environment of violence, gangs and drugs, now has the opportunity to see beyond their own belief system. What they do with this knowledge is up to them.

The further along our body travels in time and space, within the construct of our life’s reality; we learn new and sometimes contradictory lessons. Some of our religious constructs teach us that taking a life of another is a sin or “bad”. But then we find out that taking a life of another in a time of war is an honorable and rewarded act that is labeled “good”. Having an abortion—I know, I’m going there—is labeled “bad” by some but practiced as “good” by others. It can leave some emotionally scarred, which makes the memory and experience a “bad” one, but it can also save the life of another who would ultimately be kept in a situation of fear, bondage or control, which is then labeled “good” by those who see it as a means to escape those constructs.

Living La Vida Social: Creating our Wants and Needs

We learn through childhood how our world system views our “wants” and “needs” and we are told that they are “good” and “bad” thus by our social network. In my youth, for instance, I grew up in a middle-upper class suburb of Chicago. Most of my classmates were Caucasian and Christian. Most of my playmates were from educated families. And most of my experiences were within the “norm” of my environment. I was somewhat rebellious in my mind and with my beliefs, but never beyond the construct of the environment. I then went to college and married within my construct as well. Remember, I am also bound, as are you, by a quantifiable space and time—my decade was defined as of Reaganomics, material wealth building, the falling of the Berlin Wall (representing the end of a perceived Cold War), Hippies as parents (not mine), and the invention of the buzzword DINK (Double-Income No Kids) as an acceptable societal construct. So my “wants” and “needs” were too defined by my society—what I should wear, how I should behave, and what I ought to believe.

I did not pursue my dreams because they were “not achievable” and “not normal” and outside the realm of experience for a Midwestern girl to have. At that time, I would have had to move outside my social circle to New York or Los Angeles to become a professional actor. Even acting in Chicago at the time was very experimental and I did not inform myself of the benefits of continuing my acting even at that level. And as far as my educational pursuits were concerned, I was challenged with not being able to return to college because of a change in governmental funding (i.e. Bush Sr. was elected). So I had to find another route for education. My self-righteousness as an intellectual superior was counterbalanced with financial restraints. I was “told” I could not afford to go back to school and I tried to live once again within the balance of perceived allowance.

Now, as an adult, I see where I missed some opportunities of success and a possible future as a professional actor because I put off my dreams to appease and succumb to the dreams and realities of others. I have no regrets. I experienced a life that I can now use in my acting and have a plethora of stories, archetypes, constructs and beliefs to draw upon for my acting, writing and vision for my own life. I have been given the gifts of three beautiful children, the freedom from my original social constructs in which to live a complete and fully realized life. And now I see my path is exactly as I desire it to be. I am learning how to jump from the three-dimensional body I was given (development of the natural self) into the multi-dimensional self who is connected with the Universe and given the blessings of using the collective wisdom, knowledge and understanding to bless and heal others.

I also know that my wants and needs and thus my visions have matured and been given proper care. The large-scale pruning I had to undergo was the next step to my journey and a way for me to accomplish my original goals. I did not know, however, I would have to do most of the work in myself alone. Being a single mother is not the “ideal” construct I desired. I truly wanted the happy ever after marriage. But that would have meant that my partner would also have been blessed with the same gifts of long-term understanding to be able to see a clearer outcome to create together. I was not given that gift of partnership in the traditional sense, but another that would lead me to my dreams and goals.

I do not need to be in any other relationship to be happy!! But I choose those relationships wisely so that I surround myself with people that I can learn from, teach, and we work in the same direction toward centeredness. I have amazing relationships with my Creator, my Mentors, my Teachers, my Students, my Siblings (all I call brothers and sisters) and my children (the three I was blessed to birth and those who I also call my children). And along the way I have met those I have fallen in love with and let go.

I have been blessed by the abilities of Reason and Vision. I was not born from a mother addicted to crack-cocaine. Nor was I born within a family of privilege, though we had material comforts. I cannot imagine waking up to gunshots outside my nursery. Nor can I understand going to summer camps with other over-privileged children. I know others who have experienced these childhoods, however, and they are blessed with their own challenges and constructs. I was, however, born to create a life of intellectual pursuit, which in and of itself has its own “good” and “bad” sides. Having a life-long desire to be an educated genius is tempered and monitored by the path of being surrounded by other intellectuals who do and do not have vision. Some of the paths I have taken have given me a greater understanding of false realities. Some have given me a deep appreciation of my faculties and the way I see myself as a gift and as centered. Let’s put it this way—there have been enough nay-sayers in my life to keep me from becoming arrogant, self-important, or “successful” in any of my original life pursuits. And I am so grateful!

Going into a field, such as Medicine or Religion or even my chosen field of Anthropology and the Social Sciences, is like putting on a set of clothing that is limited by color, shape and size. I chose the path of the Scholar instead of the Actor because it had more, well, “prestige”. In the 1980’s and 1990’s, the acting community at large (film, commercial, Hollywood) was defined by its roles in material ways and most of the actors I followed were and are iconic representations of that time. The ones I most admired are the ones that are still around today and I will meet them all someday and tell them how grateful I can follow in their footsteps. But back during those times, I chose what I loved: ministry, parenthood, writing and leadership roles that I was allowed to construct within the definitions of my family, my marriage, my social system and my belief system. I limited myself. I never swayed outside those constructs. And though I was continually told what I “could” and “could not” do by the very closest of my social environment, I chose to express my creativity within those realms—I threw myself into education and educating my children.

Follow the Yellow Brick Road—Creating Desires Outside the Box

In additional writings (chapters), I will go into more detail on the impact of those years on my adult understanding and development. However many times I was told I wasn’t “allowed” to do something I wanted to pursue, no matter how many dreams I put on hold to educate and raise children, I never gave up the ability to Reason or Learn. I spent every day, doing something to find meaning within my existence. I was given great books of understanding, including but not limited to those within my religious system. And I found joy in writing out my emotions, which at the time were limited because I did not understand that they too were illusions. But I did what I loved and I loved what I did: I am the mother of three brilliant and incredible children!! That was my life’s work.

However, as paths and doors turn and unfold, my “keyblade” and self-righteousness were challenged by the “heartless”—systems and constructs based on Fear and Judgment—and they removed my children from me for a short time. They still to this day believe what they did was “just” and “right—I became the object of their “bad” as they maintain their system of “good”. I am not purporting that the individuals in the system are to be labeled “good” or “bad”—they have had their paths like the rest of us. In fact, I struggle daily feeling “sorry” for their ignorance. But the system as a whole created an image through the eyes of human-run and controlling social filters (those I had followed and obeyed!—Religion, Law and Social Status) that gave my perceived Life of self-denial, survival, security and social significance a mighty shake and the rug was pulled out from underneath me—the corruption of such systems that favors some then must take away from others.

Think about this: Now I had no direct connection to the Divine because I was all of the sudden labeled unworthy of that Divinity!! Amazing. I colored outside the lines, yes, but it did not warrant a 10 year reaction from those who said they loved me to go all-out in warfare against me and thus damaging my children’s paths by not giving them what they too needed, their mother. And the strangest outcome of this: I believed them. At the time.

With this psychic and social break, however, I was able to realize some of my own dreams: I finished my own schooling, I traveled to learn another language, I read what I want to read, learn what I want to learn, and I have decided to pursue what I have most desired for my entire life: a career in Acting. I have learned to love a mate and partner more than I ever thought I was capable of loving. I have traveled to places I wanted to go, and I plan trips for future adventures now, expanding my Universe beyond the borders of my original imagination. I have met some of the greatest minds of this world—in person, in books, in spirit—and I have been allowed to find the Balance I sought for so many years.

My oldest daughter, the one resembling in personality the infamous now-acclaimed Sora, has sought to fight her own battles and create her own worlds. She has lived with me and under my guidance for 4 years now. And she is brilliant, creative, talented as a singer and blessed with a superior intelligence as well. This is the great start of her adventures from within her own reality into the worlds of danger and intrigue and mystery to come. She too, like her mother, has been able to see a bigger picture. She has a vision that is only limited by her fledgling ideologies and it will serve her well. She has a large social system, amazing friends, and she’s tall and beautiful. What every mother would want for her child—that, and a shotgun to ward off life’s intruders . Oh, well, we can’t have everything, can we? (That is a joke, for any of you who are offended by the paradigm).

My youngest has returned to live within the construct of that family and religious system in order to receive further guidance and be in her own “safety net”—she is not quite ready to adventure beyond the constructs she has been taught. Living with me for 1 1/2 years, she had the gift and challenge of being graced with a more independent lifestyle, more open thought, and she fought against it daily while processing her own self worth in my home. In a predictable turn of events, her inability to understand her environment with me, the other social constructs in her life refused to support her choice and I was forced to allow her return. She is where she needs to be for now. She too is beautiful, intelligent, charming and gregarious. She has her mother’s gift of storytelling and will be blessed as a role model in whatever she pursues.

My son is a beautiful example of a brilliant mind at work, slowly taking in his environment, shyly understanding the world around him. He is finding his own path while making his own assessments. His amazing intelligence, coupled with his superior athletic ability, makes him a target for a lot of lower-minded jealousy but also will give him the gift as I have had of being looked upon as a prodigy and possibly at times idolized for his ability, his mind and his beauty (inside and out). I have not been allowed to communicate with him for a period of time, so I am sure when we reconnect, his eyes will see what I have seen and I can give him these gifts of seeing outside himself and fully understanding his blessings.

What it boils down to is this: My initial dream to educate my children gave them initial footholds into their beings. They are individuals, talented and intelligent and beautiful, who all will be given the right guidance and will find their own paths. They will always have something that will be like Vasalisa’s doll and Cinderella’s godmother—they will have me.

Introduction to Rest of the Story

Now that you know a little about me, let’s examine how many “buttons” I may have pushed within this story of self-revelation. I don’t necessarily mean specific details, though many can relate to finding difficulty living as a swan among ducks at times in their lives. And others can empathize with the wounded persona of self that puts her hand into the cookie jar only to find it trapped and unable to come out. I have been likened to Alice and Cinderella and other such fairy tale archetypes within my journey of enlightenment. The diamond in the rough like in Aladdin. The innocent Vasalisa who encounters Baba Yaga in the thick of the forest (from a Russian fairy tale I will discuss further).

But I don’t see myself that way. I have been described recently more akin to Pandora. THAT, my friends, is probably closer to my life’s work and journey! I find it an enjoyable and creative archetypal reckoning. I am the renegade more than the saint. But I have had both roles. I stick my hand into traps that challenge me to find my way out. I Love who I am and I Love what I do! Now the question, my young and dear friends, is do you find that acceptable? Have you been told your whole life that you are too bold or too mouthy or too selfish or too-whatever? Do you feel that deconstructing the balance makes you uncomfortable? Do you find that if you were tempted to dive down the rabbit hole you would be forever disillusioned and your faith ruined?

It could happen. I am not denying that. Emotions are illusions given to us to reconcile our experiences. There is nothing wrong with grieving over death, change and decisions that created a wrinkle or detour in your path. However, in the course of this book, I hope to show you how you can take back your control. I can show you how to do what others have done for me. I can give you the gifts of Vision and Reason, and with them you can create your own path and destiny. This is NOT NEW nor is it my work alone. I just find that in relating my experiences and those around me, I can give you a basis of thought that may provoke the thoughts in your mind and you can start to listen to the consciousness within you that will guide you in a greater and more balanced approach to living.

I may be a catalyst, but I am one of Many. I may be able to encourage and help you in some way, but it is whatever is within your inner being that will give you the strength to deconstruct your own beliefs, constructs, illusions. I may give you a doorway that allows you to bridge reality and fantasy in a way you would never have thought about before. I want us to see our connection between our current Spiritual self and our Physical body in which we are experiencing this story called life. And I don’t have to put it in a novel about a teenage vampire to make it pleasurable, but I might consider that one day!

I love to create pathways in the chaos. And most of all, I am a student just like you and everyone around you. My life is still going, so therefore I am still learning. Can we say we are teachable? If you see those around you as given up on their dreams, if you want to shake them and wake them up, if you want to shout it out that there is more to life than this, if you find yourself swimming upstream, then these lessons will be for you. Trust me, only our therapists tell us we can’t put a square peg in a round hole. Watch as we go behind the curtain and find the Great and Wonderful Oz.

Now we will begin to see why “bad” is “good” and “godly” is “earthly”. And we will find out what it means to be whole.